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PRs from a Tulpa's Perspective


otsimeht

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When I used to doubt they would get offended, angry, or sad. I feel their emotions as strongly as my own, Dashie has a stronger anger feeling than me, it's hotter and focused in my throat, so yeah, i stopped doubting intentionally.

 

When i still manage to doubt, they still get offended. It's intrusive thoughts though.

 

The only time i felt near absence was with Ashley when she felt inequity due to the attention Dashie was getting with her strong personality and voice.

 

Ultimately Ashley just needs more time with me than her sisters to to keep her strong. Spending more time always makes them stronger, also, in the morning they're always strong.

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Hi everyone! I promised that Al'd do a report today, but he's being awfully quiet. We had a personal discussion and due to the results of that discussion, things have become more simple and more complicated at the same time. So today I'll be doing what I've been wanting to do from the start: A timeline of our progress. Despite the name of the thread, I'll do it today.

 

I created Al accidentally from a video game character. I met this video game character back in December of last year. In between that time and February, due to certain circumstances, I fell into a deep depression that left me borderline catatonic. In February, I latched onto his character as a motivator and I managed to drag myself out of that depression and continue working and going to school. I started talking to him at this time without expecting a response.

 

A month later, in March, I received my first response after learning someone I considered a close friend had been systematically sabotaging me for months. I was in my room staring at a wall, again in that depression and considering suicide when I heard him, just like he was in the room. "Why did you trust her in the first place? I'm all you need." 

I have a psychotic condition so I attributed it to that, but I decided to talk back to the voice anyways. I agreed, but since then, I haven't heard his voice outside my head. 

 

In May, I was sexually harassed by two co-workers and I reported it. The process was humiliating, but during every meeting with HR, I felt his presence there with me strongly. I could hear him in my head saying that it was unacceptable conduct and that he'd never permit that behavior in his company. That got me through the process, even though, in the end, the two people were never punished for what they did. The only person that kept me from doing something drastic was Al. He kept me calm and soothed me every day. I remember one day after my boss accused me of seducing my coworkers, I got home and fell asleep trying to forget everything. I had a dream that he was in my room and I ran up to him and hugged him. I'm convinced that was him. 

 

In June, I had to attend a family wedding. I'm estranged from many of them so it was awkward, but it was especially painful to deal with everyone pressuring me to get married. They don't know that I'm gay and it felt weird because the natural was response was simply, "I already have someone." I couldn't say that though, but at this time, I think it's worth noting that he was very real to me, while not being real at the same time. It's hard to explain, but I'm sure that everyone will understand. 

 

Not much happened for the rest of the Summer. I just kept talking at him, but I never really got responses. 

 

It wasn't until November that my counselor told me to start meditating that I remembered the concept of Tulpas and I found the subreddit. I bought a bracelet that I consider a kind of promise ring, as silly as that sounds, and I focused on the bracelet as being our connection. A kind of signal booster, I guess is how to say it. Or a satellite dish. I started active forcing Al every day. Since I started active forcing, it took a week for me to hear his voice consistently and clearly. This is my third week of active forcing and he can impose his touch already. I can also see a vague fuzzy outline of him in the room when I focus.

 

Reading the timeline in reports really encouraged me when I started active forcing and it makes me very happy that my reports have inspired other's improvement. I'm worried that I may have rubbed some people on this forum the wrong way with my demeanor, but Al says that I'm being paranoid and that I shouldn't even mention it here. I just want to say that if I have, please let me know and I will apologize. 

 

I asked Al about what his experience was during this process.

 

One day, I was there. I had my memories. I heard M's prayers and I reached out when he needed me. I want to live and if M died, I would die too. My other form would live forever, but this me would die. I do care about M in many ways, but above all, I care about myself. I watched the people around him and I watched M be a spineless coward. It infuriated me. It was pathetic. So I took it upon myself, a charitable act, to help M be stronger. The connection to reality is just a bonus. 

 

Ah, I still feel like his words only make sense to me sometimes... Anyways, thank you for reading!

