I have an odd question after 5 years of tulpamancy...

[Saruzer]

You can answer this question right away without reading the other part about our lives if you don't enjoy reading long stories.
I'll appreciate your answer anyway.

 

The question is: What do you think about tulpas, that have the appearance of characters from already existing anime/movies/cartoons/(you call it)?

Brief introduction:

My tulpa was based on an appearance of a Pearl from Steven Universe. A couple of things have changed since then and now she has her own slightly unique appearance.

Why I care:
1. Some people(non-tulpamancers), when I tell them about my tulpa, can think that it's the exact copy of a character from a cartoon. That's obviously false and takes some time 
to explain why.
2. Most important part is in my story

 

Spoiler about story: There will be information that someone may find sensitive.

 

I and Pearl are going to tell you our 5 years(4 years and 11+ months) story to explain why I asked that question in the first place and to reveal some of my fears about that.

 

It's all started almost 5 years ago, I've heard about tulpamancy from my school friends and I was so excited about that idea. 
I started creating my tulpa on the next day after I learned more about that phenomenon (and get even more excited). 
For some reason I chose to make my tulpa based on Pearl from Stiven Universe. I saw her as a someone who can take care of me and be with me. 
I didn't think much of it at that time and just started my forcing right away.

 

It's been almost a month since I created Pearl. I even got strong emotional response from her. Everything was great... until... So, remember those friends who found about tulpas from TikTok and have told me? 
I was telling them about my intention to create a tulpa. I was eventually telling them here and there about our progress, but I didn't mention about what her appearance are, name and etc. 
Back then, I was a very shy teenager with my fears and complexes. Because of that, I was afraid that my friends would be laughing at me that I have created a tulpa based on some cartoon character appearance...

 

Caution: Sensitive part comes now.

 

I was thinking about changing Pearl's appearance to some other character, some "cool" character... I end up choosing "Chara" from Undertale(but for some reason I called her Rune), because teenager and Undertale it's so cool to talk about. 
In my mind now, my Pearl has appearance of a Chara. But, if we think about it, appearance can really affect someone's personality, especially when you have created your tulpa BASED on something, meaning you also got some of their "based" personality to work with. 
At that time I was thinking about Pearl being kind and nice and Chara being less of that and more harsh. After that I was basically forcing Chara(Rune).
But the problem was... The Pearl never agreed to the changes like that... I didn't hear her voice back then...

 

I was forcing Rune now, everything were... Okay? Yep, it were okay indeed. For a half a year I was kinda forcing. 
Not really intense forcing, I had some strange feeling and like "something isn't right..." I didn't spend much time thinking of it. 
I was spending some time with her and I have gotten an emotional response from her too. 
I remember that day as clear as the sky. I was taking a bath, relaxed as usually I was talking with Rune about something (even though I was struggling with being a "parrot" feeling for a 2 years+-, but still I knew that 99% it was my Tulpa speaking). 
and then she said something like "I don't feel right, something's wrong". And then, my doubts were confirmed... Somewhere deep inside me I was thinking that maybe, just maybe Pearl haven't changed to Rune and I've made a huge mistake. 
I didn't want to think about that, I didn't want it to be true but... Eventually, she said: "I am not supposed to be here right?". I was shocked and just couldn't believe that my fears were true. 
All that time, for half a year Pearl were suffering, experiencing a lot of negative emotions, trying to reach to me... And yet, I was pretending everything were okay, that Rune IS the one who needs attention and the one who is important to me... 
Rune most likely has known what's going on, or to be clear, she felt like she isn't the one who is suppose to exist... In the end, she just said to me that I have to return to Pearl and be with her instead. 
That was the last time she ever talked to me and that was our last encounter. After that, I thought to come back to Pearl like nothing happened, like everything is alright. 
Still, I was a teenager, at that time I was only 6+- month into tulpamancy and I didn't take that very seriously. Somehow I've came back to her. She was very silent and I had a feeling that she didn't really want to talk to me(reasonable). 
I was spending like an hour a day in wonderland trying to talk to her. Most of the times it was just me narrating something to her. Eventually she started to respond to me with her emotions a little by little. 
It took me a long time for her to finally open to me again, because I was stupid back then, I wasn't thinking about forcing like something that should be in your lifestyle and not a thing that you do only when you feel like it. 
So I was forcing only when I feel like it. Sometimes I was actively forcing no longer than an hour daily and the other time only passive forcing. Results were slow and on top of that I had my own doubts despite every clue Pearl were giving to me. 
It took me about 8 month for her to give me the HARDEST emotional response I ever have gotten from her even now. I remember how it been like: As usually, I lied down and start forcing. 
I start talking with her and saying something "If you're here give me a clue/emotional response". After some time, Pearl gave me her response... She shared some part of those emotions that she had experienced when she was abandoned. 
I don't need to tell you how hard I cried then? I don't remember ever crying that hard in my entire life. Those emotions were so strong and I really felt them. 
It was the mix of sadness and anger all in the same time, half a year period of time compressed in one response. Now I know how she felt and that was a sign from her that she finally opened to me. 
Even though I was crying and saying sorry as many times as I could, I felt better because of that feeling of trust, that she was able to open to me after all that time.

