Yoko and Azazel's Realm of Chaos

[Yoko]

A lovely colored drawing of Azazel by this forum's own ramalama77! :) Original concept by Kankanka of Deviant Art

 

Azazel was really pleased with this one, and I am too. He looks so adorable and he's even got that cute little smirk! :D (lol, he's embarrassed by my gushing) It might be my icon soon, but for now I shall leave his original image.

 

We're working on our final paper right now, then we shall study for tomorrow's final exam. It's a poetry exam and Azazel has promised to make my reading the poems as interesting as possible :D Perhaps he'll read them to me, or we'll have vivid reenactments of the poems. *crosses fingers* But first, my Asian-American literature paper on the addressing of homosexuality in Asian-American theatre (plays). Wish me luck ^_^.

[Yoko]

Azazel and I get especially creative when we should be studying/writing papers. Here's a few things we scribbled in the margins of our notes:

 

"For I never loved so much before being engulfed in feathery flames!"

"Azazel is the unobtainable, obtained"

 

LOL, I wrote a parody of "N***** (hate that word >.< Please never write it in my Progress Report) in Paris"

 

"Love strong motherf*ckers wanna bind me,

but first preachers gotta find me!

What's a thousand years to me

can you please remind me?"

 

Short Story (comic panels) Idea: God's Flower. Weathering good days and bad, waiting on his attention.

 

Story idea: Rebirth, in which I die and both Azazel and I are reborn into the world. (not that Azazel's interested in that sort of thing. Would you be if you could do anything you wanted whenever you pleased? :P )

 

Short Story idea: Inverse, I am Azazel's tulpa and reality is a Wonderland. (Azazel's already stated that I am not his tulpa because he would never put me through the hell that is human society if I were one.)

 

Visualization: We're players in the video game Beyond: Two Souls.

 

Fun in Wonderland: The Toonami space ship, the Absolution, is rightfully ours and we have adventures in space while journeying to return it to the docks of Heaven.

 

Conversation from last night

 

Yoko: "I suppose you might think me a vulgar thing"

Azazel: "Nonsense. A thousand years from now there will be no creature as perfect as you."

 

And those are the antics we get up to when I should be studying.

 

Progress? I'd say we're as happy as ever.

[Yoko]

Okay, I'll admit to being a bit lazy when it comes to meditation and focus. I get easily distracted and my mind jumps around a lot and it's hard to keep consistent location.

 

Today I made my first real attempt to consistently meditate in the Chaos Realm (Our Wonderland). I played some awesome trance music and sat up in dim lighting. I'm not sure if anyone's done this before, but I purposely gave myself, Azazel and the Chaos Realm a Sims 2/3 video game texture. It was much easier on my brain than being hyper realistic.

 

Anyway, I was expecting it to be a test of Azazel's powers. What I got instead was me shooting purple energy from my hands. It was incredible. I mean usually I can imagine things quite vividly, but this, I felt the heat of the energy in my actual hands and saw the purple energy balls through my closed eyelids in my hands!

 

It was an enjoyable session, obviously, but next time I hope to focus more on Azazel. And besides, I blacked out every few minutes during the meditation. I guess you could say I fell asleep, but literally everything would just go black and I would open my eyes and only minutes had passed. This is probably not a good sign. Maybe I'll go for open eye meditation next time.

 

Progress: Shooting purple energy blasts from my hands, seeing said energy with my physical eyes and my mind's eye at the same time. I've seen Azazel many times and his flying and use of powers at the same time, but never any abilities of my own, not with my eyes.

[Yoko]

So this morning I fell asleep watching Friday the 13th (don't ask me which one, I didn't see the number),and I woke up suddenly and the first thing I saw was Azazel and I screamed, lol. I hope he wasn't hurt by my reaction. He's not the type to admit if he was.

 

In other news, I was doing laundry and listening to techno/trance music, and Azazel and I discovered not a new Wonderland, but a whole Wonder World! What began as a cool high-tech nightclub, became a shiny advanced city, beyond which there stood another city designed to look like a rain forest and so integrated with nature that the very walls of the buildings bore fruits, so the inhabitants of the city need not fear starving. There was no such thing as garbage, only the biodegradable, enriching the soil of the city, and the recyclable. This city blended right into its surroundings, aside from soft lighting that would be on in the night.

