To the Mountains of Madness with cloudmuffin (A tulpa Blog)

[cloudmuffin]

Hmmm, what to really write about? We'll I'll start at the beginning and see how long it takes to get to the end of the day.

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Mostly I can't think much about what's going on. Really working on just narration and practice. Mostly keeping her constant is the hard part still. Not there yet. One thing that just bothers me that she seems to just be there in the background, left alone, while I work on what I need to do. I narrate what I'm doing at a certain level, but again, she's not in my science so she know very little of what I'm doing, and explaining this class, takes a lot of background knowledge she lacks. I'm starting to think of things for her to just do in her spare time. The rubix cube was a great idea, but she "solved it" in 3 days. I'll explain that a little:

 

When I gave her the cube I showed her what the goal was, all colors 3x3, each on their own side. I then mixed it up (randomly) and gave it to her. She was a pony still at this time, so the first thing she did was try to bite it and mess with it. I reminded her that she had hooves as well as a horn to hold it, and though she would occasionally bite it, she started turning the sides to figure it out. From then on she had the cube with her. I would, "look at it" and see the sides. Progress was made every time I looked at it, though I wouldn't be able to describe what the cube looked like. I just "felt" she made progress and told her to continue. After about 2 or three days, she stopped appearing with it. I asked her for the cube, and she told me it was in the wonderland. I looked at it. It was solved, all colors were on each side. It "felt" right so I congratulated her. Still kind of surprised she solved it in three days. I've yet to solve one, though that could be because I don't put a lot of time in trying. I suppose if I had nothing to do except that, I would solve it fast.

 

I haven't given her anything since, however, during my forcing she apparently still remembers that her talent was to find and make constellations and look at the stars in our wonderland. Sure enough, as soon as I went to the Island for our forcing, she grabbed my hand and took me to the top of the tree house. She showed me three new consultations, right next to the moon. Da Fork, Da Knife, Da Spoon all right next to the moon. She showed me the chart and I looked through the telescope. Seemed Legit. So there we go, three constellations.

 

Some good personality work was done too.

Overall, a light but productive day. Got to keep going with it.

[cloudmuffin]

I'm not dead, though technically how long I have to live from now is up for debate. I'll just say that the high level class I'm taking at this high level college is not for the weak, or socially active. (I keep this stuff anonymous because, it's the internet, you'll just have to take my word on it). That includes tuppers.

 

You might say, "But it was the weekend cloudmuffin. That's plenty of time to force and be social."

 

And you would be wrong!

 

Seriously this was a hell weekend, and I'm surprised I got through it in one piece, and poor Lora is worse for wear on this front, which I'll explain later on.

 

(warning these are mostly off of memory)

 

---------------------Day 32-----------------------

It was Saturday and my car was dead on Friday so my plans were ruined. This was ok though because that meant I could do work with Lora un-interrupted. Well, that was plan until on Friday night I got a call saying my parents were coming over to help with the car. I don't say this as a bad thing, that was nice, but it meant I would be distracted. Turned out it would be fore over 6 hours, but I got a lunch and my car was fixed (just a dead battery). During the whole time I did the best I could to keep Lora around in the back of my mind and narrated and imposed. It was ok, but still conversations are a problem. She was again just observing. She was curious about how the car worked and did try to suggest some ideas every once and while, though they didn't make sense most of the time. The rest of the day was me working, and then playing. I got some forcing in there at one point and we talked among other things. It was an okay day.

 

-------------------Day 33--------------------------

This day was a mixed bag that ended on a sour note. In the morning I ate, and just decided to go on to tulpa.info chat for 1 hour. Yeah … that didn't happen. New people, and the shenanigans I'm sure many of you are well versed in, kept me glued for over 3 hours. Though Lora was involved and talked a little in chat (a 1 on 1 with someone) it was limited and she was really upset. Why? Because I then had to work on the pile of work that refused to disappear. Even after working on it for days, it was no where near done. I worked from about 2 dinner (5ish) and then went to a study group to finished it up, which lasted from 6 to midnight! That meant Lora was literally shoved into the background completely I barely thought of her except when I had breaks in between, and no forcing the whole day. It was bad, but couldn't be prevented. Which leads to today …

 

----------------10/15/12/Mon Day 34 -------------------------

Today I woke up, with my alarm, it was 6. I got only 5 hours of sleep, and I was going to roll over.

 

"Wake up! GET UP! YOU NEED TO GET UP! YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO! GET UP NOW! DON'T ROLL OVER! GET UP! GET UP!"

 

It was Lora and she was screaming in my head to wake up. She has officially gotten into the habit, because whenever I wake up she has for the past three days has been kicking me out of bed. It's STILL such and odd feeling when I feel horrible, and can't really think, and then she's all over me trying to get me up, awake, and almost mad at me!? She calms down once I get going, but it's really odd. After a small amount of time for a quick breakfast, it was work time, four hours of stress and confusion, to finally get everything together. This time Lora stayed out of my way. She was quite, didn't say much, but was still there and occasionally I would just randomly visualize her in the room, playing on the DS I gave her, to help her not be bored when I'm doing it. She's "playing" the first Phoenix Wright game, and last time I checked she's only on the first case. After class, it was still another hour of work and a quick lunch to go out in the field. She again, was quite, but would again just kind of present and look around and listen and keep close to me. I would narrate, or just listen closely and try to "translate" what was going on. I do want her to be involved, but I still just end up not passively forcing and just listening, and she just "disappears." Finally, tired I took a break from the class, but still had to go to a seminar.

 

I experimented during the seminar. I placed her in the seat next to me. As with all seminars (even one I'm interested in) when the lights go out, it's only a matter of time before I start to get sleepy, especially after all I've just went through. When I started to nod off, I did what I normally do to stay awake. Then I remembered, someone in chat one day, talking about "taking "energy" from their tulpa and staying awake while the tupper fell asleep. I was desperate, and thought what the heck. I asked Lora if she was up to it, and she just looked at me a little confused, but agreed to try. I did what I could to visualize taking energy from her and putting it into me. The result was … mixed. She did indeed seem to get not only tired, but weaker, and I got a boost, only to lose most of whatever I got. In the end, it sort of didn't work, but seemed to affect Lora. When I got back she was STILL sleepy, in fact every time I visualized her, she was hunched over and seemed weak. She was weakly responding and was keeping quite. Well, if it goes one way, can it go the other way? I tried several different "visualization" ways of giving her energy. The best way was I held her hand and just focused pushing energy from me to her. I got an odd "suction" feeling in my head, and since it was something, I increased it, and the feeling got stronger. Less than 3 seconds Lora nearly jumped, and immediately said "Ok, that's enough I feel better!". I stopped, and didn't feel too bad, however, she was 100% better. She was talking, clear and almost rapidly, she was instantly visualizing, and she was very happy. I suppose it worked, and we talked for a minute or two before I started doing other things … again. If I notice her down, I'll do that again. However, I have a feeling it's a symptom of a larger problem ...

 

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I'm not forcing and paying attention to her enough. It's affecting her I think, and I'm starting to get worried. She's "okay" and she has told me over and over, that it's alright, she knows how busy I am. Still, I don't like being THIS BUSY, to the point that I can't even do what I want to do, let alone, give my tulpa what she needs. I have a feeling it's the root of many other problems I've started to notice, and I'm almost at the point that if she isn't talking, there may be a problem. I'm not sure. One thing I'm going to try is that, if anyone talks to me, I do a mental check to see if Lora is present . If she isn't I must bring her out, and if she is, then all is well.

