Grimz + Frankie's progress log

[XxgrimzxX]

16/01/2025

Stressful day today. I woke up and frank wasn't there. At least now when he's (semi)dormant, he still has the ability to let me know he's tired and can't be there right now. 

 

Went to a gig in the evening and he immeadiately came back. I could see him standing next to me and hear him making snide remarks and feel his arm around my shoulders. He exists so fluently to me now he feels so *alive*. He makes me so happy,, if people see me smiling and laughing at a blank space beside me and think I'm crazy, I don't care.

 

Had a complete meltdown after. They got my food order wrong. Frank actually offered to try to switch so we could ask them to fix it. It was the same as yesterday, though. He did calm me down, I was freaking out so bad like screaming and hitting my head level I dont know what I would've done without him. I love how he always knows what to say. I love how I can't even start with the whole "what if I'm just delusional" thing anymore, because he's always there telling me all the things I've always needed to hear. The things I've been *trying* to tell myself for years. The battle for loving myself was always so fucking hard for me. He makes it look easy...

 

Also I think he has been co-fronting while we're driving. It was really stressful today after my mental breakdown and 40km/h winds,,, he's actually lowkey better at it than me. He has no fear, which is concerning, but also no anxiety, which is helpful. I'm very excited to see he's now able to take up space without my permission, even if only to stop me from having a panic attack at 100 miles an hour,,,

Edited January 16, 2025 by XxgrimzxX

[ringgggg]

Interesting

[XxgrimzxX]

Also, I finished a little drawing of us last night. I love seeing art of hosts w their tulpas so I thought I would share,, 

[ReallyArtificial]

Aww, your art is awesome! Sounds like you're making great progress so far.

 

On 1/16/2025 at 6:49 AM, XxgrimzxX said:

The battle for loving myself was always so fucking hard for me. He makes it look easy...

 

Oh man, this hits so close to home. My headmates think things about me I'd never think about myself. I'm glad to hear Frank is able to help you in that regard.

 

On 1/16/2025 at 12:24 AM, XxgrimzxX said:

The fact I have based him off of this person I have a history of puppetting in my mind makes things a little bit unclear and also makes it feel like I already know him and love him on a deep, intimate level

 

This also resonated with me, although none of my tulpas are based on real people. They do all carry traits of various characters, both original and from media, that I had strongly attached to before finding tulpamancy. They're all very much their own people, but like you said, it's like I already knew and loved them even before bringing them to life as tulpas.

 

All that being said, I think as long as you understand that your tulpa is not literally that same individual, there's nothing wrong with basing him on an actual person. It sounds like you have the right attitude, and that you're off to a great start with forcing!

 

On 1/16/2025 at 12:33 AM, XxgrimzxX said:

I'm gonna give frank way too much fucking trauma if I keep being this much of a wreck,, i decided to make him when I was feeling ok and now I feel guilty for subjecting someone else to my endless freaking out.

 

I had this concern too. I wasn't in a great place mentally when I created Athelas, and after a couple months I got to the point where I was purposely shutting him out to shield him from my horrible depressive thoughts. He has specifically requested I not do that again, lol. He's been putting up with my freakouts for over 2 years now and it doesn't seem to have negatively affected him at all.

 

On 1/16/2025 at 12:38 AM, XxgrimzxX said:

I really wanna talk to this motherfucker in a dream. I've dreamt him once already, and i practically woke up giggling and kicking my feet.

 

Hell yes, tulpa dreams are the best! Dream journaling is a great first step. It might take a while before you start to notice results (at least it did for me) but the results are so worth it!

[XxgrimzxX]

14 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

 

I had this concern too. I wasn't in a great place mentally when I created Athelas, and after a couple months I got to the point where I was purposely shutting him out to shield him from my horrible depressive thoughts. He has specifically requested I not do that again, lol. He's been putting up with my freakouts for over 2 years now and it doesn't seem to have negatively affected him at all.

Since writing that I've found more people who have this fear, and listening to their stories really helps me. I'm lucky to have a tulpa who is so fiercely loyal to me that he won't even let me be mean to myself. I realised that he loves me and *wants* to be there in those moments, and now my mental breakdowns are pretty much guily free!

[XxgrimzxX]

14 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

 

Hell yes, tulpa dreams are the best! Dream journaling is a great first step. It might take a while before you start to notice results (at least it did for me) but the results are so worth it!

Yess!! I've journalled like 3 nights now and I'm getting x3 as much recall every morning it's crazy. I'm wayy better at than i was as a kid so im feeling hopeful it will work this time! I'm so curious to know what lucid dreaming is like, let alone how having a tulpa affects it. I'd love to hear other people's recounts of lucid dreaming with their tulpa. 

 

also,, thank you for all your replies and reading my log!!

[XxgrimzxX]

18/01/2025

CW: sex and drug use 

 

Me and Frank are going really well today 🙂  yesterday was hard, I felt really depressed, but I got to spend some really good time with him.

