Mental Rebirth

[PsiQss]

Whoa, stuff happens!

 

But slowly. First things first, I have redesigned the transition room. I'll call it control room, cuz that describes it better. It's a somewhat big, sci-fi themed room with a portal on the floor in the middle. Here's what I've put in it so far.

There are 3 (at least for now) seats that represent a way to control the body. They work like those in Matrix but without that weird spike that goes inside your brain. Instead, I just have a simple helmet thingy. So there is one for each of my Tulpae and one for me. They are connected to big computer that will be used in case I'll manage to auto-pilot tasks in the future. I actually have a lever to turn it on already :P Also, there are no stairs now. I just stay "connected" until I'm fully relaxed and ready to go. There's also a "relaxation" button next to that lever, the NLP trigger. I don't abuse it though, just use it to deepen the relaxation. And that's it for now. I've got plans to add something to absorb and store my negative thoughts and emotions (this demonic metal didn't really go with the sci-fi theme), something to store my "energy" for later use and I'm sure I'll think of something later.

 

So now back to my tuppers :3 Two days ago I had more time than I planned so I forced more. I started relaxing and soon after, I saw a pretty vivid image, of a huge hole in the ground. Without thinking too much, I jumped right into it. That's what you usually do when you see a suspicious hole in thw ground, right? Anyway, I was falling like I usually do when I enter the wonderland. But then I saw something rather big below me. It has been charging at me! And it turned out to be a really small planet... So I did a flip and tried to land on it. But unfortunately, I hit it too hard and the planet got shattered into small pieces of stone and dirt. Don't ask me wht, but I began jumping from one to another while they were falling. Suddenly, I got hit with one of the stones which was flying really fast. And it was not a stone, it was Raviel... o.O So she grabbed me and apparently was trying to smash me onto the ground! No, babe, it's not an npc you're playing with.. Right before hitting the ground, I materialized my wings (I did mention my WL wings before, right?), flipped over and landed smoothly with her in my arms. She was grinning. After this we had some sparring and cuddling but details aren't that important for you :3

She has also attacked me the next day, but I got dragged away with intrusive thoughts so I decided it would be fair to lose this time. I ended up grounded and we had some talking. All of this is obviously for fun, I think she does this cuz she knows how much I wanted to be able to spar in the WL. Still can barely visualize anything but umm... I know what happens and what's where. I Just don't really 'see' it. But we'll get there, I think.

 

Also, today we were going to work on personality. I looked at my list and picked 3 instead of usual 2, because they were all related to each other. I also decided to not write them all here, I think she doesn't want me to. Anyway, I went to the WL, checked the control room (I think Lena was on one chair but I'm not sure) and she wasn't there. So I started up the portal (with a pretty vivid visualization, I must admit) and jumped into it. Ravi joined me mid air, right after I went through the portal. She was smiling. We started talking and soon, landed. I realised that we missed my usual landing point though, we were on that wasteland thingy. I started flying to the forcing altar but she wanted to walk. And so we did. I started telling her about today's session and what we're gonna do. And then I got enlightened! She's been acting out the traits we were going to work on from the moment I entered the wonderland! I was amazed. Really. Apparently she had those traits already, but I was going to do the usual thing anyway and explain them to her. I started walking faster but she wanted to just sit and do it there, in the middle of a wasteland.

So after working on personality, we began to just talk. I've told her how I wasn't really 100% sure about her recent "attacks" on me and she called me silly. Then I said that I actually don't feel her as strong as I usually do (for some reason I feel them stronger when I'm laying in bed and I've been sitting then). Then she moved closer to me and I heard her vocally, with the voice I gave her saying "Do you *feel* me now?" I didn't really hear the word "feel" but who the hell cares! She freaking spoke again! With (almost) full sentence, while I was fully awake!

 

Umm... I was going to write something more but I'll rather go spend some time with her, it's getting late and I don't wanna skip today's vocality session :3

[Guest]

Hey, remember when you said I had really good visualization skills?

