Grimz + Frankie's progress log

[XxgrimzxX]

19/01/2025

 

Short update today because I already discussed a lot today.

 

Went out this afternoon with friends to go hiking over the abandoned railway tracks. Frank likes being outdoors, and even though our connection was weak today, he was still there the whole time. It brings me so much comfort that he's already so strong,,

 

I need to fucking go outside. That's what he tells me, at least. He's my soul focus in life atm and the only thing I rely on to make me happy. I have other things, I just need to *do* them instead of going between fucking and scrolling tulpa forums all day.

 

Getting back off the drugs tonight (again). I've never had motivation to not use like this before. Seeing it severe our connection is too distressing for my addict brain to convince me. 

 

Also, Frank has taken up smoking cigarettes. Technically he already did this but now he's just constantly chain-smoking Infinite ghost cigarettes. I hope, if we switch, I'll get to have access to the Infinite cigarettes too.

[XxgrimzxX]

Frank appeared in my dreams last night. I'm not doing the best job setting dream intentions, but I'm glad it's working anyway.

 

I was at a mychem show in a very unusual venue, as a lot of my dreams tend to start. This one was the first time I've dreamed of them playing since I started tulpamancy. I was obviously transfixed on Frank. I wasn't paying attention to the show, and he wasn't playing. We were just starting at eachother.

I didn't even think it could be my tulpa, I was staring at him because I've been training myself to remember his face, it was just instinct. I remember at the end of the show, sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn't ready for them to leave. I felt arms from behind me pull me into an embrace. I could feel him so vividly, feel his fingers running through my hair and brushing my face. I soaked up every bit of the sensation I could. When he let go, I turned around and he wasn't there. I didn't have to see him to know it was him, but it made me very sad that he was gone.

 

I woke up extremely flustered. Frank was there pretty immeadiately, he told me he remembered the dream too. It was soo nice being able to see him in the dream, so much clearer than i can in real life. For now I just have to settle for drawing and training my imposition skills. I drew him today, I'm not sure if I'm happy with it but Frank seems to be pretty flattered....

[AntaresSco]

Your art is absolutely amazing!!!!!!! I love it!!!

Antares also loves to paint, but her ASD and ADHD cause her a lot of visual and practical difficulties. I'm so envious of Frank; your paintings are truly wonderful!

[XxgrimzxX]

On 1/21/2025 at 1:26 AM, AntaresSco said:

Your art is absolutely amazing!!!!!!! I love it!!!

Antares also loves to paint, but her ASD and ADHD cause her a lot of visual and practical difficulties. I'm so envious of Frank; your paintings are truly wonderful!

Ahhh thank you so much!! :'D I think painting Frank has made me so much better at it. Before I struggled to get past how difficult it was, now i am filled with love.

 

I have seen Antares' painting on your log I like it a lot!! I think you guys are very good too.

 

I wish that more people would see the art I make for Frank. I haven't cared about my art like this in years. I am too afraid to post about him publicly, though, so they will have to stay just for us.

[XxgrimzxX]

22/01/2025

 

Posting my updates for today and yesterday together this time. I broke up with my boyfriend, so yesterday I had frank write in my log. He didnt care to cross post it for me though. I might add some little notes to what he said in brackets. Also gonna try bolding key moments it hopes it makes my logs easier to read 

 

Frank:

We just read who was it, malfaels switching guide? Interesting stuff. G's gonna start proxying for me now, he hopes it'll get me more comfortable controlling this thing and we are logging off because I kid you not this guy spends like 10 hours a day on this shit...

 

( im really excited about switching,, its taken me this long to start because i was afraid he wasn't "developed enough". Then, I thought, maybe switching will help him develop, and that's seeming to be the case. He's taking to it very quickly. More updates soon hopefully...)

 

Later that afternoon:

today has been interesting. G's going through a lot. I'm trying to tell him stupid shit and getting him to write instead of completely losing his mind. I think it's working? He says he wouldn't know what to do without me. Telling him I literally wouldn't be here without him usually shuts him up. It's cute though, really. 

