Hosts with OCD -- How do I deal with intrusive, negative thoughts?

[xaereth]

I asked this recently on the IRC and got a lot of great answers to my questions, but among the many suggestions I got I was told it would be good to talk to other people with clinical Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and get advice from them on the subject of my particular problem.

 

I'm a highly neurotic individual. My obsessions and compulsions, through lots of therapy, I have managed to turn away from the exterior and into the realm of the interior. I used to have to tap things over and over and over, putting positive wishes into those objects before letting go, lest I leave the object touched with a "bad wish" and have that wish come true. This made moving around and generally living a normal life nigh but impossible, hence the extensive therapy I partook. The remnants of these obsessions are now entirely in the realm of my thoughts -- when 11:11 rolls around I have to make sure I make a "good wish" lest I make a bad one and it comes true. Being a college student I can't help but feel ridiculous and silly for doing this little ritual in my head, but I don't look at all strange to anyone because they're just thoughts.

 

Now on to why I'm desperately seeking help here. A year or two ago, a friend and I were working on tulpas together (a few weeks after the forthcoming events detailed herein, we both gave up forcing). He said something that now ALWAYS comes to mind the MOMENT I think of tulpaforcing, in any way shape or form. He made the joke that, earlier that day, he'd gone into my wonderland and hung out with my tulpa. He told me she'd said she liked him better, and I can't recall but I think he insinuated that she wanted to leave with him or something. While I can understand his particular brand of godeing, provocative humor, he could not have said a worse thing to me. Out of everything he's ever said that has upset me in one way or another (I guess I'm easy to upset or something, I've never really understood this sort of aggressive, mean humor that is apparently normal for guys despite being a guy myself), THIS particular statement hurt the most. My greatest fear has always been isolation, being alone, and losing my capacity to think or to reason, what makes me ME.

 

So now I'm paralyzed with fear, years after the fact, worrying that if I even try to force in the slightest I will taint what used to be such a wonderful and strong connection to an old imaginary friend that I just wanted to give sentience. I know logically he can't invade my headspace, or at least I know that he wouldn't actually go to the effort to do that, but he may as well have. He doesn't know the full extent of my latent mental illness; in fact, no one does. I'm very good at hiding it now, because at some point therapy simply stopped working. When you're dealing in a realm of thought, it's much harder to practice CBT and redirecting action when there's no action to redirect. I can't "expose" myself to something that's ephemeral and entirely thought-based.

 

I just don't want my poor tulpa to grow up in such a hostile and misery-torn mental landscape, much less because the cause of it is my worrying about her. And what really upsets me so much more than anything else isn't that he said what he did, but that I'm too sensitive and too mentally ill to let the thought go. In fact, I'm sure that somewhere along the line I would have naturally began to worry that if I was worrying about her growing up and deciding to symbolically "leave me" because I'm worthless or because I'm not interesting enough, I would instill that impulse in her personality. I'm sure that at some point worrying that she would like my friend better than myself would have come to my mind, and I'd be wracked with guilt and fear over it just as much as I am now. The fact that he said it to begin with merely sparked what would be an eventual fire.

 

Dealing entirely in thought is something of a nightmare for me. But having a life-long friend sharing a headspace with me would help me so much. Just to have a companion would lessen these burdens. What do I do?

[Timofey]

I do not have OCD, but hey, some things still can be useful.

He'd gone into my wonderland and hung out with my tulpa. He told me she'd said she liked him better.

As far as I know, *mostly*, "One does not simply walk into your head". It was, 90% sure about it, a joke. I've seen Russian tulpa forums and lucid dreaming forums. Almost everybody experimented with it at least once. Actually, even twins did not succeed most time. So, worries out, head up. It's a ghost chance it's a true story.

My greatest fear has always been isolation, being alone, and losing my capacity to think or to reason, what makes me ME.

Oh. How do I understand you. Actually, for some reason, I am terribly afraid of silence. Silence being so silent, it becomes loud. Unfortunately, I can't give you advice on it.

I just don't want my poor tulpa to grow up in such a hostile and misery-torn mental landscape, much less because the cause of it is my worrying about her.

Well... I've seen some people, who, actually, created tulpa to get out of hard cases of depression. 3/4 times it went right. What's for the 4? They kept on thinking depression is bad for creation of tulpas. They're wrong, actually, but as long as you think so, you won't succeed.

I'm sure that somewhere along the line I would have naturally began to worry that if I was worrying about her growing up and deciding to symbolically "leave me" because I'm worthless or because I'm not interesting enough, I would instill that impulse in her personality.

Heh. Very old tulpamancing legend. Almost never comes true. Chance as ghostly, as of your friend invading your head.

 

Think positive, man.

[xaereth]

Hey, thanks for the reply. It seems there are a lot of people who are reading but not certain how to answer; I kind of expected that, to be honest, but surely there are a few who struggle with OCD in at least similar ways to me. I guess we'll see. And folks like you, who sympathize in general. I appreciate it.

