I hate my Host's boyfriend

[11mail]

I don't know much bout this website. My host is poly and her most recent addition to her relationship gets on my nerves. Him and I don't see eye to eye and have very different opinions on things already causing tenseness. Whenever anyone gets mildly upset because something he has said or done I feel my blood boil and decide to take over the situation... But then she gets angry at me for blowing up at him. I feel right for butting in but I don't like her getting angry at me for it. Any ideas on how to not get in so much trouble with her or how to calm by boiling feelings?

[Luminesce]

Tulpas and host/systemmates need to talk out and establish what boundaries if any the system should have. Personally, being able to "butt in" on your host's relationship sounds really invasive and unnecessary. If you've talked to your host about why you don't like him and she doesn't agree, it probably shouldn't really be your place to deal with him to begin with. Have you, though?

 

For basically all sorts of in-system conflict, talking things out between host and tulpa(s) is the answer, I dunno. I can't really give tips on how not to get mad.

[fennecfoxx]

One of my tulpas reacted similarly to my (now ex-)boyfriend. I chalked it up to my tulpa being jealous I was giving someone else more attention and repeatedly dismissed their concerns and chastised them for causing a fuss and trying to interfere with our relationship.

 

Fast-forward a bit, the relationship gradually turned sour, and we broke up after a few years. Reflecting on the relationship after it was over, I realized I'd overlooked a lot of red flags over the years. When I told my closest IRL friend we'd broken up, she confessed she'd had a bad feeling about him all along as well but hadn't said anything because she didn't want to upset me. (I don't fault her for that. My younger self wouldn't have listened.)

 

Without knowing more about this guy and the relationship, I can't tell you if you're in the right or if your feelings about him are unfounded. What I can tell you is that you two need to sit down and have a calm, civil, honest discussion about this. You getting angry will not help anything, nor will her trying to sweep your concerns under the rug. The pair of you need to have a heart-to-heart and determine together the best course of action regarding this relationship.

 

I wish you the best.

 

~ fennec