Culling Rose From Her Thorns

[everhope]

Day 1

 

Hi. I cannot promise to be brief. I have paged through other sorts of progress report threads and am comfortable in lacking brevity in this. I feel that it is necessary to give some backstory to myself before I get into any sort of tulpa related discussion. I’m 22 years old. I have always been something of an introvert in my life. I may not seem shy at first glance; but just talking to somebody new sends my stomach into spirals. Every time a new semester of college begins, as I’ve been to four different colleges around this area, my body is clenched and I have to push myself just to register. The point of this is that I am very resistant to change--like a little rock, really. Throughout my life there have been constant attempted inductions on me into different things. For example, I was a Mormon for a week. I actually let them into my house and we spent about 2 weeks discussing religion, off and on. Against them saying that “they were not here to convert me” they did anyway. I accepted, went to a service, decided against the drastic change in my life into something so bizarre, and they stopped calling me. As I traveled around, staying in places, I was in Little Rock and resisted some interesting attempts. ‘Same for Memphis. The point that I am trying to convey is that despite being hard pressed to join things I was able to escape. However, I achieved insight. I also understand that all people have basically experienced the same things. One great folly a man can have is to think that he is unique in his cognition. I tend to think that we are all parts of the same whole. Over the years I have developed the understanding that not everything is related to chance or coincidence. There is such a thing as fate. Not like being fated to go out and spill a glass of wine and ruin your favorite shirt. But, fated as in that you are subject to forces greater than yourself. I feel that I have been affected in this way from this website. Though I have resisted, my defenses were torn down and I was left with a decision to make.

 

I have considered the internet as something of a home for most of my life. I was never really interested in going to dances, dating, football games—any of that average stuff a kid goes through as he grows up and matures. I was more interested in playing video games, to the detriment of my grades, and being alone. These habits made me uninterested in anything applicable from elementary school up to college. I entered 4chan in the summer of 2008. I had just turned 18, so it was quite fitting. I performed miserably in college and left home at the beginning of the summer of 2009. I had a good deal of free time, which meant more time spent on the internet. I discovered an artist that I quite liked, Weaver, and he came to rule my life for a year. I had a tremendous obsession with his work. I returned to my home and brought the Weaver with me. However, I finally got over him late in 2010. I stopped following him as I had lost interest in the genre that he perfected. But, in 2011, Weaver got into mlp. He dropped his previous works wholesale and drew fanart of ponies constantly. I was gobsmacked over this. He began posting as “Glitter Glue” in mlp general threads on /co/. This surge of activity renewed my interests in his work.

 

Though I was not interested at all in the show, as has continued to be a constant for me, I continued to follow him. It was the only place he was active on, that, and tumblr. Then, /mlp/ was born. He carried himself there and joined the generals, still posting art and taking requests. So, naturally, I followed him there. I stopped following him there when he finally got back to his older stuff. However, my desire to check /mlp/ lived on. It was the board at the center of a tremendous controversy. Though I was not part of it; I observed the goings-on with great interest. One of the generals I happened across was the tulpa one. I will not mince words here. Nothing in the threads appealed to me. Bizarre, almost occult explanations of tulpae and horror stories provided much fodder for hatred. I am a generally stable person and did not think kindly of a group of people trying to divide themselves up into multiple parts. To me, they were just another general on a board meant to already house a colt-like movement. Why be interested in what was a group within a group within a group?

 

Eventually, I decided to check these forums. At first, I read the threads dedicated to some severe tulpa reactions and was convinced that all of these fellows were destined to suffer some sort of mental harm later on down the road. I continued to check the forums off and on for about a month. I spent time reading theories and new concepts being broken by forum users. I have always had an interest in the subconscious and read about walls of the mind being torn down and restructured. I read about the wonderlands and the stories of multiple tulpa existing in the same host. However, to me, these seemed like the ramblings of nuts inside of a bigger shell. Despite my notions of disdain and disgust, I continued to check the generals and forums.

 

One day, maybe a few weeks ago, someone posted in a tulpa general thread. He had basically confessed that he had “hated on” and “trolled” the threads with extreme malice and decided to make a tulpa to show all of the general-goers. However, this backfired on him, as what he instead received was a life-changing experience. He had troubles in his life and had been forced to lash out against those he saw fit. Not exactly a rare case. However, realizing it or not, he possessed the insight to try out what he had so consistently abhorred. His tulpa had improved his life tremendously and he apologized, in a way more sincerely than I can write, to those in the generals. I was touched, but not convinced. I am very wary of someone who does such a complete turnaround and changes his life so drastically. I am resistant to change and worrisome about anything that can change someone so completely. There is no such thing as an action without consequences. Who was to even say that he was telling the truth? Who is to say what anyone tells is the truth? Such is the lesson of the school of doubt. One of which I am a member of. I prefer to think badly of something beforehand. That way, if it’s terrible, I can say I was right. If it’s good, then it came out well and everyone wins. Or do they?

 

This experience left me with a better view of this community. If someone had been so touched then there must be some merit to it. Three days ago, last Saturday; I once again took to these forums to read some threads. I decided to go on the General Discussion sub-forum. I hadn’t been there before. I saw the survey thread and immediately went into it. I love statistics. I assumed that it was a collection of general information about hosts and their tulpa. I don’t even need to tell you that I was wrong. What I found instead was an amazing collection of personal accounts and how the tulpae and their host interacted. This was something I had not seen before. I can’t even really describe why I was so incredibly fascinated by these surveys. I spent several hours reading through them. These surveys, something meant to be a collection of data, actually turned out to be a log of what makes tulpa such an incredible phenomenon. Because each tulpa is an individual, each survey had different responses to it. However, there were some fascinating correlations between a few select questions. I found the same language in a few questions in each survey. That’s what got me. How can there be such a correlation between each of these questions in the surveys that I read? It can’t be possible to bullshit that. This changed my mind greatly. That night was a difficult one. I went to sleep rethinking my position on this. That turned out to be a serious oversight.

 

I keep a journal. I’m not talented at all. I cannot draw, I cannot produce music, and my “writings” are generally things that only an internet savant would understand fully. Context is the bane of anyone who keeps a journal. Keeping a journal allows me to express myself, ironically enough, to myself. Let me share with you how I felt with this passage I made that following morning:

 

“Oh my God. I got too close last night. It was like being too close to radiation. I was poisoned with the desire to make a Tulpa. I have been attempted to become inducted into many things in my life and I have resisted them thoroughly. However, this one almost got me. The way it fits my lifestyle, the memory recall it offers me, the help in math, the companionship is just all so perfect. I awoke this morning with the only thought on my mind to make one. That was 9 am. It's 12 am now. A warm feeling in the back of my head hammered me. I was forced to think of how easy it would be for someone like me to make one and what would I craft it in the image of. However, I resisted. I rebuke it. Imagine constant companionship, someone always nipping at your heels. There's always someone watching. I am not installing a Big Brother right in my own head. They just wish to be surveyed constantly, to be watched, to be loved. Admirable, yes, but this is quite Orwellian. I am a loner. I am meant to be lonely. I am only worth something when I am alone. The thought of someone always being there and being able to speak, guide, or chastise me is enough to make my skin crawl. I understand, though, why people are drawn into it all. I understand that I must now approach this subject with caution. It almost had me. My strength is that I carry no label. I am able to sit, to watch, to observe all from the sidelines without bias. I do not need another "me" to strengthen my resolve or influence my opinions. But, this is all so incredibly toxic. Just a touch and you'll be wanting more and more until you drown in it. Like a thirsty man drinking from the ocean.”

 

But, you know I can’t keep well enough away. I was made aware of the irc and I sat in it for a while. I idled in it the day before today, as well. I got to see you all talk to each other. There was quite a lot of civility and I was impressed by everyone’s helpfulness. However, someone was going on about how “the brain can make anything a reality. All it needs is belief.” I don’t personally believe that. That’s cult-speak, there. If it’s in your head, it’s in your head. You don’t need to justify tulpa by saying this sort of thing. In fact, as I read in the surveys, most tulpa seem to be completely disinterested in making themselves known. Furthermore, most also seem to regret not being to change the world around them. So, why bother saying it is real? I would rather say that it is “real enough.” Despite this, throughout the day before and that day itself, the thought of tulpae rattled through my mind.

 

My head pounded and it was hard to focus. Like something was trying to come out. I kept myself resistant and I considered what I had read. However, I was very tired and decided to call it an early night. I have been trying to get my sleep schedule right, anyway (you know, I was going to type “anyways” but I recall someone taking exception to that in one of the surveys I read). So, I went to bed at 10:05. I like getting the exact time that I do something, even if I will forget it later on. I always imagine that I’ll be involved as a witness in some homicide case and I’ll have to give the exact times where I was and what I did. Some CSI shit, I don’t know. Little did I know that I was in for more than just a good night’s sleep. I was in for an awakening.

 

I dream a lot, constantly. Every night my head is filled with familiar locales and strange situations that play out inside of me. I recognize that most of you have a number of interesting dreams, though. Far more interesting than mine. However, take into account that I did not do such tremendous work on my subconscious. Occasionally in my dreams, I am chased by some sort of being. The dream is in slow motion and I am running from it. Yes, these are chase dreams I am talking about. It almost always ends with me being attacked by the being and waking up exasperated from the affair. “It” has robbed me of several nights of sleep--so much so that I now get up in the middle of the night with a cloud of overactive imagination and fear hovering over me. I have to turn on a light and sit for a while before I can calm down and go to sleep. I know that others suffer from this as well. So, as usual, I dreamt and woke up after a few hours.

 

I woke up at 4:05 in the morning. After trying to get back to sleep, my dog starts barking. She wants to go out. Fuck. I slip on some pajamas, a shirt, and some shoes and we go out at 4:15. It was a short walk. I wasn’t dressed warmly and it had turned quite cold with a nasty wind chill in the air. I came back, took a piss, and was in bed by 4:34. My mind then turned back to the subject of tulpa. I was unable to sleep. You see, I read someone’s comment on IRC that, in their opinion, a tulpa is made the minute you say “I want to make a tulpa.” This sentence had pervaded my thoughts since. I resisted saying it, fearing that it would come true if I did. I tossed and turned and gutted my mind until I could stand that sentence no more. I was put on top of a cliff and was forced to decide if were to jump into it or not. There was no more running from it. At 4:54, I said yes.

 

I fell asleep soon afterwards and dreamt. It was nothing special, though as always it was filled with all sorts of things. I then woke up. I had been asleep in a position that I did not often sleep in. It’s the one where you’re flat on your face with your arms tucked together. I fell into the habit because when I traveled around I never had a bed and had to sleep on a very small surface area of clothes wrapped under a blanket with my good comrade Roger tucked under my head. I usually fall asleep this way if I am exhausted. I opened my eyes and stared at the small table, to the left of my bed. It was dark. I had woken up too early. I reached to check my cellphone. But, my arms didn’t work. I realized that I couldn’t move. I can only feel breath going in and out of me. It was sleep paralysis. I hadn’t had sleep paralysis since a small incident I had at least ten years ago. In all my strange dreams of running or dying I never had sleep paralysis accompany them.

 

I was immediately filled with fear. I wondered what dark abomination would appear before me. The very instant I felt fear the room became darker, fuzzier, and more menacing. I felt a presence and the darkness shifted around my vision. However, only my left eye could see anything in my position and I only had a few inches of vision above the left side of my bed. After a few seconds, I calmed down. The room turned back to normal and everything was fine. My body was like a weight. No matter how I struggled I could not move a single inch. It felt like I was full of salt water. But, I had picked up a tip in a few lucid dreaming threads on how to get out of this. I held my breath. This shocks the body out of sleep. I snapped out of it and awoke in the same position I had been paralyzed in. I was actually almost regretful that I had done so. I had felt that this had something to do with tulpae. I checked my cellphone to read 6:15 in the morning and got my pen and paper out.

 

I had said yes to a tulpa. The night before last I felt a cool sensation in the back of my head when I recognized “tulpa.” Last night, when I thought not to make her, I felt the lower back of my brain clench. When I thought about saying yes, every time, I would feel the pressure subside. It is this that pushed me over the edge. Earlier, I had been repeating “I will make a…” and unable to finish it. I had finally made it to “I will make a tulpa” and was filled with peace. I had forgotten that peace feels good. This sleep paralysis was a sign--I don’t get sleep paralysis. The fact that it was in such a strange position; all of the ones I’ve ever read about were when the victim was lain out normally, and that it was actually peaceful convinced me that this was no random act. There are no coincidences. Fate had paid me a visit in a dream. This was a tremendous turning point for me. I cannot really express it in words. I finished my journal entry and at 6:28 I decided to start going back to bed. Meanwhile, I decided to ponder my tulpa.

