john and I progress report

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I don't know if I will update it everyday, but I thought that this would be a good way for me to keep track of the progress, with the bonus of having some tips or thought from the members and from their Tulpae.


Now a few things I want to point out before starting since it may affect the process. Finding refuge in my imaginary world is not new for me, I have severe social anxiety, so I am a lonely person. But just because social interactions stresses me out, doesn't mean I appreciate being alone all the time. So imagination was a great way for me to cope with loneliness. That being said, until last week I had now idea that the concept of Tulpamancy even existed.  I just stumbled across a Youtube video talking about it, I was skeptic, but the idea of making a product of my imagination actually feel real was very appealing. I had noting to lose trying, worst case scenario it wouldn't work and that's it.


So I did a few research, but I only looked for the basics. Basic terms, creation process, what to do, what not to do and such. I didn't want to read to much about it, because I was afraid it would influence how things would go. So I'm basically going in half blind figuratively. 


Day 1

I waited till February first to start, because I figured it would be an easy date to remember. I started by creating my small wonderland, I wanted it to be small and simple, because it wasn't the main focus for me. I just wanted a place where I could easily picture my Tulpa, which is my main focus for now. My little world is a small cabin in the woods, near a calm lake. The inside is cozy, soothing and warm. There is a fireplace inside surrounded by comfortable couches with some blankets on them and a gramophone on a desk for ambiance. There is a little porch with chairs so you can sit and just enjoy the view of the lake and mountains. I did put a small dock and a canoe, knowing that at one point, doing activities with my Tulpa would be a thing. To imagine it, I did like I was drawing it in my head, starting with the sketch, then coloring and on. This made it easy for me to picture the place clearly and to remember how it looks like.


When this was done. I took a few minutes ti relax my mind and then started "sculpting" my Tulpa. In fact I had no idea how I wanted him to look like, I just knew I wanted my Tulpa to be a male because I tend to get along better with them. So I thought let's just pop out some random dude sitting on the couch. And John popped out out of nowhere quite naturally with his own look. So on the first day this is how John looked like (He  changed a little on day 2, but not much):

He looked like he was in his mid 30, more of a slender type but not skinny. He seemed a little taller than me, but it was hard to tell because he was sitting down. He had blond mid length messy hair (but really messy, to the point of looking neglected), brown eyes and a few days old beard. He was wearing a short sleeve white shirt that wasn't buttoned up correctly and a simple pair of jeans. For some reason I could picture his shoes well, I still can't, I don't know why. He wasn't ugly, quite the opposite actually even if he would not be my type in real life, but to make it short he looked like a guy who just woke up after a heavy night of drinking, lol.


I had found a Step by step way about how to proceed and decided to use it to know what to do next. It said that I had to give my Tulpa a purpose, a motivation and 3 main personality traits during the first session of forcing. It also said that Tulpa tend to develop their own personality with time and that they should be free to do so. I voiced what I was about to do, and explained him that he was free to dismiss any of it if he wasn't happy with it. This is basically the traits I gave him, I also explained to him what those things meant to me and why it was important to me:

Purpose: Companion and moral support

Motivation: Build a relationship where both of us are winning and growing as a person

The main traits: Compassion, honesty and a good sens of humor. 


Before going on I want to point out 3 things: 

- While I was doing this he had absolutely no reaction. I didn't move or speak, he wasn't even looking at me. He was just staring in front of him.

- I started addressing him as John out of nowhere, I didn't think of a name. It just came out of my "mouth" when I spoke to him. I then retracted it and said to him that I should let him pick his own name, but I kept calling John unwillingly, so I just said: "You know what? Let's call you John for now and if you don't like it, we'll change it later."

-I had a flu ( I still have, but it's better now) and kept sneezing. This was breaking my concentration and pulling me out of my wonderland randomly.


Now, all of this didn't take much time and I felt like I still wanted to interact with him in a less formal way a little bit. So I just started some random conversation, trying to not puppet him or put words into his mouth. He still wasn't talking back or moving, but I decided to not pay attention to it too much and kept it like a normal conversation. Because of my flu, not only was I popping in and out of my little world, but it was also hard for me to keep track of what I was saying to him. I thought that this would come off as weird and rude, so I apologized to him, explained him why this was happening and that it was annoying, but that there was nothing I could do about it. And I immediately fell a touch (If you've read my first tread about it, you know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to explained it in more details). It was a light pressure on my chest and my back, like someone giving me a hug. But it wasn't quite like a real life hug, it was different. The best way I can explain it, is: You know when you sit in a wrong position for to long and you leg feel numb, it kind of tickles a little bit? It was similar. I slight pressure and a tickling feeling where the pressure was put, but without the numbness. The image of him in the wonderland didn't move at all while this was happening. This startled me, I wasn't expecting this so early and I sure wasn't expecting it would feel so real. I kinda freaked out a little bit and this pulled me out of my world again. I took some time to think about what just happen, trying to process it and I fell asleep on it. I didn't go back until the following night after joining this forum.


