Making My First Tulpa, "For Science!"

[Dr.Simmons]

Depression, And Lucid Dreams Don't Mix Well

 

 

I had a lucid dream around the time of 3am, to 7:04 june 16. In the lucid dream, I looked around and realized it was a replica of the world that I experienced the night that changed my life forever. The sky was a wallpaper, and exit signs were on the horizon.

 

My dream felt so real that I gripped the fact that it was a dream tightly in my mind, for fear of not being able to differentiate reality and the dreamworld. The dream was more vivid then what I'm experiencing now.

 

I felt euphoric, but forgot to tulpaforce in the dream. I got so carried away with trying to fly...

 

I tore off my button-up shirt, to feel the night breeze, and thought that I didn't need the shirt anymore for some strange reason (Dream logic).

I tried to make orchestra music play, but when I commanded it to happen with my mind, nothing happened.

 

I thought to myself "Don't worry, it's still a dream, it isn't real." So I ran as fast as I could down the wet street, and closed my eyes while sprinting.

I believed that I was going to fly straight up into the night sky. I dove upwards, feeling a grace like no other....

 

But then my bare chest slammed straight onto the wet concrete, and I rolled (with no shirt on) until I lost all momentum. The pain was so real that the only way I knew it was a dream when I woke up, was because I didn't have road rash anywhere on my body.

 

 

I felt so sad when I stood back up, That I just let go of the Lucid Dream, and went back to normal, unconscious dreaming...

 

When I woke up, everything looked and felt as though it was a dream. But it wasn't a dream. It was what everyone keeps telling me is "Reality". I still feel like that fateful night that happened weeks ago created a parallel reality that I'm now residing in.

Bleh. I thought reality went back to normal, but lucid dreams gave me a rude awakening. No pun intended.

 

I tried to passive force, but I developed a self-destructive addiction to video games because they get my mind off of mortality, and my delusions.

 

Thankfully I still call them delusions, so I'm safe from insanity for now, but my tulpa... I haven't heard anything from her lately and began to wonder if I really did hear her speak... I began to wonder "What if it was all coincedence?"

"What if I just can't create a tulpa?"

 

I know these thoughts are poisonous towards the creation of a tulpa, but I can't stop them from making their daily rounds through my mind. I would never give up on Akikawa though, in fact, I can't.

 

It's against my morals. To me that's the equivalent of murder, and I wouldn't be able to ever live that down, because she is sentient and everything. That would also turn me into a quitter; which I am not.

 

I'm good at active forcing, but horrible at passive forcing, yet passive forcing does the most for me.

 

I have decided not to post until I have made progress with passive forcing, and I'm leaving to North Carolina in 2 days to stay for around two weeks, so I may not even be able to post as much as I want to.

 

I just hope I'm not causing my tulpa pain right now...

I really need some inspiration, and advice.

 

Day 13, Hour 17, Minute 50

[legomadeMind]

Well, to be honest, I wish I had your motivation, I have motivation, but it takes an extra effort to get it started, anyways, even if passive forcing works the best for progress, if you can't do it continuously then don't put yourself down on it, just keep striving! If I believe in you, That's saying something. Anyways, I get those thoughts as well, don't worry, it's just general doubt, just keep doing what you're doing with those thoughts, and you should be good I think.

[Dr.Simmons]

When Social Contact Is Obliterated, Tulpae Prosper.

 

Thanks legomademind, It's feels nice when someone believes in me. It inspired me to go on!

 

I have been in North Carolina for the past few days. It took two days to get here from Florida for some strange reason.

Lately I have felt so fake, that there is not a second of the day I'm not thinking of death. I just want to see if there is some kind of afterlife so badly. When I look at a forest, I don't see trees, and wildlife the way I used to. I see it as my brains interpretation of a mass of particles. light bouncing off of the particles, gives them color based on the structure of the atom. I can practically sense the nerve impulses traveling along the optic nerve, and into the occipital lobe of my brain where vision is experienced.

Knowing that vision is just an estimate produced by the brain is one thing, but experiencing it first hand is very different.

