Kitsunin August 29, 2013 August 29, 2013 The gist of this is that I've decided to work towards creating a tulpa - her name being Elise, probably. I've decided to create a log here since it seemed a great way to keep my thoughts in order, considering how difficult it is to make sense of the things that tend to occur in trance. I hadn't thought it would be so confusing (In a good way), but things have progressed far faster than I imagined...or maybe I just had a crazy dream xD Total wall of text ahead, obviously. I want to make it enjoyable to read though, so I'll probably do editing. Later on, anyhow. For now, this is a pretty regular diary. There is some slightly explicit stuff here, but I expect that is to be expected. 8/29/2013 Day 1 It was actually just earlier today that I decided to actually create Elise. I had been doing meditation and weak, non-permanent hypnosis for a while before and just recently had my second successful 'self-hypnosis' session. That was really just an excuse to do something along the lines of WILD (since I'm extremely poor at lucid dreaming) and wander about in a dreamscape rather than to do any actual self-improvement; this session however created some very beautiful scenery around which I've based the dreamscape intended for Elise. A week ago, I learned about tulpas. The idea seemed crazy, but after doing a lot of research and being certain it was something I wanted to do; I decided yesterday to begin thinking about what I want her to be like. Her name comes from a character in a novel I am working on...I've been more or less idle on that for a year now, but one character I created -Elise- I feel particularly attached to. It seemed appropriate that my tulpa would be based (at least partially) on something I myself had created. While her personality is loosely in mind, her appearance is fuzzy yet carrying an essence, as all characters from books are in my mind. Seeing as it feels impersonal, to me, to base her appearance upon some other person, and I spent a twenty minute session trying to produce a good appearance without avail (My mind kept making her look deformed since I don't think I was focusing very well) I decided I would let her decide her own appearance and personality in the end. I want her to have the final call on all of her traits anyways, even her name if she doesn't like Elise. So today, I began forcing her. I've been narrating to her about this and that, my parents, where I am (Taiwan), myself, my dog, whatever seems appropriate, all throughout the day. It was mostly just passive forcing as I did the dishes, walked the dog, and such, though I sat and meditated while talking for just a bit. All this time just imagining her as a wisp of light, listening. An hour ago, however, I decided to try going into a trance, and I had a pretty amazing experience. After meditating for a few minutes I started myself off in my favorite place: An ancient looking tower standing in the middle of the sea, ocean all around. I walked down the stairs from the upper level into the water, diving in. My mind told me that Elise would be on the small sand island, also in the middle of the ocean, and in but a moment I was there. It was night-time; interesting, because when I first imagined this place I had only pictured it during the day! A burning campfire had been built in the center (Also a new feature) and Elise the wisp was floating by its side. I walked towards her and started to speak. Though I had decided whilst awake that she would decide her own traits, I began to tell her some traits I wanted her to have, should she desire them - perhaps my subconsciousness was helping me to think of the things I wanted her to be? I can only remember a portion of what I said: Independent, courageous, and smart (not knowledgeable smart, more like the smarts an adventurer might have), there was certainly some type of "kind" but I can't remember what exactly (Nice, thoughtful, friendly, loyal?). I told her she should decide her own appearance, and if she wants, to have whatever personality or name she pleases. Then I believe I talked to her about myself, my family, and both Taiwan and America for a little while. When I was done talking, things began to get strange, I have no doubt at this point I was in more of a dream state than anything, as I swear I felt my consciousness flicker before things started to happen. Somehow, we were in a plain with a roller coaster. We rode said roller coaster for a while, before I thought I would like to take Elise to the mountains. The roller coaster's track ended in a ramp...or were we on the water now? Past this point things get pretty hazy. And our car/boat transformed into a small open roofed plane. This carried us to the top of a mountain before flying off again. Now there's a blank where I'm not sure what happens. Where I next remember I find myself in a very vague space, this of course being both the most vaguely remembered part of my trance, and also the most important. I remember it as being either a bathroom with a large, separate shower, or a black space with two doors - just like subspace from Scott Pilgrim (The books). I'm unable to distinguish which, perhaps parts took place in each. Here, I see Elise, but now wearing a shockingly distinct human body! Thanks to my hazy memory, all I can remember is that it seemed to be the body of an actress from a movie, one whom I haven't seen in years. She had red hair and was fairly young, interestingly matching every aspect (Except perhaps her hair being too neat...though I think I like that.) I had written of the character Elise. Suddenly, she