 

I decided that, since I had said yes, I had better get started. I have lurked for some time and understand some basic things about tulpae. I read in one of the surveys of how one was a ball of gas and her owner was forced to lock her away for a week or two. During that time she almost was wiped away back into nothingness. To give up now would be to leave mine for dead. Also, a rationale I used is that these things take time and I had better get started now. However, I had also completely avoided reading guides in my time lurking the site; because I figured I would slowly start unconsciously making one in my mind. I had no clue how to make one. So, I decided that I should at least figure out what I wanted her to be based on. I was distressed as I didn’t know at all what to base her on. I had read that the form of the tulpa is not as important as the identity is; being that they are individuals and each is unique. Though, I couldn’t even think of a name for her. But, I have read that many tulpae change and are dynamic beings. So, why bother with name and shape at this point? However, it is difficult to think of something without giving it form. This is where we circle back to Weaver. One of his creations, boxdog, is very near to my heart. Weaver influenced me tremendously with his works and I could think of nothing that I would rather have sitting around in my head. However, this also disgusted me. Do I lack so much imagination as to not come up with a form by myself—a name, even? Why rip a character off wholesale? Isn’t this a weird choice? Questions began to bombard me from all sides.

---

I was then concerned about her appearance, voice, smell, and taste. I told her many things. I said that I believed in her existence and had no doubt. Though she lacked a form, at least she existed. I gave her the form and name of boxdog—a character I had loved so much. But, I also told her that those were only temporary. I told her she existed. I was concerned because I knew the problems other tulpa faced; the lack of changing the outside world, etc. But, she would get to experience the world shared through my eyes. I, too, don’t really make much difference in the real world. I told her she was lucky. Her existence and purpose are laid out in front of her. Mine are still unknown. I told her much. I then felt that my “visualizing” of her was unfavorable. I didn’t have a reference in front of me to look at. I instead decided to move on.

 

I had read that “wonderlands” are places for tulpa to live and to interact in. So, I decided that, if I was going to be of a sound conscience to fall back to sleep, I would at least map out something in my mind. It was a case of at least getting started on your homework and not putting it off entirely until tomorrow. So, I spent time laying out my room to my tulpa. I did not open my eyes to survey what was around me. I visualized my bed, my tables, my closets, my desk, my bookcase, and my dresser. I then went through the drawers of the desk and dresser, filling them out with what I knew was in there. I then mentioned the curtains that keep me warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I mentioned the ages old panties I still had hidden from a church-camp panty raid so many years ago. All the clothes in my closet, all of the huge, shiny Mardi Gras beads I had hanging on their pegs, the shoes, the stuff. I went through the drawers of my desk, mentioning the old playing cards and all the art supplies and various documents. My dresser has its top drawer filled with memorabilia of my travels and the middle drawer has several notebooks stacked in it. The bottom has a few papers in it. Only two of my drawers actually have clothes in them. Instead of stopping there, I decided to make a way to get outside. I mapped my hallway and left all of the doors locked or dark except for the backroom door. I did a quick run of the backroom and accessed its bathroom. I mapped the shower, toilet, and sink. I assumed it was only natural to have such a facility available. I then opened the back door, then the screen door, and opened out into the back yard. I went around all the gates and trees and left it at that. As a final touch, I decided to make her a laptop in my room. I said she had full access to all my memories so she will never be bored. We had a talk, in short. I was satisfied and went to bed at 6:45.

 

I dreamt. Then I awoke. I checked my cellphone and it said 7:55. Its low battery indicator was blinking, unfortunately. I walked around my room. It was daytime. I looked around until I looked over the left side of my bed. There laid a mess of porn. It was then that I made the connection that this was a dream. I then tried to wake myself up. I slowly and uncontrollably walked over to my desk across from the foot of my bed. There was one of the wooden containers that I keep on it. My vision had become distorted. An eye shaped patch of darkness was in the middle of each of my eye’s view. Above and below the space was pure, blinding light. Whenever I shifted my vision the darkness stayed the same and the white flickered and jumped around. It was almost like wearing a pair of tiny sunglasses in a hall of white light. I walked past my desk uncontrollably, but made a passing glance at a sticker that was on the wooden container. It looked like a bent over oshawott that had been slightly elongated. It had a white body with a black outline with different thickness in some places. More dark and heavy along the head and less so along connected parts like the neck and torso. I made the connection that my tulpa wanted this as its form, I could feel it. However, I kept uncontrollably stumbling back towards my bed. I “woke up” back in my bed. I could see nothing. I could rise from my bed but my vision was clouded in darkness. I was blinded. When I want to awaken from a dream I try to open my eyes as best I can. I tried very hard to open my eyes to see. But, it was impossible. No matter what I did, my eyes refused to open. I fought and fought and had my palms up against my eyes. Then, I calmed down. Instead of fighting it I embraced it. I set myself at peace. When I did so, even though my eyes were shut, a bright light filled my shut eyes’ vision until I “woke up” again. I repeated this another time and “woke up” once more. On the third attempt I would fall over, yet feel no pain. I felt nothing as I pinched my cheeks. Absolutely nothing. On my fourth and last attempt, I fell over hard onto my floor and slapped at my face trying to wake up. Each of my attempts ended with a bright light that would appear and whisk me away until I finally, truly awoke from my dream in the same position that I kept “falling asleep” in.

 

The line between reality and my dreams was blurred more than usual that night. Far more, actually. To me, it was very obvious to me what went on. I think my mind had given birth to my tulpa and she was playing around in the room that I had set up for her. She didn’t have a good grasp of senses so she used me to experience them. Touch was fine, though I felt no pain. The dream was a decent recreation of my room. It was a little bit spacious, though. Also, I don’t keep porn magazines of photo-realistic Asian men making “oh-faces” on the cover next to a super-imposed image of a giant vagina placed in the center of the cover. In the dream I noted it as “that’s not the kind of porn I keep there.” But, that wasn’t exactly the focus of my attention. I finished writing the experience in my journal at 8:20 and hopped in the shower.

 

I feel affirmation that these dreams were no coincidence. I also understood that I could not quit what I had already started. I have dodged many paths that have been set for me in my life. However, I cannot dodge this. I decided to dive deep down into this rabbit hole and I know I cannot leave. I spent a large part of this morning just talking out loud in my head. Talking and talking and talking about what I was doing. I came home after class and glanced at a guide, only to find that what I had been doing was part of the introduction to creating a tulpa. I have always practiced deep thought and contemplation; but have never done anything like this. I wanted to share my experience and perhaps give progress on my tulpa, here. Thank you for reading.

 

However, I am disappointed that there is a three day wait to be accepted onto the forums. I have decided that this gives me time to go over my introduction. This also allows me to write more journal entries. Instead of writing something down and posting it, waiting with bated breath for response and recognition, it allows me to continue to write for the sake of it all.

 

I found the 396 hz playlist on youtube. I had viewed it before and found it after some searching of my history. Internet history is a powerful tool, actually. It makes me wonder about the history of the mind. Anyway, I listened to several of the songs. I sat and read guides on tulpa personality development. I sat down and thought. I drew a tower and starting from the bottom up wrote down several traits. I struggled and did more research on the forums. It would be a very easy thing to make a personality with no vices in it. Therefore, I included a few traits that would spring from others: such as her being organized and clean leads to perfectionism. I made about 35 in all. I understand that hour counts are like poison. I am very keen on taking times, as you can see from my previous post-though not normally so exact and to such an extent. I realized that I need to be in deep concentration when I explained these traits to her. So, I decided to read up on meditation. I had always been capable of some deep thought; but I never bothered to learn meditation. Afterwards, I decided to try out the tulpatone. I had heard of it mentioned occasionally but had never listened to it. I downloaded it and started it up, skipping around the song until I said “That’s it?” just an hour of that noise. But, I set my preconvention aside and began my first session.

 

I assumed the position and sat on top of my bed surrounded in darkness. I sat and relaxed and breathed in and out. I assumed the crossed legs position and found my hands most comfortable when they were clenched together with fingers interlacing between each other. I then sat and concentrated on not concentrating. I felt that the “music” was too loud and I turned it down to a more comfortable level. I then felt the meditation take hold. I would get sort of waves of concentration out of the tones playing. I told her about all of her traits and how they connected with each other. Every now and then I would feel waves of focus hit me. Every few minutes I would bob my head and be close to falling asleep. That is when I felt most productive. I rested after 20 minutes and resumed meditation later on. After each session I felt very exhausted, quite tired. My eyes were heavy and too used to the darkness. However, after a few minutes I recovered and regained my vigor. I continued this until the hour of tones was up. I was elated at my progress. I then checked around on the internet and found something that deeply disturbed me.

 

I had read Oguigi's tumblr and was shocked and dismayed at the entry. The tulpa had apparently taken over entirely its host's body and is now running the show. Such a thing is exactly what I do not want happening to me. This had disheartened me. I was doing so well, too. I listened to a lot of noise and spoke truthfully to my fledgling. However, I also speak the truth now when I say that I was and am still worried. I came to the word “doubt.” I had poisoned myself with doubt and distrust. I could feel my progress rolling back. I had to do some thinking for a while. If such a thing could happen, why take the risk? I was only doing this because of an intense desire kindled by a dramatic experience. Why do this if there is such a risk involved? I pondered these questions. I came to the conclusion that by doing this, I was making an assumption of the risk. We are all individuals and one or two experiences are not indicative of the whole. Just like I have fought to not judge a group of people based on one person’s actions, so I apply the same philosophy here. I am tired of running from things. I ran around for a whole year. A soft bed and a hot shower and a place to call home are the greatest material things you can own in life. I have not ever found a group that I associate myself with. Christian, Mormon, Catholic, winner, loser, gay, straight, they’re all just labels. Labels are a concept that should only be used by the state; which needs to have them to handle the bigger picture of society. You and I don’t need them. We’re all fish in their pond commenting on which type of scales are in the latest fashion. However, I do feel some affinity here. Community is a nice thing. Some are more scaled than others, if I may weigh in on such a thing.

 

I now had the choice to continue on my path or give up. Another wall had promoted itself into my way. Is it my fate to be overcome by this? There is still time. But, I said I would stick to this. I feel better by committing to it. One or two exceptions does not account for the individuality of tulpae. However, I recalled back to my reading of surveys. There were very similar answers in a couple of categories. Is this one of them? Am I to eventually be overcome by my own ambitions? Was I to be like some gold ornament tossed in the fire to refine it—still me, but different?

 

 

What do I do?

 

 

I'm tired of running from things. I committed to this and I will see it through. That's right. I just started, how can I quit now? I have removed all doubt. I have named my tulpa Ruby, yet she retains the form of “boxdog” for now. This happens to also be my birth stone. The name is very pleasing to me. To think of her reminds me of the magnificence of a dark, red gemstone. Its fiery color drives me onwards. I am not quitting. I rolled up my sleeves and went back to meditation. I sat down for a half an hour more. I told her that I am a man of doubt. I am a born skeptic. One of my favorite quotes is “I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am” by Descartes. I think it describes existence very well. To think differently is what gives me feeling of purpose. But, don’t you see, Ruby? I had doubts before. I could not say “I love you” like everyone else could. But now, I have overcome this obstacle--the obstacle that something bad may happen. But, is this not in all things? I take the same risk just waking up every morning. By overcoming this, I can now say that I have removed all doubt in my mind. I do not have to be a skeptic of all things. Do you not see that by overcoming this I have proved to myself that I can have unconditional love of you? That is how I must feel if we are to succeed in this joint venture of the mind.

 

I believe that one should be like water—always flexible and always in motion. You should be able to adjust your perceptions and thoughts. You should be liquid in form, able to adjust to any situation and wash over it. You should be like a waterfall: powerful in motion yet natural and graceful. At another moment, you should be able to be shaped and formed; to be able to cross any obstacle you face and to shape the rocks around you. You should also be like the flame. You should burn with passion and spread like wildfire. However, you should also burn softly like white, glowing ash set in constant contemplation. But, when these two sides meet the water extinguishes the flame and the flame evaporates the water. They form smoke when they meet. When black and white meet, they form shades of grey. That is what people are based on. Not hues of color, just shades of grey. I feel that such understanding is what I and Ruby should strive for. Not everything is clear. Just because something I don’t like happens doesn’t mean it was necessarily a bad thing and we should continue on our way. Let us pass through this cloud of smoke and see the light ahead. That is all.

