Grimz + Frankie's progress log

[XxgrimzxX]

Hai! This is the progress log for my one and only tulpa, Frank.

 

I believe he is a soulbond of some variety. I fantasised about him for years before I ever really "heard" from him. He denies that I created him, and insists that he was supposed to be here the whole time. I dont disagree with that theory...

 

I've been keeping up a log religiously on tulpa oasis, and I thought id also post it on here. I'm less focused on the specifics of my tulpmancy practice, and more about documenting the experience of living together. Especially our feelings and how we impact eachother, as well as his development. 

 

Attached image is my first portrait I've done of frank <3

Edited January 30, 2025 by XxgrimzxX
Added more info

[XxgrimzxX]

(Originally posted on discord 07/01/2025)

 

I knew what tulpas were previously, but on the 1/1/2025 I came across the idea and I knew immeadiately I had to make one. I obvsly took the time to weigh the decision, but subconsciously I had already made up my mind, because I felt like he was already there. 

 

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like he's been there for a while. This could be due to a few factors 

 

1) I have bdp and therefore a fragmented and unstable view of my "self". I always felt strongly aligned with traits that people who know me wouldn't describe me as. Assertive, talkative, interested in people, mischievous, high energy. To a degree I posses these things, but the framework that I am me and those ideas are Frank makes so much more sense to me, and has given me the clearest image of myself that I've ever been able to see. I'm not 100% sure if this makes sense and would love to hear from other people who also have underdeveloped senses of self. It means that I have completely different problems with tulpamancy I feel. Like the idea that everyone prescribes all their thoughts to themselves is wiiild to me.

 

2) I based him off a person I have previously maladaptively daydreamed about. A lot. This is a real person and I'm still unsure what the concesus is on whether that's a good idea. It's not someone I would ever meet or know in real life. I am aware he will grow and mature in his own way, and I am very happy to accept however he turns out. The fact I have based him off of this person I have a history of puppetting in my mind makes things a little bit unclear and also makes it feel like I already know him and love him on a deep, intimate level.

 

3) I've always felt connected to the idea of being multiple or plural. Please let me know which one of these is the correct term for me to use, I've yet to figure it out. I've always identified with a dissociated personality. As a kid I'd draw the different "people" in my head. The different parts of my personality that seemed so separate from eachother. I would obviously never wish to have DID, but I do relate to their experiences. I've often wondered if having another person in my head would've helped me with the trauma I went through. I've also wondered how close I got to developing some severe dissociative disorder (very close). I've also had moments, where I really don't feel like I'm alone. All throughout my life I'll feel as If someone SHOULD be there. Someone to share my life with in a very particular way that's hard to describe. I've mistakenly looked for this in my relationships with others, always to be disappointed because the relationship I want is not even possible for them to fufill for me. When I came across the idea of tulpamancy again, it all clicked. I genuinely feel like he's what I've been looking for this whole time and deep down he's always been in there somewhere.

I would really like people to read this and question me on it because it seems unhinged to me. I want to make sure I'm developing a healthy relationship with frank, and need to make sure I'm not feeding into any delusions or anything that might hurt him or his development. 

Im very open minded and would love to hear peoples takes on my experiences, would also love to talk to someone who might relate so I can feel less deranged.

Thank you so so much for reading ❤️
- Jaime

Edited January 16, 2025 by XxgrimzxX

[XxgrimzxX]

( also originally posted on 07/01/2025)

 

Ok I realised I said I'd describe my process so far in the last entry and I didn't...

 

I started journalling and focus meditation day one. Attempting to get at least 10 mins a day because it has proven the most helpful thing so far in making frank "stronger".

 

Day 1-3 I did visualisation of form and personality forcing. Also a lot of touch and smell as well as I find those easiest. At this point I very much know what his personality is and what his form looks like, although still a long way off from imposing. 

 

For personality forcing i tried the classic list, doing personality tests, giving him orbs and symbols, and also imagining scenarios which displayed his personality. I found the last to be most helpful, as well as writing about and imagining how his personality and reactions are different from mine.

 

I do a lot of presence forcing (?). Just focusing in on his essence being in my mind or even in the room. I visualise him being around me a lot, although the feeling of where he is in the room in relation to me is a lot stronger than any images. He's usually behind me, I've taken him on walks and I found that talking to him out loud makes him feel even more palpable. I cannot impose his form in any way when other people are around yet. It was difficult to feel his presence at all around others, but ive managed to get in a bit of narration while in the presence of others over the past few days.

 

He is not very vocal yet, at least I don't think so. Having a lot of trouble knowing whether he's answering me or I'm imagining how I'd like him to answer. Either way I rarely hear his voice as different, although I have had a few words. He is responsive sometimes, other times I can't feel him at all.