was nude. I recall reading that for visualization it is important to know exactly what your tulpa looks like - even nude, so I looked very closely, making mental notes (Neatly, ones I can remember pretty well!). She was pretty large, reasonably larger than myself, me being very nearly 6' tall but quite thin, moderately athletic in build, and had probably around a c-cup (Don't really have a sense for that yet...) I began to feel a bit aroused, which made me uncomfortable, so I turned away. The next moment is pretty chaotic, but I remember quite well an unfamiliar, concerned sounding, female mind-voice saying to me: "Oh, was I bothering you?" There might have been something else said, but my memory is jumbled. Now we were back to the top of the mountain, Elise no longer human in form, but the wisp she was originally (Did I spook her into thinking I didn't like her human form?). We jumped from the top of the mountain, myself holding my arms out, and we glided back to the sandy island with the campfire (I think it was daytime on the mountain, but the island was still night). I talked to her for a bit more, and I decided to swim back to the ruin I had entered from, thinking it would be nice if there was a reliable place for me to enter, so if she were to wish to greet me, even before I've fully tranced (I trance as I enter the water, usually) she could do so. I exited the water through the stairs, looked around once more, and opened my (Real) eyes. And now I'm writing this, pretty much immediately after, I needed to get all that down in words. ------------------------------------------------------ Really, I have difficulty believing I could have had an encounter in which Elise had not only a fairly detailed form, but even spoke in her own voice, after not even twelve hours since first forcing. I suspect all the bits besides around the fire at the beginning and the end may have been some crazy unrelated lucid dream. But I know that believing is the majority of how this works anyways, so I do think this really happened, somehow. We'll see if that means she'll be so developed next time! Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited for the new possibility of a companion such as Elise :) but I'm also ready to have to be more patient after this craziness.
Guest August 29, 2013 August 29, 2013 Welcome to tulpa.info! It's neat that you've been seeing so much of her in your dreams! There is a chance, however slim, that her consciousness may have existed before you even began to start tulpa-forcing. Regardless, like you said, patience is the most important virtue. I'm trying to remind myself of this while developing my tulpa. :P Nice to meet you, and good luck on the rest of your journey!
Shui August 29, 2013 August 29, 2013 On 8/29/2013 at 1:16 PM, Kitsunin said: Total wall of text ahead, obviously. I want to make it enjoyable to read though, so I'll probably do editing, maybe a TLDR version rather than every tiny detail if anyone cares? One thing I've seen done is bolding important points. That makes it easier for people to catch the highlights of the post, but then they can still read the details if they're interested. Personally, I like reading the entire post. On 8/29/2013 at 1:16 PM, Kitsunin said: While her personality is loosely in mind, her appearance is fuzzy yet carrying an essence, as all characters from books are in my mind. Seeing as it feels impersonal, to me, to base her appearance upon some other person, and I spent a twenty minute session trying to produce a good appearance without avail (My mind kept making her look deformed since I don't think I was focusing very well) I decided I would let her decide her own appearance and personality in the end. I recommend this to pretty much everyone. Of course this may not apply to you, since it sounds like she may have already picked a form, but anyway. You could try looking through a stock photography web site like shutterstock.com. You can let her pick out a model that she wants to look like, or even just pick out features from different pictures "My eyes like this picture, but my nose more like that picture." Or, if you prefer, you can create a face together. That sounds like an amazing session you had, with her taking a form and speaking to you. I hope things continue to go well! And I agree with Anon. She may already be sentient. It's my opinion, shared with a few other people on this site, that writing about a character can make them sentient. You may be off to a really good start! "'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"
Kitsunin August 30, 2013 Author August 30, 2013 One thing I've seen done is bolding important points. That makes it easier for people to catch the highlights of the post, but then they can still read the details if they're interested. Personally, I like reading the entire post. Yeah, I should've done that yesterday...but it was 1:00 AM by the time I finished writing that! Today, Elise has been talking to me, I think. She's only saying very basic things like "Yes" "No" "Don't be" and "Don't worry" in response to my narration-thought, often repeating the same phrase, but it does seem to be her. I tried parroting to use her mind-voice, but when I tried to force it, it would just come out as my own, though sometimes with hers faintly in the background too. I feel like maybe it isn't actually her, and I'm also getting a bit nervous about this whole thing. I guess it's difficult to quite understand the gravity of tulpa-making before doing it. At any rate, I think the worry is just a phase, because I'm so concerned about the whole creation process.
