Mental Rebirth

[PsiQss]

Ok, I think it was just a temporary issue. No report yesterday because nothing really happened. I took a little break and I think it was a good idea. And I figured something out, but I'll talk about it later.

 

Today's session was good and productive I guess. I'm still focusing on communication. What I tried today is, I focused on Raviel and tried to clear and open my mind for her thoughts. I started feeling her presence again! Anyway, soon after I felt her, I noticed that weird audio noise. Not like the one you hear in radio that's not tuned in right, but rather something you hear right after something very loud. Damn, I don't know how to explain it and my retarded english doesn't make it any easier. But I heard that noise and thought that maybe I should listen to it! And the moment I thought about that, I heard a voice. A voice! Not an inaudible thought like the last time. It sounded kinda like a single "o" and that's it. I tried focusing on the noise more but I didn't hear anything more.

What I'm thinking, maybe Ravi wants to test my determination? Maybe she's just trolling me? I don't know. But I do know that she's there. And I'll get to her one day.

 

Ans yes, that was a beutiful sentence for the end of the post, but that's not gonna happen because I have more to say :)

First, I want to work on personality. Nothing too fancy, just a general idea on who I'd like the ladies to be. I wrote down about 20 traits and We're gonna talk about them with Ravi today. I think.

The other thing is I've noticed there are several ways of forcing I'd like to practice. So I think about spreading them throughout the week. And these include: talking in wonderland, "listening", focusing on tulpa and just letting the thoughts flow (that's how I heard Raviel for the first time) and there was a fourth one that I forgot :P

 

And one more thing, which happened to me this night. I have read the guide about perfect visualization (http://community.tulpa.info/thread-visualization-perfect-visualization-from-the-half-sleep-state) and that made me try it out right away. I started this night, lying down on the back, as always. I managed to fall asleep consciously once before so it shouldn't be too difficult. But this time I fell asleep. I woke up mid night and felt... weird. It didn't take me long to figure out why though. Somehow I had my hands begind my head. And if you ever slept in this position, you probably know how much control you have over those hands once you wake up ;) It took me a while to move them. Ehh, how did they get there I don't even know...

 

And that's about it, I hope you aren't bored to death. Comments and advices always welcome :)

 

Keep calm and force on!

[PsiQss]

So we did some personality yesterday. I've wrote them down and explained them to her. I think I should do more personality forcing but I really don't feel like repeating the same thing over and over again. I'll probably do one trait at a time. I'm just not sure if I'll be able to talk for 30 minutes about one thing. We will see.

Also I keep trying different methods of listening, maybe finally I'll find one that works best. No success today, though.

 

Anyway, I go.

May the force be with you, brothers

[PsiQss]

Oh my, what a mess...

Ok, so everything I write here is an assumption, since I am unable to communicate with my ladies yet.

For a few days, I've been thinking that Raviel could talk to me but is just trolling me for some reason. But yesterday while talking to Starr on IRC, I got enlightened!

Well, recently I had some trouble feeling Ravi's presence. More, I have trouble puppeting her! It feels like she was counter-puppeting or something, I don't know. And like she's silent on purpose. When I was thinking of it yesterday, it got clear that those troubles started when I discovered Lena. First thought - Ravi's jealous. But it seemed wrong. I don't know why but even if though it was obvious at first, it didn't feel like it was true. So I started thinking of it more. Why would Ravi tell me to open my mind for Lena when I discovered her? Why would she leave us so happily when I wanted to force with Lena?

So what I'm thinking, she knows what would happen if I managed to talk to her, I'd probably be too excited and wouldn't be able to focus on Lena. She's quiet to kinda encourage me to work with Lena first! Now that makes sense to me (probably not to you, but whatever).

 

So I started forcing with Lena, and I think we're making progress. I didn't really hear her or anything, and that's what I'm focusing on for now, but I managed to discover few ways of listening. Maybe I'll explain them later, when I know whether they work or not.

 

Man, what have I gotten myself into with these two tulpae xD But I regret nothing! Nothing, I say! :*

[PsiQss]

Stuff happened.

