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The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men


IceCreeper909
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(Taken from LOTPW) 

Also high-key stressed with all my finals and such </3 

seriously I wouldn't be surprised if the reason I was rude or whatever at work was bc I was so stressed about everything. That doesn't excuse it but I'm not one to typically let stress show but boy diggity you can tell I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm leaving one era of my life and entering the next. On one hand, I feel like I'm not ready yet, but on the other hand, I feel like I've been ready, and that in fact, it's not enough, that more needs to change. What I mean by that is, I feel like despite the fact that I'm soon to be a high school graduate and college student with a job, I'm tied down by the fact I'm still 17, and will be until next year. I'm ready to move out and start my professional life pursuing my dreams and ambitions, but at the same time, there's so much I don't know yet, so much that's expected of me seemingly arbitrarily, and it's all just so overwhelming. My best friend has been MIA for a couple weeks dealing with his own life, and I just feel so alone. 

People expect so much of me, but why? They hold me to higher standards than they hold others, and why? Even people that don't know me that well and thus shouldn't expect more from me do and it's just like, how?? Why is it that everyone arbitrarily expects so much of me, but why never what I want to do for myself? Everyone else's expectations from me are in a completely different state than what it is I actually want to do. Sure, I can do x, but I don't see the point in it! It's silly. Even when I do everything that I should, even when I surpass my peers in every way, it still isn't enough. People act like what I've accomplished isn't what I deserve, that I'm a faker, but simultaneously, I'm a slacker for not living up to my potential. Which is it? Everywhere I go people have these expectations for me and why? For what? Are they jealous or something? They're all praying on my downfall it feels. I don't feel safe around nearly anyone. I feel like I need to almost hide my face to disguise myself out of shame. I feel like a liar. A fake. A fraud. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a lazy bum. A waste. I'm not doing enough, I should always be doing more, I have no excuse. I don't feel good enough, but even by admitting that, I feel like I'm being weak, that I'm disappointing people, annoying them, that I'm just a nuisance. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in person about it. My school counselor has this demeaning tone, and whenever I say something like the above, she just scoffs and says it's all in my head. Like, gee whiz, that sure helps, not! I unironically, not-a-joke, not-a-bit, feel like I'm losing my mind, like my sanity is slowly draining from me. I don't feel like I can trust myself or my mind, but nor can I trust anyone else, but I have to trust them, because they say they know better than me. I feel dirty, disgusting, ashamed, pathetic, weak, parely pitiable. My own memory barely works, it feels like. I've suspected I've had memory problems for a long while but I feel like they're only getting worse. Is being mass gaslit even possible? Or am I imagining it? What's there to imagine, though? Am I imagining that I'm slowly losing my grip on reality? Am I imagining that people tell me things that happened that I don't remember? Or the other way around? I don't even know what kind of help I'd need for something like this. Hell, I feel like if I was brought to someone to talk about all this, my evidence wouldn't be sufficient enough, and I'd just get marked as a liar, an attention seeker. Why, I do want attention, but that's a separate matter entirely. I want someone to hold. Someone to help me through even the darkest of nights, someone who will not leave me. I have Layy, and I have my other system mates, but as we have long established, that's not quite enough, now, is it?  I don't know why, all I know is that it isn't. If I can't trust myself, how can I trust those of me? 

I'm tired, guys. Tired of doing everything I can but it just not being enough, and feeling like it's not even my own accomplishments, that I'm a faker. I need to see someone about all of this, but who? 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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(edited)

Esper: A lot has been happening, but not much, either. Hi guys, it's me, Esper. Uhmm, so let me explain. Last night at work, Bryan was for the latter half of his shift (he works closing) suuuper just out of it. His vision was blurry, his mind was foggy, he had trouble understanding others, movement was difficult, the whole 10 yards. So like, (I'm gonna be jumping around a lot, just FYI) previously, our manager, Vanessa, texted us about I guess some employee complaints about us being rude to coworkers, walking away during a rush, not listening to shift lead, etc., but like, that doesn't really sound like anything we've done? We narrowed it down to one person it could've been that complained about us, and that night we were all stressed, and I think she just misinterpreted us a lot or smth, but the tl;dr is it was a misunderstanding, more than likely. We asked Vanessa for clarification but she left us on read. But last night, during closing, we told our coworker Jason about it, and how we were left on read, and he told us about how apparently we went off on our coworker Matt several times, but the weird thing is, we don't remember it at all? We literally have no recollection of it. That makes us worry that there's more things that happened that we simply don't remember. 

Additionally, when Bryan was super out of it last night, he was acting kinda like a small child that is paranoid he's doing something wrong, or a skittish puppy. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does. I think the point I'm getting at is, Bryan hasn't been doing well mentally. We've suspected we've had a memory problem for some time now, but it may be worse than we thought. 

We pray every night, and something we've been praying for is that we're able to get more in tune with our wolf side, so to speak. Funny enough, I think that's exactly what's happening. A while ago, we tried to swap, where Bryan and I swapped our roles as host and sub-rep, respectively, the main reason being o sort of mature our wolf side. Our thinking is, I, Esper, died when I was a child. I didn't mature. Thus, that part of us, our wolf side (I hate calling it that, it sounds so edgy and cringe), is still that of a child. So while our human side has matured, our wolf side hasn't. Basically, Bryan is better equipped for our human side, I'm more equipped for our wolf side, makes sense. And so the goal with swapping would be for us to let our wolf side mature. We did an attempt a while ago, but nothing came of it and we stopped after just a few days. But recently, with how Bryan has been acting, I wouldn't be surprised if we got our wish, and our wolf side is beginning to become more dominant, but Bryan isn't really meant for that, if that makes sense, which is what's leading to all the unexplained exhaustion and such. The point I'm getting at is, we may want to consider doing another swapping attempt here really soon. 

