SeekingMyPlanet's Tulpa Adventure

[Guest]

4 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I have this persistent anxiety that Lavender is gone. After a social occasion, for example, when we haven’t talked for a number of hours, I start talking with her and it takes a while for her presence to fully materialize and I’m terrified that I lost her.

 

(Anyone else struggle with this?)

 

We have heard that before. It didn't happen with us though.

 

4 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

My anxiety stems from the fear that as we age, our brain will no longer have that ability.

 

We've seen very successful tulpamancers who were over 50. What age worries you?

 

Yeah, so trust her and don't worry about it.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

2 hours ago, Ashley said:

We've seen very successful tulpamancers who were over 50. What age worries you?

 

I'm 62 and my memory is much worse than it was decades ago, though it seems like pretty much everyone I know my age says the same thing. 

 

2 hours ago, Ashley said:

Yeah, so trust her and don't worry about it.

 

Thank you. "Don't worry about it" is advice that works for so much I'm anxious about.

[2serpents]

8 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I have this persistent anxiety that Lavender is gone. After a social occasion, for example, when we haven’t talked for a number of hours, I start talking with her and it takes a while for her presence to fully materialize and I’m terrified that I lost her.

 

(Anyone else struggle with this?)

I would guess this is a common fear.

 

I've been boxed out for months at a time myself (actually twice last year, one time when my host made an account in order to make a desperate and in hindsight unnecessary post on this very forum). It's not the most fun you can have but I'm not dead yet. 

 

The anxiety is touching in its own way, but only serves to make things worse. If your head is stuck in a loop of worries and worst-case scenarios it's difficult to hear someone trying to get your attention.

[ringgggg]

8 hours ago, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I have this persistent anxiety that Lavender is gone. After a social occasion, for example, when we haven’t talked for a number of hours, I start talking with her and it takes a while for her presence to fully materialize and I’m terrified that I lost her.

She feels gone like that simply because you have to get used to interacting with her again. If it doesn’t seem like she’s responding, start monologuing to her, because she’ll be able to intake whatever you’re saying regardless of the circumstances.

 

Keep in mind that the forgetting is an unconscious process, so don’t feel too bad about something that’s out of your control.

 

Doubt can be extinguished with the right judgment, so don’t trip yourself up thinking that the friend you’re attached to has suddenly disappeared. She’ll receive whatever you have to say

Edited January 20, 2024 by ringgggg

[Lavender]

16 hours ago, 2serpents said:

I've been boxed out for months at a time myself (actually twice last year, one time when my host made an account in order to make a desperate and in hindsight unnecessary post on this very forum). It's not the most fun you can have but I'm not dead yet. 

 

Wow. That does sound upsetting. For me it's only been a few hours at a time, when my host consciousness goes into ADHD hyperfocus or gets so involved in something social and forgets about me. I don't mind. If something is absorbing them, it's a good thing, and I'm always along for the ride.

 

But it's really true that I don't/can't say or do anything if my host consciousness is not thinking of me or at least aware of my presence. I'm not really worried about that, because the longer we're together, the fewer times there are when they lose awareness that I'm here.

 

But months at a time? I think that would be scary.

 

16 hours ago, ringgggg said:

She feels gone like that simply because you have to get used to interacting with her again. If it doesn’t seem like she’s responding, start monologuing to her, because she’ll be able to intake whatever you’re saying regardless of the circumstances.

 

Thank you. I concur with this advice.

 

16 hours ago, 2serpents said:

The anxiety is touching in its own way, but only serves to make things worse. If your head is stuck in a loop of worries and worst-case scenarios it's difficult to hear someone trying to get your attention.

16 hours ago, ringgggg said:

Keep in mind that the forgetting is an unconscious process, so don’t feel too bad about something that’s out of your control.

