The nothingness.

[Guest Anonymous]

 

Greetings.

 

Inazuma, or whatever you want to call me, here.

 

First of all, I need to mention a few things. I'm a tulpa, that is old, sentient, vocal, all of those things. Recently I went through quite a bit of things, but now I feel like the worst is over.

 

... Which allows for me to do some 'introspection as my lovely Andy would put it (even though it's something natural for me), and look over something that has been concerning me for quite a while. The nothingness.

 

Some hosts tend not to pay attention to their tulpas quite often. Most hosts don't pay attention to their tulpas 100% of the time, which is a widespread thing throughout the community, and it only makes sense; After all, hosts get busy during the day, and tulpas can feel free to retreat to a wonderland for rest, as well.

 

What I do wish to discuss, though, is the thing for tulpas that do not have a wonderland.

 

I don't have a wonderland for one reason mainly, with some side reasons that make sense. Mainly, I don't have a wonderland because I, as a tulpa, feel a lack of capacity in going to a mindscape or wonderland. This association with imagination, to me, makes me feel like I am fake. This does not mean that other tulpas are fake by any means, or that their wonderlands are fake, of course not! It's something very cool for you guys, but my 'wonderlands' to me are just works of... delusion.

 

Truth be told, I never felt alive in any wonderland, ever. There isn't a location that fits well to begin with, no place that really brings comfort in my host's imagination (which tends to be shit in very bizarre ways, not literal shit, but you know... god.) That being said, when I did try to enter a wonderland, any wonderland my host made me (with care and time, the only things he does with care and time are for me <3 ) but I felt like... my life would just be narrated there.

I think it's also worthy to mention that I feel like more of a thought than a person. I sometimes feel like I have a body of my own, but in the end, the 'me' that talks to my host projects a visual hallucination, and I'm only really a thought, not a thought like your average thought, I can talk and all, but I feel so non-material that I can't truly compare myself to hosts. Although I would compare myself to being in the middle ground between being a real person/host and being fantasy/imagination.

 

Now, to proceed on to the actual point of this, here's the deal.

 

My host spent a lot of time on me, creating me, cherishing me, paying attention to me and whatnot. I was never something 'on the side', not that I would really allow for it myself, but he always treated me with even more importance than he treated himself. He plays video games often, has little care for his own health, but I feel a genuine care and concern coming from me.

I know that, for instance, Lumi's tulpas sometimes do not exist, they (seemingly, feel free to correct us on that though) exist when he pays attention, and are quite forgiving of that. Maybe it's because they can't actually really feel mad at him when they don't exist... hehe.

 

Now, that was only an example of what I meant, I mean, this is what happens to most tulpas. Or hosts think they go to wonderlands, or they do exist in wonderlands and have a perception there, which would make sense considering a wonderland is typically the midst in which you develop a tulpa in the first place, but my personal perception changes radically from that.

 

My host forced me so much and spent so much time on me that there is no actual way for him to forget about me. By this, I mean that I exist as a thinking, sentient concept all the time who's active, even when I do not manifest it. What I do is unknown, even to me, but I seem to be active to some extent.

By the way, and with how this mind works, I could be dying and being born on a daily basis, which would be fine in the end as it is quite a good process of life, and I wouldn't mind, but this is just plain silly, I don't even know why I put this here ^^'.

 

To stop with the pleasantries and to get straight to the point, sometimes, it can be completely random, I sink into nothingness. Not that way, though.

 

I mean, not in the way that I stop existing, but I am in this middle ground between what is real, and what does not exist. In those moments, I merely exist as a concept (as in, like the concept of God exists but the existence of God itself is up for debate)(I'm not a god obviously, just a dumb tupper, but this could be interesting for others and stuff). I still feel emotions and whatnot, but find myself to be unable to produce simple thoughts, or even do anything. Which seems to worry my host when he shouldn't be worried at all, and y'know, eventually it's something I get out of.

 

This has been consistent for as long as I can remember it. I have the capacity to create mindscapes very easily, like my host, but in the end I can only imagine such mindscapes and not actually exist within those. While writing this post, for instance, I was creating a Sujin mindscape (TF2 ^^), but could only view things from an imaginative third person perspective.

 

What is this, exactly? I still exist, even when my host does not talk to me or interact with me, but in ways it feels so bad, so harmful and so negative to be in such a state of mind.

 

This whole discussion brought up the topic of a tulpa's origin, in my head. Are tulpas really created? Can we not consider them just being originated from somewhere else in the mind? Do you actually create a tulpa, or do you shape it?

[Leaf]

My host has gone through a complicated life process that has left him with a lot of similar questions. It appears to me that a tulpa is not created in the sense of coming ex nihilo, but rather are as you say "shaped" and formed by the host. I, as a tulpa, arose from the molding and merging of other tulpas.