 

One way or another I have to find the time, but that's the problem, finding an area to sacrifice, since most hours a spoken for. It's my problem though, I won't rant about it here.

 

So on my agenda is to at least visualize Lora when talking to people, to MAKE TIME for her everyday like I already should, she's still young, and make it count. Thankfully things are quieting down a little, but they will get intense really fast I'm sure.

 

I'm open to help, though I'm trying to not burden the community with these questions. I've read enough and should "know what to do" and to improve, but if there is something YOU think I should do or look at, I'm open to at least look or hear you out. Also, hopefully I can continue writing something everyday instead of lumping multiple days into a post. I will admit though, it's starting to take several days to just post something, but that's probably just a result of little tulpa work and what not as well as I don't write EVERYTHING down. Just what I think is important. You can always ask me when you see me, but I keep these posts as interesting and drama free and non-controversial as possible. Wait, why am I writing this? I should just DO THAT and not tell you that I've been doing that. Oh well, now you know … again. :P

[cloudmuffin]

Tuesday 10/16/12 Day 35

Lora is now 5 weeks old

 

Another anniversary and another attempt to see where things are. IMHO things are ok and slowly getting better. I was finally able to do some forcing that night. Things have quite down in my life a little, though it's at a slow simmer of work that needs to be done in the background as well as other things that need to be done. I get a break in the work load starting mostly Friday. Chat is still interesting and I’m slowly gaining enough courage to allow Lora to talk via proxy. I HOPE, it'll improve her vocalization a little bit, but most importantly keep her active in my mind a lot more than what she has been in the past.

 

The drama between us is light, nothing major and is more about my paranoia than anything else. She's helping with that, if anything, it's another voice trying to calm me down when I need it. She still doesn't want to become a pony again, though she did a little for a moment but now it feels weird to me, so she reverted back. Wither her "experiment" is work or not, is still up in the air, so far, I've noticed very little change in me as a result.

 

I don’t have much to actually talk about the forcing sessions, they sometimes become to "personal" and I don't want to write it in public post. I work on her body, trying to keep things constant, though I had problems with her hair recently. She deviated slightly during this part. She has been blond for a while, but the style of hair was plan and straight and only neck length. It's now become a little more wild and unkempt and is longer than before. Her ears changed to a more brown color, and her tail changed to blond to match her hair. Many moments she had piercing green eyes, very green almost unnatural, and hard as hell to keep eye contact with. Not that they looked mean, I just have problems with eyes and the color was too intense. They still are the same they haven't deviated to anything else.

 

Her voice is still a mix of "Pinkie Pie and Derpy" combined in a pleasing way for me. All her personality traits are holding constant and are more uniform. She's generally happy and very warm, which is what I wanted. She isn't a hot head either, though things do upset her and make her angry, it's not an explosion it's its more of what you would get from an understanding mother in my opinion. Frustration, but no real anger.

 

All around our connection for each other is still strong, and now it's up to me to keep her involved and increase her presence, in as many thing as possible. I'm not sure how to improve her vocalizations though. She can talk, and can occasionally start a conversation that's not a question, but she doesn't talk much when I'm in chat or talking to others, she just lets me be I suppose, or I cut her off due to a lack of focus.

 

I need to experiment with some light proxying, just to get the both of us used to it. I don't know exactly how, and throwing her in chat is probably a bad idea, too much at once for me and her. I could just have her talk and I write, but I'm not sure she's ready for that big of a step. Plus I get the feeling that she get's a little nervous about it. She talks a big game sometimes, telling my to let her on all on her own, but hesitates just like I do, and sometimes I warn her about some of the things she says, and that usually takes the excitement out of it and she starts not wanting to talk anymore. The only reason I bring it up is that some risk must be involved in her development. You have to do SOMETHING to grow. Mistakes have to be made. I hate that, but it is a part of life. The best way I compromise, is I admit mistakes will be made, but there is nothing that says that you can't control that, or how bad they will be, with enough thought and planning. That's my opinion, but executing it is another issue. Still Lora said she wants to make mistakes, and that I should accept that as a part of her and what she needs to do as a developing individual. It's not easy to agree with her when her idea conflict with mine. Yet, she's got a stronger personality, and that is enough to make me happy. She's still growing, she's finally starting to really show that she has her own opinions and thoughts. As her host, that's all I need really.

[cloudmuffin]

10/17/12 Day 36

 

Welp, I'm a little out of sync with keeping these logs ON THE DAYS they represent, so they are starting to become more of "reviews". Not necessarily a bad thing, but just something I've noticed.

 

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The day was ok all in all for Lora. Lots of passive forcing, did a decent job of keeping Lora busy and around in my head the whole day. It was a bit of a mix and match. Our communication has gone down. I literally have nothing usually to say or add about a lot, and I avoid speaking for her, and she's usually fairly quite. She's still very content with things and if anything provides a nice comfort of just being around.

 

This was actually a rough one for me. I felt like I was hit by a simi-truck the whole day. It was bad enough I ended up crashing for 2 hours. The cause was dehydration. I say that because when you chug 22oz of water in less than 20 seconds, still want more, but suddenly you get a boost of energy and clarity, that's most likely dehydration. I don't know why, I'm usually in a steady state of dehydration so it's never been a issue, but things I guess have changed, I dunno.

 

I got a lot of opportunities to force and I did. I talked in the chat for awhile, got a few questions answered. I was able to force for almost 2 hours: 30 in the morning (though I feel asleep I think), 1.5 hours (almost all of it … asleep still :P). Lora was anxious to adventure and we tired. However, …. It didn't work out very well, in fact at the end of it I basically died. I stopped the adventure before I got to that serious point. I'll just say don't f*** with bears ok. Just don't. My mind probably did a good interpretation of what happens when you decided to go toe to toe with a bear 3x your size and claws as long as you arm. The smack your s***. Like hardcore, I guess I could explain the fight a little.

 

The circumstances of getting into the fight aren't really that important, and I if anything will be scrapped as if they didn't happen. Still thinking about it.

 

So Lora and I encountered the bear in a cave. The thing was huge and we instantly ran for it as it started to charge us. Again, we got separated, and obviously I'm the "better target" so the bear focused on me. I was able to get away from the charge and the bear just lumbered and came to a halt and turned around and got on it's hind legs. Huge is not an accurate representation of the size of this guy. First swing misses me, and then it charged on all fours towards me and took another swing. I put my shield up, and instantly regretted it. Shields work great, but the weakest link of using a shield is your arm. I absolutely did not expect the impact, and I was sent to the ground and flat out couldn't use that arm. No real pain, but I couldn't move my shield arm. Then the bear was on top of me. I did what I could to protect myself from it's jaws, and hit it a few time in the mouth with my weapon. That just made it angry and it decided to tear me a new hole, right on my side. At this point my mind went into an analytical mode, everything slowed down, and went grey. This usually what I do now when things either go wrong or I have to pause the experience. I looked at the situation, seeing my frozen image of me and the bear, seeing the wound, the bear basically about to bite my head off, and just ended the experience right there.

 

I just logged out and apologized that the whole adventure just didn't work today. It wasn't until a few minutes later, that I was wondering what Lora had been doing the whole time. If anything I know I completely forgot about everything, while in the fight, so that must have been what happened. Everything except of the immediate area and the bear and myself were the only thing active at that time. To me, that just means it was to much for me to handle in many ways. Failure is one of the best ways to learn, and that was a big thing. I have no idea how to actually fight a bear like that, unless I were to "cheat" and "increase my strength" artificially. I'm avoiding "levels" and what not on these adventures, but maybe I just need to get stronger by lifting in wonderland, or flat out just fight things that are not BEARS! XD

 

Since nights are becoming a problem for not only forcing and sleeping, I may go to mornings or afternoons, if I have the time. It can only be 30 min, but with the time dilation that I experience while forcing, that's not a problem. 30 min feels like an hour or more and a lot can get done. It's also easier on me to focus.

