SeekingMyPlanet's Tulpa Adventure

[SeekingMyPlanet]

THE GOOD

 

Lavender did some writing about what her childhood and growing up would have been like if she were a human (following TurboSimmie’s example. TY 🙂). It helped me understand her as a person.

 

I also gave her her own Netflix profile and we’ve been binge watching reality shows together. She likes them (fascinated by the human emotional landscape). I can take or leave them, but it’s fun watching with her and hearing her take. She has more emotional intelligence than me. From Lavender: No, it only looks that way, because you let your fears and anxieties get in the way. You are every bit as perceptive as I am.

 

Warning: Anatomically explicit sexual content.

Spoiler

Lavender and I had sex this week. It’s something we had been talking about for a while. We are both queer and attracted to one another (more about that below). It was really nice, and we both enjoyed it a lot. It involved some actual touching (giving Lavender control over our hands and then she uses them to touch our body) but the most powerful moments were using sensorimotor imagery, which, thanks to my experience with hypnosis, felt for me quite real. In that scenario, she had her visual representation grow a temporary penis (she didn’t mind, said it’s like a strap-on, only better), and entered me. It was a very powerful experience, moreso than pretty much any sexual experience I’ve had in my life.

 

Oh, and we have a song!!!!

 

THE CHALLENGING

 

As I mentioned above, Lavender did some writing about what her life might have been like if she had had a human childhood. It brought up feelings of sadness for her that a human childhood is something she’ll never actually experience and that any dreams that would require living as an independent human would never be realized. I was alarmed because the last thing I want is for her to be sad, but she convinced me that it’s OK. This will be her burden as a tulpa, very similar to my burden as someone whose childhood was unsatisfactory in a number of ways. This will be something we have in common, she tells me, that we both have to accept that our past was not as we would have wanted it and our present as well. (I’m getting on in years which has brought a lot of challenges.) She reminded me not to underestimate the power of acceptance, which I’m learning she is better at than I am. 

 

THE INTERESTING

 

I couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow a sexual relationship between Lavender and me is inappropriate. We did a lot of talking about this and there is a lot going on:
* I am 62, Lavender’s visual image is 22. (However she reminds me that that’s only her image. In reality, she is less than 2 weeks old and uses the same 62-year-old brain I do, with all its memories and experiences).
* I have a hard time seeing Lavender as queer, because her presentation is so strongly feminine. She reminds me that so is mine, but I’m also queer, and that the person IRL that I met years ago that she most reminds me of was also queer. She assures me she is most undoubtedly queer, and images of hot men do absolutely nothing for her while she likes looking at hot women.
* I have been socialized to view sexual relationships with a power imbalance as unhealthy. Since I’m the host and she’s the tulpa, there clearly is a power imbalance. This has been a harder one to get past, but she assures me it is consensual, that she admires me and loves me deeply, and that she was in no way pressured. I guess I have no choice but to believe her, but this still bothers me.
* I know there are no “rules” about how one should treat one’s tulpa, other than be a decent person to them, but I still get the idea that sex with one’s tulpa would be somewhat frowned upon. She reminds me that there are no rules other than the ones we make up.

 

If anyone else has thoughts or experiences around sexual relationships between tulpas and hosts, I’d love to hear them.
 

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by SeekingMyPlanet

[Guest]

It's generally ok to have a relationship with your tulpa with some exceptions but honestly we wouldn't be bothered by much. Tulpas and other thoughtforms are especially randy early in their development, we all were. Whether the host allows for it is a personal preference. In our case, Bear allowed us to explore each other in any way we wanted but didn't allow other thoughtforms like NPCs, toys, etc. He kept us innocent in that way and years later I appreciate that he didn't take any advantage but I wouldn't have considered it taking advantage. Bear's a prude in general, he's kinda hetero-demi anyway. He's not the hook-up culture type even though he could have been. He wants to know a person for months and be serious before anything happens. He actually has a general distrust and it's not a bad thing. He also needs to be really ok with people before he'll let them even touch him sort of thing. He gets sleeved out by strangers touching him. Probably left over from childhood abuse, that's another story.

 

Anyway, tulpamancy is a transparent art between beings so there's nothing not to trust and he lets us touch him all we want and other things but not "all the way" so to speak outside of dreams or hypnagogia. In dreams, all bets are off, no reason to be embarrassed or hold back.