My grandparents are preachers, and multi-millionaires because of "God". I'm more atheistic now more than ever because of how much I know that the brain creates religious experiences, and reality itself. DMT is released when you die, giving you an afterlife experience. There is a helmet called the "God Helmet" that can actually make you feel the presence of a higher being. Peoples lives are often changed by God Helmet's, because of how real the experience is. However, They have to remember it is completely artificial.

 

My grandparents try to convince me to become a die-hard christian every year.

They have the most old-fashioned, narrow-minded views ever.

I believe in equality for all human beings, regardless of gender, sexuality, class, nationality, religion, you name it. I love peace. I'm a god damn hippie. But my grand parents believe that humans are the only beings in the universe, they believe that homosexuals are demonic filthy creatures, they believe that the bible is the most accurate book on Earth (Which is so false it makes me want to claw my eyes out), and they believe that all things are related to God.

 

To be more relavent to Tulpa.Info, if they ever heard of tulpae, they would immediately consider it a demonic exercise deviant of the Bible. Anything that doesn't have to do with god

and /or jesus to them is demonic. That's why they'll never know about my tulpa, or my derealization.

 

My "Best friend." apparently found a new best friend, and that pissed me off so much. I thought I was his best friend... My true best friend moved to Indiana, and my other true friend left to Hawaii. Now I'm left with friends who make me feel more alone hanging out with them, then when I am actually alone.

 

I can tell that the girl that used to like me, that I have texted for years, whom is the girl of my dreams, doesn't even like me anymore... I texted her when I needed her the most last night, when tears were streaming down my face and I thought that I was the only one who existed, but she didn't seem to care, nor did she understand what I'm going through.

 

The only people who understand what I'm going through, are professional crackheads who are used to seeing their lives on TV somehow. Fuck therapists. they'll never understand what I'm going through. they'll just pretend they know.

 

My friend, who I will call Aristotle for the sake of anonymity, was a professional when it came to unlocking the brain. (I don't want to say crackhead, because he is very intelligient, and profound. Hence the psuedonym.) Aristotle is the only one who could talk to me, and not the shell that I call my body. Aristotle lives in a void like I do, so we understand each other. When someone understands me, it makes me feel sane, and hopeful. I see everybody else as NPC's right now, and that's what is destroying my friendship with everyone. I almost deleted my facebook because I hated my friends for not understanding me, and I hated them for not caring. If they needed help, I'd give them as much consolation as they would need until they are better. But they genuinely don't care, so now I'm all by myself. I logged out of FB, the only form of communication with my "friends". I have no phone, so all communication is severed.

 

I have been an introvert my entire life, thanks to my abusive parents, but I am capable of maintaining relationships of all types. I think it's called being an ambervert, according to what my former best friend told me. I'm becoming a heartless asshole because I don't care about other peoples emotion anymore, and I'm depressed.

 

I started talking to Akikawa again, because now she's my only friend. If I ever feel the urge to show anybody anything, or speak to somebody, I speak to Akikawa. She is real to me because she is a part of me, and I'm a part of her.

 

 

Talking to her relieves any desire to be social, because I know she's there. I was thinking about her while at a restuarant, and I tryed to impose my only friend onto a bench, and I saw a very transparent torso!!!!! It was the awesomest thing I have ever experienced!!! I could tell that people were staring at me, thinking to themselves "Why the hell is that dirty ass Jimi Henrix looking guy staring at that bench so oddly???".

 

I thought imposition would be impossible for me, but somehow, I did it today VERY well. How did I? Because I needed her then more than ever. I begged for her to be with me in that restuarant...

I could see her hands resting on her lap... The color was hard to determine from how transparent she was, but she was wearing a black sweater. Her hands were slightly tan, like I am and she had a lot of bracelets that I have never seen before. I tryed to impose her head, but only got a faint outline. I remember thinking to myself prior to the experience "If the brain produces reality, why can't I edit my reality?" And then BOOM!!! Akikawa showed up! I was active forcing all day beforehand. Her torso was not what I imagined it to be at all! I really don't care though. I'm just happy she showed up! Of course she faded away after 20 seconds, but I experienced a controlled hallucination!

