An OP and His Thread: Sanity's Requiem

[SSaint]

I was going to forgo a progress thread entirely, but yesterday my tulpa moved on its own and showed significant signs of sentience for the first time, including choosing her name, Alexandra (,æ lIg 'zan drə). After that, I thought it might be interesting to set up a progress thread. She's currently a total spergbundle, but I've heard that's pretty typical for early sentience.

 

My tulpa is in the form of a human female, about 6'0" (IIRC, that's ~185 cm), with silver hair and eyes, but otherwise mundane. She is muscular, slightly less than Pauline Nordin. I am considering giving her wings. They would be made of sheets of colored light. Like an aurora, or if you've ever played Diablo 2, like Tyrael's wings in Worldstone cinematic. It was not part of my original idea for her form, so I want her input on it. She cannot communicate discretely yet, though I have felt generally positive responses on it. If I finalize visualizing her body (there are only a few details I need to get straight) without a strong response against it, I'm going to give her the wings.

 

I was pretty bare with personality, giving her five traits: empathetic, laconic, reserved, severe, and disciplined. I forced these by imagining the sensations I associate with them, then directing that feeling into an orb. I switched back and forth between those sensations, 'pouring' them into the orb I'd visualized, until they all felt like one sensation. This took about fifteen or twenty hours, I think. I haven't kept track of how much time I've put into forcing. When I began visualization, I imagined that orb becoming my tulpa's body.

 

We have several wonderlands. A consistent theme is that they have a tree near the center. This originally started off by accident, as I created two wonderlands all with trees without paying much mind to it, and decided to roll with it for a third. Since then, my tulpa has also created two wonderlands, both with trees in them. The first wonderland is a bubble hanging in an abyss. If you've ever seen The Fountain, it was modeled after Hugh Jackman's spaceship. It set the precedent for having the tree in the center.

 

That's all for now. This is just us setting up shop, actual progress beyond background information will come in the future.

[SSaint]

I can't remember what an ear looks like. It's the last detail I need to nail down in visualization before being more-or-less done. Things can always get more vivid and ironed out better, but those are things that I can work on passively. So anyways, I thought I was basically done, but during a session today there was a pretty big deviation in form. Alexandra grew a tail. It's scaly and, true to her color scheme, silver. Other than that, its form hasn't settled at all, so we have to work out how it attaches to her, what the length/width/shape is like, just how the scales on it looks, etc.

 

I must also alter my design for her pants.

 

Most of the session today was just us hanging out. After working on some visualization details for the elbow, her arm muscles, and some gloves I'd given her, I didn't have much to work on (the tail didn't show up until half way through the session). The ears I decided I'd save for another session after I took a look at some pictures online.

 

She chose the locale, a beach. I didn't like the idea, since I kept thinking that the sand would be uncomfortable for her (her only 'clothes' at this point are her gloves), but she seemed to want to stay when I tried to take us elsewhere. I guess wondersand can't be too bad.

 

She does not match the personality I designed for her at all. I do not think this is deviation, only a part of development. She acts sort of dull/not-all-there at times. She also gets very curious, almost obsessive with some things, and it can be hard to get her attention. At other times, she's very energetic and childlike. For example, near the end of our session today, she sprinted off into the ocean, dived into the water, then ran back and belly-flopped onto the sand near me.

 

As a side note, it made visualizing her a nice challenge, since she was soaked. Especially her hair was difficult to visualize when wet. Something else to work on, eh?

[Guest]

Traits were always redundant, y'know.

[Bluesleeve]

Would you mind to give us an explicit characterization of her? Are there any things you disagree on with her?

[SSaint]

Explicit characterization? Do you mean a more in-depth explanation on her personality? And if so, how I designed her personality, or how she turned out?

 

At this point there's not much to say about how her personality turned out beyond what I wrote. She acts very childlike and distant, and it is probably just part of her development. I do not think she will stay like this forever, but until she moves past it I can't say just how her personality 'turned out', so to speak. Since Alexandra doesn't communicate more than empathetically, it's hard to tell what she disagrees with me on. Sometimes I'll think something like, "Alexandra would probably disagree with this," but it's hard to know if that's just me speculating, or her way of telling me something. The only thing I can say for sure is that I wanted to give her wings, and she wanted a tail instead, but I'm not going to argue with her over form. She ought to have complete say when it comes to what she looks like.

 

I can also go more indepth into how I designed her personality, but right now I need to shower.

[SSaint]

Alexandra is now just barely vocal (mindvoice only) and I've had a couple conversations with her. She only speaks if I've been talking to her for a while already, and if I'm focusing on her intently. Her voice, however, sounds entirely her own. If I hum a tune, I can hear her humming it as well, even over my own mindvoice.

