Finding the Friend Within Myself

[Guest]

It can be daunting, but starting over can be fun. Call it a fresh start. It might also make sense to try to bring back the original, or at least base the next one off as much as you can remember. In either case, the original tulpa may come back.

 

A fresh start can be as easy as going through a guide. It's not important what form, personality, or even gender, but of course you can choose all that too as long as they're given the freedom to change. What's important is that you care enough to put a little effort in, set a timer or use a symbol somewhere to remind you of your tulpa.

 

We'll be here to help you through it.

 

Most importantly, have fun!

[Phasor Shift]

Thanks for the feedback, on both sides. 

 

I may be afraid and unsure of getting back into it again, and maybe it's best if I don't... But remembering going through this before, and reading through my log, I recall the excitement and sense of wonder I felt at those first few minor breakthroughs. When he changed forms, started taking on personality. When I was almost able to see his reactions and let him act on his own in the IRC, I remember how proud almost that made me feel. And how I feel regret at losing it. So I'm worried about starting again, or if I'll be able to stick with it this time, but I feel if I'm able to even get back to where I was before, it would bring back some of that wonderment I felt before. I'm also older than I was before, and at a different point in my life. I don't know if it's better or worse, but it sure ain't great, but it's different so things might go a bit differently this time.

 

I'll probably start as though from scratch, but with what the form and personality I remember from before as a starting point. Like I was doing before, I'll keep it very open and organic with what I find. After all, it was a journey and not exactly a creation. I'll be looking for the one I knew six years ago, but maybe they've changed since then. Maybe I'll find someone new. 

 

I am still a bit nervous about what I might find, if anything...

[Guest]

Good luck.

[Phasor Shift]

Well, yesterday I sat down to try meditating and forcing again, so well... back to the format.

 

May 20th, 2019

 

This was a disaster.

 

I was pretty nervous going in, as you might expect. I'm not sure what I should be doing, if I should be looking for a tulpa that's already there, or creating one from nothing. Should I focus on myself in headspace, creating a wonderland? Do I visualize or try something else? One suggestion was to focus on myself as though I were the tulpa, but that doesn't really fit with the way I believe in this. I am not the tulpa, the tulpa isn't me, even though if some time down the line they may use my body. It just... disagreed with me so sorry.  Anyway, I decided I'd try first recreating my wonderland, then my own form in the headspace, and then either call out to my old tup or start creating a new one, and hope they fit into that form, if that makes sense...

 

So I sat down, and closed my eyes. I got up and turned off all the lights I could. I got a blanket. I closed my eyes. I shifted, moved to another spot on the couch. I zipped up my hoodie. I put on some relaxing music. You get the idea, I couldn't sit still and I couldn't focus. I tried to just shut it all out, focus on my breathing and clear my head, but I couldn't, I just got agitated. I had to stop, and take a break. I was super stressed out now, even crying. I needed to relax.

 

A bit later, after talking to some people on Discord and getting a bit calmed down. I decided to take some time to get sleepy, laying down and listening to some ASMR like I do when I'm going to sleep. I did that for an hour or so, and I actually fell asleep and took a short nap, and I felt sufficiently relaxed and sleepy. Hopefully it would be easier to keep my mind quiet and let me focus.

Unfortunately it wasn't. I sat up and tried meditating again, breathing slowly, focusing on that. I tried again to recreate my wonderland, that field of grass, but my mind was still just jumping around too much. Like, I'd picture the grass, then it would have a tree, and now I'm over there. I'm remembering a spot from my old house, maybe use that make a new area of WL. I try to picture myself, but as myself instead of looking at it. I have images that flash in and out, I can't stay on one thing for any amount of time. I keep thinking about calling out to my tulpa, but I'm trying to set up the area first so I have a solid place to do so but I can't and just... I had to stop again after only a few minutes of that. Again I was tense and jittery and i can't i can't I can't I Can't I CAN'T!!!

 

The people in the Plural Nest Discord are very friendly and comforting, and I thank them for taking care of me, but I just hit a wall so hard yesterday, twice, and it's very discouraging. It could be other stuff going on in my life is distracting, and I really should be focusing on clearing that up first before trying to bring someone else into my head. Maybe I'll wait a bit before trying again, get my own life stabilized first, but that might take some doing in itself.. I'm feeling pretty lost in general, in everything, and doing anything is incredibly difficult for me, especially these things that I need to do.

 

This post kinda got away from me a little bit, and I apologize, but I have this progress report and I feel I should post on it as much as I can, good or bad. I want to assure that I'm not giving up, I'm still determined to do this, even though I might have to push it back some more and even though it's proving very difficult this time. 

Maybe I should look into more passive forcing instead of active and meditation. That might come a bit easier, but I'm not sure... I guess we'll have to see.

[Twice Sparked]

You seem to like writing and roleplaying. Have you tried image streaming? It's a medium between active and passive forcing. Some forms of it omit nothing, so you can write down every distracting, disturbing thought that appears too. And once you've exhausted those in prose form, you can move on to whatever else comes to mind.

[Phasor Shift]

Have you tried image streaming?

 

I scanned through that guide, but I'm still unsure exactly what it means... Do you mean just writing or typing every little thing I see while trying to visualize, while I'm doing it? And how is that different than just visualizing?

It might be something I have to look into more.

[Guest]

Good luck, don't let progress bother you, just a little bit every day and try to ground yourself in a room. My original wonderland was a blank room with a couch in it, a non-descript couch. I was way more concerned with seeing my tulpas, but it was also a gradual and slow process to add more once that room was stable.

[Twice Sparked]

 

I scanned through that guide, but I'm still unsure exactly what it means... Do you mean just writing or typing every little thing I see while trying to visualize, while I'm doing it? And how is that different than just visualizing?

It might be something I have to look into more.

 

That's right, or speaking aloud if that suits you better. Visualizing in active forcing is heady and can be difficult if you're out of practice. Image streaming is meant to supplement visualizing by engaging the verbal parts of the brain too, to create a feedback loop that enhances the visualizations described. I've personally also found the act of typing helps me concentrate those times I've tried it.