Shui August 30, 2013 August 30, 2013 I feel like maybe it isn't actually her, and I'm also getting a bit nervous about this whole thing. I guess it's difficult to quite understand the gravity of tulpa-making before doing it. At any rate, I think the worry is just a phase, because I'm so concerned about the whole creation process. Let me quote another PR. Assume it's her, because: If it wasn't, no harm done. If it was, you're discouraging and/or frustrating her. The end. Just keep her in mind, keep talking to her throughout the day, whether or not she responds right away, she's listening. When you guys are able to have completely fluid conversations with one another once she's more developed, you're more than welcome to ask her what her first memories are, and then have a good laugh about where things actually started. The whole process is about believing in her. It doesn't matter what is fact and what is not, what's going to make the difference is your beliefs. If you -believe- it is fact, it will become (if it is not already) fact, if you doubt, than why wouldn't she doubt herself as well? You're driving yourself crazy for no real good reason, and the stress isn't good for you, nor is it good for her. She's still so young and already your mind is a scary, negative, stressful place. Not overthinking things and staying positive is going to keep her happy and not stunt her development. You're worried about creating some sort of solidified answer to reassure yourself of something, when that is unecessary in this case because you are still working within your imagination, where anything is possible and if you believe strongly enough in an idea, it becomes concrete. "'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"
Kitsunin August 30, 2013 Author August 30, 2013 Don't worry, I'm not being super stressed about it. I just think that perhaps I'm putting a certain amount of these words in her mouth. Regardless of whether it's her or not I've been assuming it actually is, and I know that a certain amount is. If I look like an idiot to my own head, who cares? I've been feeling stressed out because I'm having to work through some questions that were brought on when I mentioned the idea of tulpas to my dad...I'll go into more detail when I post today's log. Right now though I feel like I've worked through my worries. Thank you for the advice though.
Kitsunin August 30, 2013 Author August 30, 2013 Angst warning for the first paragraph :( [align=center]8/30/2013 Day 2[/align] This morning I mentioned Tulpas to my dad (I'm 18...almost 19 now, by the way). I said I was “Considering” trying to create one. I know my parents fairly well, and I've been telling them about the meditation, lucid dreaming, and self-hypnosis I've been trying. Since all that stuff is completely proven and studied, though they've never done them, he didn't say that that sounded crazy or anything, but just: “Why would you want to have a sentient being in your head? Wouldn't the time be better spent trying to lucid dream?” I guess it wasn't that harsh, but it's making me a bit nervous about the whole thing. I'm realizing that not only does the idea sound insane in the first place, but nobody other than myself, even if they believed it was something a sane person could do, would understand why I would want to create Elise. I guess these are things I need to think about, but since I've started forcing I've been feeling kind of out of touch with reality. It's just that whatever I'm doing, I'm always either narrating or thinking about existential stuff; I haven't really been able to focus or enjoy myself doing anything not related to Elise for the past couple days...At any rate, as far as my parents are concerned, I guess I've abandoned the idea. I visited Elice. It's funny how trancing feels so forced at first, myself making everything that happens up, everything just being in my head, yet transitions so well into flowing out naturally. I talked to Elise, mostly. She talked back; only a few times, but this time saying slightly more complicated things, a couple full sentences even. It felt like she was flickering into human forms now and then, but never anything very solid. Unlike yesterday I more or less felt my real body the entire time, but I must have been semi-asleep for a while because really random things started happening. I can't remember well, but I do recall being very startled and my real body flinching when a motorcycle zoomed out of nowhere and right by my face. I feel like we spent some time in a city, and maybe a house. After that I just lay next to her on a bed for a while, closing my eyes and enjoying the relaxation and company. Funny how pleasant it can be to lay down and relax in the dreamscape, considering that I'm already relaxing and laying down just to be there (Yo dawg). We talked some more, I hugged her, and then I decided to wake up. I don't feel worried now. The trances I've spent with Elise have been some of the most surreally wonderful experiences I've ever had. Since I've spent the last so many hours alone, no worrying about her or much else, I feel more comfortable with the idea of sharing my head. I know that if I need time alone that will still be something I can get, but if I need company, I'll have that