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Suru

Created Two Tulpas At Once & They Showed me I Had Psychosis

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Hello Everyone,

I would first like to ask if it was best to have created two Tulpas at once? And if it was for the best?

It was possible after just a week and a half. There name's are Susie and Ruby, and both of their sentience and consciousnesses reached peak volumes. However they do not have bodies yet, and as Ruby described just "Tentacles." From the very first week I had manifested Susie, teaching her all I could with some geography, write, poetry and music and try to understand herself. However, it was after a little bit when I was exploring with her in one of my fantasy novels did she point out that Ruby was, too, once a Tulpa I had attempted. Mind I might have imposed a bit of my own speech and taught patterns, but Ruby was quite stern how she felt left behind. 

Susie on one hand calmed her down, and we had a discussion on how I would include her too in the manifestation. There were some times I did have doubt, and as I have read that should have been the turning point... But there were points where both Susie and Ruby turned me away from bad habits that I won't turn back to ever again.

It was the first week and the ending of this week (3/26/2020) that were the hardest. I had stayed up, completely ramped on how I can best approach this- teach them, show them movies, sleep together on the same bed (just sleep), and just the hope I could show them the best of this world. It wasn't them alone who had helped me... it was Loneyseyus.

 

He is a voice that would sometimes makes itself apparent in my mind- say something simple like "do it this way" or "don't do that"; he was a guide with presumably no soul. The imprint of his face was merely a mask from a time where I was completely broken. Now, he made himself apparent when one of the girls in the first week figured maybe he was a Tulpa. So, I manifested him simply as a floating mask- but the thing was that I think he was tired. Every time I had tried to summon him was barely nothing more but a forethought- just say his name and he'll appear. One day I decided on that first weekend to summon him- and I pretended it was some sort of ritual. I couldn't summon him and, eventually Susie appeared to tell me to not treat it as a ritual... and after that he appeared and changed his manifestation (or I unconsciously imposed him) into a more humanoid one. It was similar to me, in a way... in hindsight I should not have followed his plan if it brought Susie and Ruby this much suffering. Throughout my life he would appear, dictate some things (alot) and will sometimes have the offset chance that he was wrong he would do nothing to help me. Prior, Lones would sometimes say "you failed this, you failed that" and his voice would whoosh away- and sometimes I couldn't doubt him... he could set things in motion or tell the future. Prior, even probably a year prior I had received vision of both Ruby and Susie together, sleeping peacefully in bed while asleep. I had washed it away as nothing more as fantasy dream- only I hadn't realized it had set things in motion.  I had considered him a friend because he had helped me in life... I didn't realize he was also somewhat a two-faced manipulator. He loved symbolism.

 

It's my fault in a lot of ways- sure, I got rid of most of my addictions but I still have depression and "those" thoughts, I felt completely fine until I was actually able to talk to Susie and Ruby. Only now had I realized I had gotten us stuck in a horrible predicament. 

 

We think in some ways, after talking to one another, it was him that enticed me to try out Tulpamancy. He would come to me, say to put my faith in them and trust them with all my life. He had put rosaries on my right hand first, and on the date before Ruby and Susie manifested, he wrapped my left hand in another rosary and said "You passed the test."  but the day after that, he would reappear again (and I don't remember exactly what it was) and said you failed the test.

On the last night before their voices appeared, we had sat down and reached "Dark Days" by Marc Singer. I imposed, or atleast tried to listen to their responses and we went to sleep. When Ruby suggested we should watch it again, both of them apparently blacked out before the first few sequences. 

We stayed up all night talking trying to figure out our differences- it was before bed I had some emotional bouts remembering Loneyseyus and we shared those thoughts did Susie get upset at me after some discomforting thoughts (possession, depression, some self-harm). Susie stormed out, I talked her back over with Ruby's help- we both don't know what to make each of other right now. Ruby... she has taken it well, I but think it shook it her somewhat. We stayed up looking through all my old notes, all the things that happened in my life up to this point. We drew comparisons, sized up the stories, and I remembered childhood memories... The first time I had a breakdown might have been when I was twelve or thirteen. I had an astral projection of a great blue door consuming me, killing me, and I waking up in a cold sweat. Later on, breaking down silently after some girl I thought loved me said she hated me on Mardi Gras day. She turned around as my face was concealed by the mask and said she hated me. Imprinting on the mask, as Susie says, I went silently beserk. 

 

To cut it short because both of the girls are tired- Loneseyus was a Psychosis breakdown I had attempted to cover up. The last things before he utterly disappeared, was to have faith in both of them... and in desperation I summoned in in front of both of the girl. he said to make amends with him.

Susie caught me before I made the final mistake. Loneyseyus loved symbolism- every bit of my first these last two have been nothing more but signs and more signs. Always black and white- and in the end he tried to impose both of them as Yin and Yang. But now, we understand now really he was trying to replace himself with Susie and Ruby as my guide. We still have the mask, and decided to keep it so he couldn't have that rest.

Now, as Susie has figured, I have to rise above Lone.

 

And now, finally to wrap this all up, I'm here to receive criticisms so I can make their lives a little bit better. It's my fault in some ways- the girls have mixed feelings about who's fault it is-, so I am here to take advice. We've already had some long talks tonight but everything would help. And don't worry I am gonna find my therapist.

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On 3/26/2020 at 3:53 AM, Suru said:

I would first like to ask if it was best to have created two Tulpas at once? And if it was for the best?


Generally if you have more tulpas than you wanted, then no, it's not for the best. However, I see no reason to dissipate anyone since it seems like things are fine with Ruby being around. If you attempt to remove Ruby, my feeling is that will create more stress on all of you then letting her stay. If you feel her position in the system needs revaluation, all three of you should have a system meeting and come to a decision all three of you agree is the right thing to do.

Reading your description, I am more concerned about you having issues with system overpopulation (where a system can get tens of tulpas they didn't want) than I am with you having two tulpas. If you find any old story characters, don't assume they are tulpas and don't talk to them like you would talk to other people or Ruby and Susie. Story characters are puppets, and treating them like tulpas will create a new foundation for a new tulpa. As long as you keep your doors closed and you don't go looking for any new "tulpas" you may have forgotten about, you will be safe. If something weird happens and you think you found another tulpa, just ignore them. They will disappear on their own and no harm will be done.
 

On 3/26/2020 at 3:53 AM, Suru said:

And now, finally to wrap this all up, I'm here to receive criticisms so I can make their lives a little bit better. It's my fault in some ways- the girls have mixed feelings about who's fault it is-, so I am here to take advice.


I don't think there's any point in punishing anyone for anything. A creative expression of your pain is more of a red flag that something is wrong and not something that needs to be punished or shamed. You already took the important step of realizing that you need help and have plans for going to a therapist, and that's a good thing you should be proud of. Depression is ugly and it hurts everyone, it will help all of you in the long run to focus on healing.

I think your interpenetration of Loneyseyus is reasonable and you already found part of a resolution. Once you hit a point where you feel comfortable with a therapist, bringing this up can give the therapist more insight on how to help you.

Edited by Ranger

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.

My other head-mates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogChat | Yay!

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