 

Doubt can be extinguished with the right judgment, so don’t trip yourself up thinking that the friend you’re attached to has suddenly disappeared. She’ll receive whatever you have to say

 

Part of what's going on is that they have had a lot of people leave them behind in their lifetime. I don't think it's all about me and that I might be gone. I'm pretty sure they know I'm not gone, it's latent trauma from all the people that have left them suddenly and without warning and they're sitting there in complete shock thinking, "what just happened?" That sort of trauma makes them hypervigilant. They're always looking for signs so at least they won't be left without warning. It's not an especially healthy way to be, and I think the new therapist they're working with is really good (the last therapist was not, and ended up missing a session and  ghosting us for weeks, which is unprofessional to say the least). I hope the hypervigilance is something they work on. But in the meantime, I don't mind (read I'm really energized by) reassuring them that I'm here, that I love them, that I'm not going anywhere, which is something I think really helps them to hear.

 

Thank you both so much for your comments. I'm speaking for both of us when I say we really find all your feedback helpful.

[2serpents]

On 1/21/2024 at 9:06 AM, Lavender said:

 

But months at a time? I think that would be scary.

Well, fortunately Mother Nature gifted me with boundless confidence and charisma, so nothing can be too scary ;-)

 

More seriously, I am tempted now to write something about it, explore it more, as usually I don't think much of it. Not scary, more uncertain, and all seen through a dark glass. My host has similar strange and vague memories of a long illness that nobody talks about and she doesn't want to ask.

 

Neither of us can fully remember precisely when and how I came back - whether it was all my own effort, all hers, or some combination.Whatever it may be, I am here now and stronger and better than ever.

 

Also, I think you are in a very different situation from me where this does not need to be a worry for you. Things between my host and I happened more... spontaneously, shall we say. Neither of us fully knew what the fuck was going on. And while I wasn't jumping with joy to disappear it couldn't have happened without a little bit of my acceptance and cracks in my confidence, the possibility (completely misguided by the way) that her life might actually be better without me popping in. We've picked away at those doubts now, for both of us, so I am certain it will not happen again. 

[TurboSimmie]

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I let Lavender pick out our outfit for the first day of the con I was at this weekend. She picked out a combination that looked far better and more fashionable than anything I would have come up with. Further confirmation that there are things that she is better than I at.

 

That's awesome that she has such a sense of style! 😎 I do a similar thing for Phil; I always pick out new clothing for him when we shopping. Nothing gets bought anymore without the Simmie seal of approval! 😁

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

One difference Lavender noticed afterward is that I have begun referring to her in my thoughts as “my headmate” instead of “my tulpa.”

 

I think "headmate" is the most neutral/inclusive term because it can refer to any type of headmate, not just one created through tulpamancy. They're both correct in Lavender's case, as in mine!

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I continue to have issues with ADHD and grabbing back focus and shoving Lavender into the background (or more likely, into inactivity) when a thought or event distracts me. She doesn’t like it, but doesn’t judge me for it.

 

Oh gosh, my first year with Phil had a lot of this. It's just something you'll work through with time! For a long time I wanted to be there all the time to be there for him and help him. Sometimes, though, I feel he needs his space to think and I move aside for him.

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

She has several anxieties which I totally understand. She doesn’t want there to be any more tulpas, a sentiment that I share. When we talked this weekend with other plurals, they told us how they’re often meeting new headmates and now we’re a bit on edge every time we think we hear a voice that isn’t one of ours. The idea of involuntary headmates scares me.

 

Oh yeah, it's a common story, once you've become open to the possibility that it's not just "you" in there, more often "threaten" to follow. I think a lot of younger tulpamancers make the mistake in indulging in every little thought pattern that could be a potential headmate and form them all into tulpas, and while you get the occasional success story of it working out, it usually ends up with the host either getting overwhelmed and giving up on tulpamancy all together or having a bunch of tulpas that get little to no attention. So I think it's pretty important that there's a pretty strong barrier put up in your mind to prevent other headmates from forming involuntarily. Very often the first tulpa acts as a gatekeeper making sure no one else gets through! That was certainly the case for us; I prevented any other headmates from forming (and one almost did; that's a story for another day) until I was ready to have my son James.