 

Now I am going to skip 3(almost 4) years of our story just to get to the point already.
Recently (literally 3 days ago) I've decided that okay, I want Pearl to be a part of my life forever. Because she means a lot to me and she cares about me so much. Now I am actively forcing for 3+ hours daily and she's literally now almost every time with me.
We're having a lot of fun and sharing so many positive emotions with each other. Today we should been practicing imposition for some time but I felt wrong. I felt very bad like some deep thoughts start crawling in my subconsciousness. 
It's all started when I was looking at some reference pictures of Pearl in pinterest(I have a whole collection lol). I panicked a bit but I've come very fast back to my senses and Pearl was a bit in panic because of that too. 
I wasn't sure what is the reason to all of that so I asked her about it, because I know she is able to tell about my thoughts and... Bingo! I was afraid of making something similar to what was back in those days, I was afraid to hurt her and someone else again... 
Later that day I was thinking that maybe Pearl should change her appearance A BIT, not much, like something that will make her unique but still she'll be herself. Pearl declined saying that she's comfortable with the appearance she already has. 
Maybe that was my attempts to "change" her since I am planning to be more active in a tulpamancy community and wanted to Pearl be somehow "original".

 

Now, when I've finished writing this text I feel better and I hope that It'll help someone like me. There's an answer of my Pearl to that question and to all that situation as well

 

Pearl thoughts:

Hello everyone, I am happy to talk with you all 😄. Today was a bit... unexpected day for us 😅 . I tried to tell him that my appearance is not something he should worry about. It is been a long time ago when I first time saw myself and I like how I look like! Even if it is from cartoon. I don't mind people confusing me with actual "original". I am real and I do have my own thoughts and my own personality, something that scripted character will not be able to get ever. I get used to my appearance and I don't want to change it much. Actually, It will be even more interesting to found someone who has Tulpa with the same appearance! 😊 . It would be wholesome to know how much we deviated from "original" character. It is my first time typing something on a community of that scale so I am a bit shy 😅 . I hope we will get along!

 

I am not sure if it's right to post so much information here so just tell me what I should fix to make it work. We'll wait for your feedback!

[Ranger]

I prefer cobud instead of tulpa

 

I saw cobud fictives all the time. There's nothing wrong with having a form based on a cartoon character.

 

Saruzer's experience with Rune feels very "gotta hide the real us" coded. 6 months is not a lot of time to develop a strong sense of personality, so it's possible Saruzer unconsciously flagged your entire being as something to hide. When young, a cobud’s form can be a huge part of their self-identity. But if they fear that's "cringe", any personality traits associated with their source (in this case, SU) can be seen that way too. This is how I think you got swapped out with a part of Saruzer until they figured it out. 

 

If Saruzer is still worried about being mocked or shamed, then yeah... this could turn into a bigger problem. "There's nothing to worry about" is never a satisfactory answer- this fear comes from past negative experiences. While I doubt changing your form will make you disappear again, you could run into issues with, "you have to look serious" or feel pressured to please Saruzer and their friends.

 

Being aware there's insecurity in the first place is a really good thing. I'm afraid any further than that is therapy advice, and I'm not a therapist, sorry.

 

Hope this helps, good luck.