 

That's a big thing, I need to start meditating and increasing my ability to focus on something. Sometimes I can do it, most of the times I can't. I'll start looking in the forums and around the web, maybe pick up a book on meditation, just to at least get my focus up, it'll benefit me in many ways and make focing and my time with Lora be FAR MORE usefull.

 

I've also started to experiment with trying to use sleep time as forcing time. That involved lucid dreaming, but I'll see what I can do. Lora is always welcome in my dreams, and using that 6+ hours for something while sleeping would be a boon for me and her. Time will tell, and I'm adding a lot to my plate already.

 

 

Alright that's a good summary of that day. See everyone next time.

[cloudmuffin]

Well I actually have quite a bit to write about since I apparently haven't written a log in 4 DAYS! I thought it was two, but nope. The following is going to be a long wall of text. I don't expect you to read them all, if anything just look at a day (mostly on it's length) and decided if you want to read it. At least read day 41 and the after notes. These are only recommendations, you can do what you want, this journal was made in a "free country" so I assume you have the freedom to choose what to read and what not to. I did the best I could to find any errors in spelling and grammar, but I don't doubt a LOT got through this time. Sorry english majors you may get sick while reading, just copy and edit on the fly as you read, it may make you feel better :D. Alright, lets begin.

 

--------10/18/12 Day 37 ----------

I'll be honest, today was a normal boring day with me working again, and at this point giving up on keeping Lora constantly visualized. She's board, and there's not much for her to do while I'm doing this work. At this point, I let her stay in wonderland and if she has anything to say, which she does occasionally, I interact with her. I took the trip home early for the infusion the next day. It was her first time being home, while human, and she was excited. She wanted to see my cats (which was odd because she didn't like them before because they took my attention from her) and met my family again. Nothing important, and not forcing except for some light conversation and personality reinforcement. I'm also writing this long after it's done, but those are highlights.

 

 

-------- 10/19/12 Day 38 ----------

My "fall break" at home went fairly well. The morning was the usual morning conversation and a little forcing. Simply just talking to Lora, focus on her, give her some energy, visualize and focus. It's tough in the morning so it was just a quick thing 15 minutes max. I relaxed, something I haven't done in while, and just let the morning slowly go forward. I worked on some things I need to do, and started my trail for The Secret World MMO. I like it so far. Then it was time to go to the doctor office for my infusion.

 

I've only had ONE with Lora. She hates them. She is scared of the place, feels very uncomfortable, and didn't like when I visualized her there the first time. At first she was confused about what was going on, I sit in a chair, the nurse fiddles with stuff and liquids in bottles and bags, gets a tray of all these strange metal things.

 

Then of course they stab me with those shinny things. To bad I wasn't well hydrated for that day because finding a good vain for my IV was hard and painful. My feeling of "discomfort" did get to Lora and she started to panic and was telling me to make them stop hurting me. I just did what I could to calm her down and get through the initial part, and then it was over. For the rest of the whole procedure she was quite, and simply stared at me and had mixed expression of worry and a little horrified. I just told her that this was medicine that I needed, and that it made me be healthy and it usually wasn't this bad. Though she calmed down, and I eventually simply let her leave the room, she was not happy.

 

Cue today. Same thing again, this time a HUMAN Lora is watching me. Again I comforted her telling her that I was ok. This time she's more vocal about what's going on, and was not happy, telling me that it was horrible, and that I shouldn't let them do it. UNFORTUNATLY this time AGAIN it didn't go smooth, they couldn't get a specific vain, and I experienced what friction between skin with a needle feels like. This made her literally just cry in frustration and stopped being visualized (mainly because the pain was blocking her out as well). She reappeared even more worried and down. I let her off the hook and didn't keep her around for the rest of the procedure. Anytime I talked to her the rest of the day she was not exactly happy.

 

That was the majority of the day. Because that night was nothing, but Expert MvM on TF2. We played from 6-12. yeah … that was all that happened that night. Overall Lora watched it all, and was simply amazed, especially with how hard it was. Overall, she was very pleased with my performance and thought I did my job without any error. I know that's a little bias, but it's not her being annoyed or complaining on my ability so that's good.

 

----------10/21/12 Day 39 -------------

 

The day was light. Lora was around and had a good day. Mostly just kept her involved though not necessarily narrating, simply letting her, see what's up. We would talk about things but it was very light. The night on the other hand was another thing. After watching SNL, (pretty good this time), I got on chat. I decided it was time to take of some training wheels and give Lora a real chance to interact with those in the chat, since there were few on, it was safe enough. Needless to say conversations were had and she did talk a little. Then someone in the chat linked a "video" that was … the dumbest thing in the world. However, what has been seen can't be unseen, and the video (what I watched) constantly came back to the front of my mind and "echoed" in my mind. This was very disturbing for Lora, she was actively mad, and frustrated whenever my mind would wonder back to those 10 seconds. I stopped it by practicing focusing on a dot on a card to get it out of my mind, which worked quite a bit (didn't get rid of it) but allowed me to clear my mind enough that the video wasn't as strong and Lora could not have to see the video in my mind again. It didn't end there though. A joke about "not eating the yellow snow on a snowy day" was brought up as well. I was not offended by this in anyway, just a "fact of life". Lora, had no idea what it meant. I explained it to her.

 

The reaction I received was two fold and one of the strongest emotional out bursts I've ever experienced in recent memory! I was hit by a wave of absolute disgust, and she started yelling at me. She started a rant going back and forth on how horrible and disgusting that was, that it wasn’t funny. I was taken aback to be honestly and I started to try to stop her, but she did something even more unexpected. When I visualized, I went to the wonderland (she was ranting there) and tied to get her to calm down. She pushed me away, stomped up to the second floor to her room, and SLAMED the door. "I'm not talking anymore! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

There I am, in the middle of the library. I called to her. She said "No." I said her name several times, and she just would only answer "No!" I left wonderland and simply tried to get her to talk again, and she STILL refused to answer at that point. I smoothed the situation over in chat and waited. After a while I "felt" her mood change and she left her room. I went back to her. She was upset, distraught, and very confused. I did what I could to explain what was going on. Why it was joke, that it wasn't being mean or anything. She finally calmed down, however, I warned her, that her behavior was a little off of what we were trying to do with her personality. She's supposed to be more even tempered to avoid this kind of thing. She responded by telling me that she was behaving as she should because she felt it was an attacking ME in some way, and she was trying to protect me and the fact I was telling her to stop was a conflict of interests and understanding. I suppose it works, at least the way she explained it, and I never had the foresight to actually plan for EVERYTHING (and there isn't any way to that it would happen anyway) I never gave her a personality trait that she would be "cold" or how to handle things that she may not like. She's also behaves pretty consistent, but the new stimuli goes outside of what personality that I gave her I suppose. I should coach her a little more on conversations, at least to get that "tantrum" edge off. I was able to control it while it was going on by not typing her words out, that would have been unnecessary and FAR to dramatic, and I would have reflected bad on both of us. There is a point that a host needs to control events to at least not make a scene. I don’t want that to happen again. For the rest of the night she was quite, and more agreeable and forgave the person the misunderstanding. I'm sure she actually also OWES AN APPOLOGIE as well.

