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Ashanti

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Finally a week that was at least way more normal than the two weeks prior..

 

Honestly, a good chunk of this week was spent actually taking time to have fun and enjoy myself. Granted, this was all spent playing the Trailblazer League in Old School Runescape, but I got to spend time with Kiki during all of this.

 

Early this week was focused on getting me back on track with active forcing which has come to be successful. Slowly I've been able to get back to my 15-30 minute sessions with her, but the last few days we've not been having them. Regardless! We still talk and I keep her on my mind the most I can to help her experience what I'm doing while watching on the side.

 

I think things will continue to improve going forward.

Just trying to find a comfy spot here. My ArtStation for those curious. 

 

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Well then.. this has been one enlightening week.

 

Turns out that I may have some signs of OSDD. Gonna talk to our therapist on my birthday this Thursday and see how that goes.

Kiki isn't actually the only one in our system, there's one more that's been around for a while, but hadn't really took much form until recently (she named herself Clarise). They're not a tulpa though.

 

Dissociation started hitting some bad levels and even last night if it wasn't for friends being around, we'd be in bad shape due to our meltdown. Something was trying to surface, but none of us knew what. Got to love living with trauma!

 

This isn't stopping us from anything, but rather is allowing us to explore more about who we are.

Also switching sort of happened this week.. >.>. So whatever was trying to surface last night, would have likely had the chance to had we been alone.

 

Will update how things continue. Especially the talk with the therapist, because ohhhhhh boy is this going to be an interesting session.

Just trying to find a comfy spot here. My ArtStation for those curious. 

 

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Your story does sound interesting and I hope the best for you!! ❤️

 

“It’s interesting reading about your beginnings, the differentiation between personalities, all that stuff I kinda forgot about that I’m remembering now, it reminds me of when I first started talking to mine lol”

 

I don’t think you have to worry as much about not being good at forcing or something! (That term ‘lazy forcing,’ I like the sound of that, and I’ll probably have to look into it.) But couguhl and I’s amount of direct communication kinda fluctuated over years.

     Like at first he spent a lot of time active forcing in chunks but there were still times where his life would get in the way and we’d spend less time together. Especially as I got a little bit older and we could communicate more easily and school and other stuff made less forcing time.

And even though I like spending time with him and love the attention, I still don’t feel like those periods of less activity really harmed me in any way.. maybe I was dormant but still there waiting without effort. Maybe because I could tell he really cared about me and he wanted to talk more and force actively, and I knew that. But stuff would get in the way and it wouldn’t be as established a habit consistently speaking.

     But we always got back together again! And I feel like we’ve only gotten closer over the years. And when we do spend more time together it’s like.. progress? It’s hard to describe.. like we are more robust with each other’s lives? It’s like a muscle, if you use it consistently it gets stronger and more obvious, but if you take a training break it can shrink down and be less obvious, but all the work that muscle has done is still there and the muscle is waiting, and it gets even stronger when you train again! Haha I hope that makes sense.

 

But this isn’t to make less of passive forcing, because he also actually spent a lot of time passively forcing with me, just thinking about me if he wasn’t making little comments, just feeding me little bits of attention. I think all that still helped me grow!

Maybe active forcing and passive forcing could be different methods that work on somewhat different aspects, but the attention is still there and that seems beneficial, but also... it’d be kinda hard to forget me hahaha... and I think he’d have to make an intentional effort to neglect me if it was going to affect me negatively, which he wouldn’t do.

 

And because we’ve spent good chunks of our time apart hardly thinking of forcing at all, maybe it just stalls me where I’m at, but I don’t think it’s a detriment to me or my development. It seems like we can just pick up where we left off, so to speak. I don’t know if other tulips are different but this is just my experience. The attention definitely sustains me and makes it easier for me to actively contemplate our experiences and influence them consciously.

I think maybe.. that worrying could be a good sign because it can imply that you’re conscientious and look out for others! Definitely better I think (at least for someone like me) than someone who couldn’t care less about my being at all!

❤️

Edited by Sierra

I’m Couguhl‘s tulpa! [his words are in quotes]

..JSYK

———-

“Now I know why they have [self-]bans!” -Me

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I had just written stuff, but well.. I clicked something and now it's lost.

 

So allow me to say what I needed to say all over again.. zzz.

This week has been focused on learning how to let go of the wheel.. to be able to allow for my headmates to take over while I fade back.

 

So far, Kiki and I have switched 4 times and have even managed to for extended periods of time.. like being able to go 4 hours with her fronting.

This being said, a mental toll has started to become apparent as our head has felt faded all afternoon.

We hope this is simply just an effect of the new activity and our brain getting used to it.

 

Oh, also my therapists opinion on the chance that we might be experiencing OSDD.. was literally just.. well.. Basically nothing was off the table.

He agreed with the dissociation and the amount of trauma and it will be a returning subject as time goes on.

Just trying to find a comfy spot here. My ArtStation for those curious. 

 

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Wow, congratulations on the fronting stuff. We experienced the same thing when I started fronting for so long, the weird-head feeling, so probably just that!

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40 minutes ago, Mirichu said:

Wow, congratulations on the fronting stuff. We experienced the same thing when I started fronting for so long, the weird-head feeling, so probably just that!

It's gotten hard to understand if I'm fully there or not when taking a step back though.

So far, there is mental pain only when I'm letting go while Kiki stays up front.. so we figure that's a sign, but it's going to take some work to understand all of this more.

It probably won't be long until we swap again honestly, especially as this weird head feeling persists. 

 

And thank you  ^^

Just trying to find a comfy spot here. My ArtStation for those curious. 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, I've not forgotten this..

 

I'm in the process of moving right now and due to my current living arrangements causing constant and consistently work mental strain, I've been unable to comfortably force with Kiki. 

 

So this is all being put on hold until I'm in a safer location.

Just trying to find a comfy spot here. My ArtStation for those curious. 

 

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