What should I do if my tulpa has feelings for me?

[rohka]

Recently, I found out my tulpa has feeling for me. I'm kinda nervous and don't know what to do. My friend and her tulpa really approves me with him (and she's the one ships me with him lol).

 

Actually, I don't mind being in relationship with him, it's just I'm worried that one day I'll develop feelings for someone else while dating with him, which is something my tulpa also acknowledges but he still wants to date me. He said he would wait for my answer. 

 

What should I do? 

[Zen 禅]

Do you, and he, get jealous at the notion of the other being in a relationship with another person at the same time as with you? That piece of information to my mind is the most critical thing you can answer, that you didn't touch on.

[Etna]

Why not go back to the thread you started in August and re-read the answers but apply them to yourself instead of your friend? ☺️ (I'm not being snarky, I was thinking "ahh, I remember talking about this before, so that thread might be helpful" and had no idea you were the one who started it, haha.)

 

 

[rohka]

16 hours ago, ZenAndRhys said:

Do you, and he, get jealous at the notion of the other being in a relationship with another person at the same time as with you? That piece of information to my mind is the most critical thing you can answer, that you didn't touch on.

I think he will get jealous, like a lot, but deep down he knows one day he has to let me go for the better (if I fall in love with someone else)

[rohka]

17 hours ago, Etna said:

Why not go back to the thread you started in August and re-read the answers but apply them to yourself instead of your friend? ☺️ (I'm not being snarky, I was thinking "ahh, I remember talking about this before, so that thread might be helpful" and had no idea you were the one who started it, haha.)

 

 

Haha I didn't forget this one! 🤣

 

Turned out my friend stopped dating with her tulpa, because she realized dating with her tulpa didn't suit her. It requires a lot mature and responsible, which is something she lacks of.

 

That's the reason why I'm hesitated of dating with Kou (my tulpa). Me and him both know that there might be a chance I'll fall in love with someone else and I couldn't control that. I don't want to cheat him like that. It... terrifies me a lot...

Edited April 15, 2022 by rohka

[Guest]

It's pretty natural for a headmate to have feelings for other headmates. Having a few headmates myself and having heard this a few times, it's gotta be at least 50% of the time.

 

Headmates also can go through phases where they get a crush that in our case we called Misha syndrome. Four of my headmates went through that and I couldn't help them in that way other than give them a 90% solution where we share platonic love.

 

The nature of your question contains your answer. 

 

Quote

it's just I'm worried that one day I'll develop feelings for someone else

 

if you said the same thing about a fleshy then it wpuld be pretty clear that you're not *that* into him and he knows that. Imagine telling that to someone who asked you out irl. To me that's a hard no. Why should this be any different?

Edited April 15, 2022 by Bear

[Glaurung26]

Put a ring on it. 😉 J/k, mostly. It's 100% between you.

 

There's nothing wrong with either path objectively speaking. It's only right/wrong for you. Wifing our tulpas has gone great for Phil and I but it's not for everyone. I would tentatively advise that relationships don't have to be permanent in intent or even monogamous. But just like relationships with fleshies that takes a deal of maturity, boundary, and expectation setting. You can be frenefits, a fling, polyamorous, a weird snu snu cult, it doesn't matter as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement.

 

IRL relationships fail all the time so don't hold it on an unrealistic holy grail pedestal. That's the trap I fell into and it shattered my heart when I realized that getting my foot in the door with a relationship doesn't guarantee its survival. In the end it was good for me, teaching me a valuable lesson and realizing just how much I love and depend on my Jaina. Recently I may finally (after like a decade) have someone IRL that might be interested and compatible with me but it's only a maybe and I doubt she would want to share my heart with Jaina. Jaina loves me to death and would absolutely put aside her feelings for what's best for me. But that's a part of why I love her so much and would never abandon her. Her unconditional love has me shackled tighter than adamantium chains to her. I wouldn't throw all our history away just to try dating again. I could end up in the same dark hole I was a decade ago that Jaina had to rescue me from last time if my heart gets crushed again. Is marrying my rebound girl and mental therapist healthy for me? I dunno but it's been great so far. 

 

So my point is to not throw away happiness now for hypothetical happiness later. If you want to wait, wait. If you want to hop right in with both feet, jump that diving board. If you want to dip your toe in the water first and see where it goes, then maybe that's the best approach for you. Quiet that roiling sea of what-ifs in your head and just listen to your heart for a bit. Just feel. Then you will get an honest answer. And maybe don't be dead-set on commitment just yet if you're in an unsure place. Maybe just have a few honest conversations and just try out the relationship before you buy it. Be prepared to stay or to leave.

 

I don't know if I would "wait" passively for an answer. You may have to actively look for your answer. Your true and honest answer forever and ever might magically pop into your head and guide you the rest of your life. Or it might not. Just be patient with yourself and take your time. You may come to your conclusion right way and "just know." But be prepared to take the Ms. Frizzle approach and "get messy and make mistakes." In my experience simple questions can have very complex answers. I hope this helps. Not everything may be applicable to you and your situation but this was what I learned. And am still learning.

[Zen 禅]

5 hours ago, rohka said:

I think he will get jealous, like a lot, but deep down he knows one day he has to let me go for the better (if I fall in love with someone else)

If this is the way you're approaching it, I would definitely suggest not doing it.