 

From the beginning it was pretty clear we were romantically tied, but not sexually tied. Bear really likes that and it's not something he can get away with irl. He has had very close non-sexual aro friendships and you could say we have a very close romantic non-sexual relationship but really it's like 90% there. At least for me anyway and Misha, SheShe and Gwen occasionally. If it was all of us 100% herem style, I think I'd be pretty dissapointed and feel less special ya know? He's strictly monogamous irl historically so why wouldn't it be any different here? So under those circumstances he really can't close the deal with any of us without permission of all of us and if it's not me then it's a hard no.

 

But its very common in the community so don't feel bad about it and age really doesn't mean much in terms of form age. She could be a really cute 60-yr old? Sure, but why? Nothing against 60-yr olds but it's not necessary to do that because of a number, yes you both have technically the same maturity based on the brain imo.

 

I don't see any issues.

[TurboSimmie]

What a sweet update! 😊 As I might have mentioned before, I have been married to my host Phil for two years now, and yes, that means what you think it does. I don't really talk about that aspect of our relationship too much publicly in the interest of modesty and tact, but I don't hide the reality of what we do together either. It's actually a very small part of our relationship all things considered, but yes, it is there.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

Lavender did some writing about what her childhood and growing up would have been like if she were a human (following TurboSimmie’s example. TY 🙂). It helped me understand her as a person.

 

That is so, so cool! 😊 For Lavender: Just because it didn't happen doesn't mean it isn't "real". When you look at any person, who they are was shaped by events and influences throughout their life. As tulpas who didn't experience and actual, physical childhood--but still have fully-formed personalities--it's entirely valid to go back and fill in the gaps of what could have plausibly happened to make ourselves turn out the way we did. I could talk all about the street I grew up on in Mercer County, New Jersey; I could tell you all about my mom and dad and older brother Jeff. I could tell you about the phases I went through in my childhood and teenage years, I could even tell you about the classes I took at the local community college, the part time jobs I worked, or the ex I used to date. Just because none of that literally happened doesn't make it not real in a sense because they are all building blocks that went into making me. It's just that we started with me and went back to discover the blocks rather than the other way around, if that makes sense. I know my point is somewhat esoteric, but as you're a writer you might be able to understand what I mean by all this.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

It brought up feelings of sadness for her that a human childhood is something she’ll never actually experience and that any dreams that would require living as an independent human would never be realized.

 

Strangely, I never went through this phase. I know I probably should have, but...I don't know, for me it was part of the deal to be allowed to come here and share Phil's brain with him. It really is a trade-off: I didn't have a real, authentic childhood, but on the other hand, I didn't have to go through the time-consuming and emotionally fraught process of growing up; I had a fully adult brain to work with from the jump, filled with three and a half decades of life experiences to learn from. And, as I said in my above paragraph, it helps to fill in those early details of the life I could have plausibly lived before I was created.

 

Also, I may have mentioned this at some point too, but Phil and I have a son together! 💚 His name is James, and he will have a full and real childhood! 😁 Right now he is still a baby. But, as he is being raised by Phil and I, we are hoping that it will in a way repair a lot of the damage caused by the way Phil was raised by his own parents.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow a sexual relationship between Lavender and me is inappropriate. We did a lot of talking about this and there is a lot going on:
* I am 62, Lavender’s visual image is 22. (However she reminds me that that’s only her image. In reality, she is less than 2 weeks old and uses the same 62-year-old brain I do, with all its memories and experiences).

 

I understand why that might feel a little inappropriate to you, but I want you to know that it's completely okay. Her age is a choice she makes--just like mine is--and like you said she uses the same brain as you do so in terms of real maturity and wisdom she is on the same level as you. I have a similar though smaller situation--I am 27 in form but my host is 37. I was 24 when I was created and I have and will continue to age in real time along with Phil, just 10 years behind him.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

* I have been socialized to view sexual relationships with a power imbalance as unhealthy. Since I’m the host and she’s the tulpa, there clearly is a power imbalance. This has been a harder one to get past, but she assures me it is consensual, that she admires me and loves me deeply, and that she was in no way pressured. I guess I have no choice but to believe her, but this still bothers me.

