First time tulpamancer : Lev and Ella

[GlassWings]

My problem isn't as much about time than it is about focus, wich is that even when I decide that I will be forcing and try to follow one of my scripts, I keep getting distracted midway without even realizing it for a few minutes, or lately even fall asleep. Every tulpa related skill has gotten much harder, my mental vizualisation is blurrier, my replication of physical sensations is barely existant, and while I used to be able to get back on track after getting distracted during forcing, this time I just get lost in my distraction, or get distracted again a few seconds later.

 

When I said I know it can't be good for her, I was talking about all of those doubts and frustration with the practice. Even if I don't give up, the fact I keep going back to doubting my ability to successfully maintain a tulpa can only harm my connexion to her, given that it is a very psychological practice, and I am frustrated that I can't dismiss those thoughts the way I used to.

 

I still think that those problems would be a lot easier to deal with if I had ADHD medication, but I'm still no closer to getting it. As for the smoking, I don't know how exactly it is impacting all of this process. I haven't yet quit completely, I am rather slowly reducing my intake so I am still smoking now, just a little less. I also sometimes drink infused milk, and it makes things easier but still not efficient enough. My frustration of not being able to smoke as much as I want definitely plays a role in some of my distraction and restlessness, but I  hope through time it will help my memory, energy levels and mental precision, wich would also make for a better setting for me and Ella to interact (a big part of why I decided to treat my body better was because we were sharing it and I didn't want her to be limited by my crappy choices)

 

But now it feels like a dreadful loop, where I go into forcing with the anxiety of not being able to do it well enough, and therefore lessen my concentration because a part of me is expecting me to fail, wich might even have made me miss signs Ella was sending me for all I know. And the more I fail, the more I feel guilty and shameful for failing her too.

 

I don't want to give up, but it's hard to keep believing in what I am doing and I don't know what to do to get out of this loop of self doubt and frustration

[Reisen]

Hmm, concentration issues can come from a lot of different things. Eating crappy food vs eating fresh food, vitamin deficiencies (just take some gummy multivitamins from walmart or something every day), lack of exercise (go for walks! and don't sit down for too long at a time without getting up and stretching occasionally), and I imagine use of and/or withdrawal from drugs don't help at all.

 

ADHD stimulants might help, have you tried getting diagnosed for ADHD? Our Medicaid has covered trying all the stimulants so far, and the price of generic adderall (etc.) isn't unreasonable for how much benefit you might get from it if you have to pay out of pocket. Still need a doctor to diagnose & prescribe you, though, especially as ADHD stimulants often need adjusted doses or to try a different one in case of negative effects.

[GlassWings]

I have a lot of things in my mind lately, I am trying to implement so many changes in my life and it feels like I constantly need to plan my next move, plan solutions for potential failures, think about how to make sure these progresses continue, and of course smoking less having a straight up chemical effect on my brain. So I am kinda new to actually taking care of my body and each task involved in it feels like so much mental and physical work that is quickly tiresome because I am not used to doing it. I know if I keep up it will get more natural and easier but for now it feels like I can never let my brain fully rest, but at the same time giving up one of these goals would be bad and unrpoductive.

 

I am in France, my country has mostly free healthcare so money isn't a problem, it is more about the availability of professionals, I have new leads to look at but for now every therapist I have tried to get an appointment with doesn't take new patients, even though I am pretty much already diagnosed (I had the ADD diagnosis as a child, but during teenagehood they removed it for an autism diagnosis because at the time you could only be diagnosed with one or the other, not both). So I keep trying to get new contacts but that's the best I can do for now, as a last resort I could try and get a diagnosis with my mother's therapist but that would mean taking time off from work to go where she lives and I am the sole earner of my household.

 

Edit : my boyfriend does have a prescription for ADHD medication (ritalin), and offered to let me have some once in a while if I feel it could help. While I will have to wait to get my own prescription, I think I should try at least once to take some before forcing, maybe that could "unstuck" the loop

Edited June 16, 2025 by GlassWings

[Reisen]

Sharing medications is dangerous, for a bunch of reasons, and topped off with "and there won't be enough to take it consistently". If you're going to do it anyways, I'll mention a few relevant things for ADHD stimulants:

1, Dosage - many people need pretty low doses, others need really high doses. Don't go in over your head with a high dose right off the bat or you may be in for a really upsetting 6+ hours (10+ if Extended Release version)

Ritalin's starting dose and maximum dose aren't too far apart though - up to 20ish can be a starting dose, while 60 is a max dose. I would avoid taking over 20 your first time

 

2, Interactions - If you take any antidepressants, antipsychotics, or really any other medications (esp. for blood pressure/heart/seizures), make sure by searching that they can be taken with Ritalin. Don't take it if they can't, you'll need to sort out options with a doctor instead. Strongly recommend no alcohol or caffeine while its effects are active as well; alcohol has the opposite effect of slowing down your body, and doing both at once majorly stresses it, and caffeine..... You won't need caffeine while on a stimulant, lol. When clearly outside of the time effects are active, they should be okay.