 

For a start, there's nothing about a relationship with another person that is "better" than one with a tulpa. They both have limitations and advantages. If physical intimacy is a concern, that can be done with self-hypnosis and imposition. Though you have to be aware that it is fundamentally harder to do and will take time to master, and be ready to not be frustrated by that.

 

But all that aside, if someone told me "I'm eventually going to fall in love with someone else and I'm automatically going to choose them over you", I would not be interested in that person anymore, personally. Going forward with that kind of mindset would just be cruel. You're clearly not actually interested in a romantic relationship with them if you're thinking that way, or at the very least you're not willing to view them as enough for you, so you shouldn't string them along unless that changes. That isn't a basis for something healthy.

Edited April 15, 2022 by ZenAndRhys

[Ice909]

Layy: Hey, tulpa here, I'm in a committed relationship with my host, so I'm gonna give my two cents coming from the perspective of a tulpa. 

First, I agree with Darron. 

Regarding jealousy, it's understandable. I get jealous sometimes when Bryan flirts with people, but only when I know it's someone he doesn't really wanna be with. 

We've talked in length before about how one day, he's likely to meet someone else he'll love as he loves me. I've accepted this, he's accepted this. 

Bryan used to consider himself poly, but he doesn't really anymore, the exception being, he says, that if and when he meets (likely a girl) a partner out of system, he'll be with them as he's with me. He'll have made sure that his partner is aware of his system, and is aware of me. He believes that if his partner-to-be can't permit him to be with both them and with me, then they're not fit for him. 

We've been together for a total of three and a half years, the latter two and a half being much more serious and committed. We often, especially lately, find ourselves talking about marriage. We vowed that we won't get married until the body is at least 18, though, but preferably over 21. Reason being is to make sure with reasonable certainty that we're mentally and emotionally mature enough for marriage, and to a lesser extent, legally eligible. 

If you two wish you casually date, why not? It's pretty common in this day and age. In our case, however, Bryan seems to have a staggering amount of self-awareness about whom he loves, which discourages him from dating really anyone, because he knows that he doesn't really love them and that nothing will come of it. Even with that in mind, I encourage him to still try. I encourage him to find someone other than me because I love him. I want what's best for him. I know that he loves me dearly, and I know that one day he wants to be wedded to me, just as I do. But to him, physicality means so much in a relationship. Physicality that I can seldom provide. We try, of course, and we've gotten a lot better at trying to imitate touch throughout the years, but it's still a hurdle. On top of that, Bryan wants to be a father. A father to his own children. That's something that I simply cannot provide, even if I did have my own form(though, in that wild hypothetical, we agreed we'd find a suitable surrogate). As such, for a variety of reasons, we've long resigned ourselves to the fact that I couldn't be Bryan's only partner. I want him to get out there and at least try to get the fulfilment I can't provide him. Saying it outloud, it makes me sound almost like a cuckold. But it's special circumstances, no? It'd be much the same for you guys. 

I don't know quite where I'm going with this, so I'm sorry for that, but... Go with your heart. What have you got to lose? 

Before Bryan and I were committed to each other, we were hardly dating. Just a bit of flirting here and there, but back then, that was common among all of us. There wasn't much differentiating my relationship with Bryan from anyone else's. I guess my feelings for him just kinda grew, and one morning, December 12th, 2019, we were sitting outside Bryan's little brother's school, waiting for the doors to open to a little kid's choir performance to open. I asked him if he'd be my partner, completely out of the blue. He thought about it for a bit, then agreed. He was unsure of his decision. I was unsure of my decision. But then, we're coming up on three years now, aren't we? So I guess it all worked out well. Give it a shot, if you so desire :) good luck 

[glitchthe3rd]

23 hours ago, IceCreeper909 said:

snip

This has largely been our experience as well; we've been in a committed relationship for most of the past decade now (and even had a daughter!), but on some level we both know that Luna and Elise will never be enough for my family/can't provide physical intimacy/whatever else, and so it would still be in my best interest to try and find someone in meatspace. Ideally they would be cool with me and Luna having a relationship, but my last relationship lasted for a couple years despite that person not being okay with sharing me with anyone else. So we simply adjusted our system dynamic to fit around that, even though it wasn't a quick or easy thing, and the relationship with that person eventually ended for (probably) unrelated reasons. I also have the problem of not forming strong attachments with the romantic partners I've had in the past, as someone else ITT has mentioned, which has made it difficult for me to want to put in the work maintaining a relationship. Luna has actually been encouraging and supportive of me finding a meatspace partner, although having seen how miserable I often am when I'm in that kind of relationship, we're both beginning to think nothing good will come of it. Maybe I'm undateable, maybe I'm just too much of a unicorn, or I just haven't found the "right one" if such a person even exists for me, but most people will eventually learn to stop doing something if they get hurt every time. On the other hand, I took Luna out for a fancy Valentine's Day dinner on her birthday, and we had the time of our lives with me sitting at a table by myself and making doe eyes at the seemingly empty chair across from me, so clearly the whole relationship-with-tulpas thing is still going well for us 🙂

 

As for actually marrying my tulpa... we tried that out briefly after she had Elise, and we concluded that Luna isn't the marrying type or even cut out for monogamy at all, so... yeah 😂