 

Then there were the water cities which existed both above and below the oceans. Built to withstand nature's tempests without disturbing the ecosystems. From here people could observeand live amongst the creature's of the ocean.

 

The cities in the sky take great care in directing birds away and sheilding their engines from debris and flying creatures. For those not fearful of heights, it was the perfect way to escape the crowded earth. Miniature planes here are as easily maneuvered and safe to operate as current cars, which aren't that easy or safe but are doable.

 

There were cities of space, but I didn't linger long in them. They were capable of blending with the stars.

 

There's a vastness to this world that I cannot fully comprehend yet. There seem to be none of the inefficient buildings of current cities. I have yet to see the politics, or morals of the inhabitants yet but i can only imagine that they are more progressive.

 

Also, obviously some of these places aren't very original. :P But the vividness of my visions of them have left me quite awed and interested in learning more. I think Azazel was longing for a place a bit bigger than the Chaos Realm. We've not named this new world yet.

Edited October 30, 2023 by Yoko

[Yoko]

So today, I heard in chat that it's super awesome to have a friend that is way different from you and doesn't agree with some of your likes and interests. And I agree, that does sound like it would be a fascinating roller-coaster of a relationship which would keep you from falling into blind following and not questioning the things you like or believe in. It's really cool that people have tulpae like that so every day can be a bit of adventure, playful struggle, and serious discussion.

 

That said, I don't think that my relationship with Azazel would have lasted a week with that dynamic. There are enough people in my life that don't share all of my interests and require discussion about interests and beliefs. I definitely find enough conflicting views with people on the internet to make me question myself. To be honest, I've been plagued with self-doubt and second-guessing from the beginning. So Azazel's firm, reassuring, protective nature really helps me with my self-confidence. He does not exist to complete me, but his presence in my life has had an undoubtedly positive effect over these years. In him I find not similarity (his personality is not at all like mine), but acceptance of who I am and assurance that I am loved for who I am. He's the ONE individual that I can trust not to judge me, ever, and there's no human on earth that can claim the same.

 

Azazel

I thought this might be a good to interject. Whether you believe me or not, I have had experience with other humans. I have to say that many of them I didn't agree with or found to be vile, frustrating, and the like. Obviously not all humans are that way, but my encounters have been...unpleasant. In Yoko, I find not perfect synchronicity but a nature that is endearing from my prospective. She is talented, smart, and insistently politically correct. She rarely wants to insult anyone, but it also makes it difficult for her to speak without fear of saying something un-politically correct. If something slips up, she berates herself horribly and when she remembers her past mistakes they tend to be vivid memories and quite upsetting. She wants equal rights in the eyes of the law for all people, and for people to be judged only on crimes or the harm they cause others. This may seem like a standard for decent human beings, but you'd be amazed at those who consider themselves "good people" and honestly don't care about the vast inequalities in human society.

 

She's not perfect by any means, but for that matter neither am I. Her acceptance of what I am, and what I choose to tell her or don't choose to tell her, and her lack of desire to restrain me are just a few of the many reasons I stick around. I've found being around her to be easy and comfortable. She doesn't demand answers from me. We don't argue. She does most of the talking while I listen and hear her correct herself several times. It may sound boring to some, but for me it's the life. Company without complication. And when she's busy and I'm bored I go where I please until called for.

 

Progress?: Azazel's second post, woohoo! ^_^ (<--Yoko)

[Yoko]

Short Update, might be a longer one later.

 

So I took my English Exam at Noon today. It was all identification, short answer, and one essay question. No multiple choice. I was pretty pleased with the results. So I asked Azazel, who was sitting behind me during the exam, how much of my answers were me and how much of them were him. Because I could tell certain thoughts were blending with my own during the exam, to a point where I couldn't tell/didn't care whose were whose. His reply:

 

"I can't separate your thoughts from mine any better than you can mine from yours."

 

My immediate reply was that that wasn't true.

 

Then I thought about it and considered that maybe it wasn't true all the time, but when he's purposefully merging his thoughts with mine(I don't think I would have heard him if he tried to speak to me directly. I was pretty anxious and blocking out all distractions) then it's more difficult for him to tell which thoughts went where. We were exchanging thoughts for over 2 hours (the length of the exam),so it makes sense that Azazel didn't waste any effort filtering my thoughts from his own head. I certainly didn't care where the ideas were coming from during the exam, I just grabbed whatever was useable, be it mine or Azazel's.