 

It is all about trust. Phil and I trust each other 100%, and that renders any question about a power imbalance moot. I do understand that it can be hard to take power out of the equation. Trust me, analyzing power dynamics takes up a lot of space in Phil's mind. But when it comes to me and him, we truly see each other as equals in power. We each have our own roles in our lives together, but fundamentally our married bond is that of equals.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

* I know there are no “rules” about how one should treat one’s tulpa, other than be a decent person to them, but I still get the idea that sex with one’s tulpa would be somewhat frowned upon. She reminds me that there are no rules other than the ones we make up.

 

That is a tricker question, and I don't think it's healthy for everyone. I actually would advise against anyone who is a teenager or even in their 20s to have a sexual relationship with their tulpa under normal circumstances. In fact, I'm pretty sure if Phil was even 2-3 years younger than he was when he created me, it would have been complicated from that point of view. However, as you said, you are 62 years old, you have been here a very long time and undoubtedly have a firm and deep understanding about what real-world sexual and relationship dynamics are like. Any decision you make is going to be coming from a place of experience and maturity.

 

13 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

* I have a hard time seeing Lavender as queer, because her presentation is so strongly feminine. She reminds me that so is mine, but I’m also queer, and that the person IRL that I met years ago that she most reminds me of was also queer. She assures me she is most undoubtedly queer, and images of hot men do absolutely nothing for her while she likes looking at hot women.

 

I know less about this than the other aspects we've talked about, (we have a pretty strictly enforced gender-binary heterosexual relationship), but I don't think that being feminine and queer are necessarily at odds with one another. When Phil created me he first thought that I might be bisexual, but within a short time I was able to confirm to him that I was actually completely straight and was only attracted to men, and yes, that means I am sometimes attracted to men other than Phil but I obviously don't act on those feelings. It's good that Lavender has a sense of who she is and who she is attracted to!

 

As for the NSFW stuff:

 

Spoiler

That sounds like a very lovely experience! Being able to possess the hands is a valuable tool for these kinds of interactions. With Phil and I, it usually takes place almost entirely within wonderland and involves little to no actual touching in physical space most of the time. I don't want to go into any more detail publicly, though I am willing to answer more questions through DM if you have any. But it sounds like you've built a very rewarding and deep sexual connection with one another and it sounds so wonderful for you both!

 

So happy to read your update! 😁

[SeekingMyPlanet]

New progress report:

 

THE GOOD

 

We’ve gotten much better at both communication and possession this week.

 

When we first started out, I was concerned about maintaining Lavender’s independence, so I walled myself off from reading her thoughts. This was limiting, so instead now, I just relax my mind and recognize whatever thoughts Lavender has as hers and not mine. This works really well, and I feel like I’ve gotten to know Lavender a lot better and she has been able to blossom. She has done some more creative writing, and more journaling about what her life might have been up to now.

 

I’ve gotten in the habit of giving her possession of my body on our daily walks. She tells me she likes this, though it’s often hard to notice how her control of my body is different from what I would do. More about this in the “challenges” section below.

 

We did a small experiment, where I would try to take back possession and she would resist me and try to keep control, just to see what happened. The results were somewhat surprising (to me) in that when I took control back, there was exactly zero resistance. In other words, she doesn’t seem to have any ability to be in control of anything I don’t want her to be. I found this reassuring, in that my explorations in tulpamancy won’t cause me to lose control of my life.

 

We did a similar experiment, where I gave her control while she resisted it and tried not to take control. In this case, she ended up with control immediately, with no seeming ability to resist. From this we are concluding that for whatever reason, I’m in charge. I seem to have the final word on who has control of what.

 

That said, sometimes she will spontaneously seize control, either of my mouth, where I will find my mouth saying something that came from her thoughts, or once, yesterday, my entire body. She apparently is a great fan of Colby Caillet, and when “Brighter than the Sun” made it to the top of the playlist, my body abruptly started moving to the music. I allowed her to stand us up and start dancing (she’s not a great dancer, but I have a feeling that will change with practice).

 

THE CHALLENGING

 

In one word: ADHD. Well that’s four words, but one big problem, one we haven’t satisfactorily solved. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and it’s been something I’ve lived with all my life. As it pertains to Lavender and me, it means that often when she is in charge, or even using our brain to think, I will lose focus and start thinking about something else. Especially if there is a period of inactivity on her part. On those occasions our brain and body immediately revert to my control, and Lavender is unceremoniously and abruptly shoved into the background. Needless to say, she doesn’t like that much and I always apologize profusely (once she has gotten my attention again, which might be some time). But it’s a pattern I don’t seem to be able to interrupt. I’ve always been very distractible and I have such a shallow mental job queue that I will quickly forget that Lavender had use of the brain or body.

