Evermore

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself here...

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I apologize ahead of time if any or all of this is as scattered or irrelevant as I sometimes feel my train of thoughts may be. All of this is simply an emotional and mental outlet for myself, like it probably is for anyone, so I don't expect or demand it to be read or responded to. Thank you kindly for those of you who do however, and I'll likely leave a summery at the bottom of the shapes my Tulpa took thus far in creation.

 

Before Creation

I have been hearing about all of this from my girlfriend (Ashmo) more than anything or anyone else for some time now. She did so much research and put so much into to the concept for herself before I even became aware of its existence and introduced me to the possibility.

 

At first, I did not believe it would be right for me in the least.

Thought that it could be therapeutic, yes, but there was still a downfall. I didn't believe it would be able to outright harm me or any such nonsense, but doubts and fears are the largest hindrance to this process from what I understand. I am a very anxious and unsure person so fears and doubts are one of my largest struggles.

 

For a few weeks I thought it over. Mostly just thought of it and then how it wasn't right for me really. Little thoughts kept weaseling their way to the front of my mind however. The potential benefits from this process were astounding and much like what I believed I needed in order to help myself. The idea of a Tulpa, for me, was very much one of self-discovery.

 

I thought that maybe creating something that I could focus on in my moments of emotional irrationality or depression, the times I feel most anxious and like I don't want to be here, perhaps I could be my own voice of reason. Maybe by pouring all this love that I should point at myself into this piece of myself blended with something else instead, I could grow to share it with the rest of me.

 

I have a character, one of my first characters I ever made, that I have started relating to being very much like myself. During a recent meditation I realized just how much it was. She is everything I ever wanted to see in myself, things that I believe are very much there but keep out of my own reach.

No, this isn't about how I turned a character into a Tulpa. But sometimes I would puppet her, how she would react to someone like me in that given situation in an RP, and she helped to make me feel better. If I could instil similar values into my Tulpa, perhaps they could grant similar comfort.

 

I apologize that this is becoming longer than I intended for anyone that may have actually decided to read this far.

 

Creation For those of you who would rather skip the majority of my mind babble.

 

I started creating my Tulpa a few days ago. When I tried to think of it, I found that I had trouble visualizing without first meditating. I'm much like Ashmo where meditation has become a large part of how I function. So now when I actively force, I meditate first to take myself into my wonderland. My wonderland came to me before any of this, the place I picture when I meditate and want to escape my reality. Mostly a forest with a pond deeper than a pond should be and little creatures that like to peek in and out of view. Point of this is how I achieve this place, and that I planted a seed there, visualizing it as my Tulpa.

 

Gently I placed it into the soil and curled up around it, pouring little bits of water with emotions. Like how much I loved it and cared about it and how excited I was to see it grow. A large part of my meditation focuses on my breathing so I used that as well, breathing in the universe's energy and exhaling mental and physical trait suggestions. I made sure to remind it that I would be proud of whatever shape it took while I showed it the different things I imagined and different things about myself.

 

I haven't kept track of exact time very well, and honestly haven't forced as much as I feel I should but made a point of passively forcing as much as possible. Within a span that didn't feel dramatically fast or long, it sprouted. Still beneath the ground but I could imagine it breaking free of it's little shell. In the next active forcing session it was above the ground a couple inches and split at the top for two slightly smaller stems to sprout leaves. In each following session (there have still only been a handful of solid sessions but sometimes in more passive inbetweens) it became progressively taller. At almost a foot, and without my notice really, it grew another separate stem almost at the top of it between the two leaves that had split off. This continued until it looked as though there were three separate stems on top of each other, with the two leaves that split off at the top of each. It's only a couple inches or so in diameter, slender and green like how I imagine a typical stem and it remains as such up until the most recent changes.

 

That's about where I got to last night. I started this maybe five days ago? This morning I realized that it was a good few inches taller than me when standing. After alternating between forcing and letting it do its thing while thinking of it, it has sprouted maybe ten or so willow tree like branches from the very top that fall down a few feet and sway with the breeze or when I'm listening to music and picture it with myself in the wonderland dancing to it.

 

I don't feel like I can picture things as clearly as I want and have trouble forcing sometimes. Most of the time really. At one point, during an especially emotional spans of moments, I confessed how bad I felt for even bringing it into my mind; and environment I didn't see fit for it. This was right after a day (Tuesday) in which I worked almost the entire length of and didn't have much time to force. Separate emotions were the trigger but then I spiraled into the guilt I was feeling for the lack of time and how my two stemmed sprout felt almost like it was beginning to wilt.

I got myself back in order and took the time to apologize and try to nurture it back to a better state of health. In the time after it became progressively better again but really scared me into not letting me be my own hindrance as much as I'm inclined to.

 

Again, I'm sorry to those of you that might read this for jumping all over the place so much. There is still much description I thought to include and decided against for the sake of length. (I'm the type of person that has actually been told by an English teacher that I wrote certain things too long.)