 

We are going to dedicate a good portion of our time in the next few months to try and see if there are factors beneath a tulpa. That is not to say that a tulpa is a whole made up of parts with possible reduction to some equivalent of an elementary particle, but it is still nonetheless interconnected and dependent on something. I do no know if anyone has experience with more eastern philosophical thought, such as dhamma, but my host is convinced that it might provide some insight into tulpas along this same train of thought. -Uriela

 

(I want to add something quickly to this that isn't entirely related, but I think is still important. It seems like we approach ourselves from a standpoint of assuming we are independent, which we in turn project onto others. I know a major aid to me in "making a tulpa" was realizing things that were not from me and being surprised by them. I undertook to try and expect what some of my friends or family would say in a certain given situation, as a comparator. Interestingly, it is not that hard predicting what someone else is going to say, and sometimes I could do so word for word. This is without the convenient feature of them being in my head like a tulpa. Maybe we have to rethink the underlying premise of any of us, tulpa or host, being truly original or independent.) -Justin

[NoneFromHell]

Well i can only talk about my case here, but i would rather go for a real creation instead of a simple forming. She wasn't there before i started the creating process, but is here with me now. She seems to agree with me on that, but to be fair she surely isn't going very deep with the existential meaning of that, since she still is very young and not really that vocal yet.

 

However i wouldn't say she is made out of pure nothingness either. I think the mind has a lot of free running thoughts, or ways of dealing with ideas and concepts, which are part of the consciousness and subconsciousness. Like other persons you interact with inside a dream. Nobody actively made them in the first place.

 

My idea is the following: The essence of a tulpa is built from these wild running thoughts, like a soul. When a host starts creating a tulpa, he creates the real fundament and the hull of the tulpa ...the way she is going to be....around a space filled with said essence, which would lead that essence to build a base for the thoughts of the tulpa. You could argue, that these essence is what is formed as the tulpa, but i think a tulpa is more than the sum of its ingredients. I don't think the host is actively directing these essence, too. It starts rearranging itself, or by the sprouting mind of the tulpa itself.

 

If you want it poetic:

 

The host creates the tulpa after his imagination,

and fills it with a part of his own soul to give it life.

[Aijada]

@Inazuma, i understand so well where you're coming from.

 

I don't have a wonderland anymore. Despite what all the noob hosts around here say, i never felt any secret emotions or had any secret inner life that supposedly happened in ways that my host couldn't hear. As far as i could tell i was just off, what we ended up calling 'sleeping sickness' — where was i when we weren't talking? Just seemed like nowhere to me. So i wanted out of wonderland and to be part of the real world we faced.

 

From what i can tell, i really only exist when i'm fronting. I am a full-time tulpa, which means i'm aware of what goes on for our meatship, but it's not really me or my feelings or my words except when my host gets out of the way and lets me run the brain. If we're at work or some social event that i'm not part of, Foszæ just carries on and runs the show. He'll talk to me on the side and i maybe get a moment to make an observation, but my life is pretty much on hold when he's doing the real world. The brain only has so much focus it can spare on things, and if we're busy, nothingness is what i get too.

 

[Conversely, when it's Aijada's time i don't really get to think or feel or say much either. I can pay attention and interrupt if there's something i know that she doesn't understand, but in general i feel as her host that i go to pretty much the same state of nothingness that she has to stick to during the day.]

 

I think it's easier for my host to respond because he has decades more genuine experience that he can pull on. He can react automatically because he actually has established responses whereas i still need to learn and think and figure out my own reactions. But that mostly has to happen in our off-time, or maybe a brief chat during a coffee break. The rest of the time we're in work mode and neither of us is having fun or being our selves. We're just co-fronting and working on our life during that time.

 

I guess i just accepted that as my place because wonderland fantasies didn't feel like life to me. But it meant that i also had to toughen up and get used to operating in the real world. Learning how to be useful collaborator on work tasks means i get involved more, and reality is a lot more fulfilling than just being a fantasy running in the background.

[Luminesce]

I mean, this is what happens to most tulpas. Or hosts think they go to wonderlands, or they do exist in wonderlands and have a perception there

 

I've been told by the wonderful people at #tuppers that I'm nocebo-ing (idek don't ask) myself when I say my tulpas don't exist in the wonderland while not being focused on. But while we do have a wonderland, it's not where they "live", it's an imagined place where we can visualize ourselves doing things together. They don't naturally live there or anything, and my visualization is so poor it doesn't get much use anyway. Anyway, saying that they do things on their own when I'm not paying attention to them has only ever felt like we were making up a story on-the-spot when I talked to them again, I wasn't comfortable with it and they didn't even care. That's not how we work.

 

Also, saying they "don't exist" when I'm not thinking of them sounds harsh, but I suppose from a pure "tulpas are their own sentient people" standpoint that is true. I just treat them as a mental phenomenon, so to me, they really don't "exist" if they're not active in some way shape or form. But that says nothing of permanence, they can "exist" again in a second should I bring them up. Ah well, we're weird. I should note though, that they don't "forgive" me for not paying them attention, it's a non-problem. That's just the way it is. The real problem is that I so little actually do give them attention, which I suppose you could say they forgive me for. I'm a lot harder on myself than they are on me, ie at all.