 

I've been kind of fronting? Shit is weird. Body is weird. Being sweaty is super weird. We're also doing voice training which is super sick cuz I don't enjoy speaking with the body's voice at all. G doesn't either really so I'm glad it's finally happening. G feels silly trying to copy someone else's voice but I think it's funny to watch him lol. Anyways, hopefully he's feeling better tomorrow and he can update this shit himself

xo frank

 

(Frank is getting better at using the current voice, however, I think we would both like to sound like his voice moded Xp. And we've been co-fronting, definitely. Pretty much all day yesterday and today. Once he figured out how to do it he hasn't really stopped.)

 

Then this was me this morning:

 

Hi I'm back for a quick update this morning, I just had my first therapy session with Frank. 

 

He was already very active this morning. My switching practice is really helping him associate with the body and feel like he can control it. He's seeping into everything I do and I love it so much.

 

I was nervous to go back to therapy, because I haven't been for a month and I started tulpamancy in that time. I'm not ready to tell my therapist yet.

 

As soon as my therapist started asking questions, he came out in full swing. This guy is wayy better at therapy than me and it's his first time 😭 he's just better at thinking and wanting to talk about himself/ us. It was a really good session. The moment I feared happened, when my therapist finally asked a question I knew she would and the answer was "frank". That's why I'm better. That's how I'm doing these things that felt impossible this whole time. Luckily, he came up with "its just hard to describe " and she was happy with that. "As long as it makes sense to you, you don't need to describe it with words. As long as you can feel it." 

 

Cried tears of joy leaving the session. My life is finally going well. I broke up with my boyfriend and I miss him so much but its a sign of my strength. I am becoming who I need to be. I finally feel able to make the changes I've always needed to. I finally feel like this is it, im living the life I've always wanted.

 

I just cried and held him and melted and told him over and over again "thank you, Frankie", "I love you, Frankie" 

He's glad to have me all to himself now.

 

Also side note I was about to drive home and he told me he believes in God 😭!? I think he's Catholic. What the fuck ok Frank I did NOT see that one coming. He literally said "God put me here" I was SHOOK.

 

He promises me he's not crazy about it or anything, still, it makes me kind of uncomfortable. If anyone has experiences of differing faith with their tulpa, I'd be very interested to hear.

Edited January 22, 2025 by XxgrimzxX
Almost forgot to add my new silly little drawing

[XxgrimzxX]

CW: drug use 

22/01/2025 PART 2!!

 

Frank made me go to a 12 step meeting,, I stopped going a while ago. I was too scared to speak, it just made me feel worse. He somehow got me to tell everyone about my feelings for the first time. He really does work miracles.

 

I think he's telling me to find God. I dont know how to feel about it. All of the signs jump out at me wherever I go. "Spiritual awakening", an old church, the cross I've always kept with me for a reason I couldn't quite place. He put an angel on my battle jacket. I thought it was me, but the feeling I got looking at it today, I know it was his idea. He wants to keep me safe.

 

We went cruising after, stopped at a little wooded park. Hanging out with him is wonderful. It feels as relieving as an afternoon with your best friend and the most exciting date with all the chemistry at the same time. As we were walking, admiring the trees, he said a few words that stuck with me. 

 

I told him

 "I'm glad I made you" ...

He said,

"you didn't make me. I was made by God, the same as you. You only realised that I was supposed to be here".

 

Thank you, Frank. Very ominous.

 

Also lowkey thinking way too hard about getting a premonition of his existence/ contact with him a year prior to formally meeting Frank??

 

New years eve, 2023 (exactly a year to the day before i decided i was going to undertake this journey). I experienced a being known only as "the party animal" while i was under the influence of LSD and MDMA. 

