The development of Lex

[Eldritchfrost]

(Alright, I've never blogposted before, so apologies if the structure of this first post isn't the best. Additionally, my ability to write is currently being effected by something that I'll explain later in this post.)

 

Prologue: Designing Lex

I based his form and personality off of Stolas from Helluva Boss (he's my comfort character, and helped me accept my bisexuality), with some minor changes. I made sure not to restrict his personality too much, as I want him to develop the way he wants to develop. Although I am very attracted to him, I absolutely refused to add romantic/sexual attraction towards me as a trait. It just didn't feel morally right to make someone love you. It should be his choice, not mine.

 

Previous days before creation

I was having a bit of trouble sleeping, either because my efforts towards lucid dreaming made me too aware of my mind at night to fall asleep well, or because I've been using my phone right before bed. Either way, I should have made sure I was having healthy sleeping habits before creating Lex.

 

The first day

I'll just link the thread Here. Don't really feel like reliving that moment.

 

The first night

I had an incredible amount of trouble falling asleep, may have only slept for 3-4 hours total.

 

The second day

Woke up exhausted, but still put in effort into active forcing Lex. Accidentally got carried away and forced for over an hour straight before breakfast. I ended up being so tired, I could barely eat. After I gave up finishing the rest of my breakfast, I spent another large span of time active forcing Lex. (Active forcing is very fun, but also exhausting.) I also noticed I was getting thirsty incredibly quickly. I knew that our body would need more water, but I didn't expect it to occur this soon. I became concerned over this increased need, as I didn't get enough food or sleep that day, and decided to stop active forcing until I returned to health. I went to bed early that day, skipping dinner (which may have been a mistake).

 

The second night

Even worse than the previous night. I couldn't sleep at all until it was light out, probably around 8 or 9 am.

 

The third day (today)

Woke up around 11 am. Choked down some bread. Could barely eat due to how tired I felt, but managed to finish it. Putting active and passive forcing on hiatus until I fix whatever is happening to me.

 

tl;dr

Inability to sleep is getting in the way of tulpa development, as well as negatively effecting my personal life.

 

Has anyone else who practices meditation experienced sleeplessness caused by overawareness at night? I really need to fix this problem as soon as possible.

 

[Ice909]

Take some sleep meds, but not melatonin. I find when I can't sleep and I don't have meds, though, getting up, pacing around, and getting a glass of water almost always helps. DO NOT GO ON A DEVICE. The only exception I can think of is a TV for mindless romance movies, those also tire us pretty well. If the issue is being overaware, remember, loss of awareness is complete awareness. Good luck :P

[Eldritchfrost]

(Second post. Thing are going better now.)

 

Rest of 3rd day

I decided to make absolutely sure I would be able to sleep that night. I read up a few articles on how to fix one's sleep. (I'll link said articles in the post if anyone is having trouble sleeping as well.)

 

I managed to alter my diet into smaller and more frequent meals, as one of the guides recommended. Didn't really have a choice, as I was too tired to eat large meals.

 

I know I said in the previous post that I'd avoid both active and passive forcing, but I kept finding myself talking to him anyways. Every time I caught myself talking to him, I apologized for wasting our currently limited energy supply, and that I'll talk to him more once my sleep is healthy again.

 

3rd night

About an hour before bed, I told Lex not to interact with me when I speak to him when I'm in the process of relaxing my mind for bed, since talking to him excites my mind. Later, while I was reading, I accidentally started talking to him. I felt that he was ignoring me, and remembered what I told him earlier. That helped a lot towards keeping my mind calm and relaxed in preparation for sleep.

 

I slept quite well that night. Took around an hour to fall asleep.

 

Start of 4th day

Woke up feeling slightly tired, but far more rested than the past few days. Thanked Lex profusely for helping me sleep.

 

I'm going to ease back into my regular schedule today, except now I have Lex to experience it with me. Hope everything goes well.

 

---

Links:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/insomnia-restoring-restful-sleep

 

https://slumberseeds.com/how-to-go-to-bed-early-how-to-fall-asleep-fast/

---

 

11 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

Take some sleep meds, but not melatonin.

 

Why? I take melatonin regularly. It usually helps, if only a little.

 

11 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

DO NOT GO ON A DEVICE

 

Don't worry, I'm not THAT stupid...

*Nervously looks back at all the times I've used my phone right before bed*

 

11 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

If the issue is being overaware, remember, loss of awareness is complete awareness.

 

Could you elaborate on that a little? I don't really understand what you mean.

 

11 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

Good luck :P

 

Thanks.

