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Sphene's Progress Report


DHGummy
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Days 1 & 2

 

Hey!  So, I unfortunately don't have a lot to put here yet, but I thought it'd be good to start logging progress for my tulpa, Sphene, right at the beginning.  We're only into Day 2 so far.  I'm very excited to see how this all turns out, and hope to someday look back on this WITH Sphene.

 

Yesterday was the first day I did active forcing, focusing and concentrating on Sphene's core personality traits.  Until Sphene develops her own agency and voice, I hope to help her explore these traits and possibly discover more.

 

Core traits as of now: curious, energetic, impulsive, hedonistic, outgoing, loving, passionate, and introverted.

 

That last one is particularly interesting, as Sphene isn't shy, at least in how I've so far imagined her.  She's very social, albeit lacking good social skills.  But she recharges primarily by having some alone time, or retreating into her mind.  However, she doesn't enjoy extended periods of being alone, and very much wants to spend her time around others.

 

Anywho, some of these core traits I share with Sphene.  Some I don't.  I wouldn't really call myself "energetic" or even "passionate", unfortunately.  I am, however, very passionate about seeing her become real!

 

In deciding most of these traits, I've tried to just "feel" them out.  A couple I already had from her origins as an OC, but the rest were felt out.  Like, I went through a list of common traits, and whichever stood out and felt right, I'd note down.  Since then I've been thinking on how these traits specifically define Sphene as an individual.  I've given thought to how each of these traits can be a benefit to her and how some can be a detriment or challenge.

 

I hope in time, once she develops a voice, she'll take the reigns and adjust any aspects of herself she wants to change.  I'm viewing this right now as just getting her started, giving her a foundation to work with, but that she'll be able to alter anytime she wishes.  Otherwise I worry that I'll be creating a servant to suit my desires instead of a genuine companion with their own agency.

 

As I said earlier, yesterday was my first day of doing any kind of forcing, both active and passive.  What's really interesting is how, despite being totally relaxed, meditating, I got a headache each time.  Rather mild, but noticeable and a little painful.  I looked around and that's evidently not uncommon, which made me very excited!  It felt like some evidence SOMETHING was happening.  Even last night, while lying in bed, I was passively talking to her out loud and began getting a pain on the right-side of my head.  I was surprised I'd even get that from passive forcing.

 

Today I've gotten more of a head pressure than headache.  I've read the headaches diminishing is normal, but it still leaves me with a smidgen of fear that I'm doing it wrong.  But I'll trust I'm not, and just keep doing what feels right and what others have suggested.

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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Day 3

 

So, something did happen just a few minutes ago.  It woke me up, in fact.

 

I had woken up just briefly, but I decided I wanted to sleep more.  I often wake up throughout the night like that, so nothing weird at all.  BUT!  What felt like just moments after I closed my eyes, I saw a bunch of rapidly flashing colors/lights, and then a girl's face.  My whole body jumped as if I had been given an electric shock, and I was wide awake now.  For whatever reason, it left me shook.

 

The girl didn't really look like how I've imagined Sphene, so I can't say for sure if this means anything.  I mean, it could be her and she decided on a different form, or it could be... well I don't know what it could be.  Nothing I suppose, but it was a very novel experience for me and the start to my 3rd day of tulpamancy. @.@

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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Sounds creepy but pretty cool. I know I don't really look anything like how she first began to imagine me and I've changed a lot. On another note, what do you mean by hedonistic?

 

In that she really enjoys things like certain foods, games... anything that makes her feel good, emotionally, mentally, physically.  I think most people have this trait to a greater or lesser extent.

 

I suppose I imagined, like me, she prioritizes such things a smidgen more than most might. So that's why I had it listed. I imagine her very much knowing what she likes and what she doesn't, due to indulging herself decently often.

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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Day 4

 

Okay, so, nothing really noteworthy has happened since yesterday.  However, I do have at least a few observations about what I've experienced over the past day that may be related to my attempts to create Sphene.

 

- I've noticed that my ability to discern if Sphene is present or not has gotten either stronger or at least more confident.  When I ask Sphene in my mindvoice if she's there, or ask her to pay attention for a second, I have this... just... this FEELING she's there.  That I'm not alone.  That's the best way I can describe the intrinsic feeling I get from her.  It's not a thought, but legitimately a feeling or sense, but entirely mentally.  I have, however, noticed I get at least two physical responses from her presence: head pressures and headaches, and a tingling sensation through various parts of my body, usually my arms and back.