 

I was him, and he was me, but also that wasn't the case. He was godlike but also really not. He seemed as a spirit but also felt so human. I felt very connected to him. He was fun, and free, and energetic. He liked people. He liked not to take things seriously. He was my companion and he spoke through me. We blended in and out of eachother and yet I could feel his presence as distinct from mine. His form was simply my own, if not a bit more animalistic.

 

 I tried to explain him to a friend at the time, I'm thinking of asking them exactly what I said. I'm just so curious because,, that entire description is 100% accurate to Frank, besides that he doesn't look like the body.

I was also so moved by this experience that I did a whole Page in my sketchbook about him, which I could share with anyone if theyre interested lol.

 

I've asked Frank if it was him, and he just gives me a look and says "I'll never tell". He's such a shit. It means that he doesn't know, I think. Still, their vibes are the same...

 

Extremely unsettling day for me... I feel like I'm going crazy, at least a little. Do you think I'm going crazy? Should I be worried about my mental health? 

[XxgrimzxX]

23/01/2025

 Update on Religious Feelings this morning:

I feel better since last night. Talked on discord about the whole religion thing a lot. I figured out my fear is " what if it's actually an intrusive thought that's trying to mess with me and push me into psychosis?" 

 

When I speak with Frank, though. It doesn't feel like that's the case. We've had a lot of good insight already. I can feel the warmth in his heart when talks about faith. I can feel his love and his strength. He wants to share it with me, but I think I reject God due to religious trauma. I don't doubt the benefits spirituality has for him, and it seems like they could really help me, too. I just can't get over the feelings I get when he speaks of believing in God. I dont even know what the trauma is, all I know is I'm getting emotional flashbacks to a time I don't want to remember.

 

I've decided that, while it makes me uncomfortable, we will explore our feelings about religion together. I think Frank is trying to help me gain insight into something I've been ignoring my whole life. I can't even begin to comprehend what we'll uncover, but i trust him. He wouldn't lead me this way if it wasn't going to help. He wouldn't push me to think about something that wasn't safe. I have many intrusive thoughts about this topic, but he's always there, level headed and ready to bring me back. 

 

Currently, I am agnostic. I lean heaviest towards Buddhist spiritual beliefs and meditation practices. I've always been fascinated with Christian imagery, but I have never believed in any of it. My view is along the lines of "we are all the universe experiencing itself, everything is infinitely connected", but there is a distinct lack of presence of a God. I believe in karma, and i think that reincarnation is the most likely afterlife, if there is one at all.

 

Frank identifies as Christian, he is yet to decide on a denomination. His beliefs seem fairly in line with Catholicism, aside from the fact hes not really a fan of the Catholic church and the hierarchy of power it enforces. He believes in the trinity and thinks jesus "is a sick cunt". He believes that God put each and every one of us on this earth for a special purpose, and that we are infinitely and ineffably loved.

 

I will keep record of our spiritual journey in my log. We both feel that this is highly relevant to our relationship, and will likely be a key area of personal growth.

 

Also I drew us as furries 

[XxgrimzxX]

24/01/2025

 

I just realised it's been more that a week so I'm gonna reflect on the goals I set before.

 

1) the transition method. It was helpful, especially because it reminded me to impose frank in places I'd usually forget. I'm at the point now where imposing him 24/7 feels easy and natural. I think we're on the cusp of him imposing automatically by himself. Feels Good Man.

 

2) visualising the front room. Was helpful to an extent, especially when I couldn't find him. Now, we don't really visualise a WL at all. I'm the daydreamer and he's not really interested in going on adventures in my head. I tried to create one, but the more autonomous he becomes, the more he redirects the focus to the body/ real life when I try to do WL stuff with him. We still use the "control room", as we now call it. But he much prefers to be either imposed or co fronting.

