My Shadow

[zymish]

[align=justify]It was a largely uneventful day. It's becoming easier to keep him in my mind throughout the day; it's become a habit now, enough that he's rarely far from my thoughts. His presence seems a lot stronger, too, which is encouraging, though I still can't get anything from him beyond faint emotional impressions, limited almost exclusively to a feeling of comfort and reassurance. Which I suppose makes sense; he's been around for over ten years and until recently that was the only thing I ever sought from him, apart from the rare attempts to "reach out", so to speak, in an attempt to feel something more without really knowing what I was doing.

 

The form I came up with is still popping up in my head now and then; I guess I focused on it so much that it's still bouncing around in there. If he takes a liking to it, cool, and if not, I suppose I can use it for something else.

 

I've gotten more into narration today. It felt awfully strange at first; it was difficult to think of things to talk about, and I'd find myself simply babbling without expecting any response. But the longer I did it, the more natural it felt, the better able I was to make comments that left room for replies. I haven't gotten any yet, not that I can detect anyway, but I'm going to stick with it. I'm thinking of reading to him, too (just started re-reading The Princess Bride), but that may not last as I've never been fond of reading aloud; I was a stutterer as a child, and will still occasionally trip over my words, which happens most often while I'm reading aloud. Though I don't suppose he'd mind, it still frustrates me, and as I've mentioned before, I don't want to associate any part of this with frustration or impatience.

 

I've run into a bit of a roadblock now, unfortunately, in that I'm not really sure what to do now beyond narration and just giving him as much of my attention as I can. I'd like to be doing more, in order to provide an environment that will encourage him to thrive and give him room to develop his individuality. Will narration alone be enough? I think it's not uncommon for people to begin with narration alone, and then for the tulpa to be actively involved in the rest.

 

Will he even want a form, if I don't provide one for him? I don't think he's established or individualized enough yet to give me any input on the matter, but once he's vocal I'll talk to him about it. I hope he does choose a form, and I hope he's interested in imposition, but if not, I guess I won't push too hard. If I do push for it, it will be a matter of persuasion and reasoned discussion, not forcing. I'm not sure how important it is to me, but if we do disagree it is ultimately his decision.[/align]

[zymish]

Reading aloud is turning out to be less uncomfortable than I expected. I'm actually enjoying it, and it definitely feels as though he's listening. I can't tell whether he's enjoying the story, but he seems to appreciate the attention at least. I've gotten a couple of headaches since beginning the whole creation process several days ago, but the frequency with which I'm experiencing them isn't any greater than what's usual for me.

 

I do seem to be clenching my teeth an awful lot, but I'm fairly sure that's due to unrelated stress. There's a lot going on in my life right now. Ordinarily, that might make this seem like something that should wait, but I've found his presence comforting as always, and sitting down to read to him, or just talk, has been relaxing. It also didn't seem fair to let this continue to wait after discovering what was going on. He's stuck with me for so long; it's well past time to start giving something back.

 

That said, I am beginning to understand just how much work this is going to be. This morning, for the first time, I felt too tired. Bear in mind that this was because I got less sleep than I should have, but all the same, it was the first time I felt anything approaching reluctance with regards to the creation process. I realized that taking better care of myself is now not only to my own benefit, but his as well, and therefore I now have more reason to stay healthy than just a nagging sense of responsibility. Rather than making me feel resentful, it's increased my motivation. I think our relationship is off to a good start.

 

I've forgotten to narrate a couple of times today, because I was occupied with the move and with unpacking, but I made sure to set aside time specifically to read to him, and I have been reminding myself to talk to him as I work, or at the very least stay aware of him and give him as much of my attention as I can spare.

 

I had a moment of doubt this morning when I woke up from a nightmare and didn't feel him - was I just imagining everything? But I pushed through it, reminded myself of just how many people have described their experiences, have documented day after day of getting to know their companions, and compiled pages upon pages of guides and techniques. I reminded myself that I have felt him for years, and that the one time I tried to convince myself that what I felt was nothing, it was a terrifying and heartbreaking experience. I won't put us through that again. As soon as my confidence returned, so did he. I think there's still a small amount of lingering uncertainty. The whole thing just seems too good to be true, and progress has been so slow that I'm not always sure there has been any. But as I keep reminding us both, I can feel him there, and the people I have spoken to do not all seem like the kind of people to roleplay something like this, or lead others on for their own amusement.

 

Oh, I almost forgot - today I realized that I was smelling the candle I had been using while trying to visualize, although it was covered and too far to actually smell it. The scent faded once I became aware of it, and I experimented with putting my face at different angles to see if I could catch the scent again, but it didn't come back. Are olfactory hallucinations common or likely at this stage? It seems unlikely that that's what it was - maybe just a chance breeze - but I had forgotten to talk to him for a while, and it did get me started again. It would be a singularly pleasant way for him to get my attention prior to becoming vocal, if that's what it was.