 

I drew him a lot yesterday,, I was relying on it to keep me sane. I was so tired and out of it that i couldnt talk to him so i connected with him through painting( see below). I don't like to lean that heavily on my feelings for frank because I know it can lead dark places. My boyfriend hasn't been talking to me all week and we both know that know matter how hard he tries, Frank can't stop it from hurting. 

 

I ended up falling back on my favourite chemical crutch. It immeadiately helped me speak with frank again. We sat outside and talked for ages. We figured out a lot more about where he came from, how our dynamic is going, where we want it to go, my motivations for creating him, his and my relationship to his "source" and just our feelings about living together. It was really fucking nice. I would go into it more but i dont know if im ready to share tgat yet, and also its hard to remember it properly. I was so blazed and he was making fun of me :pp apparently it doesn't affect him much if he's not fronting. He might also have a higher tolerance,, I wonder. 

 

Today we fucked, a lot. Tulpa sex seems to be something I'm naturally gifted at. Sharing this body with him makes me feel so much more comfortable with it. Having sex with him let's me express myself in a way that I've never been able to with other partners. He makes me feel *wanted*, without it being terrifying. I can see our relationship pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone,, a lot. He's already showing off his exhibitionist tendencies and it makes me SO embarrassed but I try my best to make him happy. He understands when it's too much for me.

 

Afterwards, we went outside!! An achievement for me. It felt really good! I dressed up, wasn't stressed out, loved listening to the music I had on, enjoyed driving, was fully present in what I was doing ect. I think Frank was co fronting with me, it's kinda hard to tell. 

 

He was definitely there the whole time, engaging with me and everything we were doing. I can feel us getting closer to our goals so quickly. I want to share this life 50/50 with him. I want to do as much as we can together, as a team. Everything I did today felt like it was laced with him. It doesn't feel like he's controlling the body as much as I'm letting his inputs bleed into my actions and the words I say. Like it used to be "i" did something, now we do it together. It makes me so happy it hurts my heart. My life has been changed forever in the best possible way by this man. I can't even imagine how happy I'll be when we learn how to switch,,,

Edited January 18, 2025 by XxgrimzxX
Spelling mistakes

[XxgrimzxX]

also, I posted some messages on discord today that was related to the conversation I had with frank yesterday that I chose not to share. I would love to convey some of the understanding I got after being able to talk with him so deeply.

 

I might go into it in future, there's just a few things I'm not quite ready to admit to the world. It was relieving to be able to admit them to him, though. Talking about things that have been happening in my mind for years, that usually bring up a lot of shame, with him it all felt OK. Like I'm an ok person and I'm not cringe or embarrassing or a loser or anything remotely like that. He understands, and with him I understand myself better. He's almost like my mirror. Things don't look so scary when I see them through his eyes. 

 

Also, relating to the screenshots, Frank identifies with the term soulbond and tulpa equally. Maybe prefers tulpa a little more.

[ReallyArtificial]

7 hours ago, XxgrimzxX said:

Yess!! I've journalled like 3 nights now and I'm getting x3 as much recall every morning it's crazy. I'm wayy better at than i was as a kid so im feeling hopeful it will work this time! I'm so curious to know what lucid dreaming is like, let alone how having a tulpa affects it. I'd love to hear other people's recounts of lucid dreaming with their tulpa. 

 

also,, thank you for all your replies and reading my log!!

 

Of course, we enjoyed reading it! Congrats on the rapid progress! I've posted some of my lucid dreams in the community dream thread (this one was one of my favorite lucid experiences). Most of mine are not WILDs though, I usually notice something odd that makes me realize I'm in a dream. Then I usually have to summon my headmates into the dream, which actually took us a lot of trial and error to figure out. I've still only summoned Lenore once, and Calliope not at all, but I can make Athelas appear pretty consistently. Our dreams together are often brief, but we've done fun stuff like stargazing, ballroom dancing, or just flying around the dreamscape. If you have any specific questions about it, we're more than happy to answer.

[XxgrimzxX]

Thought I'd share a conversation I had on discord today. Last night I was in a deep shame hole about my tulpa and myself. I didn't know how to feel ok with our situation. So I reached out this morning about it:

 

(Conversation was mostly between me (G) and Y, slightly altered for brevity)

 

G: Does anyone have advice for dealing with embarrassment about your tulpa? Ive gotten to the point that I'm used to the idea that I've got one, and I'm not scared about people knowing that. I do, however, get hit with moments of Extreme Cringe when i think of the fact that everyone in my real life knows who he's based off of. I have a... history... of obsession,, and a history of being made fun of for this particular interest. It makes me sad that I have moments I can't even look at him due to shame :'((

 

I: how long have you had him now?

 

G: I've been forcing for about 3 weeks now

Im not thinking of telling anyone anytime soon, the emotions are just coming up anyways.