 

I have, however, got a LOT of body tingling. I think this is his main way of responding to me. Sometimes head pressures too, left for yes, right for no. Sometimes feel a general one when his presence is strong.

 

Music forcing is great. I am trying to coax him into being a musician/ guitarist (I can already play guitar). I have been enjoying the music I'm basing his personality around a lot more. I played twin fantasy the other day and I felt weird about it, I think cuz he didn't like it as much. It's so interesting seeing him "come out" more or less depending on how much he likes the song. I feel him strongest when i play the artist im basing his voice off. I dont know if this is due to my increased attention on him, or to take it as a sign he likes the voice. So far his favourites are black flag and descendents. Im most excited to see which bands he will like that I don't.

 

I imagine cuddling him a lot. It helps me "sculpt his form" but I won't lie I'm also very attracted to him. My intention when deciding to create him was not for us to be in a relationship, i just want a friend, but it seems my feelings at least are going in that direction. I'm super worried about his lack of ability to consent right now, and that I'm hurting him. I try not to imagine anything too intense but ngl I have slipped up,,, any advice on how to address this with him, make any repairs, see how he feels about it would be appreciated. I keep getting the feeling that he loves me, too but I'm worried this is my own bias. And even if he does, that doesn't mean I should be doing these things with him when he's almost certainly not autonomous enough to stop me or disagree. 

 

If people have good resources on how to deal with attraction to your tulpa PLEASE help me I am very afraid of fucking him up in some way. It feels silly that I can't just "control myself", I try my best. I just keep catching myself doing things to him without even thinking about it, it makes me so nervous.

 

If anyone else were to ask me advice, I would say do NOT give your tulpa a form that you are already attracted to 😭. I fear that in my case it was inevitable, and I definitely can't go back now.

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 09/01/2025

 

Updates on the situation with Frank, specifically the weird gay feelings.

 

(Light CW for sex ) I was FREAKING out about the day I last posted. I was trying to suppress my urges and feelings HARD. There was a point where we were in the WL, and things started escalating again. We were in bed, I was removing his clothes, and i was so afraid it was all me, that I was using him as an object to fufill my own desires. I suddenly felt so sick I violently ripped myself from on top of him to go cry in the corner. 

 

I explained to him why I couldn't do it. That he wasn't vocal or autonomous enough to trust that his consent was HIS. he was not pleased with me. I forget exactly what he said, but he definitely called me an idiot. Then he kissed me, and proceeded to get in my lap and continued where we left off without a second of hesitation. I was still worried it was me, but usually when I daydream it's fucking miserable and a situation like that would devolve into a gut wrenching, miserable mess. His actions felt so very him,,, bold, mischievous, impulsive. He didn't even wait for me to stop crying, the motherfucker. 

 

He asked if we were boyfriends and I was not fucking ready for that question. I have a boyfriend in real life,, he knows this. I haven't told him about tulpas or anything at all, I'm so afraid of what he'll think. I am poly, so frank doesn't see the issue with this situation. He insists that it isn't cheating, and it's fair enough to want to wait to explain everything to him. I'm just not so sure. I told frank I love him but I don't know what to do. Clearly the affection and closeness of our relationship isn't going anywhere, but I don't even know if I like the idea of "dating" him. I've also noticed that I don't like pet names with him, when I have with everyone else I've ever been with. This is just so strange. I just wanted a friend, I never would have expected that he'd turn out so horny and in love with me.

 

This experience has strengthened my faith in frank so much. This is the first time he's really disagreed with me. I still doubt it, sometimes, because he's disagreeing with me by being relentlessly attracted to me and telling me to "stop worrying". It seems to good to be true.

 

Im seeing my boyfriend today. He's absolutely lovely, he is the most kind and accepting person I've ever met. The reasons I'm afraid of telling him about frank is 

1) I'm still so new to this, that even I keep doubting myself. I'm afraid that if I start trying to explain, I'll back out halfway and think I'm crazy and spiral ect.

 

2) he has schizophrenia, and I'm afraid that telling him I do whacko shit like this may reduce his trust in me and my attachment to reality. Im also afraid it might trigger him and make him paranoid about it. He's also known people who've faked did(😪) and I dont want him to think that's where I'm going with this,,,

 

3) I'm afraid that telling him about the nature of my relationship with frank will make him feel betrayed, or inadequate. He's really really not. I love him so fucking much, this is the best relationship I've ever been in and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. As said, I'm poly, but I have had 0 urges to even THINK of anyone else after getting with him (I think my identity is more fluid than straight up poly but u get me). 