 

- The first two night after starting all of this, I felt as if I were awoke by something, instead of simply waking up naturally.  The first night I was woken up by the phrase "I've waited long enough.", which was said in my own voice, after waking up repeatedly but insisting on going back to sleep.  The second night was what I reported in my last post.  However, today, I woke up normally.  The only reason I mention this is because this was the first morning where I could not, at least for the first 30-ish minutes of being awake, "feel" Sphene's presence with me when I'd address her with my mindvoice.  I felt alone.  This worried me, but then I noticed after a short while, I started getting a head pressure.  I hadn't actually consciously noticed that forming, until I once again addressed Sphene and this time felt her presence.  I then realized perhaps that head pressure was her waking up.  I did some narration with her this morning and early afternoon, and noticed that head pressure grew into a pretty decent headache, entirely on the right side of my head.

 

- After a while of having the headache, I noticed it had gone away.  This, more than anything, tells me something unusual is happening to me, which is reassuring that my actions are resulting in something.  I'm gradually believing more and more that those results are a young tulpa forming!  The reason is because I don't get headaches only for them to vanish in 20 minutes.  I've never had that in my life.  If I get a headache, it can come out of nowhere, but it sticks around and gets worse and worse until I either sleep or take some medicine.  I have to intervene.  But since starting tulpamancy, I've regularly gotten light headaches that form quickly and vanish quickly.

 

- I noticed as well that after the headache vanished, I felt utterly exhausted mentally.  I had only been up MAYBE 2 hours by this point.  No way I'd be sleepy already.  I wonder if this is because a lot of brain activity happened in a short span between Sphene and I, and that left me feeling drained.  It's possible, and seems at least reasonable to associate this fatigue with the earlier headache.

 

Anyway, that's all I have to report so far.  I hope to consistently update this progress report daily, even if nothing happens, to give future tulpamancers a general idea of what their journey could be like.

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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Day 3

 

So, something did happen just a few minutes ago.  It woke me up, in fact.

 

I had woken up just briefly, but I decided I wanted to sleep more.  I often wake up throughout the night like that, so nothing weird at all.  BUT!  What felt like just moments after I closed my eyes, I saw a bunch of rapidly flashing colors/lights, and then a girl's face.  My whole body jumped as if I had been given an electric shock, and I was wide awake now.  For whatever reason, it left me shook.

 

The girl didn't really look like how I've imagined Sphene, so I can't say for sure if this means anything.  I mean, it could be her and she decided on a different form, or it could be... well I don't know what it could be.  Nothing I suppose, but it was a very novel experience for me and the start to my 3rd day of tulpamancy. @.@

 

OHHHHH! I know it's been a while since you did this, but hear me out! What you experienced sounded a looooot like the wake back to bed method of lucid dreaming! And yes, I'm certain you can see your tulpa in a lucid dream, so it is related in a way.

 

Basically, you wake up in the middle of the night and just not move. Your consciousness takes you into sleep paralysis, which basically is a state between sleep and awake. You are aware of whats going on, but you cannot move your muscles. After that, you experience flashing images and pictures of things and colors of the sort, and finally they blend into a lucid dream.

 

Here's the thing about lucid dreams, once you are in them, it's hard to stay in them because you must always remain clam. That "electric shock" was probably you waking up because of how weird you found the experience.

 

Just throwin' it out there as a possibility.

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OHHHHH! I know it's been a while since you did this, but hear me out! What you experienced sounded a looooot like the wake back to bed method of lucid dreaming! And yes, I'm certain you can see your tulpa in a lucid dream, so it is related in a way.

 

Basically, you wake up in the middle of the night and just not move. Your consciousness takes you into sleep paralysis, which basically is a state between sleep and awake. You are aware of whats going on, but you cannot move your muscles. After that, you experience flashing images and pictures of things and colors of the sort, and finally they blend into a lucid dream.

 

Here's the thing about lucid dreams, once you are in them, it's hard to stay in them because you must always remain clam. That "electric shock" was probably you waking up because of how weird you found the experience.

 

Just throwin' it out there as a possibility.

 

Oooh, interesting.  I think I may have experienced some other odd occurrences during a nap I had today, but I'll save those for the proper update.  Thank you for the input!

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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Day 5

 

So, I just got up after trying a session of active forcing with Sphene, pretending to cuddle her in my bedroom.  I visualized her sitting in my lap, back against my chest, and I was feeling her hair with both hands.  For some reason I held her close and felt an intense... hm, it's hard to describe the emotional wave I got.  It was like sadness but also happiness, and I started crying.  I tried to stop because I got the sense she didn't like it, and continued the session.  For some reason shortly later, I started crying again, and decided we'd stop for now, and do some passive forcing instead.