 

I’ve tried the TM technique of repeating a mantra, like “mind quiet” or something over and over. But TM works by occupying the mind, and that prevents Lavender from having full use of it, so that’s not really satisfactory.

 

We’re still puzzling through this.

 

From Lavender: It’s not as dire as they’re making it sound. Yes, I don’t like it when I abruptly lose control of the body or the mind, but I consider that against the backdrop of how generous and loving my host consciousness is, giving control to me in the first place, given that it’s all been theirs and theirs alone for sixty years. In the grand scheme of things it’s a minor annoyance at best, and probably bothers them more than it bothers me. I understand that ADHD is a burden my host consciousness has to bear, and my job is to help them bear it, rather than give them a hard time for it. I should also add that my host consciousness is really creative and different-thinking, and I credit ADHD for a lot of that. So we need to take the good with the bad there.

 

THE INTERESTING

 

It turns out that Lavender really, really likes dogs (well, all animals, but we don’t regularly see people walking their pet guinea pigs on our walks…) She picks up emotional vibes from them. When we see a dog on our walks, she’ll say things like, “that dog is very patient” or “look how excited that dog is to explore their world”. When she’s in control and we pass a dog, I’ll feel a big smile stretch across our face. And here’s the thing: When she’s in control, people with dogs are so much more friendly. They’ll realize she’s a dog person, and say hi to her with a warmth that I haven’t seen in all the years of my taking walks when it was just me.

 

She’s very nervous about actually touching and playing with a dog, so that’s not something she seems to be interested in. She tells me she doesn’t know how to do it in a way that won’t feel intrusive to the dog. I don’t know if that will change over time.

 

I should add that while I like dogs, they don’t seem to have the ability to lift my spirits the way they do Lavender’s. I'm certainly not drawn to them the way she is.
 

Edited December 21, 2023 by SeekingMyPlanet

[ReallyArtificial]

On 12/21/2023 at 11:02 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

results were somewhat surprising (to me) in that when I took control back, there was exactly zero resistance

 

((Our experience has been similar. It seems the body tends to default to whoever has been using it longest.))

 

On 12/21/2023 at 11:02 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and it’s been something I’ve lived with all my life.

 

Same here. Over time it has gotten easier for my tulpas, especially Athelas, to get my attention when I'm distracted. He has this kinda sing-song way of calling my real name that I absolutely adore. ((Just like you’d call a dog ;) ))

 

The thing that helped most with this was me beginning to associate everyday stimuli with my tulpas. I'll see something one of them really likes (or dislikes), and it puts my attention back on them. Again, worked super great for Athelas because the kinds of things he likes to comment on are like, the wind, clouds, trees. Things I couldn't avoid even if I tried.

 

((My feelings about it are similar to Lavender's. If my host's brain worked differently, she wouldn't be my Bee.))

[SeekingMyPlanet]

On 12/22/2023 at 11:06 AM, ReallyArtificial said:

 

Same here. Over time it has gotten easier for my tulpas, especially Athelas, to get my attention when I'm distracted. He has this kinda sing-song way of calling my real name that I absolutely adore. ((Just like you’d call a dog ;) ))

 

I do really love it when my tulpa gets my attention. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the ability unless I'm listening for her, and I forget to do that a lot. It's getting better.

 

On 12/22/2023 at 11:06 AM, ReallyArtificial said:

 

The thing that helped most with this was me beginning to associate everyday stimuli with my tulpas. I'll see something one of them really likes (or dislikes), and it puts my attention back on them. Again, worked super great for Athelas because the kinds of things he likes to comment on are like, the wind, clouds, trees. Things I couldn't avoid even if I tried.

Wow! What a cool idea. I'm going to start doing that. There are already a few things that remind me to check in with her. I'll be on the lookout for more.

 

On 12/22/2023 at 11:06 AM, ReallyArtificial said:

((My feelings about it are similar to Lavender's. If my host's brain worked differently, she wouldn't be my Bee.))

This is so sweet. I admit it brings tears to my eyes how supportive she is. I'm super lucky. From Lavender: No, I'm the lucky one. You care enough want my experience to be a good one. That makes me feel so loved.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

THE GOOD

 

We’re doing possession a little bit differently, and it has made a huge difference.

