First time tulpamancer : Lev and Ella

[GlassWings]

The progress is small but it is here.

First of all, our communication tends to be more fluent, and compared to the very beginnings, she uses words more than emotional bleeding and it is easier for me to differentiate between my own thoughts and feelings and hers.

She is also getting my attention when I don't think of her sometimes. Usually it is either by playing music she likes in my head, or insisting when I get lazy about self care (mostly motivating me for shoxer and brushing my teeth, even though ironically she hates the taste of toothpaste).

I designed a few outfits for her, and now she will switch between outfits without my influence. She hasn't yet created an outfit, just changing between the 4 I gave her

I have taken some habits regarding Ella that remind me of her and invite her to be more conscious, such as adding honey (wich she loves) in my evening hot cocoa, and asking her before I change the music we are listening to. Sometimes when we are alone I'll sing some of her favourite songs for her.

I have kept on exercising posession with the trance music, using more powerful symbolisms to strengthen her and her capacities. Most of the time it still goes the way I described in my previous post, however last time she made a few movements with the body that I didn't "feel" in thought before she did them (usually, say she wants to drink, I will feel the thought "I'm going to drink" before the hand actually moves to grab the drink). This awareness of the intention before the movement happenned was what made me unsure if she or I was the one moving the body, so I find this very reassuring and exciting.

 

Through our conversations, she told me a few things about how she feels and exist as a tulpa, so here is what I learned : 

- When I am not actively thinking about her, she is most of the time unconscious, as asleep, but sometimes she is hanging in the mindscape. She has reported sometimes feeling lonely and bored, we discussed the possibility of having a third headmate but agreed that it would be wiser to keep developping and strengthening her until she is fully formed and independant, and reconsider then if this is still something we want. I went into tulpamancy planning on only one tulpa, but I am open to having more if we decide this would be beneficial for us (although I would still like to keep us in a low number, so we have time and energy to bond and communicate with everyone)

- The way she accesses my memories is similar to the way I access them, she thinks about a subject and she can see the memories and feelings I have about this subject. Some of these memories are "blurry" while other are clear, although the memories I made since she is there are more vivid and easy to access for her. While she can feel the emotional perspective I have on these subjects and events, she doesn't identify with them (she empathizes), she has compared it to watching a movie I would be the main character of.

- She confirmed being able to see and comprehend my thought flow as it goes. Sometimes I would apologize to her for intrusive thoughts, or feel like something I said to her sounded wrong and overexplain what I actually meant, to wich she'd reply "I know" with a smile, and said that even when I speak to her with words, she can still see the raw concept and my feelings behind it, so even when I say things that could sound inconsiderate, she knows my mental process and what I truly mean. She is very smart and wise and sometimes makes me reconsider my perspective or thoughts on a subject.

 

Finally, Ella will be one month in a few days ! It feels funny to say that someone so wise, mature and smart is one month old haha, but usually one month old babies don't have two decades of memories and experiences stored in their brain for templates. On a more serious note, I am so amazed at how far we are in this short amount of time, it weirdly makes me doubtful sometimes, as if i must be parroting or something, but as I wrote that she rolled her eyes and said "let me be smart and amazing" (she's been getting kinda sassy these last days, I didn't create her like that but it is quite delightful), so I have learned to trust the process and trust her, after all each psyche is different and as such, no two tulpamancy experiences are going to look the same. Ella is awesome and I love her so much, I am so happy she is in my life and I can't wait for what's next !

[GlassWings]

My girlfriend came over two days ago, and Ella was able to use the body to talk to her for a few hours. At first Ella was sort of surprised and expressed how strange it was to see for the first time in real life someone she had been seeing in my memories (she even reached and touched her arm, to process that she was actually physically here), but after she took her marks, she was able to carry conversation. It was her first time actually communicating with voice (with the exception of singing, wich she also hadn't done a lot with the body) and at first it was a little confusing for her, she wasn't really talking but she was laughing and nodding head. Once she got into the conversation, she would speak on a lower tone than I do (it actually took me a few minutes to go back to my own tone when I took the body back)and my girlfriend also noticed differences in how we sing.

