Korzant's Journey

[Hound]

I'm seeing her as a mature person therefore she becomes more mature?

 

I know Claire had a week long period where she acted like there were teenage hormones in her system. After that she calmed down considerably, she's still got her mischievous streak that developed then, but she either hides it well or it's more subdued. Whatever the cause of that episode, tulpas do seem to "age" personality wise.

 

She still speaks with a very melodic voice though that I don't think I could ever get tired of listening to!

 

I'm still really interested in finding something or someone that sounds like Mira. Don't suppose you'd do more searching around for something similar?

[Korzant]

Day 24

 

I haven't been able to update as frequently because of a very high workload as well as a lot of life stressors. My apologies to anyone that was following.

 

Mira is currently in the form of a teenage girl. She is somewhat quiet though I do not think this is from her being shy since she is always very eager to ask or answer questions when they occur.

As she has developed she has become somewhat of a helpful person, she enjoys going over my days and likes to remind me of things that I often overlook. Just today she tapped a computer printout on my desk that I had set aside and told me not to forget to reply to it, something I would have forgotten had she not said something.

 

I feel comfortable enough with her voice to say that she is about as vocal as she can get unless deviation occurs or something changes. Her form is still fuzzy, although I can sharpen my mind's view of her if I concentrate on her very intensely. she has short dark auburn hair and her eyes are the same greenish blue that matches the color she was when she was in an orb form.

 

I'm still really interested in finding something or someone that sounds like Mira. Don't suppose you'd do more searching around for something similar?

When I can find time I will try to get a recording or splice some music to sound like what her voice was like / is.

 

-

 

So far we have been getting along very well. I feel a bit like a father when it comes to forcing with her. She tends to stay close to me and usually asks me for guidance when it comes to dealing with things in the real world. She has also been asking me for permission to leave my side, to which I always tell her that she may do as she pleases and to not wander too far away.

She gets excited somewhat easily and I have noticed that she is able to pick up on some of my deeper emotions that go through my head. If I'm talking to a co-worker about a project and I don't like what I'm hearing I will notice Mira wrinkle her nose or frown slightly. Likewise if I'm in a good mood she may hum or twirl around me with her arms out slightly.

 

For now I'm focusing on trying to get her more vocal and to solidify her shape a bit more. I don't think she feels comfortable speaking on her own yet without outside influence and I think if I can see her a bit more clearly it will help me see her as a person present with me instead of a kind of ghost.

[Hound]

Good to hear from you after a time.

 

I know just what you're saying with feeling like a father at times, that lovely time when they're starting ask for explanations. That said I abruptly stopped thinking of myself as Claire's dad when she made a few suggestive remarks, it felt too creepy. Sounds like Mira won't turn out like that though.

 

If you find any tricks for imposition be sure to mention them, I could use any tips you got.

 

But it's exciting to hear to that Mira is speaking now. Maybe Claire and I will see you both on IRC some time?

[Korzant]

Day 25

 

Today was the first slow day I've had in a long time. I had a few work appointments to be at early in the day but I finished out most of my workload so I was able to enjoy all of today and most of tomorrow off. Basically an extended weekend which is much needed for my sanity. Today was also the first day that I was able to hold a real, sustained, and clear conversation with her. Something I haven't been able to do until now without a ton of distractions and breaks.

 

My workplace had a secret Santa event and I received a model airplane of a Messerschmitt 262.

I've never built a model airplane before but I guess word gets around that I'm a bit of a history buff and that I tend to spend a lot of time alone so they figured it would be something I can work on and paint.

 

As I returned home today and looked at the box Mira became very interested in it, she wondered if it was a toy or something to play with. I told her that it was something you build and can hang from your ceiling or put on your desk.

I should mention again that I still have an image of Mira being a young girl, so she has to stand on her tip-toes in order to look over the counter at what I'm doing.

I pulled the pieces out and she was interested in the little pilot mannequins that came with it. She said the helmets looked funny as she peered at them. That made me laugh a bit and I pulled out the rest of the pieces.

 

As I sorted the like parts together she looked at the cover of the box again. It showed the airframe in a dogfight with a bomber spiraling out of the sky in the background, obviously shot down by one of the jets.

"That one's hurt!" is what she said pointing at the bomber that was breaking into pieces.

"Well, yes Mira. It was attacking a German target and this jet shot it down." I picked the box up to point at the center jet.

She stared at the picture for a long while, I kept the box slanted up so she could look at it.

"But there's people in there! Won't they be hurt? Will the machine protect them?"

"This is just a picture, Mira. But no, if this was real they would probably die."

"Oh..." Was all she said to that. I could tell she didn't like that idea. To be honest I didn't really like it either. I could tell she was sad about being told that.

 

I tried to keep it a bit more upbeat after that. Me asking her to recite her traits again is becoming a bit of an inside joke between us. She will usually change her tone of voice to match the trait she's saying and likes to laugh when she says them. She also enjoys twirling around when she's trying to remember them all and watching her move usually puts me in a better mood.

 

If you find any tricks for imposition be sure to mention them, I could use any tips you got.