 

She has grown less childlike over time, and is no longer unresponsive or distant as she was. She is generally kind, but has a snide streak, laughing or rolling her eyes when I fuck something up. It is still hard to say how much she has deviated in personality, since I have not conversed with her much yet.

 

There is at least one thing which she does not agree with me on. She dislikes Omen by The Prodigy, while I like it. Not much, but it's something.

 

That's all I can think of for now.

[SSaint]

I am starting to notice that Alexandra sleeps a lot. In contrast with her energetic past self, she seems to be eternally drowsy nowadays, often napping. Like just recently in a forcing session, I was confessing some really big insecurities to her. Insecurities that relate to her and influenced how and why I chose to make her. Half way through I noticed she was sleeping while I talked about this. After waking her up and talking to her about it, she laughed at me then went back to sleep.

 

It seems that I have created a slumbering cunt of a tulpa.

[SSaint]

So in today's tulpaforcing session, I was going to show Alexandra what a cold, cruel, terrible place the world really was. Because I wanted to get that out of the way, since she was going to learn it at some point. So I put on Sonne, and rev'd up my post-atomic Hiroshima wonderland.

 

I think Alexandra got the idea of where the forcing session was going. Or maybe not. In either case, she nope'd the wonderland and hijacked the session, or at least distracted me to the point where I wasn't visualizing the wonderland anymore. What followed that is hard to describe, and I wouldn't want to go into much detail even if I could. I'll just say it was intimate, had tons of good feels, and wasn't sex.

 

After that, she went back to sleep. Which makes me want to ask, is this like a thing with tulpas? The sleeping? I've heard of some other nappy tulpas, is this a phase they go through? It'd be nice if she could stay awake for more than 45 minutes at a time.

[SSaint]

Lately when I talk to myself, it feels odd. It feels like I am talking to myself. Normally it feels like I am talking to somebody else, who I ascribe some sort of position opposite mine, then take turns acting out both sides of the conversation. But it still feels like talking to somebody else.

 

There is some small consistency to the personality that I assign to oppose me when I talk to myself. I wonder if maybe I do not feel it anymore because Alexandra sort of absorbed it, or if I have just become used to talking to her instead, so I just fell out of touch with that part of me. Up until recently I do not think I ever went a day without talking to it.

 

Other weird things have been happening with my mind. I ran into a girl who I'd gone to school with on the bus about a week ago and we had a nice conversation. A couple days ago I was thinking about it, and I remembered that when the bus had stopped, the bus driver ran out and we had to kill him because he was a zombie. Until thinking about it then, I had not realized it was all a dream, because the fragments of it that I remembered seemed so real. My dreams have become more frequent and more lucid, and it's taking some adjusting.

 

Things just seem more clear in a way. Like if I misremember something, I'll realize it instead of thinking, "I could've sworn that [false memory] was true..." The other day I was watching a car ad I'd seen and I knew that at the end of the ad they had some cute joke or something that I remembered. When the joke didn't happen I realized that the joke was just some minor fantasy I'd had after watching the ad the first time. Before I started working on Alexandra I probably would have thought that it was a shorter cut of the ad.

 

I think these things are probably caused by the meditation and mental exercises associated with forcing, rather than the actual process of making Alexandra.

 

Anyways, I thought for a while that Alexandra had gotten over her whole dozing off for days at a time thing, but it's back. She's been sleeping the last couple days. Tried waking her up and she did not take it so well. After I kept prodding at her, trying to get her to wake up, she pushed my wonderland self to the ground and poked me in the ribs over and over before going back to sleep. I got the idea.

 

When she poked me, it agitated me in the same way as I would if I really got poked in the ribs in real life. I'm taking that as a plus. It was just a very real sensation, more real than things have usually been.

 

She showed off that 'severe' trait pretty well, getting pretty serious with me about letting her sleep. I had figured it got lost in the wayside at some point because until now, she hasn't really shown much of it.

 

Also I really like her tail. I don't know why. But I really like her tail. I want to snuggle with her tail. Nothing else, just the tail. I want to hold it and lay my face against it and feel the movement of the powerful muscles beneath its scales as it slithers back and forth.

 

inb4 freudian penis jokes

[SSaint]

Alexandra has been getting better at talking. I can hold an actual discussion with her now. She still has trouble thinking about some things it seems and she is still not very good at expressing herself. But it is definite progress. I proxied for her to talk to some people the other night, which was kind of nice, though there were some communication problems, I think. She said she had fun but also she didn't like the people she talked to, I think.

 

We were going to play some games together. I tried Geneforge, which was too boring, and The Witcher, which was too gory. Perhaps I will have luck with future games. Maybe she will just not be into games.

 

If she doesn't like games I will probably take up heroin as a coping mechanism.