Starting again, yet somehow discouraged.

[Abvieon]

Over a year ago, when I had begun creating Alex, I was confident with preforming the task of creating a tulpa, and despite not having too much progress, I was doing alright. A few weeks into the process, however, I woke up one day feeling odd. I kept telling myself "Are you really doing this? Is it really working?" It felt as if everything I had gone through regarding tulpa creation was a dream, a distant thought, and a false memory, all rolled into one. I suddenly couldn't believe what I was doing, it was as if my own mind was rejecting the notion of having a tulpa, or it even being possible. I continued the process, but eventually stopped due to lack of motivation and being busy with other things in life. However, that odd feeling likely played a part in stopping.

 

I suppose that could be dismissed as ordinary doubt, yet even after reading countless accounts of people successfully creating tulpas, the strange feeling I encountered before has returned, before I've even restarted the process. I was going to restart two days ago, yet that strange feeling keeps stopping me whenever I want to.

 

I want a tulpa more than anything else at the time, and it has been that way for awhile now. I have the excitement needed to help me persevere, but the doubts are just slightly stronger. I keep thinking things along the lines of "What if it takes me a whole year to get a real response? What if tulpas aren't truly sentient, and are nothing more than complex hallucinations? What if wishful thinking leads to false progress? What if my tulpa is never able to possess?"

 

Additionally, it is very difficult for me to change my habits, or build new ones. Once I restart the process, I'll want to narrate to Alex as often as I can throughout the day, which shouldn't be too difficult, but it would be a habit I'd have to build. I am very bad at splitting my attention between multiple things at once, which makes it even more difficult. Active forcing is not much easier, as I have some of the most annoying intrusive thoughts one could have.

 

Anyways, has anyone experienced the type of doubt I have been experiencing, or had trouble starting/restarting creation? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Linkzelda]

I’m not sure if there's any anecdotes I’ve read where a person didn’t have moments of apprehensiveness and consternation as to whether or not they should continue doing something like this. But what I can infer from said professions is that being aware of those thoughts, and even being aware of being confused as to what to do is merely just that. There’s a lot of analogues I could use to describe this, but whatever ontological presumption a person has, .e.g., what they feel makes a tulpa, a tulpa is probably something they’ll be trying to progressively learn how to validate for themselves if they choose to persevere with building frameworks on assessing their life with their companions.

 

You are free to dismiss those apprehensive and critical thoughts at your own volition, though if you’re wondering if you’re doing something wrong, all I’m really seeing is that you want to know how to react to those thoughts, and still go on in spite of them. There may still be a lot of nuances when it comes to hopefully finding a silver lining, and end-all be-all validators of them being sentient and real to you, and maybe embracing that probability may make things easier for you. I guess when words like “hallucination,” “not tangible,” “complex,” and such sends off an emotive reaction for you to stop because maybe you could be wondering how they can even be integrated in your day-to-day life.

 

And as for the strife you have with the methodologies to contribute in your forcing endeavors, my advice to most people would be to revel in one’s incompetency for the time being, and the more they embrace things as a progressive learning curve, they won’t take things so earnestly to where things backfire (e.g. them wanting to further their tendency to treat a tulpa as sentient; a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will).

 

And for me personally, before I knew about tulpas, I had the same apprehensive disposition that often lead to existential questioning over dream characters, and other constructs pertaining to lucid dreaming as well. Especially when trying to find a dream guide, and being more open to the probability of not having a knee-jerk reaction to feel like crap and have nihilistic tendencies knowing that the experience with said dream characters, and their existence and meaning to me would be contingent on how much I wanted to treasure them.

 

There will be times where one may just have to forget about the experiences altogether; there may be a time where one has to be aware of the exceptions they make for tulpas vs. a concept like dream characters where their existence would dissipate the moment you wake up. Unless of course, the memories of them are something you want to treasure and add on to your progressive, and expanding horizon of the world you’re in, and the virtual experiential realities in your head; whether sleeping, or through day-dreaming.

 

And maybe just being aware of those thoughts, doubting, and yearnings to give up, and yet still crave for that joy that may ensue with the journey isn’t a sign of weakness, but maybe something advantageous because you may realize that if you wanted to stop right now, no one honestly could control your private, subjective experience, and tell you that you’re less of a person for doing such and such, even with tulpas. Words in pit-pattering rage may be apparent through discussions, but at the end of the day, you’re the one that chooses whether or not to take ownership of your ability to reign in yourself in spite of whatever thoughts come to mind. And maybe learning to appreciate their existence in spite of who they could be; hallucination, pseudo-real, partitioned unconscious, or whatever could help in you finding the ideal attitude that can be emotionally mature to any circumstance. But easier said than done, though. It's not surprising to have inner turmoil with your mind as it's probably a battle inside that you want to find rapport with all the time; some see it as such, some see it as a trickster, or something else entirely, but that's probably contingent on what they want to make it as.