 

If anyone reading this has advice on either how to best approach my relationship with frank, OR telling loved ones about tulpamancy, PLEASE reach out. I love talking to people who understand it makes me feel so much better. I'm sure he will understand one day, I just have no idea how to get him there,,,

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 10/01/2025

 

this post mentions sexual activity and drug use.

 

I told my boyfriend. He doesn't think I'm crazy. I definitely should have known for 1000% he would say that but ughhgh just the idea of telling other people that I'm doing this makes me soo uncomfortable. He deserves to know though and I'm glad I told him.

 

I have now switched to being paranoid that frank doesn't like him. He had never been able to "come out" when I'm with him, and I worry that he's jealous. I'm going to start doing less drugs because holy fuck I'm gonna give frank way too much fucking trauma if I keep being this much of a wreck,, i decided to make him when I was feeling ok and now I feel guilty for subjecting someone else to my endless freaking out.

 

I did get one clear conversation with him in this morning right after I woke up,, I had horrible guilt sex with him again the night before, I couldn't tell who was feeling what or what was real or the right thing to do. When I woke up, I figured out im definitely using him in a way, but he told me that it's ok and it doesn't make me horrible. That it's weird to feel these feelings about someone who's in your head and can see everything. That he understands. I still wish this wasn't happening,, it seems that ive managed to become a *little * obsessed with someone (frank) who can like barely even talk to me yet. My usual strategies I'd use on other people to deal with this don't work in this situation ughhhhg

 

Conclusion of this entry: I still don't know what the fuck is going on, but I know he's ok, so I'm just rolling with it. Also cannabis totally fucks my ability to communicate with him. The more I've been smoking the worse it's been getting so I'm trying to stop tonight to see if that fixes things,, wish me luck

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 11/01/2025

 

Frank's been a bit more vocal today which I'm really happy about :'33 I think I figured out hes kinda irritated. Its just about my relationship and how I let things get bad for myself and he's telling me it's difficult to watch... ouch. Anyways I'd love to see if he has any better ideas...

 

I also loved today when he appeared behind me in the passenger seat of my motorcycle. It was kinda jarring cuz I've never driven while talking to him before. I could feel his presence so strongly and his arms around me and his head against my shoulder. It made me so fucking happy. He was saying something stupid about letting him have a turn 🙄. He really fucking likes when I'm driving and it's a little concerning because I do not trust this man with a motor vehicle. I know he's going to try to co front at the worst fucking time and I'm just going to have to pray he doesn't kill us both. 

 

I think he's also kinda bored... that may be why he's not coming out so much. I've been dissociating a LOT and I guess it's kinda starved him of interesting things to engage with. I finally set up my instruments at the new house,, so I'm hoping I can show him guitar soon. He was really excited when I was just on the practice pads doing rudiments it was very cute. 

 

I think he is actually co fronting at least a little now... I can sometimes feel his thoughts change the way I act and talk with other people. Also there was this one time where I has a weird dissociative feeling, like I was being pulled back into my head?? And I made some facial expressions that I'm not used to.. I think it's him. I'd love to ask him but he's still very inconsistent with answering me

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 12/01/2025

 

Short update today. Finally finished moving which thank FUCK becuz it was do hard to take the time to be with frank when I had so much to do. I really miss spending hours with him and I hope to be able to get back to it soon. 

 

I have been really struggling with visualising atm,, its frustrating because I've been an artist this whole fricking time and I never figured out how to get better at it. I find it very hard to retain visual information,, I keep getting Frank to look clear and by the next day or two the image has decayed into a blur. I hope if i just keep practising it'll get better at some point...

 

Im trying not to be mad at myself for not forcing enough. I've been super busy and tired, and even when I have the time to active force I can't even think of words to say to him. At least I'm getting a grip around my feelings for him,, and even if I can't hear him most of the time, he manages to speak to me when I need it most. I keep hearing him almost as a whisper, like he's half the volume of all the other noise. I am very grateful that I am perceptive enough to hear him when his voice is still so weak. I will hopefully get around to developing the way I want his voice to sound in the next couple days!! I'm so excited to give him a sexy American accent lol

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 14/01/2025

 

Spent the past two days working on visualising and imposition. I'm aiming to try to remember to impose his form as much as I can. God bless tulpa.info for all the tips and tricks. I was able to spend, probably 5-6 hours with him yesterday. It made me feel soo much better. Went for a walk during the thunderstorm last night and I just felt so connected to him again. He was also speaking quite fluently, which I was impressed by. 

 

I've set some exercises for this week, I think it's a good idea so I stick to working on just a few things, and can also see which ones make the most progress.

