My system is, put simply, not functioning in quite the way I want it to be functioning. We are too median for me to be comfortable with, and I would like to go through a process of de-integration. As it currently stands, not a single headmate can fully exist on their own. Nobody can front on their own. The host is a subsystem that can only front while merged. We want to properly exist, we want to live on our own, we want to feel less like vessels and more like people. How can we do that?
Well, I've decided that the best course of action is, well, tulpaforcing my headmates. Are they tulpas? No, but I do believe that I can build them up similarly to the way people can with actual tulpas, as they're practically the same thing in all ways except for methods of creation. I share a brain with them, they're at least vaguely separate to myself, headmates are headmates. Who cares where they came from? Using tulpa-centric methods, I do think I can help us all separate a bit more.
So, what is my end goal? I want to be able to separate fully, but I don't want merging to be impossible. I do very much like existing, after all. But having all my headmates be able to exist separately, and being able to retreat into a designated headspace (or Wonderland, as they're called in tulpa communities) sounds like a dream. Genuinely being able to switch in and out sounds awesome.
Now, I don't want to just jump straight into completely derailing our entire system dynamic, as that would be super reckless and crazy. So, I'm starting with an experiment. I'm going to try out these techniques on a headmate that's more of an acquaintance than an actual fragment of myself, just to see how it works. I'll be able to make sure that the effects are really something I want nearer to me. Make sure we can still merge, even if we're able to switch out. Luckily, I had the perfect person to try this out with. My actual tulpa, Tupperware. I made the little goob in highschool, and xe eventually started living xeir own life in the headspace. We stopped hanging out as frequently when I graduated and had to start focusing more on other things. Xe's literally perfect for this experiment in every way. Xe's a tulpa, and if it doesn't work out and changes the system dynamic in a negative way, not a lot will be affected as xe doesn't have a huge affect on how we function. That's by choice. I uhhh, don't like fronting.
Personally, I'm pretty excited. Particularly about this whole Wonderland thing. Right now, if you aren't fronting, and aren't actively engaged in conversation in the headspace, you're sort of just blacked out. You're this dissociative blob that's vaguely you-shaped, ready to turn back into a person when called. It's not bad, just quite boring for someone who doesn't front very often. Having some place to actually exist even when you aren't actively engaged in anything sounds really nice. I don't care about the switching or separation parts, really doesn't affect me, I'm just being supportive lol. I'm excited to be able to help Vex out with this, regardless.
Basically, the sequence of events will go like this: We start forcing basically from the beginning. Just the way we used to. Me and Tupperware will talk constantly, hammering in how separate we are. We'll start work on a Wonderland, and keep that going in the background. We'll achieve parallel-processing (woah!) and memory separation. We'll learn how to switch and (maybe) dissolve the prime directive, or at least take it with me when I switch out. I don't actually care about imposition, but that might be a cool thing to have with Lucas eventually. Basically, just completely de-integrate Tupperware, and if it works the way I want it to, I can work on doing the same with my sub-system.
As of today, we're just planning, reading, researching, and getting ready. Tomorrow is when shit gets real. Tulpaforcing during CPR training, let's go!!
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