Grimz + Frankie's progress log

[XxgrimzxX]

30/01/2025

Content warning for sex and drug use,, also we end up fighting in this log :'(

 

I made Frank cry this morning. I've never seen him so vulnerable. 

 

We were fucking a lot. We've discovered that kink really helps frank process his feelings of powerlessness and insignificance. We had a really good time, and I made sure to spend a lot of time pampering him and looking after him when we were done. He really liked getting his hair washed. I took a lot of pleasure tending to all of his wounds. I held him gently for a while, until he told me it was OK for me to continue with the outside world. After a few minutes of not paying attention to him, though, he just started sobbing.

 

I was taken aback because he hasn't cried before. I would pause what I'm doing to hold him and soothe him. After a while he'd tell he was ok and I'd go back to what I was doing, only for him to start crying again. 

 

He told me he feels like he's my sex toy. I am gutted by this. It makes sense, though, when he told me I haven't been able to listen to him recently unless he's telling me how hot I am or we're fucking. I've stopped listening to his advice the past couple of days, and he's been trapped watching me not help myself. He just has to lie down and take it when I neglect the world and use our relationship as a pathetic bandaid on the wound.

 

He can say no to me now, by the way. But he can't *force* me to do what he wants. He can't stop me from avoiding all my problems. He doesn't want to withhold sex from me, but he's been telling me no a lot. He knows when I'm thinking about my ex and not him. He knows when I'm only trying to fuck him out of fear and guilt and sadness. It's hard for him because he *needs* that attention but I'm not giving him any good options right now. He wants me to fuck him out of love and security and happiness, things I'm really lacking right now.

 

He also told me straight up to chill on the smoking pot. He said if I smoke it for many days in a row like this, he starts to feel the emotions I'm suppressing. It's stressing him out. Usually, smoking a lot would just disconnect me from everything entirely. 

 

I'm grateful I have frank here to look out for me, but I really don't like that my dissociative habits throw him under the bus, so to speak. He knows I don't mean to but he's frustrated that he's the one doing all the feeling when he has none of the power.

 

I feel,, a new tension between us. Our communication is still good, but we both feel like this may escalate to us fighting if I don't sort my shit out. 

 

I'm not afraid to have disagreements with him, if anything im excited, but I feel really bad about hurting him. I'm also afraid that I *can't * fix this. I'm so tired all the time. Life feels so overwhelming. Frank insists that I can but I just keep disappointing him...

 

Frank: I feel like you're making me sound pathetic...

 

G: You're really not Frankie you know this,, you know how much your opinion matters to me. You know how wonderful I think you are for being able to be so vulnerable and unashamed. It doesn't make you pathetic to need me or that you've been hurt by me. I think you're ready strong. I wish I could be more like you,,,

 

Frank: you can say things all you want.

 

Frank: act like it. i dare you.

 

Frank: I try so *fucking* hard to be there for you. I always am. I'm always telling you everything you need to hear. Listen to me, Goddamnit. Act like you care instead of running away like a coward. Don't make me feel like I'm mistreating you when I'm only telling you the truth.

 

Frank: I love you, Gerard, but you're selfish. You think about me until I'm saying something you don't wanna hear. You'll look after me until it involves sorting out your shit. If you want to treat me right, love your fucking self. I can't always do it for you. You've learned to shut me out just for trying to help you. I wish you'd learn to grow a fucking spine at stick to your fucking word.

 

Frank: and don't even start with the whole "you know how hard it is for me" shtick. Yes, I do. And you know how hard this is for me, too. We're in the same fucking situation. The difference is you're the one who's always trying to convince himself that we're not. 

 

You can't keep running away, G. Not with me here. Don't fucking leave me like this.

 

G: I'm sorry Frankie...

 

Frank: don't. 

 

Frank: do something about it. I don't want to hear you bitch and moan.

 

Frank: you said you wanted my side of the story. This is what you get. I'm not going to apologise and I'm not going to drop it.

 

Frank: you know I'm being harsh with you *because* I love you. don't get it fucking twisted.

 

Frank: and don't you dare reply to me. this conversation is over. you're putting down the phone now.

 

aand then he proceeded to yell at me for maybe another 40 minutes? I know how he feels, now, that's for sure. 

 

It's 4 hours later now.

