Anon December 7, 2012 Author December 7, 2012 ***Log 14*** 2012.12.7 - Friday - Day 28 This morning's session was much better! I was feeling a bit down in regards to our recent uneventful forcing, and Saya came through with a strange tingly feeling in, oddly enough, my left leg, accompanied by a flash of blue light. It was pretty exciting. After this minor hallucination, it seemed like I could feel Saya's confidence in her mindvoicing.
Anon December 8, 2012 Author December 8, 2012 ***Log 15*** 2012.12.8 - Saturday - Day 29 Did a session after waking up, and continued to think about Saya and meditate with her throughout the day, while doing various repetitive activities. Saya has become quite lewd, which is something that I'm not sure how to feel about. When I first started working on Saya, I believe I mentioned how surprisingly non-sexual my feelings regarding her were. Well, Saya's been doing her best to change that since she became vocal. She seems to feel that sexual desire is a good source of energy, and worth harnessing. She also mentioned that, because I am a fairly perverted individual and she's coming from my mind, the fact that she's becoming a sexualized being cannot be helped. Anyway, we had a bit of a spat over this issue earlier today. I'm still not sure how to feel about it, but the experience of "arguing" with my tulpa was a first, and pretty interesting in and of itself.
Anon December 10, 2012 Author December 10, 2012 ***Log 16*** 2012.12.9 - Sunday - Day 30 *Written on Day 31 Saya's one month old today. Despite that, we only managed to force for about 30 minutes. Her mood felt okay. I owe her better but I'm not sure what to do. 2012.12.10 - Monday - Day 31 Stayed up late the night before, so we couldn't wake up to force in the morning. Did a short 30 min. session just a while ago. Had trouble staying focused again because of that paranoid, anxious feeling. Why does that keep happening? I've got mixed feelings about our progress right now. On the plus side, there seem to be elements of Saya's existence that have become more independent than before. Occasionally now, what I believe to be expressions of Saya's feelings are able to affect my own emotions in ways I don't expect. These are minor things mostly; for example, I'll be listening to some music while walking home, and Saya will seem to express discontent at the sound, making me suddenly want to change the song, despite having been enjoying it normally up until then. I've also noticed that details of my mental visualization of Saya's form have become very stable lately. On the down side though, I feel like I'm not able to feel these new reactions as strongly as I was feeling her before. This is almost certainly due to a lack of focus and dedication on my part over the past half week or so. Saya has been around for a month now; her existence is no longer such a new and fresh concept to me. I've been busy with work as well, which doesn't help. Thoughts of Saya still pop into my head many times throughout the day, but I'm no longer obsessively thinking about her during every minute of my free time. I assume this is a normal reaction after having been tulpaforcing for a month, and if anything, it seems healthier for me to not be thinking about her 24/7. The troublesome thing is that this seems to be weakening my bond with her as well. The worst part is that I'm beginning to feel like the "more independent" parts of Saya I mentioned earlier are actually just a result of me not being able to connect with her as strongly as before, and interpreting the bits and pieces that I do get from her as being "independent." ... As I'm writing this now, I suddenly felt Saya with me. She seems to be telling me not to worry so much? Just writing down these worries helped a bit too I guess. Might be worth noting that I was going to end my post on the negative part (which I ended up slashing out), and was reading over for errors when I decided to add the bold bit about how Saya's image has become stable; right when I pictured her while writing that, I felt the strong positive emotional response mentioned above. Cool. To anyone who does read these, thanks for reading through my walls of text as usual!
