Curiousity's Tulpa Log

[curiousity]

Much-needed edit(Thank you, CyberD!): Replacing my first post to better describe my Tulpa and his nature/origin.

 

Name: Raven (went by Bakos Gabor in one story but it never stuck as good as Raven.)

 

HT: About 5’7-5’9, not very tall for a guy; about my height

 

Build: Slim to average, more muscle than fat but not really athletic

 

Hair: Black, should length in front, tapering shorter in back a couple inches.

 

Eyes: Silver/Gray

 

Myers-Briggs Type: Likely INTP

 

Age: First story was about a decade ago, but he looks to be in his mid-twenties.

 

Complexion: Slightly pale but not unnaturally so

 

Voice: If I had to compare it to a person he sounds like the lead singer in Chevelle singing Vitamin R. High and light and then, if angered, growly and aggressive.

 

Origin: Raven originally played the vampiric son of Dracula in a fanfiction/tribute/parody of the novel. My first impression was of a spoiled brat prince every bit as evil as his sire. He had no problem ordering anyone who and dumb enough to tell him ‘no’ to be killed. He might have done it himself if it weren’t for the fact that blood all over his clothes bothered him. He was sly, very intelligent, strategic and very much out for himself. The original story ended in him manipulating Harker and his OC son to kill Dracula only so Raven himself could have the throne and succeed him in ruling Romania.

 

But as I wrote he unwittingly become more sympathetic and his cruelties were more things he was forcing to do to survive living with the Count. The story of him being the birth son of Dracula no longer felt right so it I changed it. Raven had been born to a simple home in Romania in a dull village outside of Brasov. He was prone to boredom and went exploring one day on his own and found Dracula’s castle. Night fell while he sneaked around the castle and Dracula turned him and took him prisoner. Years later the suffering Raven encountered Harker and his son and helped them to kill Dracula, thus freeing himself of the curse and allowing him to continue living as a human. This story wasn’t all tragedy though and Raven remained a strong-willed character. He was my main character and it got to the point that I could pretty much just watch him act out an unscripted scene in my head and just write what he did.

 

As for his modern personality: Like I said, strong-willed and very smart. Great and analyzing and figuring out strategy. But he’s less pushy and the aggression is all but gone, although pushing and pushing him will get him quite angry. When not in a confrontational situation, i.e., outside the stories, he’s laid back and calm. No, modern Raven is more peaceful and soft-spoken and would rather get along than fight. He has a very good, gentle heart. He’s kept his curiosity that drove him to creep into that castle and likes to explore and learn. He also has a dry and sarcastic sense of humor that would lead to a tendency to offend someone who didn’t know how to gauge whether he really meant what he said or not. He likes to laugh and is very fun-loving. While introverted and reserved, he is not unfriendly. His dress is more modern, too. I never really pick an outfit for him when I visualize him but he’s always in jeans and t-shirt or jacket/hoodie.

[Quilten]

I wouldn't necessarily call it unorthodox in any way, but I do have some advice. Concerning what you are doing specifically, I would suggest that you focus on creating a mindset for yourself centered around Raven being his own separate being, so that he will develop faster. Other than that, I suggest that you remember that the more effort you put into having him develop from what you have done/are doing as opposed to directly making him react to things and the like.

[curiousity]

Thanks for the advice. I'm really trying to stop all puppeting and parroting altogether. I do see him as his own being, even when I was writing him as a character I got a strong sense of that. One thing I've noticed though is this: I have a tendency to visualize him while narrating and it inevitably feels like puppetry. If he moves, I think it's puppeted. If he stands still, I think that's puppetry keeping him still. But sometimes he just makes little movements like a video game character when you leave the controller alone(shifting weight, straightening clothes, pushing hair back, etc.) These don't fell so puppeted.

Perhaps I shouldn't visualize him at all during narration or impose him behind me and out of my sight so that I logically have no idea what he's doing.