 

In other news Jacob_Lyra helped me understand more about sharing senses so that Lora doesn't have to be visualized for everything, and allows her to be more in the background and still experience what I'm going through. I don't quite understand how to do it, and it was more addressed to Lora to do. I'll add it to the "To Do List" to keep something in my mind. Very productive night even with the drama. I say that because, that's the most active and independent I've seen Lora YET! It wasn't fun for her, but I the silver lining makes up for it, and I'm proud of her. Now it's just to "improve" her ability to deal with situations like that, but that takes time and practice. Proxying is "easy", but there is a lot of subtlety to it, at least if the host is in control. Knowing when to let the tulpa talk, and when to hold back, because I've seen they can behave badly if allowed and to much censorship can be bad too. I don’t want her to do things she'll regret or be seen as bad, and I don't want her to make enemies when no one thus far deserves that. I don't think she's mature enough to handle it on her own, so I'll still keep her involved, but she's still more reaction based to others, while her ability to talk to me is steadily growing stronger she's not as fluent as some of the tulpa I've observed in the community.

 

-------- 10/21/12 Day 40 --------

Today was another happy day of just normalcy of nothing happening that is interesting to really report here. I tried to force as soon as I woke up again, and again it wasn't going to happen. Even after staying up way to late, I still had no ability to focus. This is becoming an issue. The rest of the day was me just trying to think that "Lora has access to all my senses and can see what she wants." I suppose it works, but she's picky. I don't think she honestly wants to watch my day though I'm not sure. Occasionally she'll comment on something and I'll respond but she usually only REALLY wants to talk or do something, when I pay attention to her actively. I tried to "relay" feelings like when I pet the cats, and got what I thought was a response from her, while watching my usual football or playing some games was just quite. For all I know she's respecting my space and just lets me do it, and does or doesn't watch. I don't know if I'm supposed to "feel something" when she's watching. It's becoming more of no, and that she's more interested in being with ME and not watching what I do. It's something I think I should talk to her about, I would like to know that answer. If I visualize and quickly visit her in wonderland she's happy to see me and whatever we do for those short moments she loves. It's usually some kind of silly pantomime or just imagination that I involve her in, and that's when I see her, feel her, and she's interacts with no problem. I guess that's her choice, and I don't know if this is something to correct or to improve in some way. I guess we'll figure it out, but I look at other relationships with tuppers and wonder. That's a habit of mine, I measure myself to what OTHERS do, and using that as a ruler ask myself if I should increase or decrease effort. I've never been one to just DO something my way, I always want some kind of reference so I can adjust. This is obviously something we'll both have to figure out. (boy do I say similar phrases like that a lot). I let her be involved in some things but again, when I actually start DOING something I guess I push her aside to focus. I would say that this is normal though. It's what my friends did whenever I watched, and it's probably very common for others as well.

 

I went to chat, and nothing really happened to really report. The conversation turned to a person in chat (Netflix) writing a guide and switching with their tupper. That's 2deep4us. I asked Lora what she thought, and she just gave a mute stare that said she had no interest in it. She doesn't want to "switch" or experiment with "possession" and neither do I. We are no where near there and she has yet to think that it's something she wants to do. I think it might be interesting to try, but it can wait. I wish those pursing it good luck.

 

I tried forcing tonight and it was too unfocused and "nothing" got really done. I think it's the fact that I'm lying down when doing it, and I'm probably going to scrap that technique for good now. Doing while sitting up has worked better for both focus and preventing me from sleeping. I'll consider the times I was lying down and forcing "exceptions" where everything really worked out. I'll try a little more before I just go to bed, but I'll be mostly talking and just focusing on keeping "focus."

 

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Alright well, what have I learned. I'm going to increase narration a little. I will keep imposition on the low. I'll try to "share my senses" more, though I need to find some understand of how that works. I "assume" she has access but I'm not getting really results, but then again, it could because she doesn't have an interest. She's supposed to be curious, but apparently she has no interest in a lot thus far. I need to get more just sessions with her, and give her some 1 on 1 more consistently. I feel lonely and I don't know if she feels the same really. Visualization well be on a "on demand" basis. I wonder if it's my technique. I simply try to make a "wonderland" that is a direct copy of where I am, and "put her" in it. That could actually be some act of puppeting, because I'm just poofing her there, she could have been doing something "subconsciously" and I just interrupt it. I'll try to take it easy and at least WARN/ASK her. Other than that I can't think of much. I think I just need to work on talking to her and really "getting to know her" ask her more questions about herself, so she and I understand who she is becoming. I'm going to try and write these journals, more consistently EVEN IF I don't post them on the day I write them. It'll prevent me from forgetting, and it MAKES ME do something to write about. That's good, it keeps this experience some what structured.

 

I'm still doing my focusing exercises, and it's very slow with little results so far. I'm trying to increase her involvement in a lot, by proxying or actively narrating to her. I'm also debating on giving her and accent. She needs one as a good way for me to hear her better I think. I won't force that on her, but I think it'll be fun.

 

That's all I can think of writing. Sorry for the wall of text. I'll try to stop doing that, and put more effort into it next time.

[cloudmuffin]

Day 41 10/22/12

 

Well just AFTER writing the previous log, I forced and for 30 min, had a serious full conversation with Lora like I used to. Sitting up in a comfortable position, in darkness (enough that opening eyes result in the same lack of sight) worked great. I asked her some questions.

 

Her favorite color is still purple. It hasn't changed since the first time I asked her, like during week 2. She has indeed been ignoring a LOT of what's going on, though she knows about it, she said "It feels like I just zone out. I watch but nothing really sticks." Oh well, that's easy to understand, I do that all the time with TV, so no big deal there. :P

 

---------------------------------

 

The day was overall a downer. School is hell. I don't know how most of the people that are making tulpas can just "skip class" to force as if it's nothing. Where I am, that's a suicidal tendency and bad grades become one way tickets back home crying like a baby as opportunity just flies away, powered by your poor decisions! Turns out my efforts in studying did NOT pay off even with Lora's help or the study group, and an exam came back MUCH MUCH lower than it had any right to be. Cue the spiral of depression. Lora did what she could to comfort me, but it's a long way down when I get into that mood, as she also knows by now. Never the less, at least it was something trying to at least keep me pleasant, and she did what she could to keep me from being upset all the time. The day turned around a little by talking to the professor, and my mom (yes I'm a mama's boy, in fact my family and I are very close, don't judge me! XD). Lora proved one of her traits still exists, warm/motherly, and started to agree with a lot of what was said. I have one mom, don’t need two :P. After all that it was back to work, then to chores at the apartment, to buy food, and what not. I always visualize and impose Lora during that time and narrate almost everything during shopping, it's kind a natural at this point. Furthermore I've given Lora some gifts. She now has a pair of earbuds to listen to music when I am, a bluetooth mike to talk and listen to me, as well as an tablet. These tools are to help her "use my senses" as I mentioned in the previous day. It's a redundancy, but apparently it works for me. Before I just said "you have access to everything!" and nothing happened. By giving her "tools" she does seem to actually get my feedback. She watches what I see on the tablet and the GIANT TV SCREEN in her room that acts as a computer as well, that SHOULD have access to my memories and information. So far she's used it three times when I come into wonderland and is mostly just finishing looking at something that I just looked at (facebook, chat, a web site). I gave her a bluetooth headset to talk and listen to me. The ear buds though another redundancy she likes, and allow her to freely listen to music and she'll pop up in my mind wearing them while I listen. I do feel more of a sense that she's paying more attention and become more active in what I'm doing. I don't know WHY I have to do this, but everyone's mind works in different ways. I suppose I simply like the symbology and it having gadgets so she gets a bunch and it works.