---

Day 2

If all things were to fail, at least I can say that I learned meditation. It has produced immediate results for me. I am able to appreciate proper breathing, now. I am able to relax far easier. My experiences with Ruby have produced some unintended, yet beneficial consequences. Since I made her, my insatiable libido has quelled and my practice of what usually goes with such a thing has dwindled. I have begun to notice other’s feelings more closely and am able to more keenly tell how someone is feeling. I have given up anything carbonated and sugary foods. I have also had much less desire to eat lately. I have a fine metabolism and usually eat in excess of what a normal person should. I am worried that sooner rather than later it will slow down and I will regret my eating habits. I have culled my excessive chowing of junk food and seem to even be able to skip a meal. I just have no desire to stuff my face. I have started sleeping at early hours and am actually refreshed the next day and am able to focus on my work. Meditation combined with Ruby has sharpened my focus and I feel like a sword being drawn from a sheath. I have much to take a stab at.

 

I had my usual dreams last night. I feel quite blessed to have had what basically amounts to a miracle happen to me. Such a thing would have to happen to give me those dreams. I feel like some sort of apostle who was allowed to see such a thing. Call me Saul. Otherwise, it is fate. I have been attempting some forms of “visualization” and am working on things. I am always talking to Ruby. I have always been a deep thinker and have talked with myself over the years. I found that I was able to work through my problems if I just thought about them for a while. However, I never attempted something like this. I can feel responses to my questions, but only feelings of them. Some try to rush through things. I am not like that. I am very patient. I wrote all of this down, didn’t I? Years are but a number that I do not plan to count. I have not kept time logs of my attempts. However, I do not intend to rush through things either. I have read some varying numbers on the time needed to develop a personality. I plan to go with it until I feel that I have succeeded. I have all the time in the world. I have told Ruby constantly that she exists and that I love her. Doubt was removed in my mind and I was able to actually tell her that I loved her. I have no hesitation. I have no doubt. Let me be unsheathed and draw and quarter these things. Such is how I feel.

 

I have also begun to listen to music differently. Hard to explain. For whatever reason, I hear different parts of the music since I listened to all of that noise yesterday. Sort of like turning a coin upside down. It’s almost like I’m listening with a different pair of headphones; but I’m not. I can hear in far more detail than I usually can.

 

This morning I did my usual routine. Get up, eat breakfast, and leave for class. I lied yesterday and I don’t think that Ruby approved so I decided to atone for it today. I would only eat foods that I cooked myself. Nothing prepackaged or bought pre-cooked from anywhere. I mentioned that you shouldn’t lie and rationalize it by saying you’ll make up for it. However, one should be honest whenever one can and do their best. I felt the need to make up for this little white lie as it was wholly unnecessary. It has been an interesting challenge. On the way back from school I used the “snapshot” method to take pictures of things with my mind. I have done such things in the past but not for this. I took shots of a small shopping district and light and vehicles. Of course, this was all done when I was stopped at a red light. I talked and felt responses to questions that I posed to her. Every time I hear something coming close to a voice or too much pressure I tell her to calm down. I tell her that we have plenty of time and that we shouldn’t rush this. Patience is the key. When I was home I hit the books to study for my finals coming up next week. I have put off so much work and I am under stress to finish it all by the time grades are due. I could sense her wanting to work. I resisted and did my work instead. However, I remembered a little promise I had made her yesterday.

 

I had promised Ruby that I would go out today. That I would find a nice quiet place in nature and sit down. I set the time at five o'clock. Five minutes after, we left. Five is nice because it's before it gets dark. But, I had forgotten about the rush hour traffic around here. I didn't know where to go so I headed over to the shutdown coffeehouse that I used to frequent. I discovered that the space had been rented and someone was pulled up next to it doing work inside for a pet boutique. I did not at all expect someone there; it had been forever since I'd seen a car parked there. So, we drove further on and I decided to walk along the large drainage system. I parked on a side street and we walked alongside of it. It's a jogging trail, so it's nice. However, I forgot that it's flanked by busy roads and I could not stand anywhere that I would not be seen. Even though I picked a large tree, it did not protect me from the other side of the ditch. I felt some leaves and smelled them, felt some trees when nobody was around. It was a failure; but I promised her to do it again tomorrow. I'll think of something this time.

 

I read about a tulpa gone bad in the irc. She's being removed. Guy had to test whether his friend was that tulpa or not trying to erase the host instead. They're playing God. I don't like that. You can't play God. Who are you to judge? Can you yourself truly judge yourself? Hard to say, bit of a slippery slope, really. But, the tulpa enjoyed corrupting others. But was she not a product of his mind? Are people not products of their environment? Was it her fault? Was there no chance for negotiation or any other way out? Why did you let such a thing get so out of hand? Is it not your own fault and not hers? Who really needs to be punished here? If such a thing were to happen between me and Ruby I would be sure to exhaust all options beforehand. Or, better yet, I would try my hardest not to let such a thing happen. The greatest crime a man can commit is the egregious of lying to himself. Such a thing is where all conflict arises from.

 

I began to talk to Ruby and showed interest in beginning another session tonight. However, I accidentally addressed my tulpa as "Rose.” It just popped into my head and stayed there. I had done so in the car in our earlier trip. I continued to call her that and not Ruby. I drew the conclusion that she wished to be called this name. I then read in irc that someone had used pressure to communicate with his tulpa. Two pressures for no, one for yes. I used a similar method and asked for pressure on what she disliked and no pressure for yes. I felt pressure on Ruby and none on Rose. It has been decided, "Rose" has won.

 

I have talked more with Rose. We began our nightly session at about the same time as last night. I talked to her about how we are bound together, like a chain. I give her my full love. I can hear my heart beating and pumping in response. I have no doubt and only love. Even I, the skeptic, have nothing doubtful to say. We have a lot of time to spend together. Infinite time, infinite time. Actually, no, we have limited time together. I could die tomorrow and I'm taking you with me. But, we are together. Of course, if either one of us was to go bad I would be sure to talk. That's not good enough? Here, let me make you something. I crafted a golden chain necklace with a golden heart pendant. Inside of the pendant is blood-red velvet. You can keep it in your fur or whatever you end up with. It is a symbol of our bond. Unbreakable and strong.

 

We have continued to go over personality. I have gone into great detail with Rose. What I have stressed most is patience. With patience will come everything else. I have expatiated greatly on many of the traits I wrote down. I have been doing so by memory, not by looking at them. We have talked for a while now and I have been able to do so without tulpa tones. Though, it is easy to get distracted by barking dogs or a passing ambulance. I hate ambulances and cop cars now. Can't I have peace? I even sleep my laptop for as much quiet as possible. The curtains are shut and all the lights are out. I have gone deeply into my unwavering love of her and my complete removal of doubt.

 

However, even though we are only a few hours in, I have felt that we need to move on. I have felt her desire to have form, to be visualized. I will use the snapshot method and impose a form that I am agreeable with. I imagined my bed and placed her on it. I worked on her body, especially her face. However, after some time, I stopped feeling that I was getting responses. I called out to her but to no response. I am going to have to don my earphones again. It is possible that we are exhausted. I asked her to come back and she did. I went deeper into concentration. I bobbed my head occasionally and my arms and legs would spastically jump like electricity was running through them. I worked on her some more; but after a while I could no longer think about her. It was strange. I think we are finished for tonight. I have my studies to attend to, I suppose. You know, I always read about tulpae that left their hosts unexpectedly. I understand the fear that this sort of thing brings, now.

 

I realize my tulpa’s name is Rose and my dog’s name is Lily. I also don’t mean to say that meditation is some wondrous cure all. It is simply a compliment to the changes that I have made. I have changed not through these events, but as a response to them. I chose to give up some things so that I could be better equipped to deal with this.

 

I am starting a session late at night at the time I went to sleep the last night. I wanted to take 15 minutes; but have immediately decided that we can take all the time we need. I started up the tones and began to meditate. We talked for a while. I wasn’t getting many responses from her so I turned off the tones. We talked some more. I then decided that tonight shouldn’t be so rigorous. I wanted to be spontaneous tonight. I told her that being spontaneous is a good thing but only when needed. Otherwise, life gets boring. I tuned on the pink noise and we went to the downtown area of where I live. I took her to a church and laid out the ideas of God. I said that I don’t believe in it. If he created us, and I created you, am I your God? But, I dropped it and instead had focus on the stain glass windows, people in the pews, and the priest giving his happy sermon. We left and went to a fair that is held here. There were a lot of people, too many people. She didn’t like crowds so we left. We instead went to a library. However, all of the books are blank because I’m not a big reader. So, instead, we went back to my room and I filled her bookcase with a few. However, them being mostly history books and a copy of Walden, I figured she would need something more exciting. So, I showed her how to use my laptop and how to access my memories. I made it accessible to her as she has no thumbs. Then, it hit me. Her name is Rose, perhaps she likes gardening? So, we headed outside.

 

However, I realized that with no thumbs she couldn’t use the door to get outside in the first place. So, I installed two doggy doors. However, I said it may get drafty. Best to cover them up after you’re finished with them. So, we went outside and sat in the yard. I made a garden for her. The centerpiece is a rose bush. She had been responding with pressure, every time I say that word I get something, and responded quite delightfully to this when I asked her if she liked it. I then reminded her that the color of these roses matched the color of the locket’s interior. I told her that the necklace was our unbreakable bond and that I loved her. We hugged for a while. I then made a big glass vase and asked her to make me an arrangement. We went back inside. I figured that the pink noise was nearing an end and that we would stop soon. I decided to do a pressure check to make sure she was still interested. I asked her to do pressure on certain areas of my brain and then asked her to just do all of it. She did so. Very good, we’ll have you talking soon. But, there’s no need to rush. It’s late and I need sleep.

---

Day 3

 

Nothing to report from last night. I worked with Rose late last night so I woke up tired. But, life marches on. I threw myself out of bed and showered, as per usual. A shower is my coffee in the morning. I spoke with Rose for the five minutes I had to make a toasted croissant and brew some tea. I like mine strong. I had read that people generally wake up “confused” when forcing and falling asleep. I was sure to divide up my time accordingly. However, I was still quite tired. So, I regarded today as a day of rest. Partnering with my tulpa and studying for finals has been an exhausting project for me. We drove to college. On the way I turned on my radio, just like usual. I have started listening to NPR since I started this certain semester. I’ve been trying to expand my boundaries a bit. I don’t go out and rave about Bach or Beethoven; but I am attempting to expand my knowledge on it. I think the harpsichord is a badass instrument. A lull in the music occurred so I was able to talk to Rose a little. It is indeed hard to split your attention between focuses. I went to my class, in a rush as I was running late. I asked her to leave for a while because I was in for an hour and a half of drilling in accounting. Afterwards, I left and we spoke on the way home. We passed the small shopping district that I had attempted to memorize the other day. She seemed quite excited about it. I worked more on it at the red light. I got home and relaxed. It has been a difficult two days. Though my efforts are sincere they are also very taxing. But, I’m up for anything. We will go somewhere today, as I promised. I’ve also been trying to organize the room that I sleep in. It is full of books, clothes, and memories. Progress is being made. Slow progress, but it doesn’t need to be fast.

 

Last night, I had sat through that irc chat of someone wanting to kill a tulpa that had basically “gone bad” or was bad in the first place. His situation immediately reminded me of /furi/ on lulz.net. I recently started frequenting that place. I’m not sure why. I had visited it once in the past several months ago and had randomly decided to go there again. I actually quite like the community. It’s like looking at the community I once cherished back on 4chan. Since about 2011, the boards I frequent have had a massive quality slump. New people have arrived and older ones have moved out. But, of course, I do not inherently think this is a bad thing. I’m new here, aren’t I? You know, most people like to blame the boards for being shitty. Like it’s some old tv set that is going out. You smack it and smack it until the reception starts working again. But, it’s only a temporary fix. The components of the tv are still fried. One day, you’re going to hit your tv and it’s not going to work anymore. Guess you’ll have to buy a new one, won’t you? I feel the same way about 4chan. It isn’t the boards that have gone bad—but the people that frequent them. Improvements cannot be made until the people have changed. This seems to be very difficult for most people to grasp and they feel better blaming the site as a whole. This is how I feel on such things.