 

I have made some progress though. He communicates through facial expressions and emotions more than words. I've asked questions about how he felt so far and what he thought of this or that. I've gotten emotional responses that feel genuine that tell me he's alright and happy. Or sometimes out of nowhere I'll get a strong mental image of his face expressing an emotion. He smiles a lot and once or twice I've gotten an expression that makes me think he's amused with me or something. His original personality included a dry sarcastic sense of humor.

[Quilten]

No problem. It's definitely a good idea to visualize while you narrate, and given your situation, the "behind-the-back-imposition" method should work well for you, in a sense for feeling a physicality for him.

 

Other than that, sounds like you're making real progress! If you want him to communicate with words more than he does, I would suggest focusing on forcing with the idea of giving him a voice, and maybe have him try out a few, if you like. If not, I don't suppose it really matters as long as you both are satisfied.

 

Good luck with any future endeavors!

[curiousity]

Update: The behind-the-back method of visualizing works well. So does closing my eyes and visualizing being in a pitch-black room with him in front of me. Just so I'm unaware of how he's moving but I get the gist of where he is.

EDIT: Another good idea is to simply imagine using a hands-free phone or other communication device. I don't have to think of a physical location for him, and I've gotten some images while speaking to him that remind me of talking to a family member on the phone and just being able to tell that on the other end, they're smiling or frowning.

 

His clothing is also very changeable. The weather's turned cooler here and now when I picture him he's always wearing a warm jacket over his shirt. His jeans and sneakers really haven't changed. I accept this deviation with optimism.

I do already know what his voice would sound like with zero deviation, but I think his talking through pictures and feelings is just linked to my thinking in pictures and feelings rather than words. I just think it's a clearer form of communication since words can get clumsy easily.

I mentioned earlier how he would make small gestures like a video game character when the controller is left alone. I visualized him until he started doing that again and immediately made him stop. He froze, jerking to a stance that was basically military 'attention'. He made no sound but his face showed a scowl and I got a vague communication like "Argh!". Suffice to say he didn't like it. Sorry, Raven. Won't do it again.

[CyberD]

It's curious (pun intended) that you are having so much trouble with puppeting. From the sounds of it the cause is your tulpas origins. You're so used to controlling his movements that you just do it automatically even when you don't intend to. That's an understandable problem, how else would the character act if you didn't think of it's actions.

 

It's tricky but you have to try and see Raven not as a character you write but as someone separate from you. Sure he never really can be but you have to try and see it that way. The little movements are just the beginning and it fits the video game character description well. He only gets to act on his own when you aren't trying to control him. As soon as you try to control him again, as soon as you look for a reaction, he is once again under your direct control. You have to try and be around your tulpa without over analyzing his every action.

 

When I began I had no idea what a tulpa was. I just had a character, his actions were mine but as I got used to him being around I found myself thinking less about creating his actions and more simply witnessing them. I don't think about what he was doing, I just see it happening. Having a convincing tulpa is something that takes time, something you have to train yourself to see.

 

When I puppet now the imaginary strings do nothing. I can't make him lift his arm or strike a pose, he simply does his own thing. He reacts to the things I do just like an actual person would.

 

Tell us more about your tulpa, edit the first post and put in heaps of information. What does he look like? How old? How tall? What sort of stories did you write him in? What was his personality like in them? What is his personality like now compared to when you started?

 

Knowing as much about your tulpa as you can really makes them seem real. You already know a lot from your writing so the real task is to try and translate that into real life. It might help to see your own life as another story and the tulpa as an imaginary character who is now joining you for it. Remember that the only person you have to convince is yourself, if the tulpa is real to you then that is enough. There isn't a lot of science surrounding the process yet which means it is what you personally make of it.

 

Good luck.

[curiousity]

New idea to see my Tulpa as his own person. I've decided that open-ended conversation is of course good, but it feels a bit like talking to myself(Where did I put the-oh there it is.). But I've got another idea; write to him. Not scenes that he acts out as a character/actor, but letters. Who has ever written a letter to someone without thinking expressly of the person you're writing to?