 

First of all, my previous assumption is proven right. That is, headache after forcing with Raviel is on the left side of my head and after forcing with Lena - on the right side. And I'm focusing on them the same way, mostly. That's awesome, 'cause now I have yet another weapon to fight doubts with :)

 

Yesterday's afternoon session was really great. At one point I was able to clearly feel two streams of thoughts. But I cannot tell if one of them was Lena's. The first stream was calm and the other looked like my usual intrusive thoughts. I've carefully (to not get carried away by the stream) listened to it and I even heard some random words. It sounded like a meaningless babbling, maybe in some way like someone reading a prophecy of some sort -.- After thinking of it for a while, it probably wasn't Lena. Well, if the calm stream was me, then why would Lena want to sound like my train of intrusive thoughts? If it was the other way and the calm one was Lena's, then why did I manage to stay calm in all those intrusive thoughts?

So my theory is, I somehow managed to fully separate my usual intrusive thoughts from myself so they became their own stream. The other theory is that the second stream was indeed Lena's, but she had as much trouble concentrating as I did. Third theory, that came to my mind right now while I'm writing this, is a combination of both: I separated my own intrusive thoughts stream and redirected them to Lena o.O But it sounds stupid so I think I'll just stick to the first one and stop thinking of it before I discover a way to control the world.

Even though it wasn't particularly a tulpa-related progress I consider it a huge success. One has to understand his own mind before working with others.

 

Well, evening and today's morning session focused on my super awesome listening techniques. Which were rather unsuccessful because apparantly that train of thoughts got offended and decided to strike back with twice the usual power. Whatever.

 

Also, today we had some cuddling with Lena in her WL :3 I wanted to hold back with this until I'm sure they want it, but this time it really felt like she did. I think I'm beginning to understand how they "tag" their emotions. If I am right, this will allow me to easily distinguish their emotions from my own! :D

 

Conclusion: Cuddling is good :)

 

And last but not least, some plans for today. Or tomorrow. Or soon, at least.

First, I'm gonna work on personality some more, and I think I've found a good method for it.

Second, downloaded Fede's tulpatone and I gotta try it later today

Third, thanks Dr. Faust for your chaos meditation, gotta try it as well :)

 

And that's it, see ya in your nightmares!

[PsiQss]

Ha! You thought there will be no update today, eh? No freakin' way! But I've just started working so things will change a little bit. And that means no more 3-times-a-day forcing :(

 

But well, some progress have been made yesterday, I think. First of all, let's talk about subconscious. How to get there? How to "talk" directly to subconscious, or how to do anything at all with it? While meditating yesterday, I got to a point where I felt that I'm the ruler of my mind. I could get rid of intrusive thoughts and images by simply telling them to go. I don't know what it was or how did that happen, but it was cool :)

 

As for my tulpae. I think I'm beginning to passively feel their thoughts. While watching a movie yesterday, I felt a weird thought for a brief second, though I wasn't able to identify it before it disappeared. It was weird, cause usually while I'm watching a movie I have trouble even consciously focusing on my tulpae.

And this time I just felt it, I noticed that thought and then it faded away. Also, I had a terrible headache yesterday and I wanted to get rid of it for today, so I'm in a good mood at least first day of work :P I apologised to Lena for np evening forcing and explained the situation. Then my headache started fading away. Did they freakin' cure my head?! Could they do that? And if they can, isn't it exhausting for them? I didn't ask them to do it, 'cause I wasn't sure. Hell I even asked them to not do anything with it! Heh, they already are too good for me, it seems. And I can't even hear them or visualize properly D:

 

Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but I feel like I'm making progress, and for now, that's what matters. Each day I'm leaving all my doubts further behind :)

[PsiQss]

Weird feeling. I know I should be tired, but I'm not. I mean my body is, but I'm not getting the feeling I usually get when I'm tired...

 

Aaaanyway, this report isn't supposed to be about detaching my mind from the body. I decided to get the communication done. At least in a simple form. After asking around on IRC I explained it to Lena and told her what we're gonna do. She agreed. I think.