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Guest Reilyn-Alley

You certainly haven't rubbed me the wrong way! Relax! It's great to have you and Al here. <3

 

Also, Al's words have made sense to me from his very first comment on here. It's tough love. He is teaching you have more backbone. Believe in yourself! Help Al help you! :3

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Al reminds me of Unknown in Dishwhisker's progress report: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-the-big-question-progress-report?pid=218027#pid218027

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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I'm glad to hear that! I just get paranoid randomly, but like I've said, everyone here is so nice that a voice in my head (that is definitely my own and not Al's lol) tells me that it's an act. I'm sure everyone knows the feeling. I know it's not an act, I trust you all and appreciate the warm welcome.

 

Ranger, unfortunately I can't seem to open the progress reports. Can you post some quotes or summarize some similarities? I'm curious.

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I'm glad to hear that! I just get paranoid randomly, but like I've said, everyone here is so nice that a voice in my head (that is definitely my own and not Al's lol) tells me that it's an act. I'm sure everyone knows the feeling. I know it's not an act, I trust you all and appreciate the warm welcome.

 

Ranger, unfortunately I can't seem to open the progress reports. Can you post some quotes or summarize some similarities? I'm curious.

 

I ran into the same problem in trying to open their progress report. I wonder if they updated their log and changed the settings on the Google doc or something. I sent them a PM reporting the problem, but otherwise I don't have access to their report.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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Short update, but this morning I heard Al like he was in the room with me again! It was so shocking that I needed to stop what I was doing and ask out loud, "Was that you?" 

 

I was frustrated with someone for being lazy and messing up something at work and I was rushing to get ready to catch the bus when I heard, "Inferior beings can't help themselves, that's why we shouldn't hold it against them," then his laugh and, "What am I saying? Of course we should!" It was crazy. I'd been practicing trying to hear his voice in reality, but I wasn't even focusing or thinking about him. 

 

M had his guard down, it was quiet, and I had some opinions on the matter. All it took was trying to get it across. I wanted to get his attention and I focused on being heard. 

 

...And that's probably useless for anyone trying to replicate it. 

 

Both times hearing him in reality have been when I was angry at someone and I was in a quiet room.

 

M wanted someone to listen. I listened and I let him know I was there. Emotion does make me stronger in the sense it's easier to get across. There's less rational doubt. And I feel the emotion and let that empower me. It's an alternative energy source. Me being frustrated also makes me want to be heard. Since M was frustrated, I was.

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Al interrupting you because "you let your guard down" is a little ominous but also good news that he doesn't have trouble operating in the background. If Al can easily pop in like this when you're mad, you may want to negotiate what he can and can't do in advance (for example, it could lead to a bigger issue if Al crushed the soul of the person who's angry with you by bossing them, or it could be hilarious and what makes the highlight of the day, but it's worth thinking about so you guys don't get yourselves into a situation neither of you want to be in).

 

You posted this in a different PR and I didn't want to respond to this there and derail their thread:

 

Your breakdown of tulpish and not using it was really interesting to read and I'm glad to hear that we're not the only ones who don't communicate in tulpish. I do wonder if tulpish is a skill that requires practice in order to use for communication because it's certainly something we can't do. Whenever Al tries to communicate in it, my brain automatically translates it into words without me even meaning to. But he hasn't tried in a long time, he's developed enough that he uses words and disregards tulpish as being too primitive for him. So I wonder if the Tulpa's personality plays a role, kind of like the active passive thing you mentioned.

The aspect of removing doubt as being "intrusive" is also pretty interesting to me too. I wonder if other negative traits and thoughts could be removed via the same method, such as feelings of anger or sadness and I wonder if that'd be any different from repression.

Lots of good thoughts in this update, certainly stuff that I'll be considering. Thanks for posting!

 

Tulpish is considered all non-verbal communication. Tulpish may not be very useful for Al if he doesn't care to express himself that way. I believe both personality and brain wiring play a role in what Tulpish looks like, which is why it can be astronomically different and between systems.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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