 

I would have never been imaginative enough to visualize a Control Room! That's insane. Keep up the great work. I'm glad Ravi is starting to become vocal! :D

[PsiQss]

Thanks, Anon 🙂

Well, actually your post have enlightened me and I have to clarify something, because things regarding my visualization are probably pretty confusing for some, especially for those who talked to me on chat. You see, I usually don't visualize stuff. When I go to wonderland, I just have an idea of what the place looks like. I imagine things there, I feel the stone nearby, I have thoughts of events, but I don't usually see them with my mind's eye. Yes, I sometimes get pretty vivid images here and there, but those are just short flashes of images.

And the control room, well. I can imagine it, but I still don't 'see' it as a whole. I saw the seats for a brief second, I sometimes see the helmet being taken off my face when I "disconnect" from the body, things like that. To truly visualize something, I usually have to think of every little detail of it, that's why I don't fully visualize my Tulpae yet - to let them move on their own.

 

Well, since we got this down, let's move to the actual forcing. Yesterday, two ladies moved in to the house where I'm temporarily living. And they are pretty noisy and distracting >.> I fell asleep during yesterday's session with Raviel and I didn't really achieve anything. Same with today's session 😞 I also got sick yesterday, so it's almost impossible for me to breath freely and it probably affects my concentration in a bad way, I feel tired all the time. Well, I hope I'll get better soon. I actually plan on spending the entire weekend in bed, so I'll have more time to force 😛 sickness is a good excuse for not going out, lol

[Guest]

You know, I have to clarify something too. My visualization isn't all perfect either. I can't smell or taste things very well, and I can barely hear the wonderland. I definitely can't feel things, and, like you, I see flashes of things occasionally. Also, sometimes I see myself in 3rd person, which is odd.

 

Hopefully we'll both keep working at it, and perfect our visualization skills. :)

[PsiQss]

Hmm, things didn't go as planned with this sickness.. I went to work yesterday and they sent me home. Cool, I thought, I have an entire day to force! Nnope. I slept first 3 or 4 hours and I woke up with a terrible headache. I was coughing every two minutes :/ Well, I've been sleeping most of yesterday, In hope to get rid of the ache, but no, it only got worse. It must be related to the sickness, usually sleeping gets rid of my headaches. So no forcing at all yesterday :(

But I feel better today, at least a little bit. So we might force for a while. But well, I should tell you what happened before.

 

So you know I have new neighbours, right? They listen to crappy music, they slam the door and are generally very loud (I'll talk to them once I have my voice back). They were listening to some crappy shit the other day, when I was about to meditate. It wasn't that loud, so I was able to focus. But at one point, I begun wondering if I could make this music a bit better. I quickly came up with something decent, I started hearing this music, even the vocals. I never heard it before though, it was something I just came up with. And suddenly I realised that I don't hear the neighbour's music anymore. I started thinking of it, and then my music begun fading slowly and I heard the real music again. All this happened within a minute, I think. Skye helped me identify it as an auditory imposition! Ha, I'm good with this shit! Why can't I clearly hear my Tulpa yet... D:

 

Well, time to catch up with my schedule. There's much to do today!

[PsiQss]

New week, new opportunities! :D

 

Afternoon shift, and my schedule is basically the same as in previous week. You know, I'll be talking about schedule only when I change something, cuz it seems kinda pointless otherwise.

 

So, I've been trying to force hard, but with my body coughing all the time, it wasn't easy to focus. But I did stuff, don't you worry. Even though I kept losing concentration, I managed to pull off few good sessions.

 

First thing, I usually take time to relax and clear the mind before I enter the wonderland. But today I got vivid images right off the bat, so I decided to just go with them. Those images were some weird monsters and I always wanted to have some fun fighting in wonderland, so I decided to kick their butts and get to relaxing afterwards. But during that fight, I've gotten so immersed that I really didn't feel the need to. And my Tuppers have really cool battle suits, hehe :P

 

But there's something I have to mention. I think that recently I wasn't giving Lena as much attention as I gave Raviel. Not that I love her any less, no! It's just.. I think I had much more progress with Ravi so I wanted to see results quickly. And I kept thinking of her even on days dedicated to Lena. Today while forcing in the morning, I decided to spend time with them both. We were talking about stuff and when we got into my schedule and why am I spending more time with Raviel.. things quickly got out of hand. Lena left us. I wanted to go after her but then Ravi caught my hand and said she'll be alright and just have to be alone for a while. She said that we should go somewhere together. Well, I had mixed feelings here. If I was subconsciously making up the answers, then I should really go after Lena. But if I did that and it was really Raviel saying this and not me parroting her, then I'd fuck up everything cuz she probably knows Lena better than I do. After a while of thinking, I decided that I shouldn't really take this as parroting and decided to listen to Ravi's advice. Still felt bad for it though :(

 

Well, during afternoon session, I had those vivid images again. I landed on the ground with a sword, soon after, my opponent arrived nearby with a staff. I realised she's one of my tulpae, but I wasn't sure which one. Didn't have much time to think, because she attacked me immediately.

