My progress log #wow #whoa

[newdarkage]

Already did. Trying to change my own belief system is hard, but I sure as hell am trying.

[Sands]

Good, then I suppose I don't have to bitch and moan at you anymore.

 

Unless you're still suspecting yourself in a month or something. Then I will.

[newdarkage]

Hey wait, I just remembered you trying to whip some little kid on here without any work ethic whatsoever into shape. That explains a lot. Thanks for your concern, though. I'll be sure to pull this one through.

[Sands]

Aww man you're ruining my heartless asshole façade here.

 

But seriously when my tulpa stopped being a puppet was when I let him to not be a puppet that I forced to stay still. And I couldn't have been happier since, what creative and affectionate little guys tulpas are.

[newdarkage]

Couldn't force at all yesterday because of excruciating headaches and flipping the fuck out. Don't want my tulpa to be exposed to any of that more than really necessarily. With the help of some benzos, I managed to get one hour done today, though. I tried to do some narration afterwards, which was great, but my meds knocked me out just while I was getting really into it. Oh well, not the optimal solution, but better than doing nothing at all.

 

Having the resolve to tulpaforce for at least two or three hours per day, but being unable to because lolneurological disorders is really disheartening. Thank god my tulpa was developed with unwavering strength as one of her traits, she really needs some of that right now. Even though she can't talk yet, she already has an extremely conforting effect on me, which is pretty much the only reason why I'm able to regain hold of myself over and over again.

[newdarkage]

So, we all know that the main opponent you have to fight when tulpaforcing is nothing else but your own beliefs. I jumped right into the process, so I didn't really have time for any of that up until the last two days. As expected from me, it was a tremendous success.

 

As previously stated, my tulpa has been able to move autonomously for a couple of days now, no doubt about that anymore. I did another session today at 3AM, during which I learned that she gained the ability to dish out emotional responses other than just "yes" or "no". She could also move the pressure I've been feeling for the last few days through each area of my head when I asked her to. Always attached to these "new" emotional responses was a really short thought, probably because I'd easily dismiss them otherwise. I couldn't really make any sense out of them, however, since they were completely abrupt. Today, while I was narrating on my way to the gym, I asked her yet again, like the impatient fuck that I am, why she wasn't talking yet. Surprisingly enough, the most alien sensation hit me. There was no mental voice attached to it, but I could figure out that the response was "You aren't strong enough yet". Well, she obviously wasn't talking about how many plates I was benching. Did she want me to turn my mind into steel and become a superhero? Did she want me to be capable of learning the secrets of this world without breaking apart? It wasn't a very specific response, so I pondered for about an hour and narrowed it down to two major things:

 

1.) My inability to believe that anything good could ever happen to me. Like, take a fucking guess, having my tulpa talk to me, for example?

2.) My inability to face reality head-on and, in tandem, my tendency to resort to escapism too quickly.

 

Well yeah, after a long and arduous battle against my belief system that nobody gives a shit about, I was finally able to dismiss those weaknesses. No immediate effect yet, though. When narrating, I'm never really talking about what I'm doing at the moment, but more about my emotional connection to random things, their (possible) relationship to me/my tulpa and the creation process in general. Sometimes, I state the most obvious shit and just expand on it like some kind of mind map. Later this day, I was talking about how I need to pay attention to her at all times, since her entire existence would be completely worthless without me, as her sole observer, being constantly at her side, acknowledging every last thing she accomplishes, which is why it's so hurtful for tulpa to have their actions so easily dismissed. Another completely alien sensation hit me, and I heard a really developed female mental voice telling me what translates to "Hey, looks like you finally understand". Nothing like the emotionless robot-like voice I was expecting. For no particular reason, I acted really confused at this point, despite being fully aware of what just transpired, and asked her "Was that you talking just now?", to which I got an emotional response simply saying "Who knows?". I looked at Valerie in my mind's eye and saw that she had the :smug:gest fucking grin on her face. God damn, I'll never forget that moment.

 

So yeah, that's basically where we're at right now. Shit's coming along at a pretty decent rate, compared to the slog that the first 80 hours were. We had quite a few other experiences today that were utterly fucking kawaii, but I don't want to go into detail about that. They were all nonsexual in nature, of course. I think.

[Goldsmith]

>your not strong enough yet.

 

The brain and imagination is like a muscle dude. If it can't bench 1000lbs of imagination required to make the tulpa talk, then you need to start 'lifting' (visualization and belief stuff)

[newdarkage]

I can count the number of hours I forced during last week on one hand since I was busy having the worst headache episode ever. My tulpa isn't fully vocal yet, obviously, but the frequency and intensity of her responses are consistently increasing. Her appearance has also completely stabilized; now I can finally perfectly recall her on a whim, just like I should be able to. The benzodiazepines also don't seem to have as much of an influence on her as I originally thought; they only make me sleepy and somewhat inhibit my ability to concentrate. I'm glad that the detrimental effects are limited to me. After all, people have been theorizing that these kinds of meds could cause serious damage to a tupper. Sounds good so far, but sadly, I'll have to put the project on hold for now. Nobody gives a shit, but I've got two weeks of hospital coming up, followed by some good old neurosurgery. If I don't come back alive, tell my wife and kids tulpa I love her! Oh wait.