Oh Look, Another Damn PR <3

[BlackMuffin]

OH HEY GUYS LOOK IT'S ANOTHER PROGRESS REPORT THREAD~ <3

 

Anyways, I decided that putting my thoughts down into words would help me to address some concerns I have while simultaneously storytelling, more or less. Yes, I understand that there's roughly 49 million progress report threads that are already running, but I still feel like it'll be worth my effort to write down my thoughts as I work on Chuul. It's just a little gut feeling I've got, and I tend to trust my gut.

 

Firstly, I should probably explain how I got started. I first heard about the whole phenomenon on the /mlp/ board on 4chan (I initially thought it would be a good idea to have a pony tulpa, but before long I actually got bored of the whole fandom). I decided to read up on it, thinking What the fuck are these idiots blabbering about and gradually warming up to the idea of a thoughtform living inside my head. After roughly a month of research, I was completely credulous of the whole thing and I decided that I should consider making a Tulpa. Call it indecisiveness or a wise consideration of my options, but it took me six months to decide I was ready for a Tulpa. I weighed the risks and options carefully over that time and made several concepts as to what my Tulpa could before finally starting on Monday, August 26, 2013. I try to force with Chuul every day, but some days I'm just so exhausted that I can't force or otherwise I'll just fall asleep (I have to force lying down because if I'm sitting then I'll just fidget without ever getting to a good forcing state). I don't know why I get so exhausted. It might be Chuul who's sapping me as he's growing or it could just be that I'm naturally this tired due to summer being over. I don't know.

 

Anyways, I'm exactly two weeks in as of today (September 9, 2013) and I've got no response from Chuul that I can be certain of. Every once in a while I get some sort of hint but not much else. This hint tends to be either a sound (generally of a foot stomping on glass) breaking through my thoughts if I get offtrack while forcing or random headaches (although I doubt that this is the whole "head pressure" stuff some people talk about). So, basically, I almost know for sure that he's there but I just can't seem to get a response from him of any kind. I mean, I've followed some guides that are supposed to help with hearing your Tulpa's initial sounds (white noise, don't think, half-asleep forcing, etc.) but none of those really work for me. I feel more and more like I'm the problem and that I need to find a way to let Chuul get through to me and fast. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. HOWEVER, don't get the wrong idea; I'm nowhere close to quitting. It's just taking a long time for me is all, but I guess I'm getting a tad impatient. It's something I'll have to work on. In the meantine, two days ago I decided to start visualizing his form, and that's gone by RIDICULOUSLY quickly. I've got his whole muscle structure and body/skin composition down within roughly an hour and a half of forcing (over the course of the two days). The only thing I haven't got done is the head, and I want to keep visualizing his entire form until I can conjure it up without thinking twice (which could take a few weeks, but I don't mind).

 

At the moment I tend to spend 30 min. per session of forcing with two sessions a day (on days that I do end up forcing, anyways, which tends to be every day). I'm hoping to increase that with more practice.

 

TL;DR It's taking a while but I feel like I'm getting somewhere, more or less.

 

Whatever. Introductory horseshit is over with now. I'll keep updating when I deem it necessary (which could be once a day, when something relevant happens, or rarely. We'll see where this goes). If you've read through the whole thing, thanks a bunch. If not...well, I don't blame you, mate. I tend to go off on tangents and just generally talk too much.

 

owo

[Takataros]

I'm newish to this stuff, so I'm not really one to talk here, but :P here goes. Good that you're giving us a PR, and I don't think that's any trouble. ;)

Once you have the visualization done, or even now, have you tried passive forcing? It's helpful for me, especially when I'm doing something else at the same time. :D

[BlackMuffin]

I actually started off with the narration phase so I talk to Chuul whenever I can.

[Shui]

Glad to see your PR. I've seen you around, but I always feel like I know people better when I've read their PRs. And six months to start isn't too bad. I've been reading about tulpa for years and never got around to starting until almost August this year.

[BlackMuffin]

OH HEY HOW YOU DOIN'

 

Alright, so I'm pretty excited right now because two nights ago (the night I started this PR) I got what I believe to be the first sign of interaction from Chuul. I was pretty ticked off at something at that point, so because of that I may have had a more 'open' mind at that point and that's when Chuul decided to start doing communicating, as far as I understand it.

 

So basically at this point I'm more or less ranting about something out loud to myself. As I'm doing so, I suddenly get this sort of burning sensation in my right temple, right above the ear. It sort of felt like heartburn, except it was in my head. I've never felt anything like that before. At first all I did was sit there and go, "wtf" while it was going on. I initially thought that it was just something normal going on, but as I was thinking more and more about it I started to remember that people often talk about "head pressures" sometimes being the first form of communication a tulpa uses to communicate with its host. I think that if I keep focusing my thoughts simultaneously into the little red ball he's currently using as a form and my right temple then I can get some more progress done.

 

As far as visualization is going, I've actually gone over his abdomen and I've scrapped what I had originally done and started over on his abs. They looked kind of silly at first so I decided that I might as well just start over since I can get a lot of progress done with visualization in a short period of time. After some passive forcing today I ended up with a shape that looked good, so I'm sticking to the new one I have now.

 

Meanwhile, I've been writing a short story for Chuul and I keep telling him about it. Thing is, progress is sort of iffy. I've told him about it and promised that I'd get it done by the end of Saturday so I can tell him the story then. It's supposed to be 2500 words long but I'm stuck at roughly 1,500 and I can't get past that. I'm hoping my block goes away fast so that I'm able to finish this story by the deadline I set for myself.