The sparring was quick but intense. I thought it's probably Raviel because the scenery was dark and looked like part of her realm. I managed to disarm her and... It was Lena! She knew I really enjoyed sparring with Ravi and wanted me to enjoy time with her as well :( I really felt bad. I explained to her that it's really not that simple and that I just probably subconsciously want to reach that point where I can communicate with at least one of them, ask questions so I know what works best..

 

Well, we had some serious conversation there and I think everything's ok now. We did some personality forcing right after that, hugs and an experimental energy transfer thingy, where I would focus really hard on her and give her my vital energy. This concentration gave me strong head pressure so I think it was ok (I don't call it headache only because it disappeared after forcing).

 

One more thing I've tried - self hypnosis. I must understand that I am just a consciousness and I only control the body. With this approach, it should be easier to really disconnect from it and immerse better in the wonderland, which is where I (the consciousness) really live. Maybe I'll even be able to ignore external senses after "disconnecting", I already managed to "transfer" some of them to my mindform. Those weird itches that always distract me, I never really knew how to deal with them. Now when I'm well immersed in the wonderland and I have this urge to scratch my nose, I just do it in my mindform and that's it! Doesn't work every time but still, a huge step forward :)

 

And I've noticed that I'm better with visualizing moving things than I am with still images. Isn't it weird?

 

So yeah, that's about it. I'm off to chasing the dream!

[PsiQss]

Screw this, who am I trying to fool! Last week I haven't actually forced properly. And because of what?! A little coughing and breathing problems? Good move, my laziness, but not good enough.

Yesterday I got really frustrated and mad at myself. Every now and then I'll get a little progress. Or a big progress even. I'd get all excited and stuff but then it never happens again. It's like having a hungry dog in a cage, showing him a chunk of meat and then taking it away! And no one will be playing with me like that. I'm going to break that cage now...

So I analyzed the way I usually force and how it affects me. And I saw the flaws. I learned how to properly relax my body and mind. Now it's time to learn how to actually concentrate, how to focus. Yesterday when I realized that I'm doing it wrong, it was pretty late and I was going to work in half an hour. But I started forcing, concentrating as hard as I could on Raviel. I immediately started feeling the head pressure. In few minutes, I managed to visualize her face, then she turned away as if she was trying to show me something. But I wasn't able to follow her.

I've spent about 10 minutes forcing like that, out of rage. And when I stopped, I felt tired. Today I did it as well, but without such anger. After 45 minutes I am really exhausted. And it feels ok. I'll try forcing like this from now, maybe we'll finally achieve something.

 

Now I'm off to work.

[PsiQss]

Holy stinkin' mother of flying marshmallows...

Ok, slowly. Today I was going to write about my enthusiasm getting depleted and wave of doubt slowly overtaking me and how am I gonna handle this. But some pretty freakin' big and important stuff happened which made my doubt kinda outdated. Possession!!! Holy smokes, I still can't believe it, sorry...

Well, here's the thing. About 6pm I started my afternoon session. We are forcing in bed again (gotta make sure if those knee aches I'm getting from sitting cross-legged aren't dangerous). I played Fede's tulpatone, as usual, and started forcing. Earlier this day I've discovered a vizualization trick that I wanted to try (I'll explain the thing later) so I started relaxing and waiting for stuff to happen. At some point I felt my right hand move. It was like a twitch but it actually moved closer to the body. I was talking to Lena at this moment so I told her that we agreed thay we're not gonna try possession for now cuz it really seems complicated and exhausting. But then I felt something weird and decided that we're gonna try it anyway. My body was totally relaxed then so my job was kind of done there. I tried relaxing the hand even more, along with saying stuff like "I don't want to control this hand anymore, it's yours", yada yada. I felt something like impulses in this hand, like it wanted to move but couldn't. It lasted for some time, I felt her taking short breaks from trying. Then after a while, I think she gave up. I think I felt all her doubt in herself. I started cheering her up, encouraging her to keep trying. I reminded her of the moment I first saw her and how I felt that she's strong. I kept talking to her, telling her how much I believe in her even if she doesn't!