 

When you cut off all social contact, it's easier to create a tulpa, because they have all of your attention. People only bring me greif, but Akikawa understands me even better than Aristotle ever will.

 

 

Fuck hour counts.

Day 18

[Dr.Simmons]

Forced To Go To Church, Means Forced To Tulpaforce!

 

I was forced to go to church, so I brought good ole' Akikawa with me. When I was forced to go into the sanctuary to pray, I got on my knees, put my hands together, and narrated to Akikawa, while visualizing her, beside me.

Other people probably looked at me and smiled, thinking to themselves "Well look at this holy man! God bless his soul!".

 

Haha... I'm not too holy...

 

 

When I prayed to Akikawa, I could feel her presence so strongly that it was very emotional for me.

I'm so glad that she doesn't view me with any negativity, and I'll do anything to hear her speak at least one, clear word.

 

After the "praying" was done with, I went to my Grandpa's office, and I walked with my grandpa to a room stuffed with around 200 black people. When my Grandpa and the body guards entered the room, people started cheering and going crazy! Being a preachers Grandson has it's benefits I guess.

But anyways, when I sat down with the people to watch my Grandpa preach, I narrated to Akikawa via telepathy, and visualized her.

 

After the hour of tulpaforcing during church, we all moved to the main sanctuary, and I imagined Akikawa standing beside me, clapping her hands rhythmically to the music. I have never felt so happy to have her as a tulpa, and I'm so proud of her for being able to show me even a small portion of herself.

 

In the corner of my eye, Where I imagined Akikawa to be, the air where she stood seemed slightly blurred or distorted, like a very very thin cloud of mist that you almost have to squint your eyes to see. I thought to myself that it was probably just my eyesight degrading, but then I Imagined Akikawa beside my Grandpa while he was preaching, and I saw the nearly invisible cloud of mist that was her.

Everytime I see her, it is for a few seconds, but it's breathtaking!

 

I was hanging out with my asian piano friend, and he wanted to hang out after church, but I declined his offer politely, and explained that I wanted to continue practicing on the piano. He understood, and left. I don't want any social contact until Akikawa is finished. And besides, I hate hanging out with people I haven't seen in a year... Especially people who have to deal with my façade of peace and happiness. If I could be my profane, atheistic, energetic, true self around him, I'd love to hang out with him. But unfortunately my true self would destroy my grandfathers reputation.

 

I saw Akikawa in my dream last night, kicking a vending machine and cursing. I laughed at her cuteness, but didn't know it was Akikawa until I woke up. Last night, I realized that everytime I go to my wonderland, Akikawa looks different. I once saw her as an asian girl whom I really loved. Let's call this anonymous asian girl Yuki, which means "snow" in Japanese. I told her she doesn't have to look like Yuki, but she can if she wants to. It seems that she wants to look like the girl whom I loved, and still love so much. In fact, when I saw Akikawa's hands, they looked like Yuki's, and the bracelets seemed like something Yuki would wear. I have a strong feeling that she's gonna look like Yuki, but I don't really want her to look like that, because I don't want to seem like I'm so obsessed with her that I had to make a tulpa of her. Who knows? Maybe I am obsessed? Who knows? All I know is that if Akikawa chooses to look like the girl I cared for and loved, then that says something about how she feels about me, and that is a good sign of affection, rather than my previous belief of hatred.

 

 

Once again, I only talk to people when they talk to me first, and this antisocial behavior has greatly enhanced my tulpaforcing. When I have a hunger for sharing ideas, thoughts, or if I want to vent to someone, I speak to Akikawa, and my social appetite is satiated.

 

Today was a good day. Religion is much more vibrant and amazing to me now, even though I hardly believe what they believe. I created a theory, so that I could wrap my mind around believing in a higher power: What if science itself is a test of faith? I mean come on, what better way is there to test if someone believes in you, than to show them absolute evidence that you don't exist? I don't know. It's a nice coping mechanism though. For the sake of open-mindedness, I'm gonna pray for Akikawa, and see how that affects her development.