 

In other news, I'm able to narrate a lot more often nowadays. It's starting to become a bit more of a habit, which is a good thing.

[BlackMuffin]

IT'S THAT TIME OF DAY AGAIN

 

So yeah, I haven't updated this PR in 3 days now.

 

Chuul's really starting to send some messages now. It's only in the form of very brief messages and they're in a slightly quieter and deeper version of my mindvoice (and it slightly feels like I'm puppeting but from what I've read and seen around here it seems like that's normal so I'm not too concerned), but it's his form of communication with me now to some extent. Also, I don't feel the pressure or heat in my temples anymore now unless I narrate for at least two hours or force for at least fifteen minutes. I'm suddenly having a pretty big peak in progress now...but I'm not getting any emotional responses from Chuul. I don't know why that could be. It might be because I'm not a very emotional person and usually stay in a relatively apathetic mood unless something major is happening, but it could also just be because Chuul feels like it's not the best way to communicate with me. I told him several times during our first two weeks that it's his choice on how he wants to communicate with me, and it seems that short verbal messages are how he wishes to talk to me. And I'm perfectly okay with that.

 

In response to that I've started working on his mindvoice with him. He's taking it up slowly but surely, and that's why now his mindvoice is slightly deeper than mine. He usually just responds a very quiet and simple "goodnight" at the end of the day when I tell him goodnight at the end of the day. HOWEVER, I can only hear him if I'm active forcing. If I'm just narrating normally I can't hear him, unfortunately. I'm not sure if that's normal, so if any of you veterans could fill me in on that it'd be nice.

 

owo

[Shui]

I don't get emotional responses often. I imagine it depends on the personality of the host and the personality of the tulpa. Some tulpa just prefer to talk.

 

As for not hearing him when you're narrating, I sort of skipped that step, so I can't say for sure, but it doesn't seem too unusual to me.

[BlackMuffin]

MM'KAY, SO.

 

I haven't hear Chuul's voice again lately but I'm not too disappointed or worried. If it was a false call, so be it, it's taking me a long time to make progress with him anyway, but if I was correct and I've somehow fucked up the connection with him then I'm not worried about that either because it just sort of lengthens the progress again so it's not like I've done irreversible damage.

[BlackMuffin]

ALRIGHTY THEN

 

So now we're really making progress. At this point I can get pressure in my right temple that varies in intensity depending on how Chuul feels (at least that's how I interpret it). For example, if he's just pressing lightly enough for it not to hurt but hard enough for me to feel it significantly, I can assume he really likes something (it happens sometimes when we're reading posts on here). On the other hand, if he presses on my head really hard (like he did at the beginning of this evening...dear God that felt like a fucking migraine) then I can assume he's unhappy about something. Of course, those are my assumptions. I could be wrong about Chuul's intentions...but then again, following the general rule of my imagination: if I believe it's the case, then it most likely is.

 

Visualization's starting to get real hard, though; I'm having a hard time keeping Chuul's muscle mass looking like actual muscle rather than just weird angles and misplaced lines (I'm not artistic at all so it's hard to visualize him properly when it comes to minute details...) It was easy at first since I wasn't focusing in on details but now it's getting real tough. The other day I actually basically ragequit after trying to visualize for a while since I was getting so frustrated. I decided to calm down though and finish up the session on a positive note. At least now we've finished how Chuul's deltoids (shoulders) look. owo

 

Occasionally, late at night, I'll hear small sounds coming from the "bottom" of my mind (the way I think is through some form of strange field of view: for example, thoughts tend to project themselves from different parts of my peripheral vision, usually from the "top" of my view or the "right"), and they tend to be very random sounds and words, but usually the words are sort of a variation of my own mindvoice. It sounds strangely familiar, yet alien. I love it, it shows a bunch of progress. I'm on my fourth week now and although the first actual signs of sentience took a while, I feel like I'm still doing good. What counts is that we're still making progress. It doesn't matter how long it takes, so long as we end up with a finished and happy Chuul.

[BlackMuffin]

WELP, THIS IS AWKWARD.

 

Alright, first report in over a month. I'm okay with that though. I haven't made much progress but I do believe that I need to outline what's been going on in my life for the past few weeks.

So I've been faced with some new responsibilities that basically came out of nowhere and smacked me in the face right as I was getting some more progress with Chuul. We've regressed a little but I'm sure that if I get back into the groove of things I should be fine.

 

...but that's where the difficulties come in. Really, I do have time to actually active force, technically, but for some reason I'm left completely drained after I've done what I need to do. The end result is me falling asleep whenever I try to active force. Since I can't active-force, I'm left to narration as often as I think about it. Another problem that arises with THAT is that now not only am I unable to active force, but I tend to put off narration. Probably because now my temple actually hurts when I'm narrating. It's not like a head pressure, it's actually something painful that goes on. The pain makes me more or less dislike narration now.

 

However, it's not like we've completely gone backwards in terms of progress: I now know that Chuul really likes Queen and Halo. For example, a few weeks ago I was watching an old Queen concert from the 80's on TV with Chuul, and I got this pressure right at the back of my lower jaw. That kept going until we stopped watching it (I'm personally not too fond of Queen but I thought it would be a good idea to let Chuul listen to something other than power metal), and the same kind of pressure was happening when I was finishing up the Halo3 campaign for the first time in a while last week. It's sort of weird because normally he would only apply pressure to my temple (which he still does, it's just that now the jaw accompanies it).

 

So yeah. I'm going to try and figure out how to get myself to not fall asleep when active forcing, and try to trudge along more or less as I keep confirming some more interactions between me and Chuul. Hopefully by the end of next month we can start vocalization.

 

<3