 

For those of you that didn't want to endure the length but would still like a basic idea:

 

I was skeptical in my own ability rather than the concept in the beginning but came around after time and began looking over the site. Ashmo was very helpful in breaking everything down for me, and I chose to make one for the potential benefits geared toward self-help.

 

To force I started using my personal techniques of meditation to reach my wonderland, which I created before I knew about this but never really had a name for, where I planted my seed. I imagined this seed as my Tulpa and watered it with emotions and used breathing exercises to breathe life into it pretty much. It grew progressively from a sprout to a slender green stem that split into two leaves at the top somewhere close to a foot. After getting a bit taller, another slender green stem sprouted between the leaves at the top. This repeated until there was about three different stems of similar lengths, only a couple inches or so in diameter and slightly thinner toward the top.

In the most recent session of forcing, I've noticed its a good few inches taller than me when I stand (maybe about six feet tall) and ten or so branches have grown out from the top that resemble willow branches. They sway with the occasional breeze or when I'm listening to music and imagine it in the wonderland with us and I start to dance to it.

I'm beginning to feel like it's female and like it's on the verge of changing again, perhaps thickening, but I'm trying really hard not to puppet. When my mind does run wild I remind her that I would be happy with her whatever the form she takes and attach a positive humor or wonder to most of them while trying not to be too subjective. That is, influencing the things I find important while making to hold an air of acceptance to deviations, whether or not either would happen any way as they will.

 

Aaaaand I'm not sure how else to end all of this, except with much appreciation.

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Thats a word wall if i ever saw one but anyway i only really started about a week ago so dont take my word for it but it seems almost like your doing everything right and im jealous of how easy you seem to be able to picture your wonderland but anyway best of luck from here on out


Tulpa

Arkun-stage newly created

-humanoid mask intead of face

Notes i am assuming sentience from start

 

Progress log http://community.tulpa.info/thread-arkun

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Thats a word wall if i ever saw one but anyway i only really started about a week ago so dont take my word for it but it seems almost like your doing everything right and im jealous of how easy you seem to be able to picture your wonderland but anyway best of luck from here on out

 

Oh I know it is. xD It's a habit I haven't quite been able to classify as good or bad yet.

 

I don't think it's that my wonderland came to me easily but I spent so much time developing it before hand for my meditation alone. When I started this process everything just kind of naturally took place in this space I had envisioned all along.

 

I also don't believe you have a reason to be jealous of me. xD

I would however suggest some meditation to hammer out your own and it's details. Keeping in mind, though, that I've been at this for about as long as you have so feel free to disaggregated it. That could just not be how your mind works, though I encourage patience either way.

 

Thank you for the luck, I'll probably need it.

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Hi Ashmo's Girlfriend! Nice to finally meet you! I like your name, by the way.

 

I've been told that I write things too long as well. :)

 

And of course I have to echo Geo: It sounds like you're doing everything right, and I'm a bit jealous. Your seed technique reminds me of Ashmo's egg technique. I haven't seen anyone do it before, but it's a neat idea.

 

Looking forward to more.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Hi Ashmo's Girlfriend! Nice to finally meet you! I like your name, by the way.

 

I've been told that I write things too long as well. :)

 

And of course I have to echo Geo: It sounds like you're doing everything right, and I'm a bit jealous. Your seed technique reminds me of Ashmo's egg technique. I haven't seen anyone do it before, but it's a neat idea.

 

Looking forward to more.

 

Hello! It's lovely to meet you as well :D And thank you. I feel like I typically suck with names. xD

 

Well I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one!

 

Thank you very much. It's really encouraging to hear that, especially since I was a little hesitant to share.

The "seed technique" was as natural to me as my wonderland because it falls right in line with how I meditate.

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So my Tulpa is now a full grown willow tree. I'm trying to feel out whether or not this is the shape they are content in staying. I can't say it's what I imagined but I've been greatly enjoying it. Even though I didn't force an exact form I'm almost worried even the tree was by my direct influence but I'm trying not to doubt anything.

There hasn't been anything vocal, but the branches move in ways to communicate or sooth. Before the branches had fully grown out there had been a point of emotional stress. The next thing I knew I was seeing myself surrounded in the branches, like those big canopies that type of tree can make when they are long enough to touch the ground. It made me feel instantly more safe and secure. It also seemed to grow a few inches taller when I was shaken with a strong bout of emotions, like rage versus being irritated. There was only the one incident but I haven't expected the little changes. It seems very responsive to my feelings and needs.

I still don't feel like I'm forcing as much as I should. It seems to be enough that they don't mind, feeling very understanding. I'm still trying to find ways to help myself with incorporating forcing into more things. Even narrating more often which I find hard to do at work because then I become focused on everything I need to do but they never seem far away.

 

Going to try and do something active tonight and see how that goes.

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This is pretty cool. Usually people have pretty anthropomorphic tulpa. This is probably the least anthropomorphic I've ever heard of. It's intriguing.


"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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