 

As far as I know, *mostly*, "One does not simply walk into your head". It was, 90% sure about it, a joke. I've seen Russian tulpa forums and lucid dreaming forums. Almost everybody experimented with it at least once. Actually, even twins did not succeed most time. So, worries out, head up. It's a ghost chance it's a true story.

 

Oh I'm positive he meant it in a joking way. Firstly, that'd be too much effort for him to even consider going to, and more importantly, he is my friend, so I know he'd never actually do something like that. He was just, like I said, shooting the shit in that put-down kind of "guy humor." Most of that is insecurity, I imagine, just like my issues are all related to insecurity as well.

 

The issue for me is that now the idea is in my head, the thought that if I even think his name while I'm forcing, an image will flash across my mind's eye of him stealing her away, or her falling in love with him. And my concern is that if it happens all throughout her development, he will be a large focus of her personality. She'll either be conditioned by me to hate him, because every time I think the thoughts that mustn't be, I will react to them with thoughts of anger and hatred, or that she'll be conditioned to think those thoughts, purely by being exposed to them so much. It's quite the quandary. I think entirely too much.

 

Well... I've seen some people, who, actually, created tulpa to get out of hard cases of depression. 3/4 times it went right. What's for the 4? They kept on thinking depression is bad for creation of tulpas. They're wrong, actually, but as long as you think so, you won't succeed.

 

Interesting. I mean, this is what the folks on IRC kept saying. That no matter what, if I think it's okay and fine for the tulpa's development, it will be. However my tulpa turns out, through whatever deviations she undergoes, she'll be very aware that I have these kinds of internal compulsions. I just don't want to drive her insane with the sheer volume of thought I have going through my head at every given moment. So much fear, anxiety, depression, anger. And yet somehow I'm very composed, stable, genial, even. On the outside. I laugh with my friends, have good relationships with people, do well in my studies... and yet my mind is a maelstrom.

 

Heh. Very old tulpamancing legend. Almost never comes true. Chance as ghostly, as of your friend invading your head.

 

Well I appreciate the advice and the sentiment. I will do my best to keep thinking positively and put these ideas aside. I've been reading threads about memory deletion, it's such a shame I don't already have that ability. To repress the incident and move forward would at least buy me some time, which would be nice.

Again, thank you for the kind words.

[mr insano]

My OCD is not nearly as bad as yours. Or at least it hasn't been in a long time. But.

 

I've had OCD issues relating to my tulpa. I don't know if I should mention them specifically or not, as I don't want to set yours off any further - and I know that hearing about other people's obsessions and compulsions can do that.

 

But I pretty much just explained all my issues to Tess. Anxiety, OCD, depression, concentration issues that may or may not be ADD depending on which counselor you ask. I told her about the things I was worried about, and how I was afraid it might affect her. Now, she can recognize those things, and say "Don't worry, that's just your mind messing with you." For example, I can get super paranoid at night; for some reason at that time of day my anxiety gets amped up like crazy. She is always quick to say "That's just your thoughts, Insano! Don't be afraid! Let's focus on something else!"

 

Since she inhabits the same mind as I do, and knows all my memories and such, she understands my OCD, and despite not having it herself she's able to recognize it when it comes.

 

She can also manipulate my thoughts to a certain extent, and eliminate or at least reduce the anxious thoughts. It doesn't always work, though. I still have anxiety. I still have OCD. But we are able to force effectively. So I guess it's just something that we'll get the hang of over more time.

 

I guess just try to talk to your tulpa about it while you're forcing her. It's worked for me, anyway. :) I hope this helps and feel free to ask any more questions that you have. I don't have severe OCD by any means though and of course I'm no expert, so if this method doesn't work for you, let me know and we'll just keep talking until we figure something out. :)

 

edit: I'm pretty busy right now which is why I don't post too often. But I'll add this thread to my favorites and reply when I can. you can also pm me if you like. Anyway, best of luck to you.

[ThatFellowWithTheScarf]

I haven't dealt with OCD. Or at least I've never been tested for such things before. Huh, strange thinking I may have something and have no idea. Anyways, I did deal with sleep paralysis and insomnia. I find what works best when working with a tulla is to simply have faith that they can help you. Trust your tulpa no matter what and they will do amazing things for you.

[xaereth]

I've had OCD issues relating to my tulpa. I don't know if I should mention them specifically or not, as I don't want to set yours off any further - and I know that hearing about other people's obsessions and compulsions can do that.

 

Thank you for the reply, and I appreciate that you recognize how these things work. Clearly you've struggled with it too, and I'm sorry to hear that :(

 

But I pretty much just explained all my issues to Tess. Anxiety, OCD, depression, concentration issues that may or may not be ADD depending on which counselor you ask. I told her about the things I was worried about, and how I was afraid it might affect her. Now, she can recognize those things, and say "Don't worry, that's just your mind messing with you." For example, I can get super paranoid at night; for some reason at that time of day my anxiety gets amped up like crazy. She is always quick to say "That's just your thoughts, Insano! Don't be afraid! Let's focus on something else!"