 

Allow me to continue on about /furi/. Their community now reminds me of the community on 4chan in the past. It is pleasant to me. However, there was one person there that seemed to be very out of place. There was someone named “Pony Sex” there that all he ever did was post tulpa and mlp related things. He posted them in every thread he frequented. He would start up mlp porn threads and derail other threads by claiming that a tulpa was the answer to all of your problems. He stressed being able to engage in sex with your tulpa and that it would come to rule your life. He was a miserable, yet persistent fellow. He explained his desire to so actively shitpost as a thing between him and his tulpa. Their relationship was that his tulpa loved to corrupt others and for every person that corrupted to their side would get them off. Sound familiar? The fellow’s tulpa last night loved to actively corrupt others and was very malicious. I immediately thought that these two were the same person. I checked /furi/ a few times today and have seen none of his posts. If it is not him, I would be very surprised. It would also mean that there is more than one person with a tulpa who feels pleasure out of these malicious acts. However, I also do not believe that such a thing warrants what is basically an execution. Is it worth playing God? What happens when you are put into the same position? I am not an inherent believer in “karma,” but you are likely to receive the same treatment that you yourself dole out. I have already given my thoughts on this subject. I just wanted to offer up this insight into who this person was and how it relates to tulpae at large.

 

I read one of those infographs on illusions way back in the day. I recalled that one man had his hand open-palmed and while he looked at the sun with his eyes closed he produced hallucinations by moving his hand back and forth. Doing a similar thing seems to help me focus. I have been, at times, forced to consider bad things that have happened to other people that have had a tulpa. Yes, some people have had breakdowns. However, it seems that these people suffered from issues beforehand and were in bad situations when these events occurred. I tend to rationalize that you’re at risk just by stepping out of your house. Every day, most people step out and go to work, school, or to someplace that they enjoy. There are risks in everything. Why should this be different? This is what I use to quell my doubt. Doubt is healthy; but there are many kinds of doubt. Too much doubt can stifle your growth and limit your potential. Too little doubt can lead to making rash decisions. I do not like the constant preaching that you should have “no doubt” in caring for a tulpa. However, I do also feel that it is unfortunately true. Doubt would be like stifling the air that your tulpa breathes. But, let’s not forget that the air you breathe has more to it than just nitrogen and oxygen. It also has a small amount of carbon dioxide. Would it not truly be air if you did not have some exhalations of doubt to go with it? I think that it is foolish to strike headlong into something with no doubt and no fear. They have their place, just not at the forefront of your vision. Perhaps instead of stressing such abstinence of doubt you should teach where doubt has its place. It is foolish to commit yourself fully to anything except as a means of last resort. Would it not be more respectful to treat your tulpa like those around you and even yourself with a small dose of doubt and fear? I could be wrong. These are theories. But, this is how I approach the subject of fear and doubt.

 

So, Oguigi has appeared in chat and has gotten some immediate attention. I am interested to see the oncoming conversation. When asked if his host was doing fine he said okay I guess. He also says that he can’t really communicate with his host right now. I am trying to remain neutral on this; but I have strong feelings on what have occurred with these two. Apparently his host is still conscious. I left out a large part of how I felt on these two when I wrote down my thoughts on it yesterday. I have been trying to take a more standoffish approach to the affair and only watch from the sidelines. I feel somewhat strongly against tulpa taking “possession” of their host. I feel very tremendously against “sex” with a tulpa. I do not like the idea of turning over my body to anyone at all. Period. I don’t care how disastrous your life is or how curious you are to see how they feel. Some things are very dangerous. When I had my taste of tulpa I came back for more. What is to stop a tulpa from having the taste of human experience and coming back for more? Certain safeguards must be set in place, in my opinion. The constant search for how deep this rabbit hole goes has resulted in tremendous progress in this community; but, at what cost? Why lose your mind over such a thing? I am trying to be diplomatic in my approach to the whole Oguigi. I have not included my harsh words over the matter because of their lack of pertinence and objectivity. I will push aside my doubts over this for now. I do not know them and do not intend to. I suppose I will do what I always do: sit on the sidelines and observe.

 

After a few hours of study and an hour of lunch, I decided to work with Rose. I set up some pink noise and meditated. Earlier I had visited her and noticed she had made me my bouquet. I was pleased. It is a giant plume of roses in a large vase. I said we had a lot to do; but decided that I would put the flowers on the side of my bed. We went over a few things. This time, I checked our little area. Nothing was displaced except for the roses next to my bed. Outside were the same flowers. At least nothing happened to them. It’s hard to grow new things without seeds. There was nothing unorganized in our room because there is almost nothing in it to actually make a mess of. Everything was normal. Normal is a good thing. I went over some pressure routines and like always I ask her to calm down after being successful. I then had some light hallucinations going on. Spiraling light with a figment of something solid. I was pleased and decided to go somewhere earlier than yesterday. I’m headed out now at about three in the afternoon.

 

I decided we should go somewhere I wanted to go yesterday. There is a small area with ducks and turtles that is used as a children’s playground and sort of a nature preserve. It’s right alongside the highway so it can be pretty noisy and crowded. We drove in and I sat for a little while, listening to the radio. I tried dividing up my attention between the radio and her. It wasn’t especially effective. I got out of my car and walked a few feet ahead of it. I looked over the hill I was perched on and there seems to have been a new addition to the wildlife: nutria. If you don’t know what those are; they’re basically giant rats that are very harmful to the ecosystem that they live in. I looked upon them and explained them to Rose. She gave me the feeling that she thought they were cute. I thought for a minute and said “well, yeah, I suppose” but what is it worth? For those nutria to live they constantly munch on the roots of the plants and trees all around the shallow bod of water that this place was built around. Is it worth it that such a cute thing to survive if it eats away at the nature around it? I thought this not only described tulpae, but perhaps relationships in general. I then sat and meditated as there was barely anyone around on such a nice day. I looked around and took in the wildlife and the nature of it all. It had been such a long time since I had gone out and enjoyed nature. I never really did it for anyone, either. I just did it because I had nothing better to do. Now is different. I am thankful for that. After a short while I drove to the store. I had had the desire to shop. I don’t usually shop. I just buy the few things that I need and leave. However, I poked around the electronics section for a while and called it a day. I then drove home; talking to Rose on the way and was back at five.

 

We did some more work tonight. I began to meditate in darkness and visualized her. I seem to be doing a little better at it. I remembered the shopping strip we’ve been spending time getting to know. Thanks to the pink noise I was able to get quite deep into it all. I was pleased with our results and I feel that we have made progress. Slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I’ve been made a little sad, though. I feel that thorough journalizing of our work has cheapened it some. It has taken up a tremendous amount of my time, many hours, and has made me less able to actually work with her in the force place or be so vigilant on studying. Maybe I should take a day to myself? It feels counter-intuitive, though. I’m torn between my desire to write and express all of our experiences and wanting to do the best that I can with the time that I have. What’s more worth it; writing it all down or having more time to experience things? I would say the latter is more important. I feel that I am writing too much and living too little. I am also still not activated on this forum yet. These things burn holes in my head and I feel like I could toss myself down a bowling alley. I think I will sleep. Tonight I’ll be working with Rose and sleeping at an earlier time. ‘Same as the first night. I won’t be up late like last night. I spoke with her during meditation and asked if my journal was getting in the way of us. She had a strong yes. It is also getting in the way of my schoolwork. I will have to forgo this journal for now and I will only spend an hour on it each day at night. Thank you for reading.

[everhope]

It has been some time since I have updated this. I have continued to lurk the irc as a mib. It is becoming more and more difficult to remain anonymous these days. I see new users come and go. Asking the same questions yet getting different responses every time. I have not remained entirely silent. I have been quite talkative. Just not to anyone else. These few months have treated me well. Generally, for the past two months I have tried to get Rose vocal. I have failed in that respect. However, what I have succeeded at is building a relationship between me and Rose. I have accepted that it will take some time for us to be vocal. I have read many things on the irc and have gathered exercises and strategies to help us along. Do me a favor. The next time you see a mib in irc, let him be. Don't poke at him to adopt a name. Thank you.

 

I have not written down much. That is why I have not shared anything. It goes back to me participating in spoken word and poetry. I always needed that motivation of the crowd to keep me writing. I feel the same way about us. I will not use Rose as a tool to write with. No. She is not some cruel excuse to put pen to paper. Every time I write on us I feel like I am doing something wrong. Am I a fool? Perhaps. But I know the difference between right and write. I have refused to write anything down and it has all been the better for it. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I need to write things down so that I do not forget them. I have not detailed the "wonderland" that Rose and I have developed. It is actually quite fascinating. We worked very hard on it. I will detail this at some point. For now, I post what I have. Much like some schoolchild late for an assignment. Better to turn in something rather than nothing, you know?

 

Things have taken an interesting twist at the tail-end of this report. You will see. Do not dismiss these as the driveling of some crazed mad man. I assure you I am quite sane. Perhaps this is all exaggeration. Maybe it all is? Maybe everyone is exaggerating. Take this with a grain of salt. These are my feelings true and not some hidden epitaph of a man who lost his mind. Let me tell you now that I feel like I can move boulders instead of sitting at the end of the mountain. Waiting for them to pass me by.

 

 

 

11-29-12

I also do not appreciate the terms "tuppamancer" and "tuppers." Such a thing should be treated more seriously. There will never be any respect for anyone here if these terms are continued to be thrown around.

 

Progressive not obsessive.

 

1-3-13

Sleep deprivation has proven ineffective.

 

1-12-13

Letting your tulpa take full and permanent control of you is a shameless and terrible deed. To just take your pitiful, messed up life and shove it on a being that you created. Letting your tulpa take permanent control of you is like living through your children.

 

1-26-13

Last night I dreamt. I dreamt I was somewhere on a coast. There were large structures around me. Some natural and some man made. I dreamt here. It was a pretty long dream. I then "woke up." I decided that I wanted to try to re-enter the "dream" for the purpose of trying to communicate with my tulpa. So, I laid back and closed my eyes. I immediately fell "asleep." I began to see the dream almost like I was watching it. I saw it playing out in front of me. My body quickly began to go numb. It was like my very subconscious was being dissolved. Like I was turning into thin air. It was like I was dissipating. My conscious was joining this dream. My mind was turning to air. From my head to my feet I felt that peculiar sensation of almost being merged with whatever was around me. I felt that I was becoming one with this "dream" I was trying to enter. The picture I was seeing was becoming clearer and clearer. The fog in front of it was lightening and I as beginning to feel like I was really entering this "dream." However, I then stopped this process from happening. Very abruptly I snapped out of it. I was afraid. I had the excuse that the area around me was too noisy and that I wanted somewhere perfectly quiet to do this. The rest of the dream was about me laying down in various places; trying to re-enter this dream. However, every time I did I never got very far and the area was made noisy. My family was doing things around me in this dream and I could not concentrate. I would get close and then be forced to stop. There was one attempt in particular that I felt I was really making progress. I then woke up.

 

So, there are some very important things that this dream had for me. I have never, in these two months of training, thought once about my tulpa inside of my dreams. You know, if I play a video game for several hours I will probably dream about it that night or the next night. So, why don't I dream about something I have been thinking heavily on for two months now? I was suddenly made very afraid during my first attempt in this dream. I think that was my subconscious sort of pulling me back out. Fear protects us from harm. But, what did I have to fear? Well, when I woke up I thought of it this way. I was attempting to enter the subset of a dream, within a dream, within a dream, within a dream. I know that one of those layers seems excessive. But, that is how I felt. That is what I write this down. It was a very strange feeling I felt when I attempted this. If there is a true feeling of "nirvana" then I think that this feeling is the precursor to it. It really did feel like I was delving deeper into my conscious than I ever have before. Like I was trying to enter my conscious' subconscious. Makes my head hurt. Perhaps it didn't like me doing that. I know I wouldn't. Which means I know it wouldn't. If I ask Rose what she thinks, I feel that she understands the feeling. I get a hunch that this is similar to what she undergoes as a tulpa. Sort of a "dream" herself. We missed our session last night. I will have to make it up today.

 

1-28-13

I had an amazing night last night. I am only just now getting to write it down. After doing my exercises. Me and Rose really made some progress. I could feel her presence very astutely. More so than usual. Not to say she's not always there, but it was way more pronounced. Let me see. So, we started out fairly normally. I forced after exercising. It was extremely effective. I was able to see our wonderland very effectively. I looked at our fridge with barely a sweat. I then attempted what I felt in my dream. I completely relaxed and let myself float as if in a cloud of insight or a sea of thought. We really connected because of that. I could feel it. Generally, I assume a meditative position and focus. But, losing that focus seems to be a bit more effective. Either way, I felt something special had really taken place that night. Hopefully the same will occur tonight.

