Asking for some guidance

[Eudora]

Let it be said that we know everyone here is perfectly well here, and that is exactly why we're coming to you for advice. We are not tulpae, but, because you all know what it's like to compromise and coexist within one mindspace we would like to ask for help. We cannot find mediators who are impartial, someone is always blaming whoever is not the host, this includes therapists, doctors, and all friends, and we just need help. We shouldn't have to kill each other to be happy, and you folks know how to do this. We need people to talk to about this, and people here seemed good because they are healthy but they also know how it is to share, and how to figure things out in here. All we're asking for is help to do that.

[Vos]

Okay, but you'll have to be clear on what you actually need help with.

[Guest Anonymous]

It might help if we knew more bout you and more details about what exactly the problem is. Right now this is very vague.

 

EDIT: Ninja'd by Vosaiu by mere seconds. Not fair.

[Eudora]

We get into fights a lot. About, mostly, who's stepping on who's toes, mostly because we can't switch so some of us are just, stuck like this, in the head. So sometimes even the fronter's thoughts can be abrasive and tortuous, and cause fights. Today's fight was about genders, and the fronter was insensitive. That didn't stop it from getting seriously out of hand. Other things, we have different coping methods, the fronter thinks she should be allowed to indulge in the emotions she has, others don't want to feel anything; how can we possibly compromise on emotions? Everyone ends up feeling what the body's going through, the anxiety and such. Not to mention, things such as medicine and sexuality are sort of difficult to touch and get everyone to agree on. Not to mention, someone's pulling switches to turn emotions off so we CAN'T comfort each other, which is, not helpful (something that might not be able to be helped). We need help compromising, but all we get on the outside is people catering to the fronter, which is not absolutely helpful. Hopefully this was more comprehensive, sorry.

[Guest Anonymous]

Okay, bickering and fighting due to selfish, immature behavior by some of your headmates and inability to deal with varied emotional responses.

 

How many of you are there? What types of headmates? Are some older than others, as in existing longer? Is there someone who is considered the original? Is there one who could be a mediator?

 

What I have seen other systems due is create some agreed upon ground rules, like rules of internal etiquette to keep the peace.

[Temar]

I'm part of a big system so, yeah, I get what you mean about stepping on one another's toes.

 

One thing that helps with us is to have designated mediators. Is there anyone in your system who is naturally calm or neutral? True objectivity is pretty much impossible, but if you have someone not involved in the fight who is capable of stepping in (and as long as everyone in the system agrees to trust them to mediate), it can help diffuse sticky situations.

 

For example, whoever is pulling emotional switches? They need to be sat down and talked to. For things like that, if someone's causing problems within our system, the host, a mediator, and anyone else who is affected by the trouble tend to metaphorically sit down and have a nice long talk with the person causing difficulties about what they're doing and why. The first step for us is always to attempt inter-system communication. Figure out what that person is trying to do, and if it's a worthy cause, see if there's a way they can do it without causing problems for other systemmates. Maybe come up with a compromise, or conditions when they are allowed to pull the switch (e.g., anxiety attacks). Usually, once we've collectively figured out what that person is doing and why, we're able to collectively figure out a way to either stop the behavior or make it constructive instead of harmful.

 

And yeah, this can and should be done with the host if they're causing problems as well. In my system, the host's wants do tend to take precedence when it comes to issues of the body and the outside world... because she's the one who has to live there. But she also realizes and recognizes that we are along for the ride here, and so she needs to work with us to keep the system happy and healthy. She tends to think of us as her advisors. TBH, we're more like her babysitters, but ssh, we'll let her keep thinking that. ;)

 

As to being "stuck like this"... switching is not the end-all-and-be-all of existence as a headperson, so it helps if you don't think of yourself as "stuck" in the head. In the head is your natural state as a headperson, and that's all right! When you're a mental construction, your existence is given a certain fluidity that physical folks don't have. Things like being able to chose and change your form, internal world, or even identity. I can't speak for your experience, as it's likely different from mine (everyone's experience is different, yeah?), but there is a certain peace in accepting what you are. My system can switch, and I still don't really identify myself with the body... I don't own it, it's just a friend's place that I visit and help tidy up every once in a while. ;)

 

Emotional interaction seems to differ system to system. Members of my system all have a fairly strong empathic bond with our host... we can feel her emotions, but there's also a dissociation there, where we regard them as her emotions, not ours. This allows us to stay relatively objective about what she's thinking and feeling. (Though, yeah, even the rougher members of the system buckle to her wants when she's feeling particularly upset).