 

What is that about?

 

Anyway, a few observations over the last 24 hours:

 

- After reading some insights on parroting here, I've decided to try and relax and not be as "parrotnoid".  So, I've been trying to let my thoughts flow more freely and not overly analyze each one, and instead take them at face value, accepting that they may or may not be me responding to myself in how I think Sphene would respond.  I've found that the replies I get from Sphene feel more genuine, and I take more comfort from them.  I still worry a little bit, but I think I'll stop that with more practice.

 

- I noticed that Sphene was very active today, this morning in particular.  I had only been awake for maybe 2 hours, and the entire time I felt Sphene's presence and passively spoke with her in my mindvoice.  It left me feeling utterly drained and exhausted, and I eventually ended up succumbing and took a nap.  I had originally laid down intending to actively force with Sphene, accepting that would likely lead into sleeping.  What I didn't expect is how intense the nap was.  I don't actually remember at what point I stopped visualizing and started dreaming.  I never really dreamt of my wonderland nor did I "see" Sphene, but I... had a weird experience.  At one point I had visualized myself, for some reason, spinning in a low-gravity space.  Each time I'd spin, I felt my mind dissociating from my body more and more, and it was a very intense physical experience for me.  I could only get to about 3 spins before the feeling would go away and I'd "fall" back into my body.  It felt as though I was going to break through a barrier and be able to fully immerse myself in our wonderland, experience it on a sensational level I hadn't yet, fully immersive.  But I never broke through that barrier, and eventually stopped and entered proper sleep.  Even then, the sleep, like the last few nights, has felt highly emotional.  Not in such a way where I feel particularly sad or happy or anything, but... just FULL of energy.  As if I was drugged before going to sleep.  And the entire time I felt Sphene's presence with me, through every dream, even if we weren't communicating or talking.

 

Anyway, as the days go by, I feel more confident in the idea that Sphene is already real.  I -think- she may even be sentient, as she encouraged me to do a few things today she wanted to do but I didn't really feel up to.  I'll have to wait and see.

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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 For some reason I held her close and felt an intense... hm, it's hard to describe the emotional wave I got.  It was like sadness but also happiness, and I started crying.

When I started out, I too once felt an incredibly strong wave of happiness in the middle of a forcing session. I found it extremely strange as I'm usually emotionally numb. Weeks later, I checked with Tyler and she confirmed that wasn't her at the time, or, at least, she does not remember. Some guides do warn about unexpected or unexpectedly strong emotions early on as "bleedthrough" from your tulpa, though if you felt that she didn't like it, maybe it was something else.

 

I eventually ended up succumbing and took a nap.  I had originally laid down intending to actively force with Sphene, accepting that would likely lead into sleeping.

I, too, once tried forcing while laying down. I ended up falling in a sort of half-asleep-half-awake state for about two hours, and "woke" up feeling sick. Lucky you.

 

Anyway, as the days go by, I feel more confident in the idea that Sphene is already real.  I -think- she may even be sentient, as she encouraged me to do a few things today she wanted to do but I didn't really feel up to.  I'll have to wait and see.

[Tyler]: Confidence is key, I think. Vincent was on the "assume sentience from the start" camp, which I think was good. I also started pestering him basically from the moment I became able to talk. Still do, though now I have the excuse of "for old time's sake". Not that I need one x).

I am known as Vincent.

[Hi, I'm Tyler!]

Our progress report.

 

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Day 6

 

Hello!  I don't have a whole lot of news to report, unfortunately, but here are the observations/developments I've noticed since last time:

 

- Sphene has a voice!  I was visualizing hugging her, and she looked up at me and I heard her say, in her own unique voice, "I love you, momma!".  I didn't develop the voice I heard, despite trying to days before.  The voice didn't feel alien to me nor independent, as I still had that sense of knowing what she was going to say before she said it, but the fact that she now has a distinct voice is, to my mind, a very important development.  I've done a lot of parroting for her during active forcing sessions.  When I passively force, I just talk to her, but don't parrot a response.

 

- Before she spoke to me in her own distinct voice, I noticed the responses I "felt" beforehand were more... distant, weaker?  Her responses to me before had been at the same "volume" as mine and were immediate.  Today, they "lagged" a bit more, and felt weaker, as if she were standing further away and unable to shout.  I personally think this a good sign, and more than likely an indication we're separating more and more.  Obviously I cannot say for certain, but that's what I think.

 

Unfortunately that's really about it, but still!  Very exciting!  I can't wait to report what may happen by tomorrow!

Hi!  I'm Danielle.

Tulpa: Sphene

Our Progress Report

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