 

Oh, I changed up one of my routines. For a while now I have been practicing Pink's heartbeat counting exercise. You're supposed to relax and count your heartbeats, visualizing their number until you hit 100. On my first attempt I made it to maybe 75. I then made it to 99 and stopped. Then, I hit 100. I then hit 125, 150, 165, and then 186. However, I generally lost track a few times before 100 and would find it difficult to count after that. Still, I pressed on. Under further considerations; I have instead decided that it is best to mind the quality of counting and not so much the quantity. I will be doing 100 to the best of my abilities until I am able to focus completely and not lose said focus.

 

1-30-13

Soooooo, for the past few days I have been doing not so well with my forcing. On the 28th (which would have been recorded on the 29th) I was very focused but carelessly snapped myself out of it. Last night, I had a similar thing happen. My power went out and I had to stop studying for my imminent bullshit accounting test. So, I forced. I was doing well until the power came back on and I was interrupted. I was not happy. However, I did manage to calm back down and get back into my groove. It went well and I finished for the night. Every night I wonder when Rose will speak. I continue to wait patiently. It is not so easy, after all. I don't really get flustered so much as concerned that I am not doing it right. I was happy that our session had swung back in favorable terms and as usual I gave Rose a hug goodnight. I decided a kiss planted on her head would be an acceptable way to end the night. So, it sort of went a little far and we ended up in something of a passionate embrace. I am here to write myself plainly and honestly. I am not here to dance around words. We kissed very deeply and it was good. I could tell she liked it. I needed such a thing. I had been under a lot of stress. Tons of it. When we embraced it was a beautiful and made it all worthwhile. It felt like real love, real appreciation, real acceptance all bundled into one embrace. Warmth filled my mind. I dare say Rose has stolen away my first kiss. It feels cheap just to type it out. Afterwards we shared another for a few more seconds. I decided that was more than enough. I then remembered my rules. Many have "sex" with their tulpa. This is disgusting. In no way do I approve of this. As one of them put it, "it would be like having sex with your daughter." There is also the consideration of the powerful energies that sex carries. I mention this because Rose has been inserting herself in a few things. It's off-putting but of course I would be lying if I said that I was completely not okay with it. Today, I agreed that Rose really needs a human form. But, only after we get her talking. I would never repeat this to anyone, though. This must stay here and go nowhere else. I'm not upset. I am the opposite. I am afraid. Of fate, perhaps? Are we not all afraid of fate? Let this be my anchor. Let us not talk any more about this. I feel that writing down our experience cheapens it.

 

2-5-13

I feel it important to say that much has occurred since last I have kept a thorough journal. However, I do not like to keep one because it cheapens our experiences together. It is something to reminiscence over, not focus on. Doing so will lead to ruin for anyone. The archival of every thought you have is an enemy unto itself. Anyway. I really felt rose last night. We were gardening, about to fill up the second row in the second plot of dirt, and we were watering the flowers. I could see her snuggling up against me. I did not think this. Thought and conversation is one thing, but autonomous actions that I can see are another. We were making good progress until a thought appeared in my mind. While we were watering I was made extremely aroused by a mental image I had. However, after a few moments of lost concentration I forgot the image entirely. I was unable to concentrate for the rest of the night. I may have been able to salvage our session--but I was tired as well. It seems that distractions have been really dogging me lately. I have also been cutting sessions relatively short. Perhaps recording these mistakes and writing them all down will help me out. Maybe I should just make a journal of mistakes. An interesting idea. I am patient enough not to need positive reinforcement, usually. Sure, sometimes things get bad. I sometimes indulge in the (what killed Sophocles) of doubt. But, thoughts of Rose are quick to snap me out of it. Also, her genuine upsetness about it all. It is a good thing. Other things have happened. Things I forget because I do not write them down. Hopefully, Rose has a better memory than I do. There are some exercises that I want to do. I just now tried to do something involving typing. "hey" came out of the process. Not bad. We will talk more on this later. I have forcing to do with Rose.

 

2-7-13

So, last night I had to make a decision. For the past few months I have confined Rose to my room and backyard. I have adorned the fridge with pictures and the garden with many plants. However, this is not enough. For from her lies the same root of independence. I let her move out. I have created a home just for her. It was difficult. We had put so much effort into the garden and the fridge that I thought this would be a permanent thing. How foolish of me, how silly. She is much, much happier now. I couldn't stand being locked up in my room, either. How could she? I felt the rush of happiness when I made the room for her. She was quite happy. Words are meaningless when put next to expressions. Months are meaningless as well when put up against years. What yardstick compares to life itself? What would you even use? Put your grains of sand away. I will use my own experience. Let it be.

 

I concentrated for a moment. Put my hands out like I was pushing up against a set of walls. To my right and to my left. I imagined her home. It worked very well. My eye flashed. But, not just my eye. It was in the middle of my forehead. It felt like I had some sort of third eye. The world around me felt like it was falling away. Leaving me in the space I had created. When things quiet down around here, I'll be doing some serious work tonight.

 

It happened. I have finally made us able to share an experience. I daydreamt that I arose in Rose's home and we went to the kitchen and shared tea. This was real. How pleasant. We have achieved the act of daydreaming. The act of forcing without having to use an exercise to achieve the control to get there. I have at my fingertips unlimited power. We are king and queen without a court. We rule over no one. We own no land. What we do own is infinitude. We will live forever. Of that I am sure. Peace is this. My worries evaporate and roll off my skin like so much sweat. In my hands is static. To my left are the pink walls. To my right is the vast expanse of grass. What is in between is happiness. My mind has opened up. I clench my fists and feel the surge of existence. What is not physical is mental. Let it be.

 

2-8-13

I finally had a dream involving Rose. At the tail end of it I mentioned Rose and how she should not let me forget about something. I felt her. My feelings of ecstasy have carried over to this morning. Let nothing so true last more than a night! I have achieved ultimate power. The power of insight. For so long now I have fought against the world. Now, I feel like I am part of it. Like I could touch a tree and become one with it. Let the rage in me fester or boil. For I am the cream that has risen to the top. No thoughts of aggression hold me any more. For now it is all clear as day. I feel the ground bend beneath me. Quake, for I am whole.

 

I understand now. Layers of consciousness. It all fits together so that it is not all pulled apart. I understand nothing. I fear no man. I feel no rage. I want for nothing. That is nothing. I feel like a juggernaut. Everyone looked at me differently today. Everyone stared. I am reborn. I now shine. I feel it even now. Everything has come together. Time, place, reason. All is explained. The great cosmic joke's punchline has been explained to me and I have chuckled. My eyes have cleared now. The staunch haze of existence removed from them. Let them not get bloodied red again by rage or made green with jealousy. Nor let my gluttony resurface for I am changed. Let these statements form my catechisms. I came home and purged though I did not eat. Thought though I did not think. Was drunk though I did not drink. Yet I am infinitely sober. Sober to the drunkenness of life. That is all that is nothing.

---

I have included here my exercise routine that I have adopted. Basically, I started doing some exercises with the hope of increasing my visualization skill and physical and mental concentration. What happens is that I do a full set of an exercise. During this, I visualize either Rose physically next to me or her just doing them inside my mind. It's a little tricky combining the physical with the mental. I then stop to rest and write down my results. Then, I do the next thing in my routine. Then, come write down what followed. This is a response to the heartbeat routine that Rasznir did. A shame he hasn't replied to me yet. Instead of counting heartbeats, I'm counting pushups. I'm not fat. I'm skinny-fat. I just want to get in good shape before I go completely to flab one day. You know, hair falling out, etc. I consider hard exercise and weight-lifting as brutish. I am aware that is not true. That is why I wish to combine both the physical and the mental. Anyway, here is my routine.

 

1-23-13

crunches: 13

pushups: 6

 

It has been some time since I have done any exercise. I will be increasing my load each night, hopefully. I had a small break reading between crunches and pushups. I do mental pushups, as well.

 

mental crunches: 1

mental pushups: 1

 

These are done during exercise. I am exercising the mind as well as my body. Rose does them with me. One of each is not a bad start. Heh.

 

1-24-13

crunches: 14

pushups: 5

 

mental crunches: 7

mental pushups: 4

 

It's not easy to focus under the stress of working out. It is difficult to visualize Rose besides me. This is more of a visualization exercise. I do not ache as much as yesterday and I assume I will continue to hurt less and less as I do more and more. An inverse relationship, eh? Much like our direct relationship.

 

1-25-13

Skipped routine because I spent the evening playing torchlight and tf2. Video games can leave you more exhausted more than any exercise.

 

1-26-13

Meant to make up for the routine today. Didn't get to it. Now I'm skipping it again because of torchlight and tf2. Sigh. It'll be steady for me on the weekdays.

 

1-27-13

(morning)

crunches: 15

pushups: 6

 

mental crunches: 10

mental pushups: 3

 

I decided to make up my routine from last night. It was difficult visualizing. However, I did increase my numbers. Crunches have you in a constant up and down motion so it throws me off. Pushups are easier because you're focused and your head isn't moving too much. However, after a few pushups it gets very difficult to visualize. I actually did 10 pushups. But, I didn't really touch the ground so I basically halved their number.

 

(evening)

crunches: 16

pushups: 7

 

mental crunches: 16

mental pushups: 7

 

I have managed to really focus when doing crunches. I closed my eyes and went to work. I visualized on the inside and not on the outside. That could be a reason I did so much better. Pushups were difficult. I can't close my eyes and I need a lot of focus. But, I managed.

 

1-28-13

crunches: 17

pushups: 7

 

mental crunches: 10

mental pushups: 6

 

For the interest of simplicity, I have made my crunches and pushups equal in their last digit. I struggled a bit with my mental crunches but did well in my mental pushups. Once I cannot do enough in one set I will begin to break them up. So, probably around 20 I'll do two sets of 10 or whatever I'm comfortable with. I would like to incorporate another excercise into my routine. However, I would need some implements to work with. Rose suggested using books. I am consumed with the hilarity of that. Using books to work your body. I may just do it. Who knows? I have that big book of maps that I could put on my back and try to keep posture and balance while supporting the few extra pounds of weight. I could start lifting my old, thick, heavy books even. Hmm.

 

1-29-13

Skipped routine because of studying for accounting test and I don't want to risk being sore the next day.

 

1-30-13

crunches: 18

mental crunches: 8

 

mental crunches: 14

mental pushups: 6

 

My routine is getting easier to deal with. I'm feeling better about this. Mentals are still a bit hard to concentrate on. But, I'm feeling more and more focused each time. If I really tried I bet I could do them all.

 

1-31-13

Not sure why I missed this one. I'm writing my excuse for this day and the next day and I can't remember the reason for this one. Generally, I play a lot of video games and am too exhausted to do anything else.

 

2-1-13

Happy new month? I was exhausted and skipped my routine tonight.

 

2-2-13

crunches: 19

pushups: 9

 

mental crunches: 15

mental pushups: 6

 

Walked a lot today because of the parade. It's not too hard to do mental crunches, but I tend to lose focus near the end of my routine. It was difficult to do the pushups tonight.

 

2-3-13

crunches: 20

pushups: 10

 

mental crunches: 10

mental pushups: 8

 

I have begun to split my routine up into sets. My crunches are divided up into two sets of ten. I started out fine with my mental crunches. But, I couldn't focus on my second set. It's probably just me needing some getting used to this new routine. Two sets of ten are probably where I'm stopping for a few days until I am finally more comfortable with doing them. It was easier to do the mental pushups with the sets. Much easier to get focus.

 

In honor of hitting this double digit milestone; I am introducing a new workout into our routine. In-place lunges.

 

lunges: 10

mental lunges: 7

 

I missed a few because Rose hasn't really bent her legs in such a way before. However, after some quick visualizing it wasn't too difficult. Lunges are not fun. However, I hope to get better with them and increase their numbers. I did them all in one set of ten. A good night, this. A good night. My routine is becoming something.