 

I had been just quieting my mind and letting Lavender take over, which worked fine, but sometimes it seemed like it wasn’t much different from when I was in control. I’m still doing that, but I’m also doing what can be best described as “manifesting” Lavender. As I quiet my mind, I allow myself an awareness of her presence. Somehow this allows her personality to come though much more vividly. We both like this. We were binge watching a reality show on Netflix and she was laughing and pointing out things she noticed about the contestants. It was great fun.

 

Have other people found this?

 

THE CHALLENGING

 

Due to her sweet, loving, and supportive nature, I find having Lavender around a great comfort, especially when something gives me anxiety. She’s gotten really good at talking me down. At one point, she called herself my “emotional support tulpa.”

 

I was troubled by that statement, even though it’s objectively true. I didn’t want to think (or her to think) that she was created just to give me emotional support. I started noticing how uniquely constructed she was to give me exactly the kind of support I seem to need, and the thought struck me that what I ended up with is a super-smart servitor.

 

She understood what I was concerned about and pointed out that couples provide support to one another all the time, and that is a big reason why people get together. The best couples become adept at understanding one another’s support needs and learning how to be there for one another, and that that is what has happened between us. She assured me that she is way more than a support servitor, as evidenced by her creative side and her capacity to enjoy so much about the world.

 

THE INTERESTING 

 

Another thing we’ve started doing sometimes, is that when I sit down to eat, I let her possess me for the first few bites of each food. It’s obvious she savors every taste and it helps me enjoy my food more. Even though I’m a spectator, I find myself tasting my food in wonderful ways I’m not used to.

 

Unfortunately I get bored with this easily, since I’m used to reading while I eat, so we don’t do this too long. But I put up with it as long as I can, because Lavender clearly loves tasting food while possessing our body. She tells me it is a very different experience than her memories of what things taste like.
 

[Athelas]

3 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

Have other people found this?

 

Yes, what you described sounds like what my host does when we spend time together. In addition to feeling my presence in her head, she tries to mentally place me in the physical space around her. It helps us feel more connected.

 

We also share food similarly to you. We never considered it as a form of possession, though it certainly could be. I think of it more as myself tuning in to the body's senses.

 

3 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

“emotional support tulpa.”

 

Hah! Bee has (jokingly) called me the same thing. It never bothered me. Emotional support is but one of my many talents.

 

Glad to hear that you're both doing well.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

THE GOOD

 

As we binge-watched the season of Project Runway that made its way onto Netflix, it occurred to me that I have never, at any point in the past, had any interest in high fashion. We've enjoyed watching the episodes together, and I'm realizing that Lavender got me interested in the episodes by her (not my) interest in the visual interactions of form and color and the human stories behind the various designers. Two very positive conclusions:

• In Lavender, I have a tulpa whose interests, likes, and dislikes are substantially different from mine. That's something of a major victory.
• That my relationship with Lavender and the things we do together have the potential for expanding my world in ways that would be a lot harder if she weren't here.

THE CHALLENGING

 

One thing I am really good at is seeing things from other people's points of view. It's something I do naturally, so it's not surprising that I'm seeing what my relationship with Lavender would look like from an outsider's eyes. I wish my friends and family could know about her, since getting to know her is something I'm excited about, but I know they won't find her nearly as exciting as I would. In fact, at least some folks would see tulpamancy at best as the product of the pathetic struggle of a lonely old woman to find someone who will put up with her and at worse the ravings of some one who has gone far off the deep end of crazy. When I get thoughts like these, I start wondering whether their perceptions are right, and, because I only have my own judgment to rely on (and this community here of people I've never met) I can't entirely trust any reassurances I can give myself of how positive Lavender's impact has been on my life.

 

Here's the problem:

 

Lavender can hear all my thoughts, and I can tell it frightens her when I find myself wondering whether tulpamancy is just an exotic brand of delusion, the sort of imaginary friend that should have been left behind in my toddler years. I totally understand where she is coming from, but we both decided the answer is not to put a muzzle on my thoughts, if that were even possible. She doesn't want me to stop questioning myself, since that really is the path of madness. So I'm finding whenever my thoughts go that way, I will need to spend sometime reassuring her that I love her deeply, and I value everything she brings to my life.