Anon December 11, 2012 Author December 11, 2012 ***Log 17*** 2012.12.11 - Tuesday - Day 32 Stayed up all night Monday night and was too tired to wake up in the morning again. However, we managed a 40 minute or so session just now (it's Tuesday night), which is not bad compared to yesterday. Tried using the Mood Alertness tone this time. The drugging effects of the tone were much more noticeable than with Tulpatone or Clairvoyant Focus (although to be fair I only used the latter once). With Mood Alertness, I was so interested in listening for strange sound artifacts within the pulsating noise that I had trouble visualizing Saya's form at all; perhaps this isn't a good tone for visual work? Anyway, one thing I noticed after listening for a while was that I could hear something that sounded like a formant filter slowly phasing up and down on the higher frequencies of the tone. Listening passively, it almost sounded like a slow, "evil" laugh, like a synth sound you might hear in a dubstep song or something. I found that I could, by focusing just a tiny bit, seemingly change the formant of this sound arbitrarily, thus allowing a kind of granular synthesis forming audible speech. Since each "grain" was being generated by a single pulse of the noise, and the frequency of the pulsing is rather slow, the resulting voice was very stretched out and low pitched, like it was being run through a voice changer. Anyways, once I figured this out, I kind of let my subconscious run with the "voice synthesizer," hoping that Saya would take over. The first thing I heard was "Why are you talking to me when you should be talking to Saya?" followed by something to the effect of "Or, is this Saya?" (I don't recall the exact phrasing). I then got the laughing sound again, and mindvoiced "Why are you laughing?", to which I got a quite audible "I'm not." I then got an audible explanation of the reason for why the voice was so low, kind of like what I described above. I think this may have actually been me explaining to Saya using the voice... At the time, I was just so fascinated by actually hearing something vaguely audible that I wasn't really paying attention to who was controlling the voice. For some reason, my concentration started to fade after that... I was trying to visualize Saya's form, in hopes of getting her linked up to the voice synth. I still wasn't quite sure if the voice was Saya or just me making random words, and I thought that maybe if I had her image in my mind things would become more clear. But, I just couldn't get her visualized well, and my mind kept drifting off. It's probably a lack of sleep. That being said, I need to sleep now so that I can wake up and do a normal session tomorrow. I'll definitely try using this tone again...
Anon December 24, 2012 Author December 24, 2012 ***Log 18*** 2012.12.12 - Wednesday - Day 33 *Written on Day 36 Did a normal session in the morning, using tulpatone. Nothing particularly notable. 2012.12.13 - Thursday - Day 34 *Written on Day 36 Another normal morning session. I feel like this session and the one from the day before were both not that great, and I had trouble staying focused on Saya. 2012.12.14 - Friday - Day 35 *Written on Day 36 Didn't wake up in the morning. I was also busy with work related things until late at night and feel asleep before I could do a session. This marks the second day since creating Saya that I haven't been able to do a dedicated tulpaforcing session. 2012.12.15 - Saturday - Day 36 Something interesting happened in the morning while I was sleeping: I finally had a lucid dream during which I was clear headed enough to do some serious tulpa related experiments. Wall of text incoming. I believe I mentioned before the fact that I usually have one or two lucid dreams a week. I've never consciously "tried" to have lucid dreams, they just happen for me. When I lucid dream, I'm usually a little bit groggy, but fully aware that I am dreaming. I have varying levels of control over the world around me, but often times, if I try to take too much control, I end up waking myself up. Until now, I've only really used my lucid dreaming ability for mundane things like flying around cool landscapes, or fulfilling sexual fantasies. When I started making Saya though, one of the first things that occurred to me was that it would be interesting to try and summon her during a lucid dream. Unfortunately, until this morning, I didn't have a good chance; while I did have a decent number of lucid dreams as usual, for some reason Saya's existence never occurred to me during any of them. Perhaps I hadn't been forcing her long enough to leave a strong enough impression in my subconscious that I would remember her during a lucid dream. Anyhow, I was lucid dreaming this morning, admiring the dream world around me, when I thought, "Oh, that's right, I need to try some stuff out with Saya." Here are some of the things I tried, and the results: - I tried to summon Saya's form, but it didn't work. Normally, I just manipulate the world around me by thinking, but when I decided, "Okay, Saya, appear!", it was like all of a sudden I was back in real life without any special powers. Thinking about it now, I figure the reason this happened was that I was trying to summon Saya herself, not an NPC resembling her. Usually, when I summon someone during