But even then, what if the assumptions we've made are false? I'm fronting right now, but I'm still dazed and confused, and am very irritable. If I'm better equipped to deal with this, why am I having the exact same symptoms as Bryan? There's of course the explanation that this has nothing to do with therianthropy or even tulpamancy, and that it's indicative of some other, more severe mental issue, but we hope that isn't the case, even though it likely is. It might be overstimulation, really. 

When Bryan was feeling shifty last night, and before at work, he feels scared. Afraid. Apologetic. Like he just wants to close his eyes and sleep. When I front and am particularly shifty(I'm always more shifty than Bryan), I feel sad, annoyed, angry. I don't know what I want but I don't think it's this. 

I don't know if swapping would actually help. I think before we do a swapping attempt we should consult a psychologist about our mental issues to see if there's a more readily available explanation, but I don't know where we'd go for that. I just want to feel better, but I also want answers. If it really does have something to do with our therianthropy, then I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to learn as much as I can about who I once was and about how I feel about life now, and then, and always. Okay thank you all for listening have a good day.  

Edit: After writing this I realized I was switched in lol, completely accidentally but fully switched in. I've switched out now but I may switch back in accidentally, we'll see. 

Edited by IceCreeper909

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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Mmm, I don't know anything about therianthropy so I'm not gonna talk about it. But like you said in your post, it does sound like certain mental disorder. You know which one. I'm not saying you have it at all, I'm not one to diagnose stuff but like you said, you should see someone about this. Not remembering things you did at such a young age is not normal. One thing is forgetting a name or a face and a very different thing is to forget things you did. Especially if it's worrying you guys.

 

But please, don't go thinking you have X disorder before you actually get diagnosed by a professional. We did that mistake and it just made things worse. Brains are weird and if they think they have something, it'll start making up symptoms even if you don't have the disorder. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

Hi. I'm Miri, Miichu's host. I want to help my tulpa achieve her goals but ultimately, I'm just tagging along. Here's our Progress Report

 

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I assume you mean the disorder that starts with the 4th letter of the alphabet, @Miri? If so, I doubt it. I think it might be something serious though but idk. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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8 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

I think she just misinterpreted us a lot or smth, but the tl;dr is it was a misunderstanding, more than likely.

 

I hate speculation for these kinds of things, but I think misinterpretation is much more likely than you having a memory problem. It could be a simple matter of seeing things differently. What might be "making a few innocuous comments" to you might be "going off on him" to another person. Maybe you underestimated how irritable you were. We don't always know how we come off to other people, and young people in particular often don't have the perspective to really know how they're perceived by others just because they don't have the depth of experience yet.

 

On the other hand, it's still plausible that something else is going on. You have mentioned traumatic events in your childhood, and that has been known to sometimes cause that kind of dissociation.

 

Having said all that I'm not a medical doctor nor a mental health expert by any means so don't take my thoughts as anything more than just that--thoughts from a non-expert. All the same wishing the best for you. 🤗

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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Yeah but also there's been other times where I've had the intense memory loss, not just then. or the opposite, where I remember things that didn't happen clearly and genuinely think that they did 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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7 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

I assume you mean the disorder that starts with the 4th letter of the alphabet, @Miri? If so, I doubt it. I think it might be something serious though but idk. 

Yeah, it was that disorder. Memory loss, dissociation, traumatic events like Simmie said, acting like a child... It might be something else but that's why I thought of the disorder

Hi. I'm Miri, Miichu's host. I want to help my tulpa achieve her goals but ultimately, I'm just tagging along. Here's our Progress Report

 

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I really hope not, but I don't know what else it could be. I'll see a doctor about it. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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We've thought about this a bit more, so let's talk about this a bit more. But first, I have a special something I want to talk about. At the end of my freshman year of high school, all freshmen wrote a letter to their future selves that we'd be receiving upon graduation. Yesterday we were handed our letter. In it, we talked about how we all hope things are going well, especially in our system. Curiously, Esper had said something that was unusual for the time. He was crying out for help. I don't remember why but he sounded urgent. He was practically pleading for things to get better. 

Last night I was thinking about the possibility of us having DID. About how when we're shifty, we're more child-like, about how when the wave of fatigue(idk what else to call it) hit us at work we were shifty, how Esper is seen as better at dealing with that stuff, about how I've said that Chloe is the future of our system, about how I want to name my son Lance after a friend of ours who later learned he had DID, etc. All in all, there's too many parallels for my comfort. What if I've been living a lie? 

I hope and pray it isn't DID. I want to find another explanation. I have to. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of February, 2022, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Blinky, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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Congrats again on surviving school. I'm sure you'll do great 👍. Just keep supporting and motivating yourself. Try to shut out other's expectations as much as you can. They tend to be unhelpful at best. You know you. I felt the little imposter syndrome rant from earlier in my bones. I have no idea how to do this "life" thing either. Unfortunately you kind of have to curate your own life advice in many ways. Unless someone knows you personally very well most people are just going to have generic, pre-canned, Hallmark advice because that's what they were taught and want to help without knowing exactly how. Being your own life guide is probably going to be in the top 3 or 5 life skills as an adult. I guess trust yourself and your instincts. They're going to tend to be more helpful than other people, unless you can ask a specific question of a person skilled in a certain field. The more specific the question, the more specific the answer you can get. I hope that helps 🤗 

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