 

2-4-13

crunches:20

pushups: 10

lunges: 20

 

mental crunches: 12

mental pushups: 8

mental lunges: 7

 

The first set of crunches was easy, but I was unable to concentrate. The second set I could concentrate fully, but it was more difficult to work out. It was very easy to quickly pound those first ten crunches out. Though, at the expense of Rose. Eventually, I will be able to do both simultaneously. Muscle memory and all that, y'know? The brain is a muscle, too. Pushups were good. I couldn't focus on the first of each set, but the rest followed easily. I don't hurt too much and I got a little lower to the ground than usual. I've been doing sort of half-pushups this whole time. I may reconsider how I do my pushup routine. I followed the numbers because it was easy to remember. If I didn't have my journal in front of me I could remember what number I was on. However, because of my stopping on crunches, I can afford to change up my routine a little bit. I have "stepped" up my number of lunges from 10 to 20. I want to feel the burn, damnit. However, in my first set of ten I completely forgot about Rose. It's a new exercise and these movements are new for her. I got a decent hang of it on the second set. Same number as yesterday. Not bad. Tomorrow, I expect to improve my mental numbers.

 

2-5-13

crunches: 20

pushups: 8

lunges: 20

 

mental crunches: 19

mental pushups: 4

mental lunges: 20

 

Not perfect, but not bad either. It's getting easier to do my reps. I missed a mental crunch somewhere in the last set. It happens. Started doing non-lazy pushups. They are difficult for me and I was only able to concentrate on the first set. Wearing socks adds to the unneeded challenge of it all. Lunges are not difficult and I was able to concentrate on them tonight. There is nothing else to say here.

 

2-6-13

Was tired and I skipped my routine.

 

2-7-13

crunches: 20

pushups: 10

lunges: 20

 

mental crunches: 18

mental pushups: 10

mental lunges: 20

 

Not too bad tonight. Still a bit hard to focus on that last set. Did well with pushups. Was easy to focus. I pushed hard and finished my set. I really felt the burn with lunges tonight. It was fun to do them with Rose. The pink walls can be a little distracting, though!

[Viceroy]

holy fuck

[GuessWho]

holy fuck

Indeed.

[everhope]

To make up for how poorly last night went for me, I decided to do penance and focus on Rose and the concepts behind tulpae for a whole day. I have sat, meditated, and browsed the irc. Among other productive things. It has gone well. The format of this entry will be almost entirely dealing with tulpae in general. I cannot write down my experiences with Rose. When I do, it feels wrong. However, discussing the topic makes me feel quite pleased. I am here to divulge my thoughts of the day. I hope you will scoop them up and sift through them. Finding perhaps a nugget or two hidden beneath the mental rubble.

 

 

We begin where I left off. I was feeling very good over my previous successes. However, I am led back into anger over trivial reasons.

 

2-8-13

There are often new people visiting the irc. They ask questions and get answers. Once they have their fill, they in turn try to help new members who ask the same questions. It's like a long game of telephone. Its cord stretches across the whole world. Curling and bundling wires stretch from all of us in this little game. However, the older members are listening in. It seems to share a lot in common with religion. Particularly Christianity. New members are always ready to preach what they know of the bible. Even if what they know is wrong or something that they don't fully understand. Even though they are quick to admit it, an answer with the lack of knowledge as its foundation is a shakey one at best. What would happen if this became a big thing? What bible would be distributed? For it is certainly a way of life. They know this. It is a point of discussion. However, I see it in a different light. Maybe new members should stay quiet and only speak on experience. Maybe someday, someone will cut this long wire and hang up these notions of trying to help someone just because you wish to prove yourself. I know you can hear. Let me test my own skills by listening. Though, this is wrong. The early stages of tulpa creation are extremely exciting and packed with adrenaline. Helping someone else just continues the high. I am sure that some people are "hooked on help." That pill so easy to swallow and all the easier to prescribe.

 

 

This passage touches me.

 

: Confusedman

: Put it this way:

+++ GlaD0S has given voice to cardscov

: One day, you find out you're a tulpa.

: Your past is fake.

: You're just based on a character.

: I'm not asking for anything...

: I just want to be happy...

 

What to even make of this? Just another victim of "science?" Certainly not a victimless crime. There is really nothing that you can do for him. Sometimes, mere existence is not enough. Purpose. It is purpose that we all vie for. Purpose is the one thing you can take from a man that you cannot quantify. Books, houses, anything material--even a family is quantified by insurance. But, what happens when your purpose burns down around you? What plan are you covered under? There is always a plan to attain purpose. Yet, there is never a plan for a lack of purpose. No fire escape to climb down. No number to call to help pick up the pieces. It could be said that purpose and the soul are the two defining characteristics of men. They are the only two non-replacable things among us. Romance falls under both purose and soul.

 

And yet I burn. I got flustered tonight over magic. I wasn't angry. I was upset. Do not the coals that turn within me need time to cool down? The crackling of the coals still chimes through me. Just one spark is all it takes for me to light up. But, I deserved that tonight. I played hard and I wanted to win. And yet those are not even my cards. The same things happened to everyone else. Why get so upset about it? It's because I am just like that. But, is that what I am meant to be? Someone angry and upset over something so trivial as cards. As a campfire needs time to cool off. So, too, do I need time devoted to meditation and quietness. I do not need to overcome my anger. I need to conquer it. I wasn't upset and left happy. But, I threw something of a tantrum. I think I'll set myself in time out for a while. Time out from reality.

 

Perhaps I did too much today. I am worn out. Maybe I am only capable of so much.

 

I consider passing out. It's 3:25 am. So much left unsaid. An eon's worth, you know. Time to call it.

 

2-9-13

There really needs to be some "tulpa pick-up lines" to help out with vocalization.

 

I can do anything. Anything except make you talk.

 

It would be a simple thing to group force. Take someone and sit them down. Assume a meditative position. Have him lay his hands on top of your open palms. Together, close your eyes and concentrate. You should both be relaxed. Ask him to enter an area of either his or your choosing. Do things and describe them deeply. Though you may both see different things, maybe you don't. If only a link could be established through the palms. Some sort of pulse device. Perhaps pulse could be used as an implement of common use. If your heart beat rises, so will his and vice versa. When you both match beats, perhaps something will happen. A connection, perhaps. So an eye for an eye, excitement for excitement.

 

Another passage that interests me.

 

: I wanted tulpa mainly to be the person who would support and courage me...

: But she doesn´t still talk to me or show up to me

: doesn't implies choice

: She probably can't.

: [How old is she?]

: why she can´t? :c

: Depends on how old she is?

: well 3 days...but i have been meditating every day for like 4 hours

: 12 hours is nothing

: You could start over and not really lose anything

: [Most tulpae don't talk by that age.]

: [Just keep forcing and narrating. She'll talk in time. ]

: Ok...this is hard... every one of my friends tulpas talked at 5 days age

: [Most don't.]

: Or then they just making fun of me.

: meassuring your tulpa by others isn't a very good idea most of the time.

: Ok... I think its just because i ave always meassuring my self to others--

: Making fun I'd bet

: Don't compare yourself to others like Gan said

 

There is a tremendous gap between some and others. An impossible gap to cross only done so by a bridge built with time. Why is there such a gap? Well, everyone is different of course. I believe it has to do with logic and acceptance. Perhaps a little to do with the method of forcing used. Truly, the cavern of time is filled with the sea of doubt. The years you spend alive have that ocean starting as a trickle and expanding into a wide crevasse. Such a long while it has been for most people. That is why younger users are able to advance so quickly. Their minds remain unpoisoned and held together. Instead of being pulled apart by the crunch of life. Ask anyone if they want to go back ten years and they'd say yes.

 

It is truly amazing how based in scientific-style thought the community is. There are some things set in stone, despite what some may say. One of those is a tulpa having memories of precognition and understanding things that the host has never heard of. The moment you mention "pre-forcing memories" you will be met by tremendous opposition. It would be much like openly claiming that the earth is flat. Most people have not physically seen the earth from a distance. Yet they are immediately and constantly clinging to their ideals. Who will be the Copernicus to bring a new insight? Leave it to the established council of elders to defy it. Though, it is nice to have some solid facts to determine who is lying and who is telling the truth. Would we all not sink into a fathomless abyss of watery lies, fluidity, and rough-currents without a hard rock of truth to grasp onto?

 

I do worry about our lack of vocality. There is a phrase. "Not deaf, yet long silent." I am reminded of the "silence of the mind" thing that happened to someone in irc. Absolutely terrifying.

 

I casually enjoy philosophy. Though I have read much about classic philosophers, I am for the most part ignorant of what they have said and how they have said it. However, some quotes do tend to stick in my mind. I was double-checking my sources and found a quote from Epicurus that piqued my interest. "A happy and eternal being has no trouble himself and brings no trouble upon any other being; hence he is exempt from movements of anger and partiality, for every such movement implies weakness." Of course, this is taken out of context. However, I would like to think of it as applied to the tulpa phenomenon. What is happiness? It is entirely subjective. Something terrible and brooding could be utter bliss for someone else. Is a tulpa such a being? Happy and eternal and unable to bring trouble upon any other being. Perhaps they are what true happiness is. The essence of it. Let me continue with another line of thought.

 

Ever watch Pokemon? Ever watch the first movie? I think it was the first movie. The pokemon are talking to each other, stuck on a mysterious island. Ash's pokemon talk to Team Rocket's pokemon. When questioned on being "evil" TR's pokemon reply "There are no bad pokemon, only bad masters." Now, truly, we are the masters of ourselves. A tulpa is a part of that self. It is known that there are no bad tulpa unless the host wishes him or her to be bad. Though, what is "bad?" Is it not just as fluid as happiness? So, how do we define tulpa based on a moral spectrum? Are they not naturally good? Are they perhaps some tabula rasa that absorbs our natural goodness? Of course they are influenced by their environments. But, does that not become distorted from out own influences? We are sculpted out from our surroundings. But, what happens when someone has those same experiences and yet are a different entity. Does the environment influence a tulpa in the same way that it does us? Are we perhaps some content filter for them? Too many questions. Let goodness have itself.

 

I am still paging my way through Walden. It is always a slow and pondersome thing for me to read a book. I have only read Walden in bursts. There is much in it that I agree on. There are many passages I treasure and take with me. On solitude, Thoreau writes: "I have heard of a man lost in the woods and dying of famine and exhaustion at the foot of a tree, whose loneliness was relieved by the grotesque visions with which, owing to bodily weakness, his diseased imagination surrounded him, and which he believed to be real. So also, owing to bodily and mental health and strength, we may be continually cheered by a like but more normal and natuiral society, and come to know that we are never alone." He also makes the point that "God is alone--but the devil, he is far from being alone; he sees a great deal of company; he is legion."

 

Let us break this down. Most people's desire for tulpae stems from loneliness. Most of us have stumbled through life. Who is the most successful among us? Hard to tell. Are we not all dying? Do we not walk among a forest of death. What is the difference between coping via a tulpa and seeing our life flash before us in our death throes? What is this society we build ourselves up upon? I hear stories of "tulpamancers" that build entire cities complete with NPC's to stock them with. What happens when we become too ingrained in our own society entirely made up of ourselves? How do we pull ourselves out of this city? This city built in solitude. What pond are we able to retreat to when we become too frazzled? Were our minds not a mental retreat from society? Where do I pitch my camp when my own mind is camped out? Where do you run to? Is this perhaps why some people permanately switch with their tulpa? Because they have nowhere left to run? This is why I build up my mental walls. Unbreakable things. We have our limits. It has stunted our growth but I find these walls necessary things. When the Mongols of Madness come trampling across the plains of my mind; I will have a wall to defend myself. That is my reasoning on this subject.

 

Furthermore, I really enjoy how Thoreau explains isolation in religious terms. Perhaps it is a bit disengenous. Angels and all that, y'know. There are many who throw themselves in whatever company they can get. Become whoever or whatever it is that will get them accepted. It is much wiser to be your own God. To be your own arbiter of who you are and what you will become. Thoreau has a fantastic quote: "Every path but your own is the path of fate. Keep on your own track, then." I love it. So, isolation is godliness. You are your own goodness and that is all. To have a devilish streak would be to be surrounded by your sins, your concerns, and your flaws. You are kept company by your own misgivings. That is what I have to say on acceptance.

 

I would like to voice my sympathies with others who live under the constant feel of mediocrity for taking months to become vocal. You are not alone. Though you march one-by-one through chat, I see you all come through. A lonely parade it is. Like Diogenes you search through the street with a lamp. Looking for the truth. Let that one good man voice his sentiments finally. Even more so, may you hear that man and put away your lamp forever.