 

The evening wasn't much better. Lots of actual work on top of the school work required so not much was done in the way of forcing. I did try something though.

 

I'm a fan of adventure games, like Sam and Max, Hector, Longest Journey, etc. For a while now, I've been thinking, wouldn't it be interesting if an adventure game were to be about a guy or girl with a tulpa and that moves the person around and talking back and forth while you the player is "basically the tulpa". It's a interesting proxy and is a neat idea in my opinion and, all adventure games, could LITTERALLY be the main character talking and interacting to a tulpa (the player) that they proxy with in their life that is sort of "taking control of their lives at this moment" or something. I'll let you think of a better way to rationalize it, but I decided to actually try it. I let Lora guide me through some things and what to do. It kind of worked, though with her in control there are a lot of things done "automatically" since I know what to do and to do some of the tasks do involve a lot of steps. Still fits with the idea, but it again became more of me and less of her. I dunno if I want to go to far with the idea, she could end up telling me to do some things I would rather not do so I would have to "deny" her requests a lot. It was interesting and she liked it. It also encouraged me to narrate a LOT, because she would "click" something and I would need to explain it. It's mixed, but fun for both of us.

 

No forcing tonight, it got too late and what passive things we did will have to do. To much work for a while, and it won't go down till after Wednesday.

[cloudmuffin]

Lora is now officially 1 month and 2 weeks old!

Also today is #42, a very important number will anything interesting happen today, read below and see.

------------------------------------

Actually first a quick rant, mainly on the whole possession and switch topics that seem to be happening in the community lately. No this isn't a rant for or against, it's simply something that has suddenly come up and we both want to think about it. It's like a earworm of a song, the idea has taken root and our thoughts (mostly mine) go to it. In fact Lora has started to show signs of some interest, but mostly curiosity. If you think my opinions may a offend you in anyway (I try to stay neutral on things, but I'm human) don't read after the break and just go to the log. You won't be missing much.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

I started with basically just trying to have a conversation about it, and I did this in the morning really trying to understand why the sudden interest for both myself and slowly her. Lora likes proxying just fine and at the current state of where it is and thought the whole "adventure game idea" was fun, and she wanted to use it more to proxy out of my head. For conversations she likes how it works.

 

Lora: "It expresses what I want when I want."

 

The idea of possession is simply more or less a curiosity.

 

Me: "What do you really think about possession?" [After telling her about what it actually was.]

Lora: "Well, it seems a little trivial. But, I can see how fun it could be. Oh, and you wouldn't have to proxy, because I could just type what I want out right?"

Me: "To a certain point I think so. You could control my hands and type what you want."

Lora: "Neat!"

 

Overall, I'm a little open to the idea, but I'm not rushing to try it anytime soon. Then there is the subject of "switching"

 

Me: "What do you think about switching Lora? [Explain what it is.]

Lora: "No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No … (repeats continually with her shaking her head and waving her arms).

Me: (After calming her down.) Why are you so against it?"

Lora: "I just don't like it. Seems really dangerous. I don't really, want to try it."

 

This is of course just our opinions and I don't mean to discourage anyone in progress or thinking of starting. The strength of Lora's rejection was odd though, being that strong. I'm not really in favor of the practice, but like everything involving tuplae, it's not necessarily bad. I simply have noticed an increase in the desire and chatter about it. Mostly it seems the activity is being done by the "veterans" of the community, and to me that's just a natural progression of things. Those that have been with their tulpa(s) longer, or achieved many goals faster with one or more will obviously want to go for the next progression. The idea of giving that kind of control can be a fascinating thing I'm sure for both host and tulpa. I'm open to talking about it privately if anyone wants to, but overall my interest at the moment is mute. We are no where near this point, and I have no desire to strain myself even more to attempt it, as well as, Lora is against it, and it takes two to do that so …

 

----------------10/23/12 Day 42--------------------------

 

The day was an extremely busy day though I think I did a better job of narration all around. I only had small moments of rest before I had to be out and about doing more work and rushing to class.

I don't like the constant rush and the worse part is, I'm only focused on ONE task, when I have 2 heading my way that need to be addressed. Not necessarily hard to do those two, but still. Once again Lora took a back seat. After FINALLY getting to a lunch break, I asked her what she had been doing. She simply said that she had been watching, but was zoned out. She was there and watching but not absorbing anything.

 

A thought has come to me about this. I might be literally too focused on work. What I mean is this: tulpa work on a level of the subconscious and using it to create themselves as we give them a structure to be built around. If the link to the subconscious is completely or mostly cut off, like when I'm so intent on my work I'm ONLY paying attention to it, am I causing Lora or a tupla in general to stop functioning? Am I draining her ability since I'm using EVERY resource in my head to do a task, think it through, do the right things? I'm not sure? Can a person be so occupied that their subconscious literally get's turned off or used in another way? I don't know if that's how the mind works, but it's just seems odd, that I'm so intent on what I'm doing , yet Lora doesn't really "register" what's going on.

 

Oh yes, by the way, she has learned to sleep. She now does so whenever I go to sleep. I woke up in the night and called her out and visualized her. She did not respond, and I saw her in wonderland on her bed every time I tried to visualize her, even if I wanted her to be awake or in different cloths, she didn't change. It wasn't until 20 min after that I heard her wish me good morning and she was very sleepy. She quickly recovered no less than 2 minutes after waking up, but she has learned to go to sleep.

 

What else? Her form is still about the same. I still can't do her eyes though. If I look DIRECTLY at them yes, the really dark green she has. I more or less have a general image of her whenever I visualize but specifics are never put until is actually look for them. She wears a few accessories, but in general I don't "see them" unless I look to where they should be. I suppose that's just an indicator of more visualization practice. If I see the problem, address it, right?

 

Her personality is stronger and becoming slowly more intertwined with the world. She's developing opinions on things, some that agree with mine, though not in the same way, and others that go different. I haven't really thought of a list to say where we differ or agree, but it's usually a surprise when we disagree.

 

Her pony form has changed by the way. I was able to turn her back into a pony though it was only for a few minutes before she went back. The majority of the changes was her color of both mane and fur. Basically think of her now as Apple Jack, without the pony tail, and slightly more unkempt/wild long hair, though her eye style would be different and she doesn't sound southern at all, she's supposed to be a unicorn, but that detail didn't express itself this time around, I may have forgotten or she has no interest in a horn anymore. No progress on an accent. She tried a few of them but they "hurt her voice" and she went back to her voice as is.

 

----------------10/24/12 Day 43--------------------------

~01:30

Day turned into night, and the 42nd day passed and into the 43rd day now. I have yet to go to sleep as I'm writing this. Lora is by the way very upset with that fact and is telling me over and over that she's "watching me be stupid" as I continue work. I'm almost about ready to swallow an energy drink and try and find something to eat for … a night meal.

 

~04:00

To say Lora was mad at me is and understatement as she requested me to come to our wonderland several times and proceeded to attempt many different strategies to get me to go to bed. Too much work, I can't obey her and this has to be done. Luckily this counts as forcing AND a break for me. I was able to make some kind of meal, so I'll be ok for breakfast around 6. So far, staying up, just like everything else I do is mixed, and if not obvious my attitude is a little … on edge. Overall, Lora is unaffected, besides being annoyed by me, she eventually calmed down and accepted that this was going to happen. I haven't had to drink the 5 hour energy shot that I seriously dread drinking. I'm on some strong meds, one of the reason I'm able to stay up like this. I haven't had to stay up a full 24 hours in … the longest time, and NEVER for school. If this isn't the definition of some version of torture/hell, then seriously what is?