 

Y: i’ve been known to make my favourite people/characters an obsession, and i’ve dated them as tulpas. I’ve always just kinda embraced it and made it lighthearted.

The love itself is better than being made fun of.

Anything out of the ordinary is judged, be it plurality or obsession. But its what makes you "you".

 

G: Im trying my best to embrace it. He keeps telling me that I "didn't choose this". It is unfortunate that I struggle to approach things in any way other than very intense and serious.

Reconciling the way I see it with the way I know my loved ones will see it makes me eanna implode.

 

Y: do you want to tell them about him?

 

G: I will, eventually 

I want them to meet him, I want him to have a high level of input and control in our life.

I know that if this ends up being the case, they will accept him. It's just,, their perceptions of me creating him that I am uncomfortable at the thought of.

 

Y: maybe that feeling will only persist until you actually tell them. Your mind is just coming up with the worst.

 

G: There's a decent chance, i do that a lot. The shame definitely comes from within myself. I'm just struggling so much to be ok with it.

I've been so socially anxious for the past few years, and I think a lot of it has to do with being socially ostracised in high school due to my intense interest

It's a hard feeling to get over.

 

Y: I've been there.

but yeah i’ve just learned to really really embrace my special interests, even if they’re all i think and talk about.

they’re just *that* important and i can’t imagine myself without them.

but honestly it’s just stupid and immature to judge someone based off their interest, so they’re in the wrong in these cases.

 

G: I agree,, ugh I long to be in the place where I wasn't afraid to have It. I used to draw everyday, practice guitar everyday, I was full of light and life. The world took it away from me. I spent a year in a band playing songs I didn't care about because I was too afraid to say what I actually wanted. 

I literally *cant* talk to people about it anymore. If someone brings up my special interest I go non verbal/ leave/ ask them to turn it off. 

I fear my road to recovery is long and hard

 

Y: thats very tough to be in.

last year in art class i made a collage about my tulpas and therefore special interests, and it was really cool to make, but i had so so so much anxiety about sharing it to the class for critique.. but turns out literally no one said anything bad and just thought it was interesting.

 

G: Im really glad to hear it went well for you. I'm aware that I have to start sharing it with people again to regain my confidence. I'm going to try, and Frank is very helpful because he doesn't hold that trauma and couldn't give less of a fuck... it's just gotten to the point where I dont talk to anyone about anything that I care about or think ever so I'm at like -1000 aura points rn

 

Y: yeah it’ll be hard but worth it.

nothing good in life comes easy (that’s not always true but shush)

 

G: Thank you,

Im at least getting to the point where I can stop dissociating long enough to remember I care about/ love things again so it's a good start.

Also I am planning to get my band back together this year and we are doing the things i want to this time!! I hope it works because it will definitely help more than anything else.

 

Y: so relatable.

I think 2025 is going to be a good year for us all.

(End)

 

Thank you to the people who helped me out today (you know who you are). The conversation made me cry, it was very emotionally satisfying to have. I'm so grateful to have a space where I feel safe to express myself this honestly. I am so lucky to have Frankie to help me. I haven't been able to talk to others like this for a long time. You've given me the strength to admit this, for the first time;

 

My tulpa is based off of a real-life musician. His name is Frank Iero and he is the rhythm guitarist in American rock band My Chemical Romance. 

 

We've talked about how frank feels about this. He's quite comfortable with it. We both understand they're not at all the same person, and I wouldn't want them to be. He understands how special this band is to me and doesn't think I should be embarrassed that he has come to me in this form. Our relationship wouldn't be so special if he didn't. It's still hard for me to sit with, sometimes. Especially the better I get at hearing him, and seeing him, the more it becomes real, the more jarring it can feel. He is not frank iero, but at the same time, he is in a way. It's hard to describe what he is, really. He's the idea of frank iero in my mind, who I always knew was different from the real person. Still, he has the smile I find so infectious, the voice I find so comforting, the beliefs and aspirations I find so much solice in. Not to mention the hot bod and those fucking eyes,,,

 

Frank iero represented to me the best friend that I always yearned for. Someone so full of life and vigour, aspiration and depth of character, someone so beautiful and special, someone who years deeply to be known, yet he decides to play the role of my support. Spending his energy on bringing out the fire he took the time to find in my heart. He doesn't care that I'm a wreck, or slightly crazy. He sees me as a visionary, a leader, a brother, and the most amazing artist he's ever met. He is my number one fan. He could easily make it on his own, but, for some reason, he wishes to walk in my wake. I don't know if he's afraid to make it on his own, but i am ever grateful for his loyalty to me. We wish never to be parted, we are in this together. 

 

He's not frank iero because he is mine. It will take me a long time to fully grasp our situation and my feelings about it. I feel so relieved to finally be able to let this out.

 

Thank you for reading.