glitter and mist's progress thread

[glittermilk]

i figured id stop numbering my updates now seeing as i dont really have a reason to post every day:p

 

this week has been very hard for me, ive been eating little to nothing because i have no money and only recently managed to get some commission work, so thankfully that problem is dealt with at least.

work is still a huge stress though, i barely feel motivated and i just feel like im going to fail and i don't even care about that any more.

i have a few irl friends but i still feel a huge difference between them and me, everyone in the world is so obsessed with being in relationships and love and all that garbage and here i am...the alien lol. it really hit home when one of my guy friends was saying how hot all my girl friends were to be nice,,, didn't even look at me lol. so at the end of the day im never really going to have any close friends, and the fact that im somehow not ok with that even though i shouldnt care is driving me crazy

the only time i find any peace and happiness is when i talk to mist before bed. i still get a feeling of really strong affection from her, which is nice. but ive been finiding it difficult to concentraate on her in the day, every time i try some oher issue will just push into my head. so im even letting mist down now lol

i thought about starting cutting again today, but i just dont want to hurt mist. i know that she probably wouldnt feel the pain but idk she might, and it would upset her anyway.

 

but i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont fit in here, and im just constantly worrying. i keep thinking how much i miss my old friends, but even theyve abandoned me for getting boyfriends and stuff now and everything that reminds me of them hurts me so much lol. sorry for the rant but this is the only place where irl people dont know me, and if they knew i was feeling like this theyd get all invasive in my life lol. but its just clear i dont belong anywhere, im an alien. i wish i could just live in my wonderland with mist forever. maybe when i die that'll happen.

[Thevious]

I miss reading up on your posts, but lifestyle probably giving ya one hell of a time. Hope to read about it later ^^"

[Cinemaphobe]

You shouldn't have disappeared Glitter, and I hope I didn't play any role in your disappearance :(

[glittermilk]

holy shit wow hi

 

to be honest I don't really know exactly why I'm writing this haha, catharsis???? because I left off on an extremely sombre note???? who knows who knows

 

I haven't thought about this place in a long long time, but after recently watching a lot of videos on (mostly fake) did systems it reminded me of my brief foray into tulpamancy lol

 

If it wasn't abundantly clear by my earlier posts I was very, very unwell when I decided to try and make a tulpa. I was at university and a few years prior to that I had a complete breakdown which I thought I had recovered from. In actuality I struggled to make any friends, to keep up with my studies or even maintain basic hygiene. A lot of that time I have repressed the memory of now so I can't go into specifics but I know that I was deeply unhappy, alone, hurting myself regularly and honestly desperate for an escape. Tulpamancy apparently was the perfect solution.

 

I must have stopped 'forcing' shortly after my final post here; I definitely have no other presence in my head any more haha, though my 'wonderland' I can still return to funnily enough, though probably not as vividly. It still feels comforting to go there, which I don't do often at all, usually on the rare occassion that I'm really struggling to sleep.

 

I wanted to talk a little bit about where I am now vs then. Honestly the me from my previous posts could never have imagined id be as happy as I am now. She probably didn't even realise this level of contentment and peace with life was even possible. That's not to say I don't still have my struggles of course, but the contrast from where I was then to now is honestly staggering. Past me extremely neglected her health, was extremely unkind and unforgiving to herself, was terrified of other people and honestly felt she had no talents or future prospects. Now well, I'm still kind of terrified of people lol. But I understand where it comes from and I've made peace with that part of myself. I go to the gym now and eat healthily without being too restrictive and I take pride in my appearance. I picked up tons of new hobbies and tomorrow I'm starting my first job that actually pays a salary rather than an hourly rate.

 

I think it all happened because I took the love and care and patience I gave towards mist, and slowly learned how to turn it towards myself. I think in a roundabout way that was what it was all about. I didn't feel I was worth investing in at that time, but I was more than happy to invest that caring energy into something that maybe one day would love me back. 

 

If you're here and still reading, I guess there is a good chance that you're interested in tulpamancy yourself. I think it is a deeply helpful practice in many ways, particularly the meditative aspects, and if it gives people goals and a project to work on I think that's great!!! Please follow your passions with all your heart ♡

However if you are like me, and you are doing this in part because you feel alone, desperate and want to escape, please understand that things will not always be like this. The human mind is an incredible machine and it will do all it can to heal from whatever is hurting you, eventually. The best you can do in the meantime is treat it with kindness. Treat yourself how you would treat your tulpa. Forgive lack of progress. Forgive mistakes. Encourage growth and practice and failure. Treat your body with kindness too!!!! Feed it what it needs to sustain you, go for a walk when you possibly have the energy. You don't need to much at all. Everything you need to become your best self is already within you.

 

The final thing I wanted to say was thank you to the people that originally interacted with me in this thread. I'm sure you're not around any more and I hope i didn't scare you too much with my sudden disappearance. It makes me so sad that I must have worried people but also it heartens me to see that a couple of people did seem to genuinely care about my wellbeing back then. I honestly look back and cherish all those small, seemingly insignificant interactions I had when I was at my lowest. I was so starved of kindness that it really meant a lot to me. I hope you're doing well. 

 

I guess now I'll disappear into the aether again haha, sorry for bumping an ancient thread but as I said I couldn't leave it on such a morbid note. Take care everyone ♡♡♡

[joshywoods]

Hi glittermilk! My name's Josh, time works in crazy ways. I actually just started reading your progress forum yesterday. Your progress and creativity with Mist was really inspiring. It's crazy to me that this was 7 years ago, and yet you finally came with a follow up 3 days ago. What if I came earlier? I could've missed that! So relieved to hear you found your happiness, peace, and contentment. A little saddened to hear about Mist though, hope you might feel the inspiration to try and reach out to her again(no pressure). Anyways, thanks for all the honesty and vulnerability you put into your posts, they were an absolute joy to read. I hope you enjoy a long and wonderful life!

[TurboSimmie]

Wow! I don't know you and don't presume to know your story, but reading your post filled me with a great wholesome joy. I think you said a lot of important things there. Especially the part about how tulpamancy taught you how to be kind to yourself. 💚 This is something I'm trying to teach my host and he is slowly starting to learn. And even more importantly how life will get better. I didn't know you during your active forum days obviously, but to hear where you came from and to see that you're thriving now fills me with so much hope for people I care about who are currently lost and suffering. My host's "long night" has been going on for 16 years now but even he has faith that better times lie ahead and my goal is to try and get him there in whatever way I can!

 

Thank you so much for your post, and for reminding us all not just to be kind to each other, but kind to ourselves as well. 💚