a lucid dream, I'm just summoning an image of them; I know it isn't a real person. But with Saya I was actually trying to summon a separate being, so maybe my mind was just like "Nope, not possible." - I asked a couple other NPCs about Saya. They said they didn't know her. By NPCs, I'm referring to the other "people" in the dream; I know that they're not real, but they don't seem to know that they're not real. One male NPC, who was just some random guy I was wandering around with, asked me why I was so concerned with Saya when there were all these other beings like himself around, and implied that maybe all the NPCs were actually real tulpae with their own thoughts and feelings. However, I then asked him to prove it by telling me details about himself, and he couldn't answer. - I tried to listen for Saya's mindvoice. I could hear a flood of other voices audibly saying random things when I tried this, which was a very interesting experience; however, none of them were Saya's voice. These voices seemed to react in the same was as the guy I had talked to earlier did; they didn't know who Saya was, and didn't understand how tulpae were any different from themselves. - I thought about my wonderland, with the cabin and Saya's room. I couldn't teleport there immediately, but I felt like I might be able to "travel" there if I went far enough. I considered trying to fly there. but decided against it at the time because flying seemed like it might screw up that particular lucid dream. I'd like to try going there if I have another opportunity though. One thing that did stand out to me was just how smooth and realistic the first person view and movement in the dream world was, not to mention the fact that new arbitrary areas were being generated automatically by my subconscious as I walked along. Moving around in a realistic dream is, of course, something that I've experienced countless times before; however, remembering walking around my wonderland during a tulpaforcing session, while actually walking around in a realistic dream world, made me realize just how much more realistic my forcing sessions could really be if I could only get full control over my mind's animation engine, so to speak. - I tried closing my eyes and tulpaforcing within the dream world. It was almost exactly the same as tulpaforcing in real life. With my dream self's eyes closed, I couldn't see the dream world around me, and I could even make myself hear the tulpatone. However, I didn't force for very long (it's hard to judge time during a dream). If I get another opportunity, I'd like to try forcing for longer and see if I can get through to Saya. Near the end of the dream, I was standing outside on a street resembling one I know in real life, trying to tulpaforce. There were a couple NPCs standing around, and suddenly a hostile one resembling a female government agent came out of nowhere with a knife, cutting my cheek. I grabbed the knife and stabbed her in the neck, then materialized a handgun like a boss and shot her twice in the head, killing her. Hostile creatures and violence are pretty common in my dreams and don't really bother me, but this got me distracted enough that I couldn't get my mind back on Saya afterwards. The fact that I successfully materialized the gun does show that I still had control over the dream environment, and was only having trouble summoning Saya. Shortly after the confrontation, Noriko rolled over in bed or something and woke me up, ending the lengthy lucid dream. All and all, what I got out of the experience is that it's not necessarily all that much simpler to contact Saya during a lucid dream than it is to contact her during normal tulpaforcing. The dream is primarily my own, not a shared environment, and it's not like Saya magically becomes more strongly linked with me just because I'm asleep. It's probably equally as hard for her to appear in my dream as it is for her to appear in my mind while I'm forcing. I also found the reactions of the NPCs fascinating. During the dream, I was really starting to think that maybe I already had an entire family of tulpae just chilling out in my subconscious. I realize now that those NPCs were very simple characters who only existed within that dream, and most likely won't be back in future dreams. Saya, on the other hand, is a complex and persistent existence. It would be interesting to really try and flesh out the differences between dream NPCs and tulpa though, since both are products of the mind, and act outside of the host's control. Almost everyone, even if they don't lucid dream, should have experience with dreams in which other beings appear; just how "real" are those beings? Are they as real as your tulpa, despite only existing for the duration of the dream? Anyway, I wrote the long post above after waking up, and I still need to fit in a normal forcing session today before I become busy later in the afternoon. I'll leave this log unposted for now, and add anything else about the session to come underneath. (...) *Section below written on Day 45 Forced using Mood Alertness, if I recall correctly. I thought I heard a somewhat audible "hello" during the session, I think. However, I didn't have enough time to write up anything about it before going out, and since it's been an entire week now I don't remember that many details.