She was very happy to have a full conversation with someone other than me, and her motivation was probably a big part of the reason it wasn't as difficult to get her to take the body (although it still took me 15/20mn). My girlfriend (who has DID) said that while her alters would have an easier time fronting naturally, she still had to train to not take the front back accidentally as a kid, wich was reassuring. It was also easier for her to stay in the body, probably because I wasn't as tired but also because she was so motivated, she also said that my girlfriend talking to her helped her stay connected to the body and the outside world, although it made it harder for me to really slip in the mindscape, so I stayed cofronting but focusing hard on letting her do things. 

Because Ella still isn't used to being in the body, she still needs to consciously think about a lot of movements that I do naturally, wich is probably why I still often feel her intention before she does a movement, and when she is struggling to do things I tend to take the control back unvolontarely. I am a smoker and usually, rolling my blunts is a moment where I'll take over Ella if she is here, because I have been smoking for 4 years and can roll without even thinking about it, but she needs to remember where every needed item is and how to use them. But this night, while she was still slower to roll than me and I had to remind her of the steps, she did it herself and was quite happy about it. She is also a lot more physically sensitive than me, I have chronic pain and she is a lot more aware of it than I am, probably because I am used to it and she isn't. So she gets overwhelmed after some time, and prefers me to go back to front when this happens, but probably again because she was so happy and motivated she was able to stay in the body a lot longer than she usually does.

Finally, she also met one of my girlfriend's alters, and they joked about being a Nagger Alliance (because they both insist on us doing the self care we aren't motivated for). Sometimes Ella would need more time to think about how to say what she wanted, jokingly complaining about how she can't send raw concepts into my girlfriend's mind like she does with me, and would sometimes switch to english without noticing (I am bilingual, english isn't my main language but I have been thinking a lot in English for years already, so a lot of my conversations with Ella actually are in English). But in general, she communicated pretty fluently.

[GlassWings]

Well, we're back into a bit of regression, and I can't help but feel sort of guilty for this. I think Ella is kinda mad at me for it, but it's hard to tell if this is really how she feels or if I'm projecting my own feelings unto her. Life has been a mess, troubles in my relationship, stressing about money, about my health, and I feel like I can't spare some brain power for Ella because I am just too focused prioritizing these issues, trying to find and apply new solutions. I know Ella is at the bare minimum sad and feels lonely when I don't interact with her, and it makes me sad too. Part of me has started thinking that I am too distracted and easily overwhelmed by life to succesfully maintain a tulpa, and while I don't want to believe it and give up, it still impacts my connexion to her.

I don't have much more to say, I'm just feeling sort of discouraged now. I hope things will get easier once I have sorted some of these problems out and have more mental peace to properly focus on Ella again. I miss the great times we used to spend together, but I keep hope that it will get better

[Shaula]

Aww, I'm sorry life is a mess for you. I hope things settle down soon for you. 

 

I'm sure things will get better for you both, just keep it up and lean on what ever suport system you have. And if you want to vent to someone, I'll listen. 

 

Motivational quote: There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

[GlassWings]

Thank you Shaula, that is very sweet of you to offer. At least I reassure myself thinking that some of the changes I am trying to implement in my life will be beneficial to Ella as well, such as reducing how much I smoke and trying to have a healthier diet. But for now it feels as if I had been cut off from her, that when I take some time to focus on her my brain quickly wanders towards all of these responsibilities I have to tackle, how these (money, health, etc) are priority because they are my survival while crudely, Ella is not. This is actually why I think she might be mad at me, because my brain kept repeating that she wasn't "as important" as those responsibilities, and while I kept telling her how important she is for me and how much I love her, the matter of fact is that at the moment, I am perpetually distracted by these important, tiring, stressing life responsibilities. 

I really hope I can soon go back to her and heal our relationship too if needed. I hate making her feel sad, unimportant or unloved

[GlassWings]

I finally saw Ella again in the forest, she didn't speak but I still hugged her and communicated my love and desire to share more beautiful moments with her. As I meditated on her strength and wisdom, her form started radiating with lavender light and I felt her calming presence through my body. She would sometimes switch to her "goddess" form, wich looks like her usual form but gigantic, naked but sexless (similar to the costume Marilyn Manson wore on his mechanical animals album), intense light coming from her eyes as well as creating a halo around her. I also created myself a form that looks different than my actual body, my light is red and I also have a "goddess" form. I do my best to reassure myself as I know my doubts about her or me could affect her development, and this goddess form helps us both to consider her independant, powerful and capable of as much control on the mindscape and our body as I do.