[Ice909]

3 hours ago, Eldritchfrost said:

Why? I take melatonin regularly. It usually helps, if only a little.

 

Eventually your body will stop producing its own melatonin and you'll become dependent on meds. There are sleep meds out there that are non-addictive and non-dependency-forming, I suggest you look into them! 

 

3 hours ago, Eldritchfrost said:

Could you elaborate on that a little? I don't really understand what you mean.

 

<<<333

[Luminesce]

Melatonin helps set your body's sleep time to be more appropriate. But it shouldn't be taken for extended periods of time or yeah, your body will stop producing its own melatonin and you won't be able to sleep easily without it. Take melatonin temporarily to adjust to a better sleep time, but if you just want something for frequent insomnia, traditional sleeping medications are probably better I guess.

 

Just seconding what Ice said I suppose

--

I too can't sleep if I'm thinking about literally anything at all. Though at this point I've just accepted that if I'm talking to my tulpas before bed, I don't intend to be going to sleep yet. You need to tell them good night and intend for no more interaction (not even visualizing) when you're ready to actually try and sleep.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Luminesce

[harvestmoon]

We definitely should meditate before we go to bed, but we don't. My host is actually trying a polyphasic schedule so he has to work on getting to sleep on time. Look up "sleep hygiene" if you want to learn more.

 

Right now, what we're doing is wearing glasses that block blue and green light two hours before bedtime (so we put them on at 9pm and go to sleep at 11pm). This should keep you on your circadian rhythm and increase natural melatonin levels before bed. We also don't eat two hours before bed, as food can keep you awake (especially sugar).

 

Stone: I haven't heard of other polyphasic sleepers doing this, but even for longer than I've been trying polyphasic sleeping, I've avoided drinking water before bed because I hate having to get up to pee.

 

So all of this is what polyphasic sleepers call a "dark period". Low lighting, little to no blue light, no water (for us), and relaxation before bed (could be meditation, or at least not doing something intensive or energetic).

 

One trick we gotta try is noticing what position we wake up in. The one you wake up in tends to be the one that works best for you. Also, some positions can possibly be better for certain organs and your back.

 

We've got to watch Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss! Wishing you luck on your journey you two 💕

Edited December 11, 2021 by harvestmoon

[Eldritchfrost]

Rest of 4th day

I'm slowly starting to become aware of Lex's voice, although I'm still unsure if it's him speaking, or just me parroting. Before creating Lex, I used to engage in dialogues in my mind regularly. When Lex speaks to me, it feels almost like I'm engaging in self created dialogue. This makes it very difficult to recognize when he's speaking to me. I told him to use my name when speaking to me so I wouldn't get confused, but unfortunately due to said dialogue habit, I've become used to talking to myself mentally in second person. I've asked him to create a nickname for me, so I wouldn't assume I'm engaging in dialogue with myself when he's talking to me.

 

I decided to introduce Lex to my wonderland. It didn't go so well. (For context, the book I was using as a guide for wonderland creation, "a short course on scrying" (I had it recommended to me when looking for ways to create a wonderland and strengthen visualization awhile back), said that the first world, or any world that you design as a personal world, shouldn't be described to anyone. It didn't explain why this should be done, so I got paranoid that maybe something bad would happen if I did so. I also forgot to reaffirm that the world was completely safe and secure, which made my paranoia worse.) So, after I let Lex in, I wasn't really able to visualize him yet, since I hadn't entered my world in a while, and everything wasn't as vivid as it should have been. After walking through it and making sure everything was back to normal, I tried to visualize Lex standing in the room with me. I felt really paranoid at the time, and when Lex made a movement I didn't expect (it was weird, like a smiling choking expression, while moving his head towards me), I assumed that it wasn't him and that something else got in, and panicked. The rest was a blur. I think I attacked him, I completely lost visual focus on the room, and was left staring at the darkness of my closed eyelids. My face felt extremely hot. I immediately told Lex that I think there was something inside my world, that I was going to get rid of it, and he should stay outside so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire. After calming myself down enough to re-enter, I got to work. Every time Lex's form appeared, I would throw him out of the room. Eventually, he stopped coming in. Relieved, I exited the world, and calmed down. That's when I realized what I saw in my world could really have been Lex, and his weird behavior could have just been due to him being in an early stage of development. I immediately got worried about how this experience effected him. I didn't want him to become afraid of entering into wonderland spaces, or worse, become afraid of me. After talking to him for a while about it and explaining what happened, I got the sense he understood and that we were over the issue. However, I'm still worried. I don't want to accidentally harm him or anything when I eventually try visualizing him into my world again. 