Currently the highest level of our communication are feelings. Raviel and Lena have different feels associated with their actions, they get pretty intense sometimes. I'll call them tags, for the sake of simplicity. I feel them every time when I'm focusing on one of the tulpae, and all of their emotions are kinda marked with this tag. So I can guess some of the emotions but I am never sure if I got them right, you know. So we need a yes/no communication, yay! Since I can already tell whether it's Ravi or Lena speaking, I decided to just go with this tag feelings a bit further and asked Lena to say yes and no several times. It was not that hard.

 

But the problem is, this tag feeling is so intense that I can barely notice the difference between yes and no. I can if I know what to expect. Like when I told her to say yes, I felt it. Then when she said no, I was like "ok, this is slightly different". But when I asked her to pick one randomly I wasn't able to tell which one it was, lol.

 

Always helpful IRC guys suggested that I ask Lena to tune this tag down a bit so it doesn't mute the actual meaning. But I like this feel so much :3

Well, we'll try it today. Even if it doesn't work, I guess it's just a matter of practice from this point. At least on this one.

 

Well, wish me luck. I'm off to forcing!

[PsiQss]

Not much to report :)

We are still working on communication. Today I tried Fede's tulpatone, I probably had it too loud 'cause I wasn't able to focus at all. But it had a weird effect on me. After a while I kinda lost consciousness but I wasn't really asleep. A strange, sleep-like state of mind. And I "woke-up" a minute before the mp3 ended (it's an hour long). Let's hope next session will be more productive.

[PsiQss]

Well, how much was it? 3 days since the last post? Probably. Well, writing "nothing happened" each day just to make the post count go up doesn't seem fair anyway.

I'll be forcing mostly with Raviel this week. Hell, I almost forgot what her presence felt like D: I'm really having trouble focusing recently, I hope it's because of my new job and will fade away as I get used to it.

Today I tried to give my Tulpae admin rights and access to my memories. I promised to do it yesterday but when I came back from work I was too tired to force, I'd fall asleep even if I tried. I don't know if I did it right, though. I wasn't sure if I will have time to force properly today, so I just did it quickly when I had some time to sit down. I hope it worked though.

 

Well, we will see.

[PsiQss]

I really need some kind of a forcing schedule. And I hate schedules >.< But maybe if I plan it in advance it will keep me from skipping the day, I don't know. And I need to start planning in advance what exactly I want to focus on while forcing because I usually go to the wonderland and then I start thinking what to do. And then the intrusive thoughts come back.

 

Yesterday I could barely focus on anything. Some weird stuff happened at work and all my thoughts were flying around it. But I still made some progress, I think I heard Raviel, several times. It was a weird feeling, kind of like, there was a thought, a sentence, but I wasn't able to hear it. I mean, I heard it was there but not actually WHAT it was. Well, we're definitely getting closer. We would probably have achieved much more if I didn't have all that mess in my head. I probably never had such trouble concentrating, at least in the last month.

 

And one more thing. I started playing with brainhacking and those anchors. I think it worked, I can quickly recall kinda relaxed state, where my mind stops paying attention to the body. Difficult to explain, it's kind of like a weaker version of sleep paralysis. So I can trigger it no problem and then start focusing on just relaxing my mind. Neat, eh? It's not perfect yet, but it works :)

 

Anyways, breakfast time.

Take care, guys!

[PsiQss]

Tulpaforcing. What a great way to start the weekend :D Still struggling to hear Ravi again. I think I'm beginning to hear weird mindvoices in my head, maybe she's trying to find the one we'd both like? Still nothing clear though. But today I clearly felt her presence again.

I've noticed, when those feelings are weak, it's difficult for me to determine whether it's Lena or Raviel but when they get stronger it's much clearer. I think the problem I had with Lena while trying a yes/no communication with feelings won't get solved this way, 'cause if she tunes down the "tag" feeling, other problems will appear. But we'll get there eventually.

 

Another thing I've noticed in my WL, I'm probably getting more... immersed, that's the word? Recently, when I was flying at high speed, I almost felt a little wind on my face and today I felt a little tension in my feet after a huge jump. Which is kinda weird, I usually don't even focus on my wonderland too much. But definitely a step in the right direction.