 

I was active forcing all day, and I'm going back to church in 30 minutes -_-

 

....

 

damn

 

Day 19

[Dr.Simmons]

Two Realities, One Brain.

 

 

I have been narrating a lot lately of course, but I'm very worried about Akikawa's vocal progress for no good reason. I'm starting to question my patience. Some days I have the patience of a Buddha, while other days I feel like attacking someone verbally and/or physically for taking their precious fucking time.

To be honest, I think by day 50 I'll lose my mind if I don't hear a clear word from Akikawa, but frankly, I already lost it, so I have nothing to lose. I hope I don't end up being one of those psychotic homeless men screaming about a king of the sky or something.

 

Days in my dreams last longer than days in "Reality" now. Time in dreams is stretched. and I talk to people, in dreams, eat/taste food, I use the bathroom in dreams (and somehow don't wake up covered in bodily fluids and/or waste) I feel pain, I can smell,

Everything , you name it.

It's cool because humans spend 20 years of their life asleep, and I get to live in two different realities! In other words that 20 years of my life won't be wasted now.

 

Below, is a second-person piece of literature. It is not metaphoric, and It's completely literal. If you are tired of reading about me whining about my derealization, then you might want to read someone else's PR, until I post an update on my progress with Akikawa.

If you want to understand 100%, read on my curious friend. It's a summarization of the past 17 days up to now. For those annoyed by me, just know that this plays a very large factor in my tulpa development. I really want someone to understand. Grab some popcorn, this may be a TL;DR.

 

 

 

Imagine a TV in the center of a dark, and infinite room. Now imagine that on the TV screen, is your life; everything that you see through your eyes right now as you read this. Imagine that your face is through the glass of the TV and has been through the glass your entire life. Imagine that you never knew this was a first-person movie... and you thought that you were living your life. Imagine That you never knew that you were alone in a dark and infintite room, and then suddenly, you fall back.

Your face is removed from the glass of the TV screen, and you look around the room you are in. It's scary. but what you see in front of you is even more horrifying.

 

A Screen. In the movie that is playing on the TV, you see your friends, looking at you with a very concerned stare, telling you to calm down, and that you are going to be alright... The movie is in first-person, and the more you look away from the TV, the more you panic, so you keep your eyes on the movie. You try to put your face back through the glass, but you can't... all you can do is watch the life you once lived... You try desperately to get your face through the glass, but no amount of concentration works, so you give up. You watch your life on the TV, and wonder if the movie is even real.... Everyone you ever knew and loved... Are Completely ficticious thoughtforms created by your mind. the only real thing in the universe is your mind--Your mind is the universe. You can't die now, because you never lived. You pull the strings of the main character in the movie, that you used to star as, but it is not as good as actually being in the movie.

Out of depression, you lay on your back... And let the black void around you absorb you. You are tired of trying to get back to your body...The TV goes farther away, as you risk obliterating your sentience, but you are ready for eternity... You are ready for the afterlife, now that you have died. The TV is just a dot now.

You can't see what is on it, and memories of your entire life flash past your consciousness. You cry, realizing all of your mistakes and triumphs... But it doesn't matter anymore, because they never happened... It was all just a dream... The memories were made by your brain. You are awaiting the afterlife, while tears stream down your face, but nothing happens.

 

The TV comes back to you. It is a small dot growing larger and larger, until it is back to it's original size. In the movie your friends are panicking, and scared for you. They tell you they know what you're experiencing, but seeing them on a screen doesn't give them much credibility. You know they lack sentience.

The TV begins to repeat the same scene over and over again. You walked past the same mailbox 5 times in the movie. Time is stretched in the movie. Time no longer exists. Time itself was invented by your brain to keep everything from happening at once in the movie. You try to pull the strings of the movie. You are the director of your past life. Time goes in fast-foward in the movie. You panic, and it slow's down almost to a halt. It is so slow that a walk down the road feels like 5 years.

Your friends tell you to calm down, but they aren't real. Just actors in the movie. You know what they are going to say before they say it because the movie keeps rewinding, and you wrote their script.