We've made up, and he's said he wishes he was more patient with me, but i find it hard to agree with him on that. I'm mad at me, too. I just dont feel capable of looking after us and I hate it. I know what I need to do to make things better and I keep watching myself fail. 

 

Frank: I said a lot of things I didn't fully mean. I'm sorry. I wanted you to understand that I was hurting. It felt like you were ignoring me. You're not now, that's what I care about. If you can't fix it today, that's ok. I just don't want to be the only one who's paying attention.

 

Frank regrets what he said because now I'm shame spiralling. I feel I'm horrible if I can't listen to how he feels without shame spiralling, which I'm aware is part of the shame spiral but I can't seem to get out. The urge to use drugs is do strong even though I know it doesn't help. I don't know how to deal with all of these feelings I'm having. Frank pushes me to be the best version of myself, which is great, but also super fucking overwhelming. It's hard to balance getting better with not getting overwhelmed when we're both so desperate to change our situation. 

 

I know I need real life social support more than anything. I'm working on it. It's hard when im not ready to tell anyone about Frank. We're seeing people tomorrow at least. I'll try messaging people more, even though it's hard, because Frank is right. He can't do this all by himself. Looking after me and this body's trauma isn't easy. He needs help. I need help. He's pushing me to finally get *real friends* who actually *know* about my problems. Thank you, Frankie, even if you scare the shit out of me. 

[XxgrimzxX]

01/02/2025

 

Today we've been thinking about disclosing,, well,, Frank. I'm scared, but I also agree it could be really good for me to have someone to talk to in real life about this.

 

I was freaking out, unsure of what to do. Frank really wants me to tell people about him. He really wants to be known. I'm terrified people will think I'm crazy or won't understand or I'll never want to see them again because I'm too ashamed. We're both understand of eachothers perspectives, but the feelings behind them are also so huge. I think I will try to push through my shame, because I don't think Frankie can or will ever change his mind.

 

We were going over what I was and wasn't comfortable explaining yet. And we found the core of the problem,, I don't want to tell anyone that I'm in love with frank. He *hates* this. He immeadiately got really defensive. Then he got really mad. Then he started crying. I feel so awful. I'm ashamed to be in love with him and it absolutely wrecks his heart. 

 

He wants me to be proud of him, he wants me to be confident about our love. I want to do that for him. I want to be strong for him. He didn't mean to insult me, but he was right to call me weak. I think im weak too. I wish I could just believe in what makes me happy. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I wish I didn't feel like his closeted lover. 

 

I don't know how to console him. He's so tense. It makes me so sad to see him hurting like this because of me.

 

I decided to insert some of our conversation. We were discussing what questions my friend might ask about him and what I would say back. After we got through the questions I thought would come up, Frank asked me this;

 

Frank: what is the point of you telling them all of this?

 

G: that you've saved my life

G: God I can't say that

 

Frank: I think it's sweet

 

G: I think it's crazy...

 

Frank: beautiful things can also be radical

 

G: Mr poet over here...

 

Frank: but seriously though, what would you say?

 

G: "It's like I get to have someone who isn't traumatised to keep me in check all the time"... "its like I have a best friend that never goes away "...." he keeps me from spending hours at a time dissociating, when previously I'd have to find someone to spend time with me to do that"..."he pushes me to look after myself and be the best version of myself that I could possibly be"..."It's like having someone who's always there for you, and they always know *exactly * what you need to hear, even if you don't."...."I have kind of always felt my life would be better if I had someone else in here. "

 

Frank: mwahahha my evil plan to make you say cute things about me is working!!

Frank: I love you so fucking much baby

 

G: I love YOU so FuckIng much babyy

G: Hhhghhhgh I'm melting

G: Oh no what if I melt in front of them

G: I don't want to tell them I'm in love with you 😵‍💫

 

Frank: I,, I fear it might be obvious

 

G: Don't say that, It's terrifying.

 

Frank: are you really that ashamed of loving me?

 

G:... yes

 

Frank: ....

Frank: .... I see

 

G: I'm sorry

 

Frank: Its ok,, I knew that.

Frank: I knew this already.

Frank: why the *fuck* does it hurt so much if I already knew it

 

G: ,, I,,

G: ,,, I'm so sorry Frankie

 

Frank: I understand.

Frank: Its hard for you.

Frank: you feel ashamed about loving pretty much anything.