 

3, It might suck/you haven't been briefed on what to watch for. For some people, ADHD stimulants just fix their brain, either calming their thoughts down or just allowing them to focus/perform actions as wanted. For many others, the feelable effect is only really of waking you up, and the help with focus is more subtle - it's common to waste time doing nothing important (like chatting online) for the duration because it makes you feel satisfied just doing anything, but might not give you new willpower to be productive. It's important to try and use the time productively on your own, at which point maybe the stimulant will help you with that. And of course, the stimulant could be a mismatch for you, making you uncomfortable (or even miserable) in any of a handful of ways, like irritability, anxiety, or other mood issues, or circulation issues (for us, it makes being sedentary cause us soreness/poor circulation like 3x faster than normal, so we have to exercise often), and of course may make it hard to sleep if you take too close to bedtime (note how long it seems to last for you before you try taking it within ~9 hours of sleeping)

 

And really, it might end up feeling like it doesn't do much of anything for you, lol. Can't say ahead of time. If you're sure the effects are barely present, then you can try taking a higher dose, but don't go past 60mg/day (usually 30 + 30 later on)

 

4, Not feeling the urge to eat is an extremely common effect of stimulants. If you're prone to undereating, set specific times (maybe even plan meals) to eat later. You can (in addition) eat before/around taking it, although most stimulants are a lot stronger when taken on an empty stomach and not eating for 60+ minutes after (and nothing acidic near taking it regardless, strongly impedes it)

For us and hopefully you, we can still choose to eat just fine - but the urge to eat is totally gone, even when we start feeling physical hunger.

 

 

And I'm not a doctor, so I could easily have missed something! I'll say again that medication sharing across the board is simply dangerous and shouldn't be done. DON'T mention you've done so to your doctor if you eventually do talk to one about it, if Ritalin did work for you for example then you can say "I've heard good things about {med you tried}, it worked for {person you know}", but don't push too hard if they want to try something else first. ADHD stimulants are highly abused substances and you will lose freedom regarding them if the doctors have any reason to believe you can't be trusted with them.

And lastly - remember that everyone has said everything about every stimulant. The exact same "X was horrible, Y was amazing" story has been told with every mix and match of stimulants, and generic versions being made differently causing different reactions only muddies the water more (getting on name brand would be preferable if possible, just for the long-term consistency). So don't count them all out if one is bad for you (nor trying a lower dose of it if you think that could help)

Edited June 16, 2025 by Reisen

[GlassWings]

Thank you for all the advice, but I am used in general to harm reduction and was already planning on this, and I had already been lowering my caffein and alcohol consumption for this very purpose for about a year now. As weird as it is, a lot of this is standard advice in the drug world (at least when you trip with responsible people), and I have been on other prescriptions in the past. My boyfriend already has the lowest dosage and I wasn't planning on taking more than one nor doing it frequently. I had another friend that made me try their ADHD medication a year ago, I can't remember if it was ritalin or something else but it was just what I needed, and it's after trying that I decided I would drastically reduce my alcohol and caffein intake and go back to therapy to finally get the right meds. Pretty much my entire family is medicated now and I'm the last one to struggle so much with just finding a therapist, but it's been talked again and again with my family, my friends, my regular doctor, etc.

I won't pretend like I know precisely what I'm going for because there can still be unexpected events, but I  have as realistic of a view as I can on this subject

[Reisen]

Was just giving you some form of rundown for if you don't get it from a doctor before trying a stimulant. It's important to have some key info going into a psychoactive med

Not sure what "lowest dose" of Ritalin is but it could very well be too low to even affect you, it's okay to go up to 20mg (common starting dose) if you need to. (For non-extended release Ritalin, that would just mean e.g. taking two 10mg pills at once)

 

And well hey, it's good if you already know there's something out there that works for you! Keep in mind there's a chance that a generic version might not work correctly for you for whatever-odd-reasons, name brands are better just for consistency as I mentioned, although generics may work just as well (for as long as you keep getting the same ones, anyway.. They tend to come and go)

 

And it's good you've been lessening your alcohol and caffeine intake, since quitting caffeine can cause withdrawals - though I was just saying when you're taking a stimulant you won't need caffeine anymore :P
They wake us up like caffeine never could

Anyways, hopefully your plans can move forwards soon, it sounds like a stimulant is exactly what you need to get your mind's bearings together.

Edited June 16, 2025 by Reisen

[GlassWings]

This new entry will be bittersweet, but at least I have a clearer mind than I did last time I came here.
The ritalin test wasn't very conclusive, the day I took it I was feeling quite anxious and my brain decided it would rather focus on my looping anxiety thoughts than on my attempt to reach Ella. This kind of felt like the last nail in the coffin, and anytime I would try to think of her, I'd feel overwhelmed by guilt and sadness about failing her, so I stopped reaching out. It was never with the intention to get rid of her or kick her out, but rather to rejoin when I would feel more ready for it now that I had a clearer expectation of what growing a tulpa would demand. I also felt a lot of guilt about my general health, that maybe it was Ella who had stopped answering because she didn't like being in a painful, tired body that limited her in what she wanted, or that it was selfish of me to bring her into this anyway (the few times we had managed to co fronted, she was a lot more aware of my chronic pain and after some time she would ask herself that I take back full control because she felt tired). For a few months I couldn't even listen to the songs she liked without tearing up, even those I listened to way before she was here, it really felt like grieving a friend.

But last time I listened to these songs, my emotional response was changed. I still felt very sad, but not quite because I felt guilty for letting her go, I just missed her, the memories of the times we spent together that had started fading off came back full force, the joy, the wonder, the laughs, our existancial conversations... I can't just let her go. She is the most deep, beautiful and intimate thing I had ever created, she is my friend and she is part of me still.

I finally got rid of my alcohol addiction, and I am still working on smoking less until I quit completely, but I still haven't found a psychiatrist to prescribe me medication. I want to go back to her someday, maybe when my body is able to do more and she can feel more comfortable and free in it.

Edited November 19, 2025 by GlassWings
Accidental upload before finishing

[Shaula]

Aww, I'm sorry such things happened to you both. I'm happy you're making progress on bettering your health! (⁠っ⁠.⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠っ 

 

I believe in you! I know you can do it no matter what happens! 😊 Addiction can be super challenging to get and keep under control, so always keep your goal in mind!