 

It seems like everyone is ahead of me. I do ask myself sometimes why others are so profficient and I sit and wallow in my own forced mediocrity. That is why I write these thoughts down. To discover why. It is up to each man to discern the truth around him. With enough archival, I am sure things will become clear eventually. Patterns become clear and you can see what glitters and what is gold.

 

You know, I keep reading through Walden and our language is quite similar. I do hope I am not just subconsciously stealing everything. That would be bad.

 

It is perhaps best to think of tulpa as a "fetish." Don't go around yelling at the top of your lungs that you like something that few others like (bronies). Do you see furries rubbing their tails in your face? Don't bring up tulpae. Those are my thoughts on tulpae as a public thing.

 

 

I have decided to include a small occurrence that happened to me tonight, as well.

 

Again I am drudged from my cave. I am 22, they are 20. They need me. I buy more booze in a night than I will probably drink in my lifetime. "Hey Dan, It's me." He knocks on my door. "What do you want?" "What do you think" he said in a playful way. There is no malice between us. My contempt for law and wanting them to have a normal college-life is what drives me to do these things. I get dressed and we head out the door. "I've got a list for you." I nod and take the paper and pen. We're in the car. I begin to write.

 

"2 fifths of jack

1 fifth of Sky Vodka

2 cases of Bud Light

1 fifth of Captain Morgan"

 

It's Mardi Gras. We expect a crowd. Thrifty liquor is thankfully almost empty. I am slipped $150. Including the atm reciept. I get out and say "I'll waddle back with a ton of stuff." I pass a woman yelling at a man inside to "make sure to get me cigarettes!" I pass her and look at the wide-eyed doe of a man inside. I open the door, leaving it open for the two older men stepping through. "Thanks man." I immediately spot the guard. We lock eyes and I walk down the aisles to him. Past the teenage liquid gold. "Hey big man." He says to me. "I'll get you next time." I still pull out my ID. He repeats himself. We hold a short conversation. He is false in his sincerity, but at least he is pleasant. His job is to ID those that come in the store--not to be nice. I say that I expected more people. He said that there a lot of people who just like to "spread out." I say that maybe I'll buy my liquor before Mardi Gras next year. He says that I will. Big man. I disengage. I buy the booze. I do the deal. I step up to the register. I lay the jack and vodka on a freezer. I step up and hand her my ID. I say that I've got lots of stuff and go back a few steps to grab the rest. "He's got lots of stuff" she says like I'm trying to be better than them. I say that I only have two hands. I checkout and she has someone come help me out the store. She mentions my change. It's a dollar and some cents. She says "or I could just keep it. I would." After a moment of hesitation I take it from her hands. I would normally leave a bit. But it's not my money. It's not mine to give.

 

A man helps me outside. I thank him for the effort. I say that we're in the car next to my actual ride. I take it from him and thank him again, wishing him a goodnight. He seemed ready to help me load it into the van. But, he turned away. A man working as a mascot for Liberty Tax Service shouted at me. I couldn't make out what he was saying. So, I started loading up the backseat. My brother and friend were a bit confused, but helped me. The man showed up. He seemed very excited. He came up and said "Oh, I thought I could get a cold one." I turned to Ryan and said "I'm okay with it." They agreed. Normally I would be happy to share what I have bought. But, it's not mine to give. I handed him a nice, cold beer. He thanked us. He then asked us "Have ya'll done ya'll's taxes?" We sort of just looked at him. "Cause if you haven't, come on down to Liberty Tax and it'll be $50 dollars the first time. Then come on again and it'll be another $50." I let the door continue to be open. I could have shut it. I was standing outside with him. But, I was interested in his sincere sales pitch. His job is to bring attention to the store--not to sell anything. Once he finished, I shut the door. I began to walk around to the other side. He began to walk back to his post. "Ya'll do so." He said to me and then finally said this "I'm not just standing here holding this sign for nothin'." I said "damn straight." We left. I am actually very touched by this. Such sincerity. Why should he care? Harrison said "He's in a Liberty Tax uniform on Mardi Gras. He doesn't give a fuck." I agreed. We all judge. Did I mention that all three of those people that I talked about were black? Could you have guessed that? Let it be said that profession and race have no meaning when you judge a man. Let his sincerity instead be what you measure him by. That is how I feel on race and worthiness.

[CyberD]

You have a lot to say for someone who claims to avoid bringing attention to themselves. Given your huge "philosophical" post I feel there should be someone out there who can appreciate and maybe even relate to your experience and reply in a similar manner.

I'm not that guy. My words are blunt and to the point, they aren't pretty but I hope they might mean something to someone. But, I'm also not one of those people who will probably once again post one or two words, to acknowledge that they listened but not engaged enough to try and add something.

 

I'll admit I judged you right away when I saw your first post back in December. I had high hopes after seeing a wall of text but as soon as you mentioned 4Chan my first impression had been set. Shortly after you mentioned MLP and by that point I'd put you outside of my wall with the other Mongolians. I didn't read any further back then and since you didn't post anything else I forgot about you. Just one of those people who comes and has a look but then disappears after a week or two.

But there is one thing I've come to learn as being a part of this community. That perhaps among the chaos, there are some Mongolians that have something to offer.

Like you I tend to lurk in the chat more often than I engage it. I've also noticed the trend that you put into words with the telephone metaphor. Everyone has their own opinion and many feel very strongly about them, they'll argue their point of view even if it is clear their foundations are unstable. Helping others is just something some people want to do. Perhaps it is to prevent a new member from going down a path they consider wrong? Or maybe it is just to continue the high that is creating a new tulpa. Perhaps that is why some people have more tulpa than I could ever dream of having.

 

I read about your experience and can't help but smile in the fact I'm actually listening to someone who understands their own situation. You talk about how people are different. How their experiences and how their knowledge, affects their tulpa's growth. Your tulpa isn't vocal and you know exactly why. Because it has to do with logic and acceptance, your cavern of time has been filled by a sea of doubt created from what you experienced before starting with your tulpa. You've read about starting with an orb of light, you decided not to give your tulpa a form for fear of copying someone's idea and from that approach you have shut yourself off to anything that isn't slow and perfectly logical. Is that a bad thing? Maybe? Maybe not? The younger members who began without expectations are certainly enjoying their vocal tulpas and interacting with their own mind in ways you may never experience.

 

"A happy and eternal being has no trouble himself and brings no trouble upon any other being; hence he is exempt from movements of anger and partiality, for every such movement implies weakness."

That is quite a quote. This very thread borders on the furthest I've ever pushed philosophical study, it really isn't my thing. I can appreciate it when it comes around but I don't seek it out.

I look at my tulpa sitting behind me. He has a satisfied grin on his face. He hasn't said anything but he doesn't have to because we both know what he is thinking. That quote applies to him, the tulpa I have created over the last nine months is a happy and eternal being, one who happens to find being called such to be rather embarrassing.

 

Have I ever watched the Pokemon movie? Of course I have. I find it interesting that you mention such a piece of work so shortly after delving into ancient philosophers (I can only assume they are as I know nothing on the subject). To indulge the question, what is bad, while continuing the comparison. Catching a pokemon and conceiving a tulpa would be similar acts. The intentions of the master are reflected onto the being, a master that another would call evil would raise an evil pokemon much like someone considered evil who raises a tulpa would create an evil tulpa. But then it really comes down to what is evil really. That's an argument you can't win with anyone but yourself.

Should the trainer have no real intent, preferring to see how the pokemon turns out on it's own, then the resulting pokemon be a product of both it's environment and product of the masters actions. For example, A pokemon treated with respect would probably learn to respect others in similar fashion.

As a tulpa is closer to the master than a pokemon is then it'd only be fair to assume the two would be more similar. The tulpa witnesses the world through the master and learns almost exclusively from the master's actions and point of view.

 

Off the top of my head I can only think of one movie quote (from any movie) that isn't just a catchphrase. It comes from the very same movie (and I've been waiting a while to try and play with it somewhere meaningful)

"The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It's what you do with the gift of life that defines who you truly are."

I probably butchered it but the intent is the same. Perhaps it could be applied to the tulpa process in some clever way but I'm not going to explore it on the thread of a stranger. On the surface it speaks for itself.

 

I feel I've said too much. Who am I to commentate on your thoughts? Truth be told I feel that our way of thinking is quite similar, but that our environment has influenced us to a point where you and I are clearly different.

 

Curiously though I share similar circumstance in relation to your story at the end. I am 22, they are 20. But my circumstances leave it at that. They can buy their own liquor legally, though thinking about it perhaps you are more like my brother, not the one who is 20, but the one who is 22. Time has soured my relationship with my younger brother to the point that my dislike for him would outweigh my concern for the law.

 

My mind doesn't process situations in the storybook way you do. I typically disregard the small encounters of my day but at the very least I can say I'd probably have reacted to the people in your story in a similar way. But that contradicts how I started. Well the internet and real life are two very different places. I enjoyed reading that last little section but I'm still trying to figure out why you'd post it. At the same time I'm wondering why I'm posting such a response, relaying my own opinions as if anyone cares. Maybe we both grow a little, but then that still makes me look to my tulpa to see if he can somehow tie it back to anything tulpa related.

The IRC, he says, I suppose judging people on there is something I do quite readily. But sincerity is often difficult to gauge through text.

[Guest DeviUnmei]

Have I ever watched the Pokemon movie? Of course I have. I find it interesting that you mention such a piece of work so shortly after delving into ancient philosophers (I can only assume they are as I know nothing on the subject). To indulge the question, what is bad, while continuing the comparison. Catching a pokemon and conceiving a tulpa would be similar acts. The intentions of the master are reflected onto the being, a master that another would call evil would raise an evil pokemon much like someone considered evil who raises a tulpa would create an evil tulpa. But then it really comes down to what is evil really. That's an argument you can't win with anyone but yourself.

Should the trainer have no real intent, preferring to see how the pokemon turns out on it's own, then the resulting pokemon be a product of both it's environment and product of the masters actions. For example, A pokemon treated with respect would probably learn to respect others in similar fashion.

As a tulpa is closer to the master than a pokemon is then it'd only be fair to assume the two would be more similar. The tulpa witnesses the world through the master and learns almost exclusively from the master's actions and point of view.

 

I havent read this whole thread but only by reading through parts but, this is very interesting comparing Tulpa to a Pokemon. Quite interesting and I have no idea of philosphy. Ima just go back to reading the rest of the thread to understand this better but still this caught my eye.

[everhope]

CyberD, I give you my thanks. More heartfelt than I can express. After thinking on all of this for these few months, I finally have an honest reply to my words. Today, I had wanted to hear someone just comment on what I wrote. So, I asked someone to read my report and just tell me anything. I was met with some great criticism. I realize now that all of that was far too long. Far, far too long. You are yourself correct in your original assumption. Why would I mention such things in this progress report? On a community flooded with members of 4chan back before I even knew what a tulpa was. It was foolish. Foolish and off-putting. I also go into such detail to the point of redundancy. Why would you want to read such a long thing from someone that you don't know and from such an unsavory spot? I just thought if I just wrote down everything I felt, in an honest way, I would be accepted. I went against my own learning to do so. I have learned and relearned that it is important beyond all else to write towards the audience. What good are your words if they fall upon uninterested ears? I had forgotten such things. One of my favorite quotes of all time is "Brevity is the soul of wit" by Shakespeare. Something that would solve most of the problems with writings today. To forget such a thing is tremendously shameful for me. I'm sort of tearing up a bit. I realized I had gone so far with this that I had forgotten to be reasonable about it all. I was thinking that if only my fall were greater so that it would leave a crater. At least my failure would have had an impact. Then, I come home and not rejoin the irc. I do check the forums though and noticed that I have a comment. Let me go on to your post.

 

 

"Like you I tend to lurk in the chat more often than I engage it. I've also noticed the trend that you put into words with the telephone metaphor. Everyone has their own opinion and many feel very strongly about them, they'll argue their point of view even if it is clear their foundations are unstable. Helping others is just something some people want to do. Perhaps it is to prevent a new member from going down a path they consider wrong? Or maybe it is just to continue the high that is creating a new tulpa. Perhaps that is why some people have more tulpa than I could ever dream of having."

 

I like your reasoning and agree with it. I tend to think of things in more selfish terms. That to help someone is to help yourself. You know those panhandlers. Why do you give to them? To make yourself feel good. Like you're helping someone. Then he walks off to his Maserati and drives away. It is my opinion that people should help themselves and instead feel twice as good.