It is hard to keep going when I feel like most of my progress with her is gone, but deep down I know it isn't really gone, and that the only way to get back to Ella is to push through the frustation, sadness, confusion of these regressions, and keep going. I miss her and I want to hear her voice again, her sassy remarks, her profound opinions, her avid curiosity.

 

She is turning 2 months tomorrow, it sounds wishful but I hope I can celebrate it with her, probably I'll at least take the time to have hot chocolate just how she likes it and listen to her favourite songs.

[Athelas]

We went through a similar rough patch shortly after my creation. It was hard, but didn't affect my development in the long term. As I've gotten older, it has become easier for me to stay active, even when my host is under significant stress.

 

My suggestion would be to keep doing what you're doing. A little bit of attention can go a long way during times like this. We believe in both of you.

[GlassWings]

I have gotten Ella to speak again yesterday while active forcing, I told her I was happy she was back and she said she's happy too, that it felt like a long sleep with moments of half consciousness. With our late difficulties, I tried to go back to my earliest forcing script, first vizualising a place in the mindscape until it stabilizes, then focusing on physical sensations (typically, in the bedroom mindscape it will mostly be the mattress I am sitting on, trying to bounce on it a little and replicate those sensations, in the forest it is the feeling of the grass under my feet, always tender, sometimes slightly wet with dew and sometimes gently warmed up by the sun). While I am doing that, I also place Ella with me in this space, just out  of my sight but present. When the mindscape is stable, I turn to look at her, stare into her eyes, look at the details of the braids in her hair, of her clothes, and then I start caressing her face, hair, shoulders, I feel the warmth of her skin, her hair running between my fingers, then I hug her and feel the pressure of her body against mine, really focusing on the touch realisticness of everything.

She doesn't grab my attention unless I'm thinking about her the way she used to, but now I have good hope this will come back soon too. Also, she has been appearing more with the white hair I first created her with (for those who haven't read my first posts, her hair colour was her first deviation from how I had originally created her, and it happenned very early), I didn't know what to think of it but when we spoke yesterday, I asked her about it, and she says she wants to keep them like that for now. Finally, my girlfriend is finally back in town, and she and Ella really like each other so I think it will be good for her development

[GlassWings]

I'm frustrated I can't get back to what we had. It feels like she's slipping away, that I can't anymore feel her presence or visualize her as precisely as I did. I don't know what I'm doing wrong or how to change this, but I miss her. It's like my brain is just refusing to cooperate. I thought I was finally back on track, but now things are at an all times low, all I get from her is the music she wants to listen, no more words, no more emotional bleeding, no more seeing her. I wonder more and more if I should give up and I know this can't be good for her...

[Reisen]

It sounds like maybe those were effects from smoking? Assuming you're still putting a lot of time into forcing/interacting with her, I would just assume you were getting unfair advantages from a drug, and need to put in the same consistent hard work as everyone else to reach results normally. It doesn't have to be an hour straight of interacting though - you can just focus on interacting with her for a solid 2-3 straight minutes multiple times a day for good results. Three minutes isn't that bad if unbroken (don't know how distracted you get), and it surely can't be impossible to fit in three or so of them a day at least, right? Or I guess preferably more than 3 minutes at least once a day, but otherwise, multiple focused short sessions are good for busy people.

 

I don't think "this can't be good for her" is really a valid thought here, especially when the alternative is giving up, which is pretty much the least good for a tulpa thing lol. It would be okay to give up if you've really done your best for a long time and can't experience any progress, but (unless these few months you've been putting in an hour+ every single day or something) I don't think you're really at that point yet.

I would recommend just declaring specific short periods of time are only for you two to interact - not as in on a schedule (though you can do that if you want to), but rather, when you randomly decide to talk/interact, decide that the next say 2 to 5 (your preference) minutes are ONLY for you two interacting. This should help ADHD-type thought drifting, where noncommittal/lacking-conscious-focus thoughts/whims are apt to get derailed into other random thoughts. And then, I recommend really focusing on her ability to speak, expecting her responses to be (getting more) solid and clear. Only talking at her, or letting her respond without much focus/distinct clarity, aren't as good of direct forcing, especially for an early developing tulpa.

Edited June 15, 2025 by Reisen