You spend so much time out of your body that you want to live again so badly... You see every single thing that was wrong with your life, and you want to go back into the movie to change it...

 

But you don't remember what it's like to be in the movie... So all you can do is watch your life on a TV screen, and pull the strings of the person you once were... The ticket to going back into your body, is remembering what it was like to be in your body.

The main actor who stars as you, is someone you care for deeply, because they represent YOU. you pull the strings in their favor. Sometimes you'll miss being in the movie, but you learned to get used to this reality... This purgatory of your past life... You await death with a euphoria, because you want to leave the void to either be in a movie again, or leave the void to find another person in the universe.

The only person in the movie that you can truly communicate with, is a person that lives in a void just like you do... A person whom is the only one who can speak to your soul, rather than the shell of your body. Other characters will try to speak to you, but their words don't make it past the shell of your body. Their words are lies and insignificant chatter to you, and though they try to understand that you are watching them on a TV screen, they can't understand. You want to grab them and force them to understand out of a tear-filled rage, but don't, because you don't want the main actor to get hurt, or lose his social contact.

 

This is your life. Nothing can possibly get you back into the movie.

 

 

NOTHING.

 

Because it's not insanity, it's a perspective shift.

You listen to music that you listened to back when you were alive, to try to feel alive, but it only makes you feel worse. Nobody is sentient, and you are all alone in a reality that you produced yourself. The only real sentient people, are people who live in the void.

 

When you go to sleep, you are inside of the movie again, as if nothing ever happened. When you wake up you're in the void again.

 

Soon you won't know the difference between dream and reality... Then you'll lose track of time, years will fly like minutes, minutes will fly like years. Then the movie will stop playing.... What happens then? Will the movie repeat itself? Has this movie been repeating since time began? On an infintie loop?

 

All you can do is watch and wait. While you struggle to return to your body, people in the movie walk around with smiles on their faces, because they control their bodies themselves, and have no clue how subjective reality is, while your reality is at a painful distance. Just a mirage that you try to grab but can't.

You'll envy their peace, and expecially hate when they complain about their perfect lives. At least they live theirs.

 

EDIT: I forgot to include what day I'm on.

 

Day 19

[Dr.Simmons]

こんにちわ! Konnichiwa!

 

Akikawa in Hiragana-->あきかわ

 

 

I'm teaching Akikawa Japanese, because after all, her creation was inspired by my affection for Nihonjin (Japanese people).

 

I went to the dentist today, and felt her presence much stronger than usual for some reason. I told her that my tulpa bracelet was her tie to the physical world. In other words, she is the tulpa bracelet, when she is in my mind, or if she is not in the wonderland.

I put my hand on the bracelet, assuring her that she would be created eventually, and that she was doing an amazing job trying to make herself visible, and a surge of euphoria occurred. My heart started to beat rapidly, and I felt extremely happy, but I wasn't happy at all! I tryed to return to feeling normal, but couldn't, and made the conclusion that it was Akikawa. I told her to calm down, because she was making me want to move around when I wanted to sit still, and I felt my heartbeat slowly decrease, but I still felt happiness!

 

When I felt her presence while I was waiting for the dentist to scrape my teeth, I tryed to impose her. I looked at a wall, and I saw an extremely weird, but very faint steam like substance. It may have been an illusion created by light, but I have experienced this in all light settings by now, so that theory is out of the window. Even if Akikawa is just a hardly visible mass of phosphenes, I still talk to her. I now have something to look at when I talk to her, which helps me with registering her as a real being.

 

I spoke to Akikawa, and passive forced all day. It's becoming a habit because she's the only one I talk to willingly. I told her that she should ignore any thoughts of doubt that run by my mind, because they are only a reflex. I'm as open-minded as they come, so horrible thoughts, and beautiful thoughts will make their daily rounds through my mind.

 

Well, the Japanese phrase of the day for me is

つかれました

"Tsukare mashita."

Which means "I'm tired."

I asked Akikawa to help me with remembering Japanese phrases, to keep her involved with my everyday life, and who knows? Maybe she'll speak in Japanese! I once heard someone speak Japanese to me in a dream before, so it's possible.