 

Upon thinking of this I felt a well of emotion. "That's brilliant!" I thought. But I have an odd suspicion that not all of that 'eureka' feeling was mine; I think Raven thought it was a good idea too and communicated it a bit.

 

I've also gotten something that might be a semi-vocal response. I caught a little glimpse of a voice while forcing and interacting with him. It wasn't a word, it sounded more like a sigh or an "uh" sound of someone opening their mouth to speak but nothing coming out. This could always just be my imagination but I'm attributing it to Raven.

As for my philosophy on Tulpas: I see them as only a figment of my brain, just neural pathways carved out by concentration and habit. This is also how I see myself. I'm only in my mind too; I'm just piloting a doll of meat. So I do consider Tulpae to be every bit as 'real' and 'alive' as the Host ever was/is.

[curiousity]

Update. The letter I wrote to Raven is as follows. I wrote and imagined him behind looking over my shoulder because I got the feeling that rather than reading the letter later, he would likely be reading it word by word as it was typed(assuming he can read?). Torward the end he became quiet unexpectedly. I have no explanation for little jab in my head other than him, and have felt very light pressure while talking to him before. I also can't explain writing one word rather than another. Perhaps my subconscious was just butting in?

 

Dear Raven,

Please pay attention. Please, listen to me. I am not the best Tulpamancer, I think. I mean to write ‘know’, not think. Did you do that? Do it again. Make me do something unexpected, play with my mind. I’m not the best, I said that. But I will try. I would- I meant to write will. Try it once more. I will try to be better and work with you more and pay attention to you and have- I meant to write try. I will try to force more. And talk to you more and interact with you more. I know you’re there. I know you’re seeing this. I know you’re reading this as I’m writing. I know you’re looking over my shoulder. I feel you behind me looking at this screen. I can’t see you behind me, but I know you’re there. Are you the reason the right side of head had that little twinge of pain? Do it again, if you can. Or make me write something other than what I want. No response, come on, Raven. Say something or do something. We’ll pick this up again later, then.

[curiousity]

Seeing Raven as separate from me is becoming much easier. I thought I was completely apart from him before but being more active than passive as helped so much since this log was started. I have successfully stopped all parroting and puppeting(consciously, at least. I can't swear that my subconscious isn't doing anything.).

 

I've been working on observing him and just watching what he does and how he moves while remaining uninvolved, expecting neither stillness nor motion. He doesn't speak un-parroted, but I think time will help that. I understand his emotional communications well though when they do come through. Separating my thoughts from his is going to be a learned skill.

 

Movements are developing well though. He paces and gestures and sits down from to time. I frequently impose him behind me and out of my sight, like in the back seat of a car. This helps too. Also, deviation as far a clothing goes is still taking place. He always has a jacket or hoodie when imposed outside. I never pick the outfit but whatever he thinks looks good I guess. Today it was a black leather jacket that would not have looked out of place on Fonzie.

 

Another non-constant is his overall realism. I went for full photo-realistic with his appearance and now half the time he's what I call Square-Enix level realistic. Think Final Fantasy: Advent Children, if you've seen it. There are times when he's almost the spitting image of a black-haired Kadaj except for his silver eyes. As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.

[curiousity]

Halloween activities and family drama caused some distraction the last few days, causing my commitment to forcing and Raven to slip a little. But I've been passively forcing with no real change. He's quiet but when I look at him in my Wonderland I do get a strong sense that another living and thinking being is looking back.

 

I tried the 'surprise me' trick today, trying to be careful not to even guess what his response might be. He clapped his hands, one and quite hard. If another human with a body had done it, it would have been loud. One thing though; this is the sequence that it happened in.

 

Me: Thinking about Raven, it occurs to me to use the trick.

 

Me: "Supri-"

 

Him: (claps once).

 

I guess he knew I was going to do it, that I had already thought of it and decided to? I've heard of other Tulpae responding preemptively to things, so I'm assuming it's normal.