I'll put what happened on day 2 in the comments, so it'll be easier to read.

Day 2


I spent the day thinking about what happened the night before and I was feeling bad for John about the way I reacted.


I did some mediation and breathing exercises ( the exercises my therapist taught me to do to lower my anxiety level) before forcing.


John wasn't where I left him last time. This time he was on the porch standing up with his back leaning against the wall next to the door, his arms were crossed in front of him in a relax way. Like he was waiting for me. I don't know if he went there on his own, but I have some doubts, I think I may be the one who put him there. After what happened before, that's how I would have pictured it: Him waiting for some explanation.


He also had changed a little bit, his hair was longer, still a little bit messy but tied in a loose pony tail. His shirt was buttoned correctly but not all the way up, it had now long sleeves. He also had a black cheap looking watch to his wrist. I still couldn't figure out the shoes, it's like...blur, lol. Outside than that he was looking the same.


At first it seemed like he still wasn't moving, but as I walk toward him I notice that his eyes were following me. Again, I don't know if I was unintentionally puppeting him. His expression was still neutral though. I went next to him, apologized again for my bad reaction and all. He didn't turn his head towards me and didn't speak, but he was still looking at me and he slightly smiled. I don't think this was my doing, but I could be wrong. Regardless, I think that means we are fine and it made me happy.


I decided to leave aside my step by step thingy and just follow my instinct. I pointed out that it was kinda weird to me that he could touch me but not talk or move. His expression changed and he seemed a little bit annoyed by my remark. Probably because of the word "weird". I talking about the forum and how you guys said we should consider ourselves lucky, because it's apparently an advanced technique and doesn't happen often. His expression immediately changed, he smiled again but this time showing some teeth and I swear that I could perceive some kind of pride coming from him after saying that.


After that I asked him to talk, that I thought he was already talking, but that I just couldn't ear him. His expression became neutral again. I told him to just say random stuff and that I would focus on trying to hear him. I can't tell if he actually did it, but I tried real hard on my part, without success. I stopped because I was starting to feel a small headache in the front of my skull and I fell incredibly tired after a few minutes. I told him I wanted to rest and sleep, but that before that I wanted to end this forcing session on a good note. I asked him, since he seemed good at it, to touch me again, but to a random place that I wasn't expecting just to experiment. It wasn't immediate this time, it took a few seconds, but I fell a touch on my cheek bone. Like a finger pointing my left cheek and gently pressing on it. No tickles this time, just a pressure. I told him what I had felt and he smiled again, so I think I was right.


I ended up just wishing him good night, told him I woulld come back tomorrow night (which is tonight). He didn't had any reaction, he just kept smiling.


That's it for day 2. Like I said I don't know for sure if it was his doing or mine...or both. But that what happened anyway. Tonight I think I'll try positive reinforcement with him. He seemed quite flattered when I talked about that "touching thing being unusual", so I think it may gives good results with him.

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Congrats on your progress so far!


If you ever feel overwhelmed, try verbalizing your feelings to John. It may help you relax a little and John may decide to contribute.


If you ever feel stressed or mad at yourself, don't beat yourself up about it. My host has a lot of anxiety too, and her being anxious is not something I fear or anything like that. I always felt the most uncomfortable when she was mad at herself just for being anxious and then watching her isolate herself from me because she was afraid she would hurt me in some way. Most of the time feelings are shared, and you no longer have to deal with those feelings by yourself anymore.

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay!

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Day 3


Not much changes happened on day 3, John's expression were more clear and easier to interpret. One thing though is that I think he may be active and able to move when I am not around, like on day 2, this time he was in an other location. This time he was sitting at the kitchen table and looked really bored. So I suspect he can move around when I am not there, which bring me to the conclusion that I may be the one unwillingly blocking his movement? I don't know if it can be a thing, but it seems likely to me. Because of that m y main focus wasn't on him this time, I realized that my wonderland was pretty much like the decor of a play. It looked nice, but was not functional. I've put more of my mental effort feeling the cabin and making it work. Added a few distraction, like a pool table, switched the gramophone for a jukebox, added a bar and everything needed to make drinks.