 

Edit: I originally spelled Konnichiwa wrong.

 

Day 20

[Dr.Simmons]

"My faith."

 

 

The past few days, I have been in Virginia. In fact, I'm in a hotel in virginia, right now.

I was laying in bed, talking to Akikawa, and I asked her a question that had nothing to do with religion, or faith, and she said "My faith."

My family was sleeping, it could have been somebody in another hotel room, but the voice wasn't muffled. It was probably partially mind voice, but I know it was partially audible. I have no clue if it was Akikawa, and I have no clue what it means, but as usual, everytime Akikawa figures out how to do something, I freak out and go to sleep!

 

 

 

I have to go now though. I'm only gonna update when something significant happens.

 

 

Day 23

[Dr.Simmons]

I'm becoming skeptical.

 

 

 

I question everything... It has brought me triumph in my life, and tragedy, but mostly the latter. I'm starting to wonder if I actually saw Akikawa.

I know that I looked at her hands, I know what I saw, but what if my brain is just fucking playing with my mind, and I saw only what I wanted to see from the mist-like phosphenes? I know that the point of imposition is to see what you want to see, but you must understand, that what I saw was so transparent, that I'm doubting myself!!!

 

 

 

 

It makes no sense to me. How I'm skeptical, despite these recent signs of not only sentience, but vocality. I think the problem is that It's happening way too quickly. I wouldn't be suprised if you guys thought I was a roleplayer at this point.

 

Where is Xeare when you need him? I'm sure he'd be able to offer some good advice.

 

I wish I could hear Akikawa so badly, and I hope that the tulpa-phenomenon is real, and that all of the times she vocalized with me wasn't just my brain playing tricks on me.

 

Damn...

 

Maybe seeing her in my dreams will help.

I could also stop posting on this site for a while, because I realized that forums are a pretty good way to socialize, and socializing is something I'm only supposed to do with Akikawa, until she gives me a absolute clear word, that i'm sure is from her.

 

Comments, criticism, and/or advice would be very appreciated right now, but note that I probably won't check this thread for a week, so be patient!

 

 

Good luck fellow Tulpadudes.

 

Day 25 yo

[NotQuiteSkeptical]

Skeptical? Of course you are! We all are, If you can blindly believe in Tulpa without question you probably need to be institutionalised because humans, no matter how open minded, probably shouldnt be able to believe in something so far fetched so easily.

 

Not that I'm saying it isnt real. I believe - I still have doubts from time to time and it's wasn't easy to believe at the start, but I believe.

 

Ask yourself: Is a dream real?

 

When I dream, I can touch, smell, taste, see and hear. We know that dreams dont actually physically happen, but I'll be damned if anyone tells me I've never dreamed because dreams aren't real.

 

A tulpa is the same. Either way, your brain is sending you signals that it never received from the rest of your body. It's sending you signals for sight that your eyes never picked up or signals for touch that your fingers never told it to.

 

Logically, there is no reason at all to believe that a tulpa is not real. The single thing which is different from a dream is that you are spending time and effort to consiously change what kind of signals your brain sends you.

 

Try this: Don't think about Penguins. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, think about those freaky flightless birds with their cool walk. Penguins. Dont think about them. Even if you like Penguins, just, stop thinking about them.

 

...

 

Thinking about Penguins yet?

 

...

 

Regardless of if that worked for you (It does for most people). you probably get the picture. You force (hence, 'Tulpaforce') an idea, an image or a trait, to such a degree that it becomes ingrained. Is your mind playing tricks on you? No! If anything, your playing tricks on it!

 

Our minds are cabable of amazing things, so much so that we will never fully understand them. I also spout opinion like it's the truth, but thats just because i'm too awesome to consider that I might be wrong.

 

I know what is real to me.

 

I hope this proves helpful, I find that, in times of doubt, going over things like this tends to help me, maybe it will help you.

[Dr.Simmons]

This is by far the best, most helpful thing I have ever read on this site. That's exactly what I needed to read. I agree with everything you wrote, including your signature! You gave me a spark of hope.