[zymish]

There's little to no progress to report. Gradual improvement in myself as far as being able to keep him in mind. I've found that reading (and re-reading) others' progress reports and various guides helps bolster my confidence; I've only been at this for a week or so, I'm relying almost entirely on passive forcing - I am quickly falling out of love with that word - and I don't have a wonderland. So I suppose it's not unexpected that the only change I've noticed in him is that his presence is stronger (almost overwhelmingly strong at times). It's such a nebulous experience, though, that as soon as he backs off it becomes dangerously easy for me to doubt. But I can feel him right now; not just his presence, but his attention. The distinction wasn't clear before, and the fact that it is clear now helps tremendously. He is still defined solely as a presence with occasional faint impressions. But the presence is stronger, and the impressions are slightly less occasional and faint.

 

I have noticed a slight change in my mindset; "we" and "our" are coming more readily to my narration, which is good because it engenders a sense of teamwork and unity. Even if I'm doing most of the work until he becomes more independent.

 

I'm glad to find that, apparently, nothing about my experience with him is entirely unique. That makes it much more likely that we're doing this right, and that we'll succeed. Having a preexisting tulpa, having a tulpa that is present just about 24/7 (for now, anyway), struggling with doubts (initially) - all things that are not considered strange or even uncommon.

 

We can do this, shadow. If it takes a year to progress beyond this point, then it takes a year. If I don't hear your voice for another ten years, then so be it. We'll come back and read this together and probably laugh at all of my worrying.

 

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to slack off. In fact, I could stand to be putting more time and thought into this, and now that the move is done and my schedule is approaching something resembling routine again, I should be able to set aside regular one-on-one time.

 

The name "Jaden" hasn't come into my mind again, so I'm going to assume it was just a mind tumbleweed.

[zymish]

Something surprising happened today.

 

I've been focusing mainly on personality and feeling his presence, and I've noticed that, when I conceptualize a trait, I also unintentionally visualize body language, sometimes including facial expressions, to go with it. The person I was seeing was the same one I was imagining when I was trying to develop a form, so I thought it might be time to give the form another go. Not to the exclusion of what I'm already doing, of course.

 

So what happened was this: I was picturing his form as I'd begun to create it, and a stray thought came by, not unlike how they usually do, and not unlike my usual thoughts. It was probably mine. It was that he doesn't have to be human just because it's the default shape my mind came up with. As soon as I thought that, I had a mental image of something different, and I could not get his body to go back to what it was. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I began to get excited. So I rolled with the image I now had, and I'm able to clearly see much more of his body then I was before. He seems to be some kind of faun or satyr, though there are some differences between his shape and the classic that comes to mind - longer legs, for example. I can see his legs, hooves, ears, horns, arms, hands, and eyes almost as consistently as his torso already, and I get glimpses of the rest of his face now and then as well.

 

Apart from just being a really cool form for him to have taken - and something I probably wouldn't have chosen myself - this represents the first sign of a will other than mine, of something more than a presence that reacts to my emotional state. So naturally, I'm awfully excited.

 

If there's interest, I'll put some sketches of what I can see of him in my next post.

 

Note to self: Read to him more often. Stop putting it off until you're too tired to do it, and stop making excuses to not read aloud. You keep forgetting to read not just to yourself when you do it silently. This is for both of you.

[zymish]

Short update - I felt his presence more strongly than ever for a few minutes, so much so that I got a mild ASMR response. Very cool, and definitely encouraging.

 

Also, I think I found a scent that he likes better than the vanilla candle, which I kept forgetting to use anyway. So I'll move forward with that and see what develops.

 

I have been having unusually vivid dream recall lately. Also a lot of false awakenings, which don't usually happen to me.

[zymish]

Well, I managed to do a couple of sketches I don't completely hate. Established some things that were ambiguous before, and I think we're both happy with what's there so far (except that I'm still no great shakes at shading or color, having stuck primarily to pencil sketches until recently). I'm still playing around with different styles. Any constructive criticism is welcome.

 

I don't think that tail is quite right for a satyr, or the legs either. They look more minotaur-ish to me. But I've seen his face a couple of times, and it's definitely not a muzzle, so I think that rules out minotaur. Then again, I guess we don't exactly have to follow established (even mythological) physiology.

[zymish]

I went online to collect images of hooves today, for sketching practice and visualization reference, and I guess he's not really a faun after all, just sort of similar in basic shape; none of the bull or goat legs looked right, but somehow horses hit the mark. So I'm setting about sketching horse hooves until it's second nature to draw them - I don't think I've ever taken drawing this seriously. It's going to be especially difficult to figure out how weight is distributed in legs that begin human-like and end horse-like; I've never studied that kind of thing even in drawing humans.