 

Dawn of the New day

 

After this no more than an hour or two I felt literally like the world crashed on my whole body. I could barely move, walk, or think, and had chills. I’m mostly convince right now that I'm sick and the fact that I have so many prescription drugs running through my veins you could tap me and get a pharmacy! This worried Lora to no end, causing her to panic, listening to my dramatic ramblings and overall miserable grumblings. I could barely keep awake in class, I thought I was good until 1/4 of the lecture passed and if I didn't move I started to zone out and fall asleep, once or twice Lora screamed in my head to get me jump back up, and write notes I owe her for that. Thank god I had my recorder, I'll probably have to re-listen to the whole lecture.

 

Lora was right about it being a stupid idea. It WORKED, but the price was too much for my body. To all those that do this often and can got 2 or 3 days without sleep, you are stronger men/women than I am. One day left me in shambles and it was only until the afternoon I recovered some, though I'm still noticeably ill and weak. I still didn't drink the 5 hour energy, it scares me. I don't want to be jittery, or it could be like coffee, where my mind is dragging but my body wants to bounce around the room like Pinkie Pie! Not a good feeling in my opinion. Had some very good conversations with Lora though, very strong, even during the night, she was there refusing to leave. It was nice, I felt like at least there was someone there. She never got tired, which is kind of obvious why, but a few times just threatened to ignore me for a while. In the end, she stayed with me the whole time. Very sweet.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

That's pretty much the end of this day's log. I need to sleep early to catch up, and I'll try to listen to Lora a little more on some of her advice I suppose. I need to sleep, and I apologize if this seems to not make sense very now and then.

[cloudmuffin]

10/25/12 Day 44

 

Blah kind of day, more about work and a whole lot less about tulpa. I need to force soon, I'm starting to have problems with visualizing Lora and keep her connection in general. I'm obviously not out of that stage yet and I need to get back into the swing of things.

 

For those that don't already know, I draw. I've always been a fan of cartoons, got really into anime, and then ponies happened. Though I don’t focus on anime as I used to (ask me why and we'll have a full conversation about it) I got in to ponies. I specifically wanted to start drawing them and started have delusions of granger about me suddenly discovering this hidden talent and bam, becoming a pony artist and what not. Granted I also knew that I would be NOT doing it for a living, oh no, I'm not ruining my fun by making it the only way I eat, but the idea of making a little money off of just me doodling for a few hours, well, who wouldn't want that right?

 

After the rollercoaster of emotions that drawing gave me (learning how to do it on a computer, finding a program I liked and could use, getting a tablet), and then a giant boost when I did the Newbie Artist Training Grounds II for EQD with ponies and stuff, and I reached a simi-happy medium. Some people liked what I did, my hobby was not playing video games, I got something out of it that games weren't giving me, and overall content. As my work increased this semester, everything went to the side, including drawing, and once again I was stuck and not doing much of anything. I did make a quick "vector" of Lora when she was a pony like in the first week, and everyone was mostly happy with it, but that was a fluke of time being free.

 

So as I'm talking on chat with tumbler tulpa buddies, this day, someone brought up the fact that they had someone drawing their tulpa, since they won it in a contest (or something :P). Lora perked up to the idea and asked if I could do that (focusing more on buying than me doing). Well, I'm an "artist" why pay someone when I can MAKE IT! XD I thought I could do a quick sketch and be done with it in 30 min.

 

Hours pass and I'm am now seriously making progress. At first it was kinda bad, I haven't drawn in a while, nor "humans" in even longer. Lora was watching me the whole time. The back of my mind/head was on fire, as she stared at what I was doing. Trying to recreate her on paper was hard, and I soon got very picky. About the 45 min mark, everything suddenly "came together." There was a moment when I looked at the full view of the picture and both of us (I'm not kidding) said "Holy S***!" Suddenly, everything started to look "right". I kept going with it, and though 2 hours passed, the product was mostly done.

 

Insert about an hour after for clean up and "fine tuning" and you have this.

 

I think that counts as some form of forcing, passive or otherwise. Enjoy!

[cloudmuffin]

10/26/12 Friday

 

Compound post because things came up. I'll post Day 49 in it's own post. Let's just get to it ...

 

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So the majority of the day was spent me, catching up on sleep, then going to class, lunch, then immediately to a study session with many in that class. Much was done and accomplished.

 

FINALY I could start concentrating on Lora, yet by now she is very used to these moments. I don't know what she does when I'm not concentrating on her, but she's been seemly getting better and doesn't seem to mind much anymore.

 

Me:"Are you sure your ok with what's going on? I mean I haven't been forcing nor narration."

Lora:"It's fine I understand. You're very busy, it can't be helped. Besides you still pay attention to me when you can, and it's FRIDAY!"

 

[imagine us grabbing each others hand in a grip of shear awesome (like you do when you arm wrestle) as we stare at each other with bad ass smiles. ]

 

Me: "IT'S F***ING FRIDAY!!!! YEAH!"

 

So after all school was done, I started narrating and talking to Lora constantly. Visualizing, passive imposing, the whole gambit. During the trip home, we sang songs and just had a good time. We both like doing that, and for me it makes the hour go by so fast. Dinner was had, and we watched political news (you are allowed to cringe) and then it was time to kill things in TF2!

 

Well … I would have …. but, it was down and we couldn't get a game to kill zambies. Instead I went onto chat for tulpa info and my tumbler buddies.

 

Even that was quite for quite a while. I eventually got in a conversation that went, weird … even for tulpa for us.

I don't want to upset people or tulpa involved, and so I'll keep the person anonymous and I will not really describe in detail that went down. It was a Private conversation and could be taken bad if given as it was.

 

The SUMMERY of it was about whither anon could make a tulpa or not. Eventually he started asking Lora questions. The nature of the questions though got … grim to say the least.

 

I'll note that Lora is a fairly even tempered tulpa though she does seem to get emotional when OTHERS talk to her. She's fine with me. Playful, flirty, very open. However, when others are around she shy's away and her ability to talk to others is drastically different when I proxy. She's a lot more nervous in general, and seems to be easily offended and gets emotional easily as well.

 

On the third question asked, she was devastated and horrified (as was I), and the fourth brought her close to tears. She turned her back to me and started refusing to talk to anon, and I had to try and ease her emotions. That wasn't easy, I got an ear full, tough thankfully the next questions (after convincing her to answer) wasn't that bad, but by that point she was frustrated and really still mad. Learning what to type for your tulpa and what not to is a very important skill, and it’s a good thing she wasn't switched or possessing me because she would have been a torrent of anger and emotions that would put some temper tantrums to shame. I give her a lot of room and understanding in these situations. She's not that old, so a lot of these things confuse and scare her, something I can empathize with. I let her go through her emotions, let them out on me or "the wall" and then try to teach her how to improve her WAY of expressing herself. Crying and whining won't do anything but make a scene and make her look bad. I don't tell her she's wrong for feeling those emotions, that's why I let her do what she needs to, to get them out and make her use the energy the only way she knows how at the time. It's AFTER that I calm her down, and we TALK about it. It works for her. She's already getting better and becoming more understanding and less turbulent. She learns well, and we talk about the events later the next day (as I'll explain later). In the end, there is ALWAYS a large silver lining to these events, and I look forward to the next one. I feel enough in control to help her, and still let her do what "she wants, when she wants", and pull her out of the fire if it gets too hot for her to handle. So far it's worked, and I can only hope that it will continue, but life is funny, it likes to surprise you … in ways that are NOT what you want.