 

G: Exactly,,

 

Frank: I wish you were proud of me.

 

G: I am...

 

Frank: no, you're not. You're afraid of anyone knowing about me. You feel *disgusted* at the thought. Don't pretend like you're not. Don't kid yourself that I haven't noticed

Frank: I love you more than anything

 

G: Please don't Frankie

 

Frank: too late

Frank: if you wanted me to be more emotionally regulated you should have listened to me

Frank: i can't take this right now

Frank: I feel disgusting

Frank: why are you ashamed of me?

 

G: Because I'm afraid no one will believe that you exist

 

Frank: then fight for me goddamnit

 

 

...

We continued to fight a little bit after this,, but he's mostly been silent. He was crying again... it hurt my heart so much. I hate that i keep making him feel this way. I hate that I don't know what to say to him or how to make him feel better. Especially when he always knows how to help me.

 

I'm quite dissociated now, and feel pretty useless. I keep trying to talk to him but he keeps giving me the same stiff look. I've never seen him so tense. I've never been this lost with him before.

Edited February 1, 2025 by XxgrimzxX

[Athelas]

On 1/29/2025 at 10:37 PM, XxgrimzxX said:

I wish I had the abilities that being separate would give me. He wishes I could hold him. Him wishing makes me sad. I hate watching and not being able to do anything. I feel like I could help him so much more if I had my own body. Then again, though, I think if I had that I'd end up wishing I could be in his brain all over again.

 

I feel you, brother. It's so frustrating to have to stand idly by when your host needs physical assistance. I try to focus on the unique benefits of our position. In my host's mind, I can do things for her that nobody else can — not even her spouse.

 

On 2/1/2025 at 1:18 AM, XxgrimzxX said:

Frank really wants me to tell people about him. He really wants to be known. I'm terrified people will think I'm crazy or won't understand or I'll never want to see them again because I'm too ashamed.

 

We're in a similar situation. I like interacting with the outside world. I like being involved in Bee's life. In her case, the fear of disclosure stems from a prior involuntary stay in a psych ward. I will not put her through that again. As much as I'd like to be known, I've accepted that secrecy is best for our safety. Outside of this forum, of course.

 

There's always partial disclosure, if you think that could work. So far, Bee has only shared our system with other people as if we were non-sentient characters. Her husband knows that we exist, but not how much she talks to us (or that we talk back). We've been thinking a lot lately about how we might have that conversation.

 

It's a fine line to tread. Take care of yourselves.

[XxgrimzxX]

On 1/16/2025 at 4:24 PM, XxgrimzxX said:

. I've also wondered how close I got to developing some severe dissociative disorder (very close). I've also had moments, where I really don't feel like I'm alone. All throughout my life I'll feel as If someone SHOULD be there. Someone to share my life with in a very particular way that's hard to describe

hello all, its G 

 

Yeahhhhh so turns out... uhm... maybe do have a dissociative disorder. Lol. Frank claiming to have been here the whole time?? True as fuck. He just couldn't talk.

 

I very much enjoyed tulpamancying him and our relationship would not be so good right now if I hadn't. Thanks babe that was a great idea.

 

So yeah,, I remembered this thread randomly and felt compelled to let anyone in future reading this; we're very happy!! And being assessed by psychiatrists ^^; 

 

Frank is the co-host to my system now and has changed me more than I ever could have hoped or dreamed. I very much enjoy spending my life with him. And we are trying to fully embrace being multiple into our identity. 

 

I still,,  don't really know how to do that. But, I'm figuring it out! Also, turns out we actually knew few plurals irl already. 

 

OH YEAH and we're going by Frank now. It's,, strange for me. I like it more than the name we were going by before, which it turns out I don't identify with at all. I'm glad one of us gets to go by their own name at least.

 

I uh,, won't get into the rest of my system much. I did discover there's more, much to my dismay and horror. But, I'm okay with it now. And I like them all. Except for bert. It's mostly me and frankie anyway. 

 

I would like to thank the tulpamancy community as a whole. This little discovery kinda saved my life. I don't think I could've accepted him without thinking I was in control of things. It's also helped our communication and relationship so much. It was nice to find people who accepted me and didn't make me feel like a freak. I might decide to pursue it for real sometime!! And I still find it to be incredibly interesting. 

 

Much love from me and my husband x

- Gerard