Ered'nash's First Attempted Tulpa

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I don't think so. That's like a decent way to deal with it.


I may have mentioned this before. Doubt is fine outside of forcing. Inside forcing, it is complicated, because doubt is a word that refers to several different things, and some of them interfere with forcing.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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I may have been a bit hasty in declaring Leon a success. I can still feel him there occasionally, but I've yet to receive any sort of clear communication from him since my last post. I do occasionally get odd pressure behind my eyes, and I do remember head pressure being one of the early ways for tulpas/tulpae to communicate with their Hosts, so that's definitely a good sign, but that's not the only problem I've been having lately.


I mentioned earlier that after appearing to me in a dream, Leon's form, when I try to visualize it, became a somewhat blurry version of Tidus from FF10. Now, it seems to switch between Tidus and Squall, as if he can't quite decide. I've offered my input on the matter, and that seems to have helped, seeing as it's mostly settled on Squall, but the change still happens, albeit slower than before.


I haven't really been paying as much attention to them as I feel I should be lately. Granted, that's still at least one session of varying length a day, often more than once a day, but when compared to my initial efforts and focus, I do feel somewhat guilty about it.




And a big one. This one's rather personal, but I don't want to risk it having a negative impact due to ignorance on my part.


I'm, not exactly proud of my childhood. We've all done things we've regret, and we will continue to do so, but some of those actions tend to have profound repercussions throughout our lives. In my case, it was something I did when I was young (or multiple things, really) that made me somewhat scared of myself, mostly in what I could do if I let my emotions get the best of me. Since then, I've essentially been trying to kill off/deaden myself to emotions. A cursory amount of research into the relationship between Tulpas and emotions indicated that emotions can be a huge part of Tulpas and who they turn out to be, so my question here is, could I have unintentionally been hurting Leon and/or his development by cutting myself off from my emotions?


Confident I felt a tug of worry from Leon due to my own guilt in writing that down, the problem with that being I'm feeling him so clearly now that I am allowing myself to feel my emotions, opening the possibility that emotions are healthy or even necessary to his growth: This moment of clarity between us being from the breakdown of my emotional barriers, and when they go back up, he'll start fading from my senses again.

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Note that before you take to heart anything I say here, I'm no expert and forcing is, I'm told, different for everyone.


You mentioned an attempt to kill off your emotions.  As a fellow aspie who nearly broke his cousin through a hotel wall for flicking one of my toys back in the day, and at a later date cracked his sternum for not giving me a pair of scissors, I can understand being afraid of emotion and trying to limit it.


I've used philosophy and meditation (mostly Buddhist) in recent years to break away from that, but it's been slow progress.  I too am forming my first tulpa, whose name is Saoirse, and despite my history of emotional repression she's fine.  She's fairly calm and level-headed like I try to be, but that should show that our Tulpas as new beings don't have to carry our scars unless we intentionally give them over.


Summarily, don't worry.  You're trying to be better, and that's a good trait.  If Leon knows how hard you're trying for him- which I wouldn't doubt- he'll likely try to meet your efforts and do his best to be real.


Now, an opinion: you weren't hasty in declaring Leon a success.  He is a success, and the fact that you even think you might be feeling him is evidence of that.  He has someone who cares about him, who wants him to succeed, who wants him to be his best and be happy with his life.  Most people on their deathbeds seem to agree that that's the most important thing, which means Leon may very well already be more successful than some major corporate CEOs.


Now some advice I gleaned from a tulpamancy guide; if you think you're getting feedback, but aren't sure if you're just imagining it, think if you consciously formed the sensation.  If you didn't intentionally say the thing or create the pressure, assume it was your tulpa.  The worst that can possibly happen is you're wrong, and even you'll never know, much less anyone else.  Best case scenario, it's Leon and your belief and support will make him all the stronger.


If you're getting head pressures, great!  If Leon is choosing his own form, even if he's indecisive, that's a good sign!  He appeared in a dream?  That's a great sign.


Also, my two cents on his form, have you thought about making a hybrid form between Squall and Tidus?  Meshing them together?  Try that and show it to Leon.  Maybe he'll like it and stick to it.  If not, he won't, and that's okay too.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.


Ultimately, just do your best to believe in Leon and do your best for him.  He'll turn out like himself, and that's a good thing.

Dare to be real for me,

and I'll be real for you.

-Engravings on my and Saoirse's rings, respectively.


My tulpa's name is Saoirse, which is pronounced "sir-shuh."

It's Gaelic for "freedom."

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