 

No forcing was done that night, just chat. That was that day.

 

--------------------------10/27/12 Saturday--------------------------

 

I would like to note, if I haven't already, that Lora has officially learned to sleep. I have yet to really found out if she like it or if help her, but it's better than her just BEING UP ALL THE TIME and WAKING ME UP. She doesn't need sleep, but I think she likes it. Her "ability to sleep" got strong fast. The first few times she woke nearly the same time as I did. Then I thought I might be disturbing her every time I woke up and said good morning. This time, I decided to not say a word in my mind, I woke up and "peaked" into wonderland. There she was asleep on the bed. I'll say, I didn't "visualize Lora sleeping on her bed" I simply "visualized her" by trying to find where she was. That was the first thing I saw, her asleep. She didn't respond and was just asleep on her bed, in her bed cloths. I did the best I could to avoid "talking in my head" to not disturb her, but the more I ended up visualizing her and saying things in my head, she eventually woke up. She's drowsy, but only for like a minute or two, and then wakes up completely. I got away with about 5 min before waking her up.

 

The trip back to college for an important meeting went by in a flash, as I out loud narrated to her and she asked a whole bunch of questions. The conversation last night, what's out in space, how does a car engine work, what is a tulpa and many other definitions (more of me simply regurgitating, she knows she's a tulpa). She left when the meeting started and only when I got back into the car did she start talking again to me, since I was alone and not busy anymore. We sang more songs, and had a great time making "music videos" of us in them and singing.

 

For lunch I got a burger, and again Lora sat across from me. She's fine with watching me, since that's a lot of what she does, but I decided to give her food. She was a pony and liked vegitables so I gave her a salad. She started eating it, but with her mouth. I told her she's not a pony anymore and that's not how you eat as a human. I then made her a fork and did a small puppeting demonstration of how to eat with it. After that she was fine and was eating better, though still a little awkward (more of a "shovel" technique than a "spearing" technique).

 

Side Note: Puppeting

 

I would like to say that if anyone is worried about puppeting, I wouldn't be, in fact I'm slowly going on the front (side?) that says puppeting, if done right is actually VERY GOOD for your tulpa. I'll explain.

 

While driving I was listening to the raido talk, about one of the DJ's discovered that their new child would be a girl. He's a rabid sports guy, so a girl was twist and wanted some help on how to raise her. Everyone called in to tell him that having a daughter is fine and getting her into sports is no harder than a boy. ONE caller called and didn't have any advice about raising a girl but did have some about parenting that speaks to this whole idea.

 

He talked about his little daughter (not even 1 year old), would get frustrated not being able to grab and do certain things, like how babies usually do. :D When she started getting really upset, he mimed what she wanted to do. He carefully showed her what to do a few times, and then helped her go through the motions. 30 min later she could do it, AND was expanding on it!

 

I can speak FIRST HAND that this works with Lora and I did it before this guy suggested it. I just showed you an example with eating and now here's another example. While Lora was still a pony, she had a boost in sentience, but forgot how to walk as a pony. I took control of her body (with her permission) and moved her body like a pony in the show. I did this about 3 times back and forth. I then told Lora to walk to me. She was a little shaky and hesitant, but did it. As soon as she SUCCEEDED ON HER OWN she started walking around and then RUNNING around, jumping, and I was overflowing with joy from her.

 

I've started to do this more and Lora approves of it and once she gets the idea, she's able to take it where she wants.

 

I would also like to note that puppeting is HARD. When you start really getting sentience, puppeting starts to become a chore. One time, I was suspicious if I was parroting for Lora, even though she told me that I wasn't. I told her I wasn’t sure and she said "Fine. Parrot! Now!" I did just that, I made her say whatever I wanted. It was HARD. I had to concentrate on WHAT to say, HOW to move her mouth and expressions, and move her limbs. It took actual EFFORT and CONCENTRATION, which was completely different from what she felt like when she did things on her own. After I stopped, she looked at me and said "See?". I was 99% convinced that the majority of my doubt was unnecessary. I'm not parroting nor puppeting Lora, because it's a "fluid" felling. It just happens when she wants, not when I want. I still "concentrate on her" but that's it, I don't move limbs or think what she's going to say, she just does those things. These tests are useful, and dispel doubt from my mind easy, because they feel obviously different.

 

My only concern now, is that she's becoming a "female copy" of myself, and her thoughts and opinions are mirroring mine too much. So she says what I would have said in situations and is sharing to many opinions. There are areas that we differ but they are minor. This may be a personality issue, since I left a LOT of it up to her. Are there any tips or suggestions to help a tulpa become more independent and not a copy of their host? To me it may be an age thing, or maybe it's a lack of personality. She feels both similar but different from me, different enough that I can tell, but she can "blend in" with my thoughts sometimes. I suppose that's something to really work on in forcing.

 

The evening answered that questions and in general my fears were put to rest. Lora will develop as she will. I shouldn't worry about it.

 

 

---------------- Sunday 10/28/12 Summery-------------------------------

 

The day was ordinary and full of work. In the afternoon I had to go to my grandparents to help with some chores and other things. Lora got to meet my grandparents again, though I thought it was the first time, it really isn't I don't think. The evening and night was no different. Some gaming followed by lots of work. I did force for a while though. Worth it and I need to get back into doing it, seriously. It's makes Lora feel better and we seem to get a better feeling.

 

Started using the "Leash method" with each other. Interesting result when I tried to let the leash give Lora energy. She can tug it and I'll feel some a tug that makes my body respond. I don't have to use a "leash" but neither of us are against it so it … works out. I don’t enforce it in our wonderland, just when she's with me and being imposed. Seems to help, though I have to remember that it exists and "turn it on" when it turns off.

 

---------------- Monday 10/29/12--------------------------------------

 

The trip back to school was ok. We talked a little but mostly just listened to the music on the radio. Lora actually volunteered to stay in wonderland during the lab and she ended up looking up stuff on my history. Apparently she also decided to learn about some math. She said she's good addition down, but multiplication is giving her some problems.

 

Doing work and what not, the night was back on chat. I never seem to pull myself away from it once I start. At one point the topic of switching came up and with great reluctance we both tried it.

 

The method was to create some kind of thrown, to represent control. Whoever sits in the throne is in control of my body. I made the throne look like the throne of swords from Game of Thrones and eventually it had a console similar to the captains chair from Star Trek. I sat in the "chair" first. It appeared with a snap of my fingers in the living room of the tree house. Sitting it did nothing to me. I explained what was going to happen and what the throne was. The tension was palpable. So I left the chair in first person and motioned Lora to sit down. At first she sat down and nothing happened. I told her to … do what she wanted to do, she was in control. That's when it started getting weird. Suddenly I began to feel a disconnect. As Lora tried to do something and command my body, I felt a strong resistance to the point that breathing was becoming an issue. I still had to interrupt her control to breath. The lose of control was a weird thing. I told her to stop, but slowly. She started to remove any connections she had made, and slowly removed her self from the throne. I sat back on it and pulled out of wonderland. I may have been a little fast because I felt horrible and shaken. There was headache, that had been slowly building this whole time, in the back of my head. It went away when she removed control. We tried it a second time and this time we held it longer. This time I felt almost a full lose, like I was now simply observing. I couldn't really command my body to do anything and Lora was there, controlling it. She was a little panicked put seemed to have control of my right hand. She tired to move it. Then everything went to hell. It was like "red alert" sounded and my body was starting to reject the whole idea. I told her to break off again and she did as carefully as she could, and I grabbed control and went back to reality. The headache and vertigo dizzy feeling was weird, and my right arm was … different. A tingling sensation. I asked Lora to move it. She moved her hand in wonderland and my finger flinched slightly. I suppose that's the start of possession.