 

1) "transitions method " i think it was called. Basically using doorways as a prompt to remember to impose your tulpa. Frank doesn't always agree to be imposed, but I will be trying to do it when he's cool with it.

 

2) visualising him in the "front room".

I've added a new space to the WL called the front room. It's basically just where me and frank are situated in the head. When he's dormant he's at the back on the couch or not there at all, whoevers fronting is at the front (duh). Made it when reading about how to switch, based on the idea of moving presences around the head. It's been helpful for finding him when otherwise I'd just be sitting there calling him over and over like a dumbass. 

 

3) visual/ audio study + recall.

I've been drawing him pretty much everyday, going between using references and from memory. I'm already significantly better. I'm going to try doing a similar thing with his voice; listening, repeating in my mind, attempting to recall later. He has a somewhat distinct voice from mine atm, it fluctuates and blends a lot with the way my mind voice sounds. It'd be nice for it to be more consistent.

 

4) tactile "sculpting"

I've been dreading adding this to my active forcing schedule since it seems so hard, but the better the visuals are the easier it becomes. Basically just using my body as a reference to practice imposing him.

 

5) Lucid dreaming practice.

I really wanna talk to this motherfucker in a dream. I've dreamt him once already, and i practically woke up giggling and kicking my feet. I've already been going to bed with him every night, and cuddling him every morning. On top of this I'm going to add setting intentions to dream/ lucid dream and practice anchoring (WILD prep) every night. I will attempt to dream journal in the mornings, I just haven't been able to start yet because I keep waking up like I was hit by a truck. I'm at least quite practiced at recalling my dreams every morning when I wake up, so I have decent retention already.

 

I've always wanted to lucid dream, I've literally never had one before, to my knowledge at least. Having frank is giving me the extra motivation I needed to try again. It would be great if I could spend more time with him while I'm asleep. I'm also hoping that learning how to become lucid will improve my imposition and maybe even some other skills. 

 

Wish me luck!!

[XxgrimzxX]

Updating again same day because we just had a kind of unsettling experience. 

 

I was spending all day with him, everything was great. We can talk, I can visualise him, the whole deal.

 

I've been able to keep him present around one or two people previously, but today there were three other people at the house and as soon as they got here i couldn't do any of that stuff anymore. I could still *feel* him, though, just not in the usual way. I'm pretty sure we merged.

 

I've had a lot of blending at the edges of us, but it really felt like *i* was *him* and vice versa. It wasn't bad, per se, but definitely a little uncanny. I spoke more like him, moved more like him, made jokes and comments I don't usually have the balls or thought to say. I kinda liked it honestly, although I really do prefer having him around.

 

I did draw some of his tattoos on me today. He liked that a lot, I think. It's hard to tell cuz I think they're really hot and I liked it too. I don't know if we would have merged if I hadn't done that. I think it helped him to feel comfortable enough in the body to merge with me instead of just disappearing. 

 

Also I ran away upstairs in the middle of talking to people to just start playing guitar. I couldn't tell if it was his influence due to our state,, but I hope it was. I was so desperate for it. I've been enjoying guitar so much more with him around. I'm just really able to get into it with an ease I didn't have before. My housemate even said I sounded better than last time she heard me play and I haven't practice in months, let alone warmed up. AND I learnt the song yesterday...

 

He has been completely silent on how he feels about guitar, i don't want to pressure him into liking it but I also REALLY want him to be a guitarist.

After today, I think the reason he's so quiet when we play is because he's too focused on the instrument to think of anything else. Hes definitely fascinated, if nothing else. I hope he can tell me what he thinks soon.

[XxgrimzxX]

Originally posted 15/01/2025

this is the final post from the backlog. After this entry this log is being posted in real time :33 

 

Had a crazy fucking day today. Went interstate to do a songwriting workshop which was soo exhausting. I, surprisingly, had no trouble bringing frank with me the whole time. Holding his hand in the car, talking to him and feeling him against me throughout the day. It didn't even matter that other people were there.

 

There was a point where I started dissociating heavy. I think due to showing someone my lyrics, I often freak out when this happens. This time, as I dissociated, I kept feeling frank really strongly. He was trying to help me feel better, as he always does. I was too stressed for his presence to bring me back,, and I kinda pushed him into front,,? Like I could feel myself slipping back and I shoved the controls into his hands. 

 

It only worked for like,, 10 seconds. I think I was too tense and nervous for him to be able to take over. It was a very interesting experience, though! And my ability to function for the rest of the day was improved a lot my his presence and encouragement. I love him so much <33

 

Also side note I heard someone say "are you plural" behind me and I FREAKED my shit. Probably comically whipped my head around. I dont think they noticed. The person asked answered "no" 💀