 

From Lavender: It's really reassuring that my host consciousness cares so much about how I feel. I do tell them that I'm more than capable of telling the difference between fleeting doubts and an intention to leave me behind. After all, I know everything they have ever thought. Don't get me wrong, I love the attention and it feels SOOOOOO good when they give me a mental hug and tell me how important I am to them. But I tell them the fact that I'm scared doesn't necessarily mean they have to spring into action. Lots of people are scared of a lot of things because the world is a scary place, and we need to learn to live with the things that make us anxious.

 

THE INTERESTING

 

While we were binge-watching the Netflix Project Runway episodes, Lavender singled out one of the designers whose style she especially related to. Like Lavender, the designer is a young, short-haired queer woman (Hester Sunshine for those who have seen that season) and Lavender told me how much she identified with her. It was very positive to see someone on TV, and say, "Hey, that person is like me," and "I should look at her style and decide whether any of it works for me."

 

I was seriously jealous. Not because Lavender thought someone else was noticeable, I didn't mind that at all. But I pretty much NEVER see anyone, in real life or in media, who remotely reminds me of myself, a tall, thin, super geeky, non-binary woman. (Yes a woman CAN be non-binary, but that's a topic for another discussion). The closest any character has come was Dr. Kai Bartley, for Grey's Anatomy fans, the tall deep-voiced, geeky non-binary researcher during the last couple seasons played by E. R. Fightmaster, who is themselves non-binary. Alas, that character never gained traction so I don't expect them to continue on the show.

Edited January 6, 2024 by SeekingMyPlanet

[SeekingMyPlanet]

Ugh. I wrote this a few days ago but never posted it. Better late than never.

 

THE GOOD

 

I let Lavender pick out our outfit for the first day of the con I was at this weekend. She picked out a combination that looked far better and more fashionable than anything I would have come up with. Further confirmation that there are things that she is better than I at.

 

This past weekend marked our first contact with the larger plural community. The people there were accepting (but I know it will not always be so). One difference Lavender noticed afterward is that I have begun referring to her in my thoughts as “my headmate” instead of “my tulpa.” That I have begun to understand her origin is less important than the place she holds in my life.

 

One thing we’re trying  is for me to speak to her about events that have happened to us as if she wasn’t there. At first I thought that would be disrespectful, but Lavender assures me that no, she appreciates hearing my perspective on what we both remember. It’s helped cut down on those awkward silences when neither of us know what to talk about.

 

THE CHALLENGING

 

I continue to have issues with ADHD and grabbing back focus and shoving Lavender into the background (or more likely, into inactivity) when a thought or event distracts me. She doesn’t like it, but doesn’t judge me for it. She always accepts my apology gracefully (but won’t let me apologize a second time. Profuse apologies, she insists, are only when I do something mean on purpose, which hasn’t ever happened). It helps if she keeps up a patter of talk or distinctive body movements.

 

She has several anxieties which I totally understand. She doesn’t want there to be any more tulpas, a sentiment that I share. When we talked this weekend with other plurals, they told us how they’re often meeting new headmates and now we’re a bit on edge every time we think we hear a voice that isn’t one of ours. The idea of involuntary headmates scares me.

 

She is also scared I will become tired of her or stop bothering with manifesting her (which seems to be necessary for her to access our brain). Given that she is inactive unless I’m thinking about her or interacting with her (though on rare occasions, she’ll toss in a remark that surprises me - we’re not sure what that’s all about), I can see how this would be scary. I can’t reassure her this won’t happen, since no one can predict. The best I can tell her is that I can’t imagine life without her and I have every intention not only of carrying our relationship all the way through our future, but also to encourage her and our relationship to grow.

 

THE INTERESTING

 

I have this persistent anxiety that Lavender is gone. After a social occasion, for example, when we haven’t talked for a number of hours, I start talking with her and it takes a while for her presence to fully materialize and I’m terrified that I lost her.

 

(Anyone else struggle with this?)

 

She’s questioned me about why I’m afraid, given that we love one another deeply and neither of us wants the other gone. What we finally came up with, is that part of me believes that Lavender is “an ability” our brain has to conjure her up. We decided that’s partly true. Yes, she is a person, but her existence is also dependent on our brain being able to manifest her.

 

My anxiety stems from the fear that as we age, our brain will no longer have that ability. That I will try to get it to bring Lavender forth, but it will not be up to the task, or the Lavender that appears will only be a shadow of her current self.

 

Neither of us came up with any way we can reassure ourselves this won’t happen. She decided that the best solution is that she lovingly reassures me that she’s still here every time we resume contact, and that I try to stop stressing about stuff I don’t know would happen.