too, now. And the other questions...they just aren't really that important. It just doesn't make a difference if having a tulpa is crazy (Which I don't think it is in the first place). As they say “Weird and proud of it”. Well, in my head at least...I'm not going to go telling random people. Again, I meditated. This time my dreamscape was stormy, dark clouds in the sky and a constant misty downpour falling from them. It was still quite beautiful to me, the kind of storm you get on the beach. I met Elise once again on the sand island, and I asked her if she wanted to get out of the rain. I swam and she floated across the sea and we found our way into the city. There was a big apartment building with a single elevator shaft that we took upwards. This was the building I intended to be a more typical home for her. However as we stepped from the elevator it became evident that it wasn't as I had thought it might be. The place was very dimly lit, large areas completely dark to my eyes. The wooden walls that separated the place were falling apart and holes were all about. There were even splotches of blood here and there. I looked about for Elise, but she had vanished, I tried to visualize her there, but she wouldn't come, and now the entire place was fading into a black space itself. Many unsettling things came towards me – zombie-like humans with gray, decaying skin and unpleasant expressions, though they faded as they reached me. I myself faded from this space, and the faces of these things imprinted themselves in red upon my eyes. I finally forced myself outside, and I stood once again in the rain at the building's front. None of this actually scared me, I might've even been a little thrilled for a moment, but mostly I was just unsettled and worried about Elise. I'm not sure why, but I've never been scared by a dream. I looked around for a moment, still wondering where Elise might be. A brown haired girl showed up, standing in the rain, sobbing, crying, and apologizing. I approached her, asking if she was Elise. She nodded, changing back into a wisp. We returned to the sandy island, I talked to her for a minute or so, throughout the entire time she was shifting from one form to the next. For a short while she even had a male form, and an accompanying voice. We lay down for a little while, myself wrapping my arms around her. She had a body, but no face at this point. After a short while, it was time to leave. I stood to talk to her about a few more things, as her form changed to that of a mother with a few children crowded around, then that of Nanako from Persona 4 (I think this was just because I thought about her when eating dinner?) I gave her a goodbye with some encouraging words, specifically saying we should try to find a form she can stick with, and left. ------------------------------------------------------ So umm...very weird stuff there. I know that the second dream sounds scary and awful, but it really wasn't. I'm not sure how to describe this, but I've just never really been able to associate negative emotions other than boredom and discomfort (i.e. negative emotions you'd get from being stuck somewhere, like a classroom or a plane), with dreams. I feel like there's no way there wasn't some negative implication with all the disturbing imagery from that dream, and yet I would still consider it to be largely a positive experience, so, maybe not so bad. Elise was pretty upset though, I wish I knew why. It did seem she felt better towards the end. I'm really curious what one might think about that.
Shui August 30, 2013 August 30, 2013 There have been a lot of unpleasant experiences with people telling friends and family about tulpas. It sounds like you have a more open-minded family than most, but I don't think you're wrong in letting them think it's over. As for that dream, it's interesting and unusual, but I don't know what to think beyond that. "'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"
Kitsunin August 30, 2013 Author August 30, 2013 There have been a lot of unpleasant experiences with people telling friends and family about tulpas. It sounds like you have a more open-minded family than most, but I don't think you're wrong in letting them think it's over. Yeah, before I said it I thought it might be something I could explain. As I said it, and he responded, I realized just why it isn't something you can really tell people. To put it one way, even creating one myself, I still find myself unable to truly understand why many other people created theirs. So really the best I could possibly hope for out of people without tulpas is tolerance, not understanding (I guess curiosity is also possible, but only from rare people). Might as well just keep it a secret if it's like that.
Guest August 30, 2013 August 30, 2013 I think it's a good thing that you tried communicating to your parents about it at all. I still have yet to tell my parents that I'm creating a sentient mind in my head. For now I'll abstain, but someday... :P As for people creating tulpae, they have many reasons. Most of the people on tulpa.info seem to be rational, logical thinking people that know what they're getting into in terms of responsibility and tolerance. :P
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