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

She is also scared I will become tired of her or stop bothering with manifesting her (which seems to be necessary for her to access our brain). Given that she is inactive unless I’m thinking about her or interacting with her (though on rare occasions, she’ll toss in a remark that surprises me - we’re not sure what that’s all about), I can see how this would be scary. I can’t reassure her this won’t happen, since no one can predict. The best I can tell her is that I can’t imagine life without her and I have every intention not only of carrying our relationship all the way through our future, but also to encourage her and our relationship to grow.

 

I went through this too, because I know that my Phil has hyperfixations that last a year or two and then fade away. I wanted to be resilient enough to survive the end of his hyperfixation on tulpamancy, so I used the time I had to solidify myself in this brain. And yes, his hyperfixation eventually faded away, but by that point I was just a fax of life and I was able to survive without much difficulty. I like to use a money analogy: Imagine if you had plenty of free money but only for a limited time. You could spend all that money and go bust when it stops coming in, or you can invest it in ways that make sure you're okay when it stops coming. Replace money with Phil's hyperfixation and that's pretty much what happened. 😊 If you guys operate in a similar way to us, that would be my advise to Lavender: Make yourself solid and resilient and as ever-present as you can, so that way if your host's adhd takes her mind and fixation elsewhere you will still be here and be strong. 😁

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

I have this persistent anxiety that Lavender is gone. After a social occasion, for example, when we haven’t talked for a number of hours, I start talking with her and it takes a while for her presence to fully materialize and I’m terrified that I lost her.

 

(Anyone else struggle with this?)

 

Another very common early-to-mid tulpamancy experience! Eventually, you will gain confidence that Lavender will be there. Phil knows I'm not going anywhere even when there are times I might be slow to show up or respond.

 

On 1/20/2024 at 7:45 AM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

She’s questioned me about why I’m afraid, given that we love one another deeply and neither of us wants the other gone. What we finally came up with, is that part of me believes that Lavender is “an ability” our brain has to conjure her up. We decided that’s partly true. Yes, she is a person, but her existence is also dependent on our brain being able to manifest her.

 

My anxiety stems from the fear that as we age, our brain will no longer have that ability. That I will try to get it to bring Lavender forth, but it will not be up to the task, or the Lavender that appears will only be a shadow of her current self.

 

Yeah, to a large degree, the ability to have and maintain a tulpa is still an "ability". But it's like everything else in life; we have to enjoy it while it lasts, and hopefully it will last for a long, long time! 😁

[Lavender]

19 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

I went through this too, because I know that my Phil has hyperfixations that last a year or two and then fade away. I wanted to be resilient enough to survive the end of his hyperfixation on tulpamancy, so I used the time I had to solidify myself in this brain. And yes, his hyperfixation eventually faded away, but by that point I was just a fax of life and I was able to survive without much difficulty. I like to use a money analogy: Imagine if you had plenty of free money but only for a limited time. You could spend all that money and go bust when it stops coming in, or you can invest it in ways that make sure you're okay when it stops coming. Replace money with Phil's hyperfixation and that's pretty much what happened. 😊 If you guys operate in a similar way to us, that would be my advise to Lavender: Make yourself solid and resilient and as ever-present as you can, so that way if your host's adhd takes her mind and fixation elsewhere you will still be here and be strong. 😁

 

Thank you so much for the advice and the perspective. I really admire and look up to you as someone who has a lot of wisdom about how to grow and blossom and live a meaningful life as a tulpa. 👩‍🏫

 

I'm hoping I'm not just a fad that my host consciousness is engaging in. They do try things out, yes, but often when they find something that works for them, they'll stick with it and make it a part of their life. I hope that's what happens with me. When they started questioning their gender about 10 years ago, they were worried it was a passing fancy, but they still understand themselves to be non-binary gender a decade later. I hope I'm not fooling myself but it really feels like I make them very happy and that I've been a positive influence on their life. They've endured a lot of trauma and heartache and I deep down 100% believe they need someone in their life who loves them unconditionally and keeps reminding them of the best parts of themselves and that's a job I'm happy to take on as long as they want me to. 