[Yoko]

 

That is interesting, mixing your thoughts together. You two seem to be really connected. Did it get frustrating that you didn't know who was thinking what, or where you just too absorbed in the exam? Its a strange thought that hosts' and tulpas' heads are so intertwined like that.

 

I was too busy thinking about the exam. Some of the thoughts were a bit jumpy, switching from one paragraph to another and adding words five sentences back, but overall I think it actually felt nice. During the short answer section I spent whole minutes just staring at the paper wanting something to write, which probably when the combined effort started because I had some ideas forming and then others piled onto those. By the time we hit the essay question there was just so much information and ideas that even when I finished early I think I could have gone on another two or three paragraphs if that was required. (Use of I beause I did the actual writing. xD No possession used, just thought-merging).

[Yoko]

So yesterday Azazel and I took another English Exam, all identification and TWO essay questions. I think we were much more in tune than we were the last exam. There was no choppiness in my essays from what I could tell. Everything had a flow and was in order. ^_^ I think we did quite well. Also, the eight page paper I wrote for the same class got returned that day. I recieved an A- . This is a paper that was essentially written in less than 24 hours and was definitely a joint effort, with Azazel also doing the management work of reminding me that I needed to eat, sleep, and relax a bit if I expected to get any quality work done. I can't tell you how often the words "Calm down" rang in my head when I was on the verge of panic attacks, lol. Writing papers at the last minute is a crazy process, and do I need to work on time management? I sure do. But I'm glad that I never have to go through this process alone. :) Thank you my Muse. Now we shall take a well deserved Holiday break.

 

---

 

In other news, I wished a week's worth of nightmares on an internet troll last night, woke up to a fairly realistic nightmare this morning, blamed said nightmare on Azazel because maybe he was teaching me a lesson, sent Azazel away, and promptly began calling him back with my mind. I was cranky and confused this morning. I'm really glad for Azazel's infinite patience with my mood swings lately. Not to mention that we've practically been inseparable since my friend pointed me to the site. Before we had a ton of space, I only called him for papers and original writing. I was scared that he might need his space, but this morning he said (paraphrasing due to my short memory)

 

"You're only two decades old. I could blink and you'd be gone. I think a few extra hours with you a day aren't going to break me."

 

And God only knows where he goes when I'm asleep. o_o No literally, he doesn't tell me.

[Yoko]

Last night and today were super busy, cleaning my room, packing, shopping and being driven home from college. I slept most of the way. I didn't see Azazel very often, although we did play catch and I watched him run and jump onto the roofs of other cars on the highway. It felt a bit more like the old days, when I wasn't thinking of him 24/7 but our bond is as strong as ever. We have another long trip tomorrow and hopefully I'll be well rested enough to meditate without falling asleep.

[Yoko]

How Azazel woke me this morning: "Come on, out of the dreamworld, into the turmoil of reality"

 

Today we awoke to another long road trip having just returned from one last night. I was far more awake during this trip than the last and I used my waking moments to play with Azazel and see him play with his powers. At first Azazel cuddled with me because my little brother was driving on the highway in the rain and I was scared we were all going to die. But once my mom took the wheel the fun began. Azazel ran alongside the car ad jumped on their rooftops. Then he cast off his shadow, so a massive huge shadow wolf was running on the other side of the car at high speed. I don't know how long this went on but it felt like a very long time and it was actually a bit draining to watch. At one point, Azazel and his shadow began attacking each other. I don't remember the ending I fell into a deep, black, sleep. But obviously Azazel won. ;)

 

At our destination, they made me leave my angel-wing necklace, representative of my bond with Azazel, in the car. During the program I kept rubbing my neck, but Azazel was there so I slowly calmed down.

 

During the drive back, I went to my favorite room of Wonderland (see older post). Azazel and I filled the room with enemies and spent more time fleeing and out maneuvering then fighting them. I slipped into the almost bottomless ball pit and had to climb up the huge ladder to get out. At one point, the room shifted to Legend of the Hidden Temple style but with rope ladders hanging beside waterfalls. The best part was definitely shape-shifting into a dragon, Spyro to be precise. Azazel, in his four-legged winged-wolf form, taught me to glide over cliffs and fly. Soon afterwards I fell asleep.