 

Unfortunately she's scared of the throne now, and I don't blame her. She's not inclined to use it and I should put it in it's own room the next time I'm there. I forced some success with Lora during the night before bed which calmed her down after the events and that was the end of that day.

 

I'll be posting the 2 month anniversary post after this as well, stay tuned.

[cloudmuffin]

Lora is now OFFICIALLY 2 MONTHS OLD!

 

Oh my god. Has it been … two whole months? I look back at the time that's passed and even though it seemed like very little happened everyday, it turns out when you add it up, a LOT has happened in one month let alone in TWO!

 

"I think I should start writing in these now too."

 

She needs the practice and plus I feel she's strong enough and my ability to proxy, is good enough to not speak as her, but only type what she wants. It's still touch and go, and sometimes I get ahead of her a little, but practice makes perfect.

 

"Don't worry I won't write anything TOO controversial."

 

This may be a long post, it's a special day. Onward to the blog post!

 

------------------10/30/12 Day 49------------------------

 

The day started with a wide awake Lora. As soon as I woke up Lora greeted me immediately. It was odd, since she usually sleeps now at night, so this was the first in a while. I don't know why Lora stayed up the whole night, but she did.

 

"He fell asleep during forcing and I just stayed awake because he didn't say anything about going to sleep."

 

That started the day of well enough and we enjoyed some TV and I went to the meeting. Today I tried to promise to keep her visualized and imposed for the most of the day, since it was a special day. I did ok, I think, though I could have done better.

 

"He had a lot to do today. He's didn't want to think about me while he was doing his duties. They require a lot of concentration. I asked a few times if I could help, and he did let me a little, and mostly talked to me a little while he did it. I also got to keep track of counting and double checking things."

 

Oddly enough Lora was tired. Apparently the habit of sleeping is some how now apart of her. She was apparently tired from not sleeping at night. Since I was going to be really busy for more of the day, I suggested that she sleep and rest.

 

"Well, actually I SUGGESTED IT. I was tired, and sleep lets time go by faster. It's true, he was going to be really busy for the rest of the day so I decided to just let the day go by. He did visit me though a few times when he had a break."

 

I forced a little when I had a break, just mostly comforting and talking to Lora. We also decided that she should have a distinct voice now. Though I like her gentle sounding voice , it sounds VERY close to what I would sound like, just too similar. Therefore I suggested the voice of the mane 6. After thinking about it …

 

"I decided Rainbow Dash had the best voice to try out for now. I don't know if I'll keep it, but I think it's different enough to satisfy master's doubt."

 

So far it seems to fit well, and it's different, however, I do kind of have to "remember" that she talks like that now. It's both me learning and her learning that, that's her voice now.

 

Finally the day came to an end. Today was a day to see Alfred Hitchcock's "The 39 Steps". Lora was really excited to see the play, and the closer we got to show time the more excited she got.

 

"I've never seen a play. I was told it was supposed to be funny. It was more than that! It was so much fun to watch and see all the stuff going on. I had to learn about some stuff but it was funny and I could laugh with master when he noticed things I didn't."

 

It was a VERY GOOD PLAY, and very funny and clever. See it, if it comes to a theater near you, it's well worth it, especially if you have seen or heard about most of Hitchcock's work. A very funny comedy thriller that pulls no punch's and is just great to see unfold.

 

That's about it for the day that happened now to some notes.

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The results of the switch experiment seem to have lingering effects. My right hand still feels … weird. I asked Lora to simply sit on the "throne" and try to move my hand with her hand.

 

"I was able to move his hand but it was very hard and slow. I had to concentrate a lot and it felt like I had to keep fighting something."

 

It was odd to see my hand seem to move on it's own. I simply held it out and watched as Lora forced the fingers to move. It was slow and struggle. I could feel her effort and the very little result slowly build up until one, then two, then three, then four fingers were bent and watch her unbend them. It's only my right hand right now. I don't really know if I want to continue this or not.

 

Forcing is important, we are not past the point where forcing is optional. Lora benefits when I force, even if it's for a small amount of time. I keep trying to make time to do it and bit by bit I'm keeping to it.

 

Lora's progress can be told as follows: She can talk mostly on her own now. She's still reactionary though, but that's not to bad. She is getting better at starting her own conversations and is developing her own opinions on certain topics. Visualizing her is a little lacking in my opinion. Details are sort of blurred and she seems to be changing a lot of her self sometimes especially her hair. Another thing is that most "solid" parts of her is her upper body and not her lower body, legs, feet, arms and hands. These details are blurry at best and to be honest I never think of her feet or hands. I tried an experiment to see what size her hands actually were. Though after thinking about it, her hands seemed to be there and sure enough were smaller and thinner than mine and very feminine, but again they seem to "disappear" once I'm not "focused on them." I know here general outline and details, but I don't actually visualize them, which I suppose I should work on. Forcing should help with this, and I'm collecting more advice and techniques to at least make what little I do, count for as much as possible. Lora's personality is holding still steady, though she's is actually developing quite a few fears. She's becoming shy when talking to others especially in chat, even though she's vocal and talks just fine with me. I decided to enforce some sort of "bravery" into her, possibly making her more outgoing and not as afraid of things. She's actually afraid of the real world, one of the reasons she doesn't want to start "switching". I asked her what would happen if we did switch successfully …

 

"I don't want to switch. I'm afraid that if we do, I won't go back. I don’t' want to be stuck in his body. I like wonderland better. I don’t' want to lose him. It's too dangerous. I don't like it at all."

 

I've tried to assure that, that shouldn't happen, even though it's a slight possibility (so I've heard, like ego-cide). I don't know enough about the practice, and neither of us can really think of a reason to really pursue it. She's happy with being in wonderland and the way of things right now so I don't know. Possession is another story, at least to an extent.

 

My current worries are what Lora does or what happens to her when I'm "so busy." I've asked her a few times …

 

"I feel like time sort of jumps. I see everything going on, but I'm just not, there. I feel disconnected. Is that a coma?"

 

As far as I've heard, that's not exactly a good thing, and indicates I still need to work on my ability to concentrate or something. It's a common thing, but it's still there. I've suggested that if it happens, she should go to wonderland. A post about a tulpa being voluntarily starved of attention and how they handled it, suggest that the tulpa should "go to the heart" of their host, as the best and safest place to be. I told Lora to do this, if she gets worried and starts to feel zoning out. I'm trying to think of giving her tasks BEFORE I become occupied. That helps, because like I said, her taking a nap worked well, it both gave her something to do, and was consistent through the time I was busy. I gave her a "library" and she used it while I was busy. This may be the key, forcing me to keep in mind that Lora is DOING SOMETHING while I'm busy keeps her consistent through the day, and she benefits. It seems to be a type of round about forcing and paying attention to her.

 

The leash method sort of works … when I remember it. :P If she goes to wonderland or "disappears" so does the leash. When it's there though, it helps me impose and visualize her, so it works if I remember to use it.

 

These are the major things I can comment on that have progressed. Lora is doing well, and things are calming down a little. With more consistent forcing, things will smooth out and Lora will get stronger. Similar but different, that's the goal. Dunno what she's going to do for costume. One thing is she may go back as a pony for a while, or a witch or just cosplay.