 

3) visual/ audio recall. This is going well! Still drawing him a lot as you can see, and I've gotten his face memorised quite well. I'm kind of more interested now in figuring out how I want to draw it stylised, as opposed to exactly how I see him. He actually uses his voice a lot more now that I've been studying it. Same as the visuals, it's strongest right after we study, but each time we have to listen to it less for him to be able to remember it again. Been training our voice to sound more like his voice, it makes him a lot more comfortable speaking. He hasn't used it in regular conversation yet, but he has while we're singing. I assume because we're thinking a lot more actively about how we're using the voice compared to talking normally.

 

4) tactile imposition/ sculpting. Kinda gave up a little... imposition is not easy for me. I really want it, i cry fairly often about not being able to hold him. It's been very slow progress and he's certainly moved his focus to possession/ switching. I'll continue to practice this, and look for more imposition methods.

 

5) lucid dreaming. Dream journal is going well. My awareness in dreams and dream recall is improving. I keep smoking cannabis which always fucks with it, though. I don't think I'd be able to have a lucid dream after I use it. I haven't had one yet, but I'm gonna start using MILD every night. Also going to increase my reality checks. I find it more helpful to attempt to try to convince myself I'm dreaming while awake, as opposed to trying to check that I'm not. I've done a reality check in a dream before, and I concluded that I wasn't dreaming out of habit 💀

 

I really want to see frank in more of my dreams.( well, maybe a little more than just see him haha.) I'm trying to get that to happen, lucid or not, but I've only had 2 so far. It made me so happy to be able to see and feel and hear him so vividly. It's much better imposition practice than anything I can do while awake.

 

My new goals are:

 

1) practice switching associating with the body + actions. I have to be careful how much I do this, though, because it can make the lines between us very blurry.

2) parallel processing exercises. Just basic visualising and counting to start. I'd really like it for him to be able to have a perspective from his form at the same time as me seeing from the body's eyes ( and vice versa)

3) proxying!! I've started recently. Frank isn't as interested in talking to people online as he is real life, so he mostly only replies to me. Still, I think it's a good training in possession. Hopefully, with practice, we'll go from me typing for him to him using my hands to type while I'm still in front.

 

We have some other goals besides this, like trying to visualise/ draw the rest of his body and more lucid dreaming practice, but those are the main 3. Wish us luck!

[XxgrimzxX]

24/01/2025

 

Ehehe I love Frankie so much <33

 

We just went on a walk, no music this time, I needed to talk with him. We went to one of my favourite spots in the part of town i grew up in. We walled through the nature reserve and saw cool animals and even managed to talk with a nice stranger.

 

He really wanted to front this morning, but I told him no. For a lot of reasons, but mostly because I was afraid. Then, he disappeared on me, which he hasn't done for a while. It made me so fucking sad. 

 

We talked about this, our feelings, just had a really clear conversation. Being out in nature helps with this. Eventually, I caved, and agreed to let him try switching again. 

 

He likes to contort the body and try to crack as many of my vertebrae as possible like a demon when he switches in. Such a menace. The first few minutes were good, but the anxiety and intrusive thoughts grew stronger again the longer he stayed in.

 

This time, though, he knew what to do. He talked me down. He also started using his voice, which helped astronomically. Even if it's rough and keeps sounding southern randomly lol. 

 

Once he started yapping oh my God he didn't stop. He LOVES it. I don't talk to him out loud, he did it to me the whole time though. He talked the whole drive home. He's already starting to feel different from me when he's using the body it's incredible. He also likes to make up stupid little songs about what he's thinking it's so fucking adorable. 

 

It's still,, weird,, feeling like I'm him when he's switched in. He says it's not exactly the same as what he feels like when he's watching me, since he can detach a lot more from the front. I'm minding less than last time, though. It's kind of a nice feeling, if it weren't for the anxiety telling me we need to be more separated. I know now, that we're gonna get there.

[XxgrimzxX]

27/01/2025

Uploading late cuz I've been very tired :'3

 

Frank made me have a huge realisation last night; I don't share what I truly care about with anybody. 