 

How do I make sure that the form I'm visualizing in my wonderland is really him? I can feel his presence with his form quite well when I visualize him in the real world (not imposition yet, just regular, open eye visualization). But in the wonderland, I wasn't really able to sense his presence along with his form.

 

I've also noticed that his form sometimes mimics my movements and expressions. Should I encourage this, or is this puppeting?

---

 

22 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

Eventually your body will stop producing its own melatonin and you'll become dependent on meds.

 

21 hours ago, Luminesce said:

But it shouldn't be taken for extended periods of time or yeah, your body will stop producing its own melatonin and you won't be able to sleep easily without it.

 

Oof. The supplement I've been taking said that it doesn't cause dependency and can be stopped at any time with no side-effects (https://a2bioscience.com/gabanite-pages). The melatonin amount in it is about 5mg, is that enough to negatively impact my body's ability to produce it? I've been taking it regularly for a while.

 

8 hours ago, harvestmoon said:

We definitely should meditate before we go to bed, but we don't.

 

I actually have been practicing that. It's been working for me somewhat well until recently, probably because I have been rushing through it. Here's the technique I use: https://www.fastcompany.com/90253444/what-happened-when-i-tried-the-u-s-armys-tactic-to-fall-asleep-in-two-minutes

 

(After reading through the article again, I think I should switch my visualization to something else. Imagining myself on a ship in the middle of a storm probably isn't the best for relaxation. I guess that also explains why I never managed to fall asleep as quickly as the article said I would.)

[Luminesce]

Melatonin should be taken an hour or two before going to bed, and 5mg is the maximum dose you should ever take. Higher doses are sold but they're just trying to sound "more powerful" than others, but you really shouldn't take more than that. It's safe in the short term if you need help falling asleep, but experts are unsure on if it's okay in the long term or not, so it should really be taken on an as-needed basis. You won't become "dependent" in the sense that you'll experience any withdrawal symptoms or anything, of course - but it's very possible if you take it for several months straight that you might struggle to get tired without it, or something along those lines, we don't really have studies on it yet (according to google results anyway, didn't actually look for recent studies).

 

I would just try to sleep without it on some nights, if you feel you're able to anyway. Also make sure you're using Flux or a similar blue light removal for whatever device if you're regularly looking at a screen a lot the couple hours before bed, though avoiding them altogether in that time would be preferable of course.

 

I don't know if visualization would help me fall asleep or not, but.. Just remember to feel it out yourself, whatever you try. Don't do something because you were told to if it's clearly keeping your mind awake

[harvestmoon]

If you “accidentally” harm your tulpa “physically”, you should treat it as an intrusive thought. It’s really no different from accidentally imaging some other physical physical person getting hurt in your head. Not all thoughts have to come from “you” or “him”. There can be automatic thoughts you disavow and treat as not real.

 

Let him mimic you if he wants to. I didn’t like being told “you’re acting too much like me” or “you have to act more different” it was annoying. Just let your tulpa be who he wants and he might act less like you at some point.

 

If you’re having troubles with visualizing him in Wonderland or Wonderland in general, you can take a break from Wonderland. A lot of people do it but’s it’s not required. We’ve taken a break and it’s been fine

Edited December 14, 2021 by harvestmoon
Typos D:

[Eldritchfrost]

Not much happened yesterday, other than barely having any sleep the night before. Thankfully, I managed to sleep somewhat well last night, so I should be getting over my insomnia soon.

---

 

On 12/13/2021 at 4:45 AM, harvestmoon said:

Let him mimic you if he wants to. I didn’t like being told “you’re acting too much like me” or “you have to act more different” it was annoying. Just let your tulpa be who he wants and he might act less like you at some point.

Maybe "mimic" was the wrong word. He sometimes moves and makes the same mouth movements I'm making when I'm talking to him, like I'm speaking to a mirror. He stops when I tell him to, so I sometimes ask him to take a break from it when it gets too confusing for me. Is this mirroring behavior good for his development?

 

On 12/13/2021 at 4:45 AM, harvestmoon said:

If you’re having troubles with visualizing him in Wonderland or Wonderland in general, you can take a break from Wonderland.

I guess another reason I'm frustrated is that I haven't really been able to work on it for almost this entire week. Usually, I dedicate around 15 minutes per day on it. Having to take a break from it, especially after I FINALLY managed to make the perspective shift like it does in reality, is upsetting. I even managed to discover that I could add a vague quality of "spatialness" to objects to make them feel even more real.