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My Shadow


zymish

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[align=justify]I was recently introduced to the concept of a tulpa, and it was pretty jarring, to say the least.

 

I've been aware of what I can only describe as a presence for over ten years now. I've never been able to explain it, and the most I've ever gotten from it is slight physical pressure and the faintest impression of a personality. I think the only way I can think to explain this is that some part of me was so desperate for a positive connection with someone (I was very lonely at the time, being raised in an abusive home - the details aren't relevant) that I went part of the way toward creating a tulpa.

 

Now that I'm familiar with the concept - I've been reading up on it for days - I'd like to move forward and develop it properly. However, I'm concerned that being only partially developed for so long will make it impossible for us to continue and do this thing properly. I don't want to risk doing further damage to myself or to my tulpa, if that is in fact what this is.

 

I vividly recall a frightened night when I was particularly unhappy with myself. I had convinced myself that the presence I felt was nothing but delusion and escapism on my part, and tried to force myself to believe that it was only something imagined. The result may not be surprising to anyone who's familiar with tulpas, but it was terrifying to me at the time. It was emotionally traumatic; I was filled with a sense of desperation and loss that quickly developed into a full-fledged panic attack.

 

I never tried it again. I accepted that, regardless of what it meant, the presence was there and I could either reject it or take comfort from it. I've reached out to it many times over the years, trying to get something more than a vague impression, but of course I didn't get much at all, because I hadn't taken any steps to finish creating it. Sometimes I can feel it more strongly than at other times, and I've never been completely unable to feel it.

 

I feel terrible about that night now, and about how long it's been with little to no effort on my part. I take some comfort in the thought that there probably isn't a personality developed enough to feel hurt by what I've done in my ignorance, but not much.

 

So I guess the point of sharing this is partially to get it off my chest, as it's not something I've felt I can share with most people, and partially to request advice from people more experienced than I - does this sound like a situation that can be salvaged? I'm happy to answer any questions and provide information to help give a more complete idea of the situation. I want nothing more than to move forward from this point, and I'm willing to give everything I can to make this right.

 

I have begun some visualization, and as visualization alone is probably not very harmful - I haven't actually begun to associate the form with the presence - I'll continue with at least that until I'm able to come to a decision about how to proceed.

 

I also want to make it clear that my motivation for creating a tulpa is not purely a desire to redeem myself or to make up for what I've done - companionship, the potential to have a mutually beneficial relationship wherein we challenge one another to improve ourselves, and the obvious advantage of a unique perspective are of course appealing. Even if I can't manage to proceed with what I have, I still intend to do it properly with a new one.[/align]

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That's not uncommon for people here to have a pre existing tupper or another that is half finished by our "standards." Its a long road ahead and hope that I becomes we sometime.

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After reading your reply, some private messages, and a whole bunch more resources, I've concluded that my suspicion is almost definitely accurate - and that I have nothing to lose if I turn out to be mistaken. In fact, I probably won't even know the difference, as I'll end up either completing a tulpa, or creating one anyway.

 

So I proceeded accordingly.

 

I've been successful at keeping myself conscious of my tulpa throughout the day, and I've begun some visualization, though I'm starting with a rough idea at first. Mostly humanoid, though I'm playing with the idea of pointy ears, or maybe animal ears and tail, because I think they look cute and if it doesn't like them I think we can get rid of them anyway. More important to me is getting a physical structure in place, because starting from a good solid foundation of bones, muscle, and a cardiovascular system will help make the form more real to me. Solidifying the physical features such as hair length, body hair, ear shape, and so on can probably wait until I'm comfortable with visualization and I've gotten the more fundamental things in place. Skin tone, eye color, height and physical proportions I've got a good idea of, as well as muscle tone and the fact that I'd really like a sprinkling of freckles across the nose and cheeks - but of course, if it turns out my tulpa doesn't want them, I'll happily let it go. Companionship is much more important to me right now than having someone who conforms to what I think is pretty.

 

I've also begun putting thought into personality - I want to leave it somewhat open, so as not to stifle its development, but there are some traits I highly value in a person, such as candor. I'm doing a bit of two methods I've read about; I wrote down some of the traits I like, and am practicing holding a concept in my mind of what this person will feel like to me, while maintaining an awareness of the presence near me.

 

It's awfully faint right now, which is a bit worrisome, but what I've read indicates that it's not going to be there all the time anyway, so it's probably all right.