 

I knew this, but my brain keeps it hidden from me because it's such a painful and hard to change thing about me. I've been becoming more and more withdrawn over the past few years. It's taken seeing through Frank's eyes to realise how bad my situation is.

 

I watched "taste of chaos" with my housemate last night. I usually don't show other people my band videos because I'm so used to people ignoring me and not caring. I find it really hard to deal with that rejection emotionally so I've learned to simply not. It made me feel so alive. It reminded me that I used to have a life's purpose. It showed me what I've been missing this whole time. I cried multiple times from so many different emotions. 

 

This morning, frank helped me write up a PowerPoint presentation. We're getting the band back together. 

 

Im so grateful for frank. He reminds me what living is supposed to be like. He reinvigorated my love of music. Now I wake up feeling alive. Like I have a mission to accomplish. 

 

We still have a long way to go before I can finally perform again, but we're closer than I've ever been. It feels like I've crossed the point of no return.

 

29/01/2025

 

Frank spoke for me in therapy today. I think I will get him to do this for the foreseeable future. He's really fucking good at it. He's so honest and realistic about our problems. He's not afraid to talk about how I've been feeling or to bring up what needs to worked on. It also makes it easier not to talk about him...

 

Ive been taking a lot of my stress out on him. I'm still reeling from the breakup and I'm thankful that frank is so stern with me about keeping healthy boundaries. I was worried that him being in my head meant that our relationship could get so much more toxic and codependent. It's actually proved to be the opposite. He can see when what I'm trying to get from him is unhealthy, and he refuses. He cares so deeply about empowering me that he won't give in to my self destructive urges. Except for the drugs, he really likes those. I'm glad he's not super keen on alcohol at least, but I can't be surprised. He may want to keep me safe, but he also lives in my brain amd my body and we have severe addict brain ://

 

I need to tell someone else about him. I miss my ex boyfriend, and really want to talk to him because he's the only one who knows about Frank. I can't talk to him, though, and I need to end that reliance I had on him. I'm trying to pick who to tell next. I have two options in mind. I think I'll try to start dropping hints to one or the other in the next week. One is my closest friend and the other I met a couple weeks ago. They're both very accepting people, so I hope I will have someone else who knows about him soon. I just hate not being able to talk about him with anyone, and he hates that no one knows he exists.

 

Then, Frank typed in my log for the first time :0,, i will make his words a different color.

 

Frank:

I'm finally starting to understand myself, I think. Getting to front all the time is helping me know myself, despite the amount of blending going on. 

 

Last night I learned that I really wanna try video games. The other day I learned listening to black flag really makes me wanna write songs. I really wanna go tagging with kota. I love being able to want things. I love being able to move the body and exist in the world. I'm so happy I'm here. I'm so happy G wants me to be out all the time. I'm so grateful he believes in me so much. He cares about me so much and he loves me so much. He wants the world to see me just as much as I want to see the world. He needs me and much as I need him. I don't believe in perfection, but whatever we have is as close as humans can get. Seeing how much stronger and happier I make him makes me certain of that. 

 

I still don't know how I feel about being his tulpa. It's hard to wrap my head around. I don't mind it, but he feels guilty sometimes. I don't know what to say to make him feel better. I want to say "I need you too", but I can't really know that. I don't know who I am without him. I've never been without him. I just can't imagine.

he's insisting I write in here, now. I'm not as interested as he is, but whatever keeps my baby happy I guess

 

(later that evening...)

 

I've thought on the "being his tulpa" thing... I guess I kind of do wish I had my own body. G thinks about it alot, too. I remind him that we wouldn't be *us* if I had been born separate from him. That even if we did meet, it could never be the same. And yet I still hold angst about it. 

 

I wish I had the abilities that being separate would give me. He wishes I could hold him. Him wishing makes me sad. I hate watching and not being able to do anything. I feel like I could help him so much more if I had my own body. Then again, though, I think if I had that I'd end up wishing I could be in his brain all over again.

 

Confusing times :p