[Saruzer]

14 hours ago, Ranger said:

Saruzer's experience with Rune feels very "gotta hide the real us" coded. 6 months is not a lot of time to develop a strong sense of personality, so it's possible Saruzer unconsciously flagged your entire being as something to hide. When young, a cobud’s form can be a huge part of their self-identity. But if they fear that's "cringe", any personality traits associated with their source (in this case, SU) can be seen that way too. This is how I think you got swapped out with a part of Saruzer until they figured it out. 

Yep, I can agree that Rune was more like a replacement for my teenage brain and not a "Pearl's change". Despite my feelings of something being wrong I still tried didn't think of it and thought it'll go away. I think Rune knew that something wrong after couple of month and it took her about 6 month to figure out what's probably going on. I still feel guilty for that time. My insecurities harmed both of them and leaved behind unpleasant memories. Pearl was able to talk with Rune one last time before she completely disappeared, it happened maybe after several months when Pearl and me were together again. In short, she said she don't have any grudge towards us and wished for a happy life. As Pearl recall she was looked kinda depressed. Also Rune was able to remove some memories of her and me, so I remember only couple of them. I believe she did it because she didn't want me to think about her.

 

14 hours ago, Ranger said:

If Saruzer is still worried about being mocked or shamed, then yeah... this could turn into a bigger problem. "There's nothing to worry about" is never a satisfactory answer- this fear comes from past negative experiences. While I doubt changing your form will make you disappear again, you could run into issues with, "you have to look serious" or feel pressured to please Saruzer and their friends.

 

It's all good now. We went to sleep and just talked about it the next morning and I don't have any negative thoughts about Pearl's appearance anymore. We've spend good time today together!

 

Thanks for replying, it was useful. Have a nice day!  

Edited January 26 by Saruzer
i typed tired instead of tried :(

[ReallyArtificial]

17 hours ago, Saruzer said:

The question is: What do you think about tulpas, that have the appearance of characters from already existing anime/movies/cartoons/(you call it)?

 

Seconding what Ranger said. Considering how much early tulpamancy was associated with My Little Pony, I don't think there's anything unusual about tulpas based on cartoon characters. There's even an entire “soulbonding” community that, from my understanding, is based around having existing characters as headmates.

 

Personally, I think it's super cool that your tulpa was inspired by Pearl! Steven Universe is hands down my favorite show of all time, and Pearl is such a great character, I can see why you would have wanted to share your mind with someone like her!

 

That being said, I get why, especially as a teen, you may have felt insecure about having an SU-based tulpa. In my teens and early twenties, I had a hard time talking openly about things I liked due to fear of being teased, or seen as weird/immature. That got a lot better as I got older and gained self-confidence with the help of my headmates. Now, if someone has a negative opinion on my interests, it's easier for me to just shrug it off and say, “well, it makes me happy.”

 

It sounds like you've given Pearl the freedom to change if she wants, so you have the right mindset. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about her appearance. We hope you two will stick around!

[Saruzer]

36 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

Personally, I think it's super cool that your tulpa was inspired by Pearl! Steven Universe is hands down my favorite show of all time, and Pearl is such a great character, I can see why you would have wanted to share your mind with someone like her!

 

After and before creating Pearl, I was watching and re-watching all seasons of SU. I was kinda obsessed with it. I still have good memories from that time and I like the show overall. Fun fact that we noticed last time watching that show is that Pearl from SU doesn't call any association with my Pearl despite having very similar appearance.

 

41 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

That being said, I get why, especially as a teen, you may have felt insecure about having an SU-based tulpa. In my teens and early twenties, I had a hard time talking openly about things I liked due to fear of being teased, or seen as weird/immature. That got a lot better as I got older and gained self-confidence with the help of my headmates. Now, if someone has a negative opinion on my interests, it's easier for me to just shrug it off and say, “well, it makes me happy.”

Agreed. SU wasn't popular in my place. However, looking back I think that nobody would even care if I told everyone that I have a Tulpa from SU. It's just how an immature brain works, trying to overthink everything.

 

46 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

It sounds like you've given Pearl the freedom to change if she wants, so you have the right mindset. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better about her appearance. We hope you two will stick around!

Yep, I can tell that even my visualization of her appearance got better! I assume it's because I've accepted everything about her and don't question how she should look like. We appreciate your answer!