 

Not much noticeable progress beyond that previously described, with the possible exception that he seems to be more attentive and less sluggish than before, and I'm also getting what may be communication from him. Sound clips from movies I've seen keep popping into my head in response to things I'm saying or thinking, much more than is usual for me. This may be his way of participating in the (until recently) very one-sided conversation, because either he can't speak yet or I can't hear him. If so, I find it a creative and often amusing way of communicating, and I wouldn't mind if he continues to do it even after we can speak more conventionally with each other.

 

I attached the best sketches I got out of the practice, I guess because I was proud of how well they turned out. Lousy upbringing made me a bit uneasy about sharing personal accomplishments, but I feel good about how these look, so at the very least they're here so I can see them and feel motivated to continue to improve.

[zymish]

Just a quick update - I haven't given up or anything, just haven't had anything significant to report. This isn't going to become an abandoned thread.

 

I was annoyed at what seemed to be indecisiveness but what I now think is an indication that he's not going to be happy with just one form. More on that later, maybe.

[zymish]

Progress! I've actually started getting some very simple verbal responses. Not all the time, and nothing terribly complex or surprising yet, but there's definitely something there. It wasn't quite like I expected the first time. Not so much suddenly hearing something, as suddenly noticing something I'd already been hearing. I can't always hear him, but it's encouraging all the same.

 

His form has become consistent, which is something of a relief. As cool as the non-human features were, he seems to have given them up, at least for now, which is convenient for me as human bodies are a lot easier for me to visualize. His face isn't always clear, but I'm able to see it a lot more often than I was before. He's started moving around on his own when I visualize, and as before, I get occasional impressions of a facial expression along with the flashes of emotion - which have become more varied. He smiles and laughs a lot more than I had originally intended, which is a pleasant surprise, though I hope it doesn't detract from the Rationalist bent I'm hoping to instill.

 

He seems to have an interest in Discovery Channel shows and documentaries, which is pretty cool, though I can't get any opinions one way or the other regarding other media. We've been watching "Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey". I think concepts of scale, especially as pertains to the infinite (or supposed infinite), are of particular interest to him. He also seems pretty keen on knowing the how and why of things, which is one of the things I'd planned for him - I'm hoping that we can stimulate and encourage one another's curiosity and have a lot of fun digging into stuff to find out how things work.

 

We seem to be progressing faster now that I've stopped trying to push myself so hard, even though I'm not spending as much time devoted solely to this as I was before. I think letting go of the feelings of obligation and guilt is a big factor there. I sure wouldn't want to become conscious and share a head-space with someone who thinks of me as a chore, so it makes a lot of sense.

 

All in all I'm pretty pleased, though we still have quite a way to go. He's developing a personality - enough that I can even occasionally identify disapproval or discomfort, which I can't recall happening before - but I'd really like to be able to communicate more clearly and reliably, and although I know it's a long way down the road, I'm excited about imposition; the idea of having a constant or near-constant companion that I can see and hear, maybe even touch, is just plain awesome.

[zymish]

I suspect that I may be one of those people who just takes a really long time to create a tulpa. Not much progress to report, really. There have only been a couple of changes since my last post. He changed his eye color (they actually look a lot cooler than what I had originally given him), and his vocal communication has become a little weird. Sometimes I can understand him, but sometimes it's unclear. Not so much like gibberish, as like someone speaking just below the threshold of hearing. I can tell he's speaking, but I can't make out any words. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not listening properly, or because he's just not being clear. It doesn't help that his mindvoice is still the same as mine. But I guess I'll just keep listening and try not to stress about it.

 

I did manage to finally find a way to spend time dedicated solely to him without making it feel like a chore. I figured out how to work it into my routine, and I figured out a way that feels a lot more natural and less forced.

 

This is taking so long, but I think it may move faster now that I'm spending between one and two hours a day focused specifically on him (this change only happened in the past couple of days, so it's hard to tell yet), and the rest of the day checking in with him periodically and talking to him throughout the day. I was already doing the latter, but I think the former will make a big difference. And if it doesn't, that's fine. It'll take as long as it takes.

 

His patience is admirable. He hasn't expressed irritation or frustration or anything like that. He seems, to put it very simply, happy. He's got a mischievous grin.

 

The overall tone of our interactions has improved since adjusting our development process. I'm glad that we're starting to feel closer.

 

I'm thinking this out as I write it, so this post isn't as organized or clear as I'd like. But I guess that's all right; it's not like I'm going to take my progress report to a publisher.