Curiousity's Tulpa Log

[curiousity]

Watching him is definitely helping. I just impose him tagging along behind me or just hanging around the room I'm in if I'm busy. I hope that I'm not parroting but I'm not too worried. He watches me back and leans or sits on furniture, or paces around. If I have one major complaint it's that I haven't heard a word yet. Nothing but the little 'uh-' sounds of someone opening their mouth to start to speak and nothing coming out. Telepathy's okay but I really wish I could hear him. The emotional responses are too similar to my own thoughts and I think I'm being generous in what I attribute to him.

 

I'm still doing what I'm calling "loose imposition", imposing him and leaving his actions to his own mind or pure randomness. Earlier I was out doing some holiday shopping and I was waiting in line at a store. I wanted to impose him, but there was no physical space near me that wasn't crowded. So I tried imposing him farther away towards the doors. He walked around looking in the empty carts or out the window. His dress at the time had included a long scarf, dark green and much shorter hair. He has the same habit of examining everything around him in the Wonderland.

 

As always, input is appreciated. Thank you.

[curiousity]

I've been following CyberD's roleplaying method and it's worked well. Open-eyed visualizing and imposition is becoming much easier. His movements are more his own, and I think I've successfully kicked the habit of making him move. Which was something that still nagged at me even when I had thought it was gone.

He's settled, I think, on his Square-Enix realism. Again, think Advent Children. This is fine, I've got no problem with it.

 

But one thing worth noting is this. I've got my first vocal response. He's starting to speak. I was sitting at my computer getting some stuff done and practicing imposing him in the room. He stood, wandered, sat on the bed, etc. Very normal for him when I'm not interacting with him.

 

He was just standing around looking out the window when a thought occurred to me about something that I wanted to bounce off another person to get their take. I knew Raven hadn't said a word yet and communicated with the occasional gesture, nod, or emotion, but I thought "what the heck". "Hey, Raven?" I called. He turned to me. "Yeah?" It was a little weak sounding, but it startled me and I froze. He froze. I stared at the spot where I had imposed him, at his face. It was him, not me. I really believe that.

 

But something about me being startled and locking onto him like that when he spoke made him shut up immediately and completely. I've even gotten less in the way his usual communications after that. I've heard that sometimes Tulpae speak a little and have periods of quietness. I guess this is normal?

 

One note: After that event, I was trying visualizing him in my Wonderland. He was beside me and made only one gesture: To reach for my hand. I think communication might re-open soon.

[CyberD]

Sounds like you are making some good progress. Pretty simple advice for your problem, don't panic. Getting used to the idea of your tulpa seemingly talking on their own can take some getting used to but it is at the core of the process. If you keep up your interactions you'll get so used to it you'll think it's weird that you could ever freeze up like that.

 

So far his movement sounds really far along. Once again it does take some getting used to but eventually you'll understand which actions are his, because hopefully everything you see him doing will be of his own accord. Eventually you should reach a stage where you can't make your tulpa move even if you try. I can't make my tulpa do anything specifically anymore, instead he resists the suggestion or makes a point that he is moving his own body how he chooses. If movement occurs but you aren't actively thinking about it then you have succeeded. Keep at it and you'll get there.

[curiousity]

Over the last ten days I've forced a little less than I would like. But I've figured out something. I have a harder time forcing when I'm out doing stuff. It's not the multitasking in and of itself. It's that I seldom go out alone for extended periods of time and whatever friend/relative I'm with usually keeps me in a conversation about [insert random topic here], keeping my focus with them. And it's only going to get worse with the holidays approaching.

 

That being said: I've gotten more vocal responses in my downtime. I was reading an article online with Raven imposed. He was lying on the bed with his head on the pillow. I noticed I'd left my non-Apple MP3 player on the pillow and he was 'lying' on it. I somehow felt like even though he and player couldn't affect each other, he didn't like lying on it for some reason. Like by the placebo effect it was bugging him. I started to say something to him and before I could get started he clearly said "...this godforsaken iPod." The first part was cut off, but it was so clear it halted what I was going to say. It was like he was talking and it wasn't until I turned my attention to him fully that I heard him. I had the distinct feeling that I couldn't have butted in and stopped him talking until he was done with the sentence.

 

Another time, I was calmly observing him and was mentally staring a little at him. I was kind of hoping he might say something out of the blue, which he doesn't tend to do. After a short time he looked at me and said, more faintly than some other responses, "Are you just waiting for me to say something?" He was staring back very intently but without anger. The emotional message that came with it suggested that he didn't really like me just putting it all on him to start speaking suddenly.

 

These are the two strongest messages I've gotten. There are plenty of others but I can't see how writing down each one is beneficial.