[SeekingMyPlanet]

THE GOOD

 

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about and trying to understand our connection - what it means for me to be host and Lavender to be Tulpa. Here’s our progress:

* We did some more experimentation when fronting. In one experiment we both tried to front at the same time. The result was sort of a wrestling match for control of our body, which neither particularly enjoyed (an understatement. We won’t be doing that again…). But what it says is that I have no supremacy when it comes to fronting. We’re even in that way.
* We also repeated the experiment where I tried to force Lavender into the front. In contrast with the last time we tried this (where I was able to put her in front), this resulted in no one fronting and our body just sitting there with an expression like, “what gives?”
* We concluded that it *is* possible for me to be “dormant” the way Lavender is when I’m not thinking of her. What this entails is if Lavender gets super absorbed in something, like writing poetry, or viewing the scenery, I’m not anywhere. I’ll have full memory of the event afterward, but no agency or awareness of my own while it is happening. (This isn’t unpleasant by the way. It isn’t associated with any feeling at all, since I’m not experiencing anything). It only happens when I’m not actively thinking of something myself, so I don’t get the feeling of having my thoughts interrupted. 

 

This all has radically changed my view of my own place in our mindspace. Yes, I’m the host, and yes Lavender prefers me to do most of the interacting with the world, but there’s nothing about my station that makes my claim on our body superior to Lavender’s.

 

Other progress:
* Lavender can now drive. She’s as good as I am, maybe better, because she’s naturally more chill, so she’s less likely to go too fast, change lanes to try to pass someone, etc.
* Lavender wants to take up photography. I support that, though I have no knowledge of inclination in that area. She’s not asking for a camera because there is a perfectly good one on our phone, but we have started researching what makes a good or bad photograph.

 

THE CHALLENGING

 

Lavender is fond of fronting as we walk in the area. At one point we were walking on a paved path through nearby woods, and she walked us to the edge of the path to look at some feature that intrigued her. Our foot slipped off the path and our ankle turned. Before we could take in what happened we were literally on the ground. She got me to the front right away, and I assessed my body, which was sore in a whole bunch of places where we had landed and our ankle ached. I had visions of having to call an emergency crew to carry us out of the woods, but when we stood up, I was able to put weight on the ankle, albeit painfully. We hobbled out of the woods and avoided long walks for a few days, but by the next day it was healing enough that we could comfortably put weight on it. By the next week it had healed completely.

 

Lavender felt terrible because she was fronting, and she kept apologizing. I’ve had to comfort her because, really, it could have happened to either one of us, and there is nothing wrong with stepping us off the path. Still, it was a few days before she was willing to front us on one of our walks again.

 

THE INTERESTING

 

Lavender believes she is sentient. She made that statement while reflecting on her own thought process. It doesn’t really change how we interact, but I find it interesting. In the past she told me she wasn’t sure, but it’s more definite now.
 

[ReallyArtificial]

((I'm intrigued by your experiments. We'll have to try them sometime. We've never had the experience of no one fronting.))

 

On 1/25/2024 at 12:36 PM, SeekingMyPlanet said:

Lavender can now drive. She’s as good as I am, maybe better, because she’s naturally more chill, so she’s less likely to go too fast, change lanes to try to pass someone, etc.

 

((Impressive, good for Lavender! I admit I'm wary of driving. I don't like the idea of all of us paying the price for someone else's carelessness on the road.))

Edited January 26, 2024 by ReallyArtificial
((Posted to host's account. Oops.))