 

Dang that's so uncanny. My anxiety ramps up a huge amount if it's late at night and I'm tired... I get close sometimes to actually having a panic attack, for no real good reason. Except all the imagined reasons, of course.

 

Since she inhabits the same mind as I do, and knows all my memories and such, she understands my OCD, and despite not having it herself she's able to recognize it when it comes.

 

This right here... I guess that's very valid. A tulpa will know you better in many ways than you know yourself. Thoughts, memories, emotions... So an intelligent, autonomous tulpa would know that every time you think an aberrant or otherwise insidious/wrong thought, that it was merely one of those pesky intrusive thoughts, and disregard it completely just like I try to. That's incredibly helpful, thank you.

 

She can also manipulate my thoughts to a certain extent, and eliminate or at least reduce the anxious thoughts. It doesn't always work, though. I still have anxiety. I still have OCD. But we are able to force effectively. So I guess it's just something that we'll get the hang of over more time.

 

Very interesting. I'll have to keep that in mind. That's not at all the reason why I'm making my tulpa (hopefully tulpae at some point), just to be clear, but I imagine that could be one of the many side benefits of forcing.

 

I guess just try to talk to your tulpa about it while you're forcing her. It's worked for me, anyway. :) I hope this helps and feel free to ask any more questions that you have. I don't have severe OCD by any means though and of course I'm no expert, so if this method doesn't work for you, let me know and we'll just keep talking until we figure something out. :)

 

No no, everything that you've said has been super reassuring for me. I very much appreciate your advice! :) I'll stop being hesitant and fearful and just go ahead with it, doing my best to keep positive and keep from worrying too much. "Fear is the mind killer," as the Bene Gesserit would say. And as you and many others have said, if you believe you're doing the right thing, and it feels positive and good, it will be. Nothing mental or psychic can harm you unless you let it. I just need to keep remembering that.

 

Despair sometimes has a way of distracting you away from recognizing the potential for purity and light is inside you rather than somewhere exterior.

 

Thanks again for all of your kind and reassuring advice!

 

I find what works best when working with a tulla is to simply have faith that they can help you. Trust your tulpa no matter what and they will do amazing things for you.

 

Yep, I just need to have more faith in that. Staying positive can be a hard thing to do, but meditation and calmness training/energy work would definitely be a good place to start.

[mr insano]

Thank you for the reply, and I appreciate that you recognize how these things work. Clearly you've struggled with it too, and I'm sorry to hear that :(

 

You're welcome! Ever since getting diagnosed, I've always wanted to help people who have similar struggles. Because I know how hard it is. So thank you very much :)

 

Dang that's so uncanny. My anxiety ramps up a huge amount if it's late at night and I'm tired... I get close sometimes to actually having a panic attack, for no real good reason. Except all the imagined reasons, of course.

Yep, same. :/ Thankfully, mine doesn't get quite to the point of panic attacks, but it's gotten close in the past.

 

This right here... I guess that's very valid. A tulpa will know you better in many ways than you know yourself. Thoughts, memories, emotions... So an intelligent, autonomous tulpa would know that every time you think an aberrant or otherwise insidious/wrong thought, that it was merely one of those pesky intrusive thoughts, and disregard it completely just like I try to. That's incredibly helpful, thank you.

 

Yes! :) So there's nothing to worry about, really. :3 It may not be easy. But you'll be able to do it, no problem!

 

Very interesting. I'll have to keep that in mind. That's not at all the reason why I'm making my tulpa (hopefully tulpae at some point), just to be clear, but I imagine that could be one of the many side benefits of forcing.

 

Of course! That wasn't the reason I created Tess, either. I'm planning on making multiple tulpae in the future, too. But it's definitely a plus.

 

No no, everything that you've said has been super reassuring for me. I very much appreciate your advice! Smile I'll stop being hesitant and fearful and just go ahead with it, doing my best to keep positive and keep from worrying too much. "Fear is the mind killer," as the Bene Gesserit would say. And as you and many others have said, if you believe you're doing the right thing, and it feels positive and good, it will be. Nothing mental or psychic can harm you unless you let it. I just need to keep remembering that.

 

Despair sometimes has a way of distracting you away from recognizing the potential for purity and light is inside you rather than somewhere exterior.

 

Thanks again for all of your kind and reassuring advice!

 

Exactly.

 

I really like what you said in the bolded text. That's definitely true. When I was really depressed, I was constantly searching for happiness, but I was never finding it. I still struggle with it, but I'm better now than I used to be, and I think it's because I connected a lot more with my spirituality and inner self.

 

And no problem! :) I'm glad I could help...Again, feel free to PM or post on this thread if you need help with anything else, or have any more questions. I don't have a fully imposed tulpa yet, but she's fully sentient and we're both willing to help.