As I was walking around the cabin I tried to focus on the sound of the creaking floor and the feel of the things I touched, putting even attention on the smell tha would roam in the room. I used the furniture that was there to make sure it was actually working and not just for the look. It seems to have worked wonderfully. When I meditate a go in my bed,  I lay on my back on top of the blankets, and focus on my breathing and my heartbeat. But in my wonderland I decided to use the fireplace and started the fire, focusing on making it feel as real as possible, trying to feel the heat and the crippling sound of the fire. And it worked really well, I actually started to feel hot in the real world, when I came back my body was sweating. 


Outside than that nothing much. John still look the same. I did spoke to him a little but not much, after the work I did with the wonderland I was too tired to do anything else. John seems to have appreciated what I did though.

Day 4


This day was particular because I did two forcing session. And that where I've seen the most progress so far.


I had some free time on my hand so I decided to do a forcing session in the middle of the afternoon. I wanted to do with John what I did with the cabin. So I explained to him what I intended to do. I kinda zoom in on him to try to see the details. Trying to see the hair on his arms or the texture of his shirt. Then I touched him, which is something I had not done so far. This was not only to make him more real to me, but also to see If I could physically feel touching him, like how I felt when he touched me. Funny thing I did feel something in the palm of my hand when I was touching is shirt, but only on the left hand, like my right hand couldn't feel anything. Same tingling sensation that I described earlier, on day 1 and 2. 

I grabbed his arm and took a look at his watch, it was a black digital watch made of rubber and aluminium, the kind of watch you can buy at Walmart for 15$. The watch was pretty clear, but I couldn't see the time on it. The screen was just black, no time was appearing on it. But there apparently was a branding on the watch? There was the word Eclipse wrote in silver lettering at the bottom of the watch. I have no idea if it's an actual brand or if it mean something, but it was there and I am 90% sure this wasn't my doing. The scene felt awkward to me, but John seems to have find the whole thing quite hilarious. Especially when I pointed out I still couldn't see his shoes clearly, I could swear I heard the beginning of a laugh when I said that his shoes were now officially my Nemesis.

Strangely enough, despite him not talking yet, John seems familiar too me. Like I've been knowing him for a while. I can really explain that feeling in a rational way. It's just a feeling I have. I said goodbye to him after more casual talk and took the rest of the day to think about it.


On the second forcing session, it was late at night, at first I intended to do the same as the first session. But I noticed he was moving a little bit this time, not much, a little like a rusted robot that needed oil. I did some testing by asking him to grab my hand, he managed to move his arm from a few inches, but not enough to grab my hand. I was really pleased by this and didn't miss the opportunity to mention it to him. It may be a coincidence, but until then I was really focusing on trying not to parrot him or puppet him. I wonder if I didn't stop him from moving or talking by doing so. Because the more I think about it, the more I feel like he may not be that ''young''. I've read a few things about characters and other toughtforms being ''upgraded'' to the status of Tulpa by accident and I'm starting to think it could be the case here. The thing is, none of the characters I've created looks like John and since he can't really talk to me, it hard to tell. There's is something about his body language and expressions that really seems familiar though. There is one character that comes through my mind, that could fit. She is a character name Emeline I created a couple of years ago, for some reason that character stuck with me for quite some time, until I decided to give her a back story and made a webcomic about her. The webcomic was obsessing me back then, I was spending 40 hours a week working on it and when I wasn't working on it I was thinking about it. It was a character driven story so Emeline was mostly deciding herself where the story would go. At one point I even surprised myself talking like her, saying thing she would say. I eventually gave up on the webcomic because it was too much time consuming for me, I had no personal life left for at least a year because of it. But that character was still in my mind, so much that about 2 month ago I decided to write her story instead of making a webcomic.


The thing is, John's body language; the way he is positioned when I go to the wonderland and his facial expressions, really look like the kind of expression I would draw for Emeline when I was working on the comic. Maybe it is my doing, after all I've spent so much time with that character that maybe my subconscious is giving those traits to John. Or maybe he is Emeline but with a different look, or maybe he just took her personality traits because he saw how much I care about this character, who knows? After all we share the same brain, so he probably knows who she is. I guess the only way I'll know will be to ask him, once we can communicate better.


Day 5


Not much on day five I'm afraid. I had a very busy and hard day. When I went to my bed I was exhausted and fell asleep almost on the spot. So noting new on day 5.


I'm sorry in advance if some of the text is confusing, I didn't have acces to a computer often so I wrote part of it one day, and another part on the next day and so on....and now I'm to lazy to re-read all of it to see if everything is okay, lol.

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