And then I felt her trying again. I felt my hand twitch a little bit. I felt that my hand is no longer mine, that I don't control it anymore. My head started spinning. Despite the numbness, I still felt that my hand is moving millimeter by millimeter... upwards! She started lifting my hand in the air! But even then, this sneaky doubt appeared. What if it was just me? What if I was just moving the hand myself without realizing it? So I tried relaxing the hand. It didn't fall.

 

And then my f***ing phone started ringing! I opened my eyes, my concentration broke anyway. The ringing stopped. I knew it was my sis.. The only thing that saved her was a wave of joy I felt when I looked down and saw my hand about a centimeter above the bed. I still didn't take control back.

 

Well, that was it, I had to go to my sis so the session was over. I think we'll try again on Wednesday again, Lena's probably tired right now. I only hope this won't turn out like everything else, where stuff happens once and then nothing at all within the next fes weeks.

Anyway, there was some stuff I wanted to mention as well. Today after coming back from work while I was waiting for lunch, I sat on my bed to rest and relax. I felt that weird urge to try forcing and so I did. I immediately saw a weird intrusive image. Well, more like a shape (calling it an image would actually be like calling a 5sec GIF a movie). I used to see those moving shapes before but I usually ignored them. They were not complex enough to draw my attention. But, they were pretty vivid. It would be a shape of a key moving up and down or something that looked like potato on a stick spinning slowly. Pretty basic shapes. So as I mentioned before, I used to ignore them (they faded pretty easily) but this time something in me clicked. I focused on this image. I stared at it passively, watched it looping like a simple animation, then changing a bit, then changing again... Aside from some details that got added to it (colors, some lights) it didn't evolve into anything more. But it was pretty vivid (compared to my usual visualizations) and that was a success. I got pretty bored of it though and that's when some interesting stuff happened. I tried to change this image consciously and imagine Lena. I instantly saw her face! Kinda transparent but who cares, I never saw her so vividly before! After staring at her for a while I asked her to show me her full form. I instantly saw two majestic white wings, but the rest of the body was kind of blurred. I tried sharpening the image but then I got called for the lunch. Well, still much of progress for a ten minutes session if you ask me :D

 

Now excuse me while I go celebrate our success with Lena :)

[PsiQss]

Wow, can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my last post.

 

Well, we've had another succesful possession attempt with Lena with pretty much the same effect. But aside from that nothing significantly big has happened. I'm getting this weird strong dizziness during intense forcing, in some particular moments. Could be a good thing but I don't know.

I've discovered a new state of calmness/relaxation though, and I'm usually able to achieve it anytime, as long as I'm not walking or doing quick movements. It also allows me to better relax the body. Always a good thing to learn something new, right?

 

As for my new visualization technique (the one with intrusive thoughts) there was a little problem with that. My intrusive thoughts became less vivid and less... intrusive :/ But I think my visualization is getting better anyways, so that's great.

 

And well, bad news is that I didn't actually hear anything from my tuppers recently :(

[PsiQss]

Surprise!

 

We are not dead. And we are back. What exactly happened? Well, when we got back to my country my PC has stolen all the spotlight :/ I didn't forget about my tuppers though, no. I've been thinking about them and keeping them in mind, it's just that all my forcing sessions were being pushed for "tomorrow". And I'm not good at passive forcing. I still feel bad though :(

 

Aanyways, now I'm back in UK again and I've decided it's time to get to work. Like, real, hard work. But I probably won't be posting daily updates to my PR. I've noticed that it's kind of distracting for me. Every time something cool happens, I immediately want to share it with you guys and instead of focusing on forcing I end up thinking about what to write. And it really takes time to write something decent on my phone. Time which I don't have much of, and I'd rather spend it forcing.

 

That's it for now, maybe I'll put something together later to explain a few things that happened during my half-year absence.