 

Imposition can be pretty tough as we both know. It's like trying to think of the face of your mother or father, or the face of your 4th grade teacher. You have a general idea but when you try to get it into focus it's just kind of a blur. That is a bit like how I see Mira right now. A body with a somewhat blurred face that I can only see clearly when I focus intensely on it.

My advice, don't worry too much about it and do not try to rush it. You've got your whole life to work and develop with your tulpa and even seasoned people have said on the forums that they still have difficulty getting imposition down in an exact manner.

Focus on the emotions you feel when you talk to them, the nuances in your expressions as they talk, this will help you flush out details and make it a bit easier to visualize or impose the more you do it, I think.

[Korzant]

Day 26

 

Today was a very relaxing and slow day for me. I got to sleep in quite a bit and take my time with waking up. Mira enjoys helping me with my morning routine and will patter behind me as I go about my tasks.

 

Because I live alone I can monologue to her very easily. I've found talking out loud to be very calming and somewhat zen-like. It's nice to just be able to talk to her and have her listen or comment and not feel like I have to impress her or make her like me. It is quite nice.

 

We watched "It's a Wonderful Life" this evening and she thoroughly enjoyed it. Afterwards I read to her again and then prepared dinner.

 

Because of the holidays coming up my updates may be infrequent but I assure you I'm having a great time with Mira and I will continue to report when I can!

[Hound]

I absolutely love It's a Wonderful Life! I've actually never seen the movie though, but I've got a cassette tape that has a radio adaptation with the original cast. Claire and I listened to it the other day, she enjoyed it a lot.

[Korzant]

Day 28

 

I usually get pretty depressed around the holidays. I'm trying to not let it seep in to Mira though. I try to do things I enjoy and to keep my mind of the circumstances which I live in at the moment.

 

Today I only had to work a half shift so I got home early. I put on some of my favorite piano music and cooked a small dinner for myself. As I sat down on the couch to eat I saw Mira come around to curl up under a blanket next to me. I had Miracle on 34th street playing on the television after I did the dishes and she scooted closer to me while I half dozed.

 

She really has been fantastic to me. Despite me feeling like I have an obligation to her she has still been a great addition to my life. She is becoming far smarter than I thought possible and she remembers nearly everything I tell her. She enjoys asking questions and I feel far more comfortable with her than anyone else I've ever known.

 

Her form is becoming more clear. I am able to impose her far easier than I could before, though this gets more difficult if there are other distractions around. I do not really mind that I see her as a younger person as I am sure she will grow older, in time.

[Korzant]

Day 34

 

I have been trying to not let my mental issues get in the way of Mira's development. My own inadequacies should have no ill effect on Mira and for the most part they have not.

She seems to have grown a bit and to me she seems more mature. It's so very hard to keep her in my mind at all times while I'm at work and even my past reminders aren't being as helpful. Maybe it's stress related?

 

She keeps me company when I'm at home and that makes me feel a lot better. I don't own any pets and I lost my only friend to medical reasons a year before so Mira is the only person I really talk to outside of work. My reading to her has certainly got her more worldly and with a wider vocabulary. I am not having to stop every few sentences to explain what a word means or phrase means.

I think she still sees me as a father figure though. When she walks next to me she will reach for my hand and she is not so great around strangers. Sitting on the bus makes her anxious and I have to mentally sooth her sometimes. These instances are becoming less common though and so I know I'm making progress.

 

We wish everyone the best over the holidays. Please be safe.

[Korzant]

Day 50

 

We're back from the holiday vacations and smashing our noses against the grindstone once more.

Mira and I have read through most of my personal library and so I have begun reading to her Machiavelli and Aristotle. In the past few weeks Mira has mentally developed to be a very clear and slow thinker. Our discussions about how we spend our time together are usually very long though I do not see this as a bad thing as I have nothing but time on my hands and her to spend it with.

 

My image of her is still that of a younger girl. I know inside her own mind she has the maturity of a 20 year old perhaps but physically she has been content enough to stay in a younger body. I do not see anything wrong with this though I have hinted to her that she does not have to stay like that if she does not want to.

 

At work I prefer to keep her alongside me, she also likes to be close still so this works out well. Her company makes it easier for me to think about my work and if I need to talk to someone I like having her there as a sort of support. She will stay by my side most of the time but if we are alone she may wander off. I never really expected her to be shy, but I don't complain.

[Korzant]

Day 58

 

Mira and I have spoken to each other a lot about a bunch of different subjects. I'm an avid reader and have a lot if free quiet time to myself when I am not working. It gives me a lot of time to be close to her and to help her grow not only as a person but as my friend.

 

When I first researched tulpas I saw them as being a big commitment. I didn't really see it as something that is entered into lightly, but also not as something that is incredibly difficult. Mira has been an incredibly positive influence in my life so far and she has helped me through a lot of issues in my life that would have kept me down or otherwise depressed me.

 

Lately we have been reading a lot in to ethics and morales. I have been trying to work with Mira and to have her form her own opinions on how things are, how people act, and for her to decide the differences between right and wrong without relying on me.

I would like for her to be independent. I see myself almost as a mentor or advisor to her.

 

She's been great. That is all I can really say at this time!