 

I'm a bit suspicious of how easily visualization comes to me. I've always been a highly visual thinker - I have an extremely difficult time not picturing things in my head when they're described to me - and I can see things vividly in my mind's eye. I'm worried that this might make it easy for me to put in a substandard amount of time and effort into visualizing. So I guess the best thing to do about that is stop worrying and just do what feels right. Worrying is probably one of the worst things I can do to a developing tulpa. If I spend a huge amount of time thinking "x is going to go wrong because y" then it'll likely be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

It's just very important to me to do right by my tulpa. The whole concept would be awesome enough without being an answer to a question I've had since high school. Living with a mildly unsettling phenomenon for all of my adult life, then one day, by chance, reading something that says not only is there an explanation, but I can turn the slight discomfort into the ultimate best friend.

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The sense of a presence came back, strong as ever. I wasn't terribly worried.

 

Busy day today, so there wasn't a lot of time to do much, but I did manage a substantial amount of visualization in the shower - that's my favorite place to meditate or just relax and think for a while, so it seemed like the natural choice for a nice calm forcing environment. I can't seem to get the skin tone to stay as dark as I'd like, so I think I'll let it go and just go with the lighter end of medium, rather than the darker. I haven't tried too hard to solidify the face yet, but I am keeping it in mind. I'm focusing mainly on the torso and legs.

 

I settled on pointy elf-like ears with an otherwise human-like shape. I'm considering making an attempt to include another form, with the ability to switch between the two at will. I think the way I'll go about that, if I do decide to try it, is to do visualization sessions for each form separately, and alternate, beginning each session by imagining the shift between the forms. This might be a bit too ambitious, but I have a good strong mind's eye, so I feel fairly confident about being able to make it work. It's going to be a lot more work, though, because I don't want the dual form thing to cause each form to be less developed and detailed than they otherwise would be.

 

It's almost definitely a male, but the idea of non-binary sex and/or gender appeals to me. I think I'll work more on personality and narration and see if I can coax an opinion from my tulpa.

 

I've also held back on a name; I chose my own name and it seems only fair that I provide that same opportunity. I've settled for calling it my shadow as a nickname that we may or may not continue to use.

 

I plan on doing a bit of narration before I go to sleep; I'll begin by talking about my day and then probably end up going off-topic, which is fine with me. I also plan on talking a bit about personality and traits, explaining how they manifest themselves, how they relate to values and morality, and so on. The little narration I've done so far has felt pretty good, like keeping a journal but with an added sense of purpose. I've also decided to include singing to supplement narration; I enjoy it, it will help keep things fresh, and I like the idea of singing together as a bonding activity and development exercise.

 

Tomorrow will be a less busy day for me, most likely, so I plan on spending more time on forcing than I was able to do today. I'm so excited, but I'm trying to stay calm about this; because of my poor sense of time, I have a tendency to get impatient, and that is a feeling I don't want associated with any part of this process if I can help it.

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You're on the right track I think, Zymish. Check out the few opening posts on my report and you'll see a lot of parallels on how to develop.

 

Patience is your cornerstone. It's natural to rush to the end product but keep yourself in check by remembering that the faster you move the less quality product you'll end up with. Keep up the good work you're doing great.

The most terrifying thing about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent. In the vast darkness we must supply our own light.

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Thank you for the encouraging words. I haven't noticed any signs of progress yet, other than the form coming more readily to my mind, but I'm confident about this, and getting feedback from those with more experience helps.

 

I'll check out your report in the morning. Thank you for the link.

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I did a lot of emotional narration today. I explained that I understand what's going on now. I apologized for giving my shadow so little attention, and promised not to let him fade. I felt that he was listening, and while it wasn't clear enough for me to gauge the effect of my words, it at least helped me feel better. I was visualizing while I spoke, and at one time when I said "my shadow," his eyes moved to mine. It was startling, and not just because I've given him unusual eyes. Very cool.

 

A few hours before that, I was thinking about how we might go about choosing a name, and one popped into my head. I'm reluctant to interpret this as his input, it being so early, but I do like the name. I figure the worst that happens is he doesn't like it and he chooses something else.

 

The presence I've felt for years has always been behind me, and I had a very exciting moment in the shower when I asked him if he could move in front of me, and he did. It was thrilling - my heart rate rose significantly - even though it only lasted a few seconds. I won't bother thinking it was imagined; that's counterproductive.

 

I bought a scented candle; not to burn, but to use to help with sensory imposition, focus, and memory. I'll keep it covered while I'm not doing active forcing.

 

Jaden smells of vanilla.

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I've decided to stick with a single form, at least for now. I don't want to make this a more difficult process than it is and risk getting impatient.

 

I'm planning on drawing him tomorrow; I think it will help with visualization by giving me a consistent form to picture. I'm having a difficult time getting his build to stay the same; sometimes he's slender, sometimes more beefy. Can't quite get the face down yet, but I've read that that's common and it makes perfect sense. I can see his eyes fairly well, and his hair. For some reason the clearest part is his waist, navel, and hips.