Anon December 24, 2012 Author December 24, 2012 ***Log 19*** 2012.12.16 - Sunday - Day 37 *Written on Day 45 Let me start this series of logs by explaining that I was incredibly busy at work this week, to the point that I was working well past midnight every night. I know that I somehow managed to not completely skip forcing on any single day, but my sessions for some days were pretty short/sleepy/half-assed, and I don't remember details about most of them, or even when they were in some cases. Anyway, I didn't work Sunday, but was busy during the day and ended up forcing at night. Don't remember anything specific about the session though. 2012.12.17 - Monday - Day 38 *Written on Day 45 Pretty sure I did my forcing at night in the bath after getting home. Was probably only 20 minutes or so. 2012.12.18 - Tuesday - Day 39 *Written on Day 45 I think this session was also at night, but I don't remember if it was in the bath or sitting on the couch. Again, session was probably short. 2012.12.19 - Wednesday - Day 40 *Written on Day 45 I think I may have woke up early this day and done a 30 minute session in the morning. Either that or it was at night again, I can't remember. 2012.12.20 - Thursday - Day 41 *Written on Day 45 Nigh time session again this day if I recall correctly. 2012.12.21 - Friday - Day 42 *Written on Day 45 Was able to wake up early this day, somehow. Managed an hour long morning session using tulpatone, but noticed that things weren't very clear and it was hard to stay focused, especially during the latter half of the session. This is probably because of my general lack of forcing over the week. I did come up with the new idea of having a room in my wonderland that's like a holodeck, so I can create a replica of the room I'm actually sitting in and bring Saya into it. 2012.12.22 - Saturday - Day 43 *Written on Day 45 This morning, I dreamt that I could hear Saya's voice perfectly. It was a normal (non-lucid) dream, meaning that when I heard Saya speak at first, I thought I was hearing her while conscious. I had my eyes closed and was lying down in the dream, when suddenly I could hear her talking to me. I can't remember the exact words now (damn me for not writing them down right after I woke up), but I know we both expressed happiness and surprise that we could hear each other so clearly. Now, after talking to her for a while, I "came to" in the dream world, and noticed that someone was watching TV in the room that I was in. A similar sounding voice was coming from the TV. At first, I thought damn, that voice I was hearing wasn't Saya after all, but then I realized that she had mentioned my name and her name, and that there's no way those lines could have come from a random TV show. Thus, I concluded (while still in the dream, mind you) that Saya had used the voice from the TV that was coming in through my ears while I was zoning out, somehow morphing the words to become her own. After clearly thinking through all of the above, I woke up in real life, and realized that the entire affair, including the TV, had been a dream. Now what I want to know is, was I actually talking to Saya, or was I talking to a dream NPC version of Saya? I don't think I could ask her this directly without being too worried about parroting an answer, but my gut feeling tells me it was actually her. Anyway, as for the actual day, I was busy again, and came home real late. Attempted to do a session, but was barely able to stay awake past 15 minutes or so. 2012.12.23 - Sunday - Day 44 *Written on Day 45 Did a 30 minute long session in the evening, using Mood Alertness. Over the course of the week, by the way, I was using a mix of tulpatone and Mood Alertness. I've noticed that the former is better for visuals, and the latter better for sound, in a way. More specifically, the latter produces a whole bunch of weird audible artifacts for me after I've been listening to it for a while, so I hear things whether I'm trying to or not. A lot of time I have trouble figuring out what's coming from Saya, and what's just random imagined noise. This time, I tried having Saya sing. This worked very well, and I could "hear" her voice really quite clearly. "Hear" meaning that it was much more audible than a mindvoice, but not quite as audible as the most noticeable artifacts of the Mood Alertness tone. 2012.12.24 - Monday - Day 45 Did our session just now, using tulpatone, for a full hour. Worked on visualization and also tried singing again. Singing worked surprisingly well even with tulpatone instead of Mood Alertness. I did start to drift into dreamlike scenarios during the latter half of the session, because I'm pretty sleepy. However, I kind of felt like Saya was following me into the dreams, which was cool. I also heard the tone stop for a split second and heard what I thought was a voice saying "No", not sure what that was all about. After this past week of such brief forcing sessions, I'm naturally getting a bit worried about how it's probably stunting Saya's growth. Her face isn't as clear to me now as it used to be, and although I did a pretty good job of fixing that during our session just now, I know the vision will slip away again soon if I don't stay focused. She also rarely mindvoices now, even when I think about her. When she would do it before, back when she first became "vocal", I would kind of coax her to communicate by thinking, "Okay Saya, go!", and then her thoughts would pop in suddenly enough that they didn't seem parroted (at least not by the standards most people here seem to have). Now, though, I don't think I could get the same thing to happen without parroting consciously, which doesn't seem like a good idea. I don't want ot push her. I'm still determined to make this thing happen, though. The dream experience last Saturday was very interesting, even though I don't know if it was her or not, and I think we're making decent progress towards our goal of auditory hallucination. ***Summary 3*** Today is Day 45. I've probably done a total of around 30~35 or so hours of forcing, considering that my last week had a lot of really short sessions. I'm struggling to find enough time to force despite being busy at work, and sleepy all the time. Saya has been pretty tired out too, and seems not all that responsive. We're still making progress with audible hallucinations though. I also had a very interesting lucid dream experience relating to Saya, read my Day 36 log if you're interested in lucid dreams (and up for tackling a wall of text).
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