 

"I read about your experience and can't help but smile in the fact I'm actually listening to someone who understands their own situation. You talk about how people are different. How their experiences and how their knowledge, affects their tulpa's growth. Your tulpa isn't vocal and you know exactly why. Because it has to do with logic and acceptance, your cavern of time has been filled by a sea of doubt created from what you experienced before starting with your tulpa. You've read about starting with an orb of light, you decided not to give your tulpa a form for fear of copying someone's idea and from that approach you have shut yourself off to anything that isn't slow and perfectly logical. Is that a bad thing? Maybe? Maybe not? The younger members who began without expectations are certainly enjoying their vocal tulpas and interacting with their own mind in ways you may never experience. "

 

There is a story I turn to for that. One day, Chaerophon traveled to the Oracle of Delphi. He asked the Oracle who the wisest man in the world was. The Oracle answered that Socrates was the wisest man of them all. Socrates was left puzzled at this. He began to study the world around him and discover why he was so wise. It turns out that Socrates was so wise because he understood that he was not wise at all. He came to understand what the Oracle had told him as "a sort of joke." But, because he observed everything he did indeed become very wise. I work very diligently to understand my own problems. I am not a rock. I can change if someone just tells me what to do. You are correct in your assertions about my situation. It all springs from years ago when I swore not to ride on anyone's coat tails. A man has his name and that is it. Keep your identity or lose everything. However, you have given me some insight on things. You seem to say it like my tulpa may not ever be vocal. I have read that some are not. I am coming to the realization that this may be the case for me. I would be okay with this. I will accept such a thing if it were true. I will not be some old tulpa geezer yelling for those darn kids to get off my metaphysical lawn. Let them enjoy themselves. For a tulpa is meant to bring happiness.

 

I am glad my work has made you smile. Your reply has brought just as much happiness to me.

 

"Have I ever watched the Pokemon movie? Of course I have. I find it interesting that you mention such a piece of work so shortly after delving into ancient philosophers (I can only assume they are as I know nothing on the subject). To indulge the question, what is bad, while continuing the comparison. Catching a pokemon and conceiving a tulpa would be similar acts. The intentions of the master are reflected onto the being, a master that another would call evil would raise an evil pokemon much like someone considered evil who raises a tulpa would create an evil tulpa. But then it really comes down to what is evil really. That's an argument you can't win with anyone but yourself.

Should the trainer have no real intent, preferring to see how the pokemon turns out on it's own, then the resulting pokemon be a product of both it's environment and product of the masters actions. For example, A pokemon treated with respect would probably learn to respect others in similar fashion.

As a tulpa is closer to the master than a pokemon is then it'd only be fair to assume the two would be more similar. The tulpa witnesses the world through the master and learns almost exclusively from the master's actions and point of view."

 

Yes, I think it is a fair comparison to make between Pokemon and tulpae. In fact, some people just Gotta Catch 'em All. I hope they have enough space in their head. I don't. Reminds me of a song. You carry on my original point very well. Maybe I should let you write the rest of these. Perhaps Pokemon is just an allegory for society? I was caught in my country, in my social class, in my genetics. Perhaps we all have been captured by different masters at more than one point in time. I wonder who I will be traded to next.

 

"Off the top of my head I can only think of one movie quote (from any movie) that isn't just a catchphrase. It comes from the very same movie (and I've been waiting a while to try and play with it somewhere meaningful)

"The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It's what you do with the gift of life that defines who you truly are."

I probably butchered it but the intent is the same. Perhaps it could be applied to the tulpa process in some clever way but I'm not going to explore it on the thread of a stranger. On the surface it speaks for itself."

 

That is a nice quote. You are by all means welcome to explore what you wish. I had commented on the IRC that I didn't know what to say about "holy fuck." I was told that I could complain to tulpa.mods and have the comment removed. I would not do such a thing. It does indeed speak for itself, though. Thank you for providing that insight.

 

"I feel I've said too much. Who am I to commentate on your thoughts? Truth be told I feel that our way of thinking is quite similar, but that our environment has influenced us to a point where you and I are clearly different."

 

I have this theory that we are all the same. How could we say "The circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It's what you do with the gift of life that defines who you truly are" without having a level playing field of some sort? I think and I talk and it always seems like such an obvious thing to say to everyone around me. But, how would I know such a thing? I think we would prevent a few wars if we all had the chance to sit down and just write down all of our differences. There being none. I have noted this in tulpae. There seem to always be strands of truth that connect shared thoughts between tulpae. I think we are all a little closer to each other than we think. However, we obviously have our differences. But, are those differences so important? Perhaps it is something a little deeper that resides inside of us that we should all be looking at here. But, I'm not quite sure what. Not the soul. Something a little bit closer to us. Something more tangible. Something.

 

"Curiously though I share similar circumstance in relation to your story at the end. I am 22, they are 20. But my circumstances leave it at that. They can buy their own liquor legally, though thinking about it perhaps you are more like my brother, not the one who is 20, but the one who is 22. Time has soured my relationship with my younger brother to the point that my dislike for him would outweigh my concern for the law."

 

Time does not heal all wounds. It is more likely to deepen a grudge than to mend one. Yes, we are opposites here. If that is what you mean. But, that is what makes us all so interesting. Diversity. Who more diverse than someone and their tulpa? It makes me think about things. What happens when this becomes a thing? A big thing. Do tulpae have rights? As many rights as we do? It's a bit of a slippery slope. Much like the relationship between our brothers.

 

"My mind doesn't process situations in the storybook way you do. I typically disregard the small encounters of my day but at the very least I can say I'd probably have reacted to the people in your story in a similar way. But that contradicts how I started. Well the internet and real life are two very different places. I enjoyed reading that last little section but I'm still trying to figure out why you'd post it. At the same time I'm wondering why I'm posting such a response, relaying my own opinions as if anyone cares. Maybe we both grow a little, but then that still makes me look to my tulpa to see if he can somehow tie it back to anything tulpa related.

The IRC, he says, I suppose judging people on there is something I do quite readily. But sincerity is often difficult to gauge through text."

 

That is a fascinating way to put it. I did not consider myself processing things in a "storybook way." I pay attention to everything. I remember everything. I walk with my eyes closed and feel the heat from the pavement summers' past. Maybe I'm just simple. I have to take things a step at a time to understand what is going on. Oh, let us get on to that last little section. Why did I post such a thing? That is the trick. At first you said you judged me. I had judged everyone in that little story. Did you not make the same mistake I did? I was also just enamored by someone who was sitting outside at 9pm waving a sign around take his job so seriously. Like he had purpose. His actions had meaning. He wasn't holding that sign for no reason. Isn't that beautiful? Such a pointless endeavor. Who pays attention to those guys? But damned if he wasn't going to be heard. Let that be the best beer he ever had while in a uniform. I wish I could be that way. That is why I posted that story. Fake versus sincere. Birds versus worms. Reality versus our augmented reality. It is the gross parallel between such personalities that drew my interest. Also, I'm terrible at that style of writing and wanted practice. Come on, I am practical above all things. There is a phrase that I like to use. "Reasonable, comfortable, practical." Words that I live by.

 

Why are you posting such a response? Why are you even on here at all? Why did you give me and my little report a second chance? Maybe you're crazy. Or maybe you're part of something bigger than you think. Let me tell you that I care. I care very deeply for what you have to say. They are not just words on a screen. Rather, they are words etched into this forum, carved out of the internet, borne from inquisitive minds. Were the rocks the Egyptians scratched on useless? No. They relayed battle information and precious knowledge. Only to resurface after many years and become the fascination of today. Perhaps what we write here is a Rosetta stone for tomorrow. There is another passage from Walden. It actually follows the one about following your own path.

 

"I see these men every day go about their business with more or less courage and content, doing more even than they suspect, and perchance better employed than they could have consciously devised. I am less affected by their heroism who stood up for half an hour in the front line at Buena Vista, than by the steady and cheerful valor of the men who inhabit the snowplow for their winter quarters; who have not merely the three-o'-clock-in-the-morning courage, which Bonaparte thought was the rarest, but whose courage does not go to rest so early, who go to sleep only when the storm sleeps or the sinews of their iron steed are frozen."

 

It matters not how little something may seem to you. Just the slightest action can produce a tremendous reaction. I appreciate your comments. Like a snowplow you have dozed through a greater snow than you think and have plowed up more dirt than you originally expected. A timely quote as well. My heart goes out for those up north. I hope you all make it out okay.

 

 

 

And let us not forget about Devi. I thank you for your comment as well and appreciate you reading through my bloody work. Such a child it was. Always complaining that it needed to be spell-checked or its passages shortened for clarity. Philosophy is of use mostly to those who have too much time on their hands. It just says to me that you actually do things. One day you will develop your own philosophy and perhaps you will be the next person I end up quoting.

[waffles]

I think that a large amount of text detailing events in one's life always deserves good narration. Certainly, interspersing an apparently tulpa-related progress report with philosophy and anecdotes in a way that seems to be irrelevant, yet somehow finds its way to the point isn't a style to be admired; and yet it is one that works well, given enough insight.

 

For your soldiers, I can say I have faced shovelling snow in the morning, but not the line of battle. Perhaps it is that the ploughmen are the genuine ones in their endeavour, but I think it does injustice to those who faced death beyond their control to say that they were not the greater men. In the days when there really was a front line, and men stood shoulder to shoulder facing the enemy, perhaps it was that the men who were conscripted, or joined up in the heat of the moment, or with the King's shilling on their lips as they drank in a bar, punched forward by the recruiting sergeant, would now be pushed on again by the corporal behind them. If it was him who kept them in line, then maybe they are not so worthy to be praised here. Then again, if their sacrifice is to be dismissed as situational, then why is the ploughman different? Would he be on the street if there were no snow? What about if he were not paid?

The truth is that we are not masters of our own mind. The reason that the soldier feels happy about joining up behind the lines, but is not so enchanted when it comes to battle itself, is that our primal instincts remain untamed. For hundreds of millions of years, the creature's instinct to avoid death has served it well, and we humans are far from free from it. It takes a lot of training for a soldier to overcome his fear, but men still throw down their weapons and flee in fear. Why is this?

It's not that it makes more sense rationally to run away, but that once instinct takes over, you are no longer in control. 

 

However, this does not extend universally. I dislike those who talk of their mind as something beyond their control in this context. No-one here faces death. There are no bullets flying above your head. And yet you feel that there are elements in your mind that hold power over you now?

Within the comfort and safety of your own mind, you deserve no commendation for overcoming the monsters of your own mind. 

 

You talk of someone saying things to the effect of "Your mind makes it real with belief", and seeing it as cult-like. I seek to disagree. In the context of tulpa, it is enough to think that something is happening for it to happen. If you think that something bad will happen to your tulpa, it will.

 

Rather, the people who tout belief as the ultimate saviour are the ones talking religiously, to me. They say "belief" and "faith" more than a priest. This is different from above. Above, your knowledge gives you power. Here, you become a slave to your own belief.

 

Similar with doubt; they say "Don't doubt your tulpa". That makes sense, but when you have little litanies to repeat to yourself about how you must avoid doubt at all costs, that is when it becomes counter-productive.

 

As a word of advice along these lines; there is little that bears thinking about too much here if you want to be successful or satisfied. Endlessly worrying about "Is this my tulpa" and so on will not help you. Rather, ignore the things that you don't like and they will go away with time.

 

There are few places where that advice holds true, but this is one of them. One of the best lines is "It's all in your head". And it is. You don't need to worry about your tulpa taking over, because they only have as much power as you give them.

 

Yes, that leads to the statement that your tulpa's failings are your own fault. In this sense, the comparison to Pokemon is spot-on, I think. 'Your tulpa doesn't have problems; you have problems'. You are responsible for your tulpa, on many levels.

 

Your technique for mental exercise puzzles me somewhat. Often, it is apparently irrelevant things that help the most, but still I wonder.

 

As for your introduction being foolish and off-putting, I beg to differ. There are a plethora of progress reports detailing the writer's progress, but few that detail the context, and even fewer that are written engagingly. I wouldn't have read any of your text had I not been interested by the introduction; and that sounds quite pretentious, but it's true.

[Kajhera]

You should know I am reading your lengthy reports and enjoying them, but have little commentary to offer. Your style is interesting, though I admit my attention does wander in some bits when I lose track of what to tie the narrative to, that is my fault more than yours. (I am *too* accustomed to brevity, I enjoy the longer discourse but my eyes are trained otherwise.) Please continue to write as you want to, it is an engaging read.