 

Our host has issues with anxiety and depression, and that emotional dissociation is really important to how we help her manage it. However, it sounds like you guys don't have that? Is there any way you guys might be able to step back from her emotions to be able to look at them from an outsider's perspective? You are not (necessarily) your host, so compartmentalizing your sense of self can help you stay objective... which is good when your host is experiencing anxiety and an objective perspective might help them manage it. When my host experiences anxiety or depression, I'm able to monitor her state, identify stressors, distract her from spiraling around one issue too much, put things into perspective, and provide general comfort and affection... things I doubt I'd be able to do if I was caught up in the same emotions she was.

 

One thing I do know is that turning "off" emotions is dangerous. I was with my host through some pretty serious bouts of depression about a decade ago, and "no emotion" was the point when the host started getting self-destructive. The worst thing someone in a depressive state can do is stop caring about the friends and family who would miss them. So yeah, no emotions is bad, even when the alternative emotions (anxiety, depression, etc.) suck too.

 

That said, always indulging isn't the way, either. In our experience, it can be cathartic to indulge in the darker stuff every once in a while, but there needs to be a level-headed headmate with the host when they do. That headmate needs to be able to monitor the host and, more importantly, needs to be able to somehow step in and stop them if they do anything dangerous, whether by switching (which you said you don't do) or being capable of convincing the host. And give it maybe an hour or two, then you need to distract the host from indulging. We usually go to art or video games. ;)

 

The key is moderation. Find the emotional middle road. Yeah, I know... easier said than done, right? But that's why dissociating your emotions from your host's can help, if you are capable of it. The host's anxiety is not yours. You don't need to feel it.

 

(Or maybe you do. Every system works differently, in which case most of my advice does bupkis to help. :p )

 

The bottom line is to keep communication open. You guys are living in the same head, so you need to work as a team to keep that headspace healthy and happy, in whatever way that means. You need to figure out a system that works for your system as a whole, and the first step is to communicate with one another.

[Eudora]

For mistgod: right now there only seem to be three of us, though we've had more. The sad part is, the one who pulls switches is often one to also create "decoys" for it/himself or the fronter and most often, those mates die (there was John(?) and a child who specifically come to mind, but they're both gone now. Maybe one day they'll come back). As for the oldest, Eudora is the oldest, and it's hard to gauge how long the other has been around but it's/he's younger than the fronter (how much younger though, we don't know. Those memories aren't available). Eudora, if anyone, would be the original. We're struggling for some sort of counter balance right now, the fronter wants desperately to become the mediator but she is not good at it.

For Temar: Eudora seems to want to be the level one and to be honest she is much better at it. The biggest question is, how do we dissociate successfully (and if that is not an appropriate question, then we do apologize)?

The one who's pulling switches is sometimes strange to speak to. Eudora was attacked(?) by him/it Tuesday, the responses received were that there would be a new person coming in her place and that the fronter was too attached. She came back thankfully, but it/he had pulled a big switch in the mean time in the midst of a panic attack. Eudora and the fronter were successfully speaking and comforting, albeit, perhaps not fully emotionally untangled from one another. It was almost robotic to speak to it/him, and it/he had tried one more time once she came back. So supposedly the question is, how to feasibly get a hold of and reason with it/him? It/he feels organic and willful, but during that episode was absolutely detached, almost mechanically. Perhaps that's more a question we ourselves should discuss, but any input is appreciated. Perhaps we could even figure out the dissociation on our own too, given some time. You have given us a lot to think about. Thank you, you are very helpful and kind.