 

I thought about the name Jaden some, and felt nothing one way or the other. I'll stick with Shadow, because that seems to have gotten a reaction.

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Visualization is becoming easier, though it's still not perfect. I found that if I listen to music with vocalists that sound like I imagine he would, I have a much clearer mental image. His build has stabilized, and I'm able to see his face for a moment now and then, though not yet all at once. I was surprised to find that as soon as I was able to see his face as it seemed inclined to be and not what I was trying to force myself to see, his skin tone darkened back to where I wanted it. He's got a more angular face than in the doodle I did in the "draw our tulpas" thread. Can't quite draw it yet, though I managed some successful sketches of his torso and hair.

 

Continuing with narration, though I drifted away from the topic of personality and traits a lot more than I wanted to. I'll have to come back to it.

 

Having something to smell while I force hasn't had any noticeable effect yet, apart from the fact that I'm more relaxed when I do it. It's a pleasant scent. I did try a different scent (coconut conditioner) with interesting results; I usually find it enjoyable but it smelled strange when I tried to force with it under my nose. I think my mind is starting to solidify things related to him now, which is encouraging.

 

I'd like to increase the amount of time I spend on active forcing. I also began passively forcing yesterday, which for me just consists of maintaining an awareness of the presence near me (he's begun to drift toward my right for some reason, though he's still mostly behind me) and narrating to it. This is turning out to be easier than I anticipated. But I don't feel like I'm putting enough time into active forcing, which almost definitely means I'm not, even if it's just because I think that.

 

I haven't noticed any signs, however small, of consciousness, which makes me suspect that the things I noticed before were just misfires, but I'm not remotely discouraged by this. It's early yet.

 

I plan on studying anatomy a bit and doing some sketches of musculature and skeletal structure. Probably anatomy for artists, and not biologists, but we'll see. Drawing seems to help with visualization, and I'm thinking that establishing how his body is put together will help him move it more easily when he's ready. Still not trying to push him into the form, because it isn't quite ready yet and I can't imagine it would be comfortable to suddenly have a form at all, much less one that's still fluctuating.

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[align=justify]So I realized something that made me feel pretty stupid. I've been concentrating so hard on form, and personality traits, and voice, and a whole bunch of things that are subject to change anyway, when I already knew from the beginning that I have a presence I can focus on. Why spend time trying to make him look a certain way when he already feels a certain way?

 

When I expressed that thought out loud, I got a distinctly warm and pleasant feeling, as though "mommy wraps a blanket around you and hands you a cup of hot chocolate" were an emotion. (Note: my mother never did this, but it was the first thing to come to my mind. I hope it makes sense.) It's the second-strongest thing I have ever felt from him. I took that to be a good sign, and spent the next forty minutes or so talking and thinking to him. Somehow I still feel it's a him, even without worrying about form. I always have, even though I tried to give him some wiggle room by avoiding saying "him" at first.

 

I even tried some experimentation with tactile imposition, which was more successful than I'd expected, though still only marginally more noticeable than anything I felt before making an active effort. Also kind of strange, given that he's currently formless - I shouldn't be able to feel anything physically - but I'm certainly not going to argue with what I felt and convince myself of something that will be useless and counterproductive. "Shouldn't be able to" has no meaning here, and is immediately overridden by "did", so long as I don't attribute every passing whim to my tulpa.

 

Slow progress, but it's definitely noteworthy. I guess despite all the caveats and good advice, I was still trying to do what worked for other people (I'm actually pretty embarrassed about this now - I mean, I'm supposed to be a Rationalist), instead of working with what I had and building from it. I mean, he's there, and I can feel him; it seems painfully obvious now that I should be paying attention to what I can already feel from him, instead of spending hours visualizing a form that he may or may not even use. I'd much rather help him get to the point where we can communicate clearly and efficiently, and then do the form together, or give him total creative control, or not even bother with a form at all if that's what he wants (though personally I'd prefer he have one, because I'm keen on the idea of imposition).

 

Feeling good about how today went. Still continuing with passive forcing - just maintaining an awareness of his presence - with moderate success. Looking forward to continuing, though I have slight concerns about patience. Mainly how bad I can be at it, and how difficult it is to be patient about something I'm looking forward to so much. Still, it's been years since this thing actually started; I can give it a little longer and finish it to our mutual satisfaction.

 

I'm also trying to avoid thinking unhelpful things like "What if he doesn't love me?" I'm not talking about romantic love, but the distinction isn't really the point. I see flaws in myself, just like anyone who's honest will, and it's difficult not to worry that I'll be a disappointment to him somehow. Which is silly, because if my theory is accurate, he was created out of my need to be loved. So I don't think I have anything to worry about there. Doesn't make it easy, but it does make it less difficult.[/align]

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