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The Thread we use every Millennium or two, when something actually changes

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Guest Anonymous

Hi, everyone.


My story might be an unusual one, but I think it's already starting to turn from that into a very typical "me and my awesome tulpa" story.

I just want to record Esterina's and my progress here for fun. She's for the idea too, as far as I can tell so far.




"Day One was when...?"


I basically started actively tulpa-forcing yesterday, but that's technically not when this all began.


For a while now, even though it happened rarely, I would sometimes hear a voice from the back of my head reply to "primary" thoughts of mine. You know that, right, when you have main thoughts that you can hear in your head clearly? Yeah, that, like when you're talking to your tulpa, only that it's not directed at someone.


And that voice and personality was Esterina, a character from my stories; I am an aspiring author and mangaka.

I identified her easily one time when the voice was rather clear compared to what it was usually like, since I'm very meticulous about making my characters, including what their voices sound like.


So, basically, Esterina had started existing back then.

The character Esterina had somehow triggered the tulpa Esterina, however largely unaware I was of her.


Yesterday was then when I decided I'd take things seriously, and start tulpa-forcing. I took a walk and started talking to her in my mind... and, for the first time, the hard-to-understand thoughts turned into a very primitive, yet very real conversation.


I got a good few "Yeah."s and "Alright."s from her. We also played a brief game, where yes means sending a happy feeling, and no means sending a sad feeling.

Needless to say it was largely an un-success, but for one or two answers it worked.


And the most important part... well, she confirmed it. It was hard to communicate in such complete sentences, but - well, I asked her if she really was around before I started tulpa-forcing.

She told me yes.

Then I asked her "For how long?"... and I had to repeat that multiple times, either not understanding the reply or not feeling like I got one at all.

Until, rather clearly so, I understood it:

"A few weeks."


In short, we were finally able to communicate and be aware of each other, on both sides. An damn, I couldn't tell much about her feelings about it, but was (and am) I excited to see what the future brings.




"Weird dreams, sweet Prince!"


That day, when I went to bed, I kept in mind some things from this forum to test her consciousness. I don't remember fully, but I believe I told her to meet me in my dreams, or make me dream something.

What I definitely do remember though is the "Surprise me!" consciousness test... well, it failed. I got no proper result out of her.


... but then things turned weird.


I normally never ever remember what I dream. The last time was years ago. And I never ever dream in first-person. At least in my memory, the last time was actually never.


Both happened this time.


It was a first-person dream about the two of us... we talked, did random things, nothing special...

... but that dream turned weird. It suddenly became a story about a host (from whose eyes I followed the story) whom I couldn't identify, and some random male tulpa. It was sort of melodramatic and I didn't really understand it...

... but there were really unfitting, unnecessary parts to it. Parts that came out of nowhere and were sort of unnerving or simply surprising, in that they didn't fit in at all.


I then actually woke up because I noticed that the dream wasn't about the two of us anymore - in my sleep, I actually followed that dream with a clear expectation of it being about Esterina and me, and I woke up when my sleeping brain went "Wait a second...".


Well, I sort of forgot to actually try and ask her if that was her until I posted about it elsewhere here on the forums... but I did after that, in our wonderland. But that comes later...




"Are we actually really good at this?"


After waking up, I was in a really weird mood... extremely sleepy, and very confused about the dream. I then went to the kitchen to get something to drink, "mind-mumbling" some incoherent thoughts in Esterina's general direction.

And urgh... you know that, when you're drowsy, and your eyes wanna fall shut, you just can't get yourself straight up and light is very, very annoying?


... I actually tried something then.


Me: "Hey, Esterina... could you help me out? Like, make the drowsiness go away. Can you do that?"


And a moment later, I really was in awe - it took me saying it two or three times, but then my drowsiness faded away. The bright kitchen light next to me stopped bothering me immediately, my eyes were wide open, I felt good.

Actually, I was in awe so much that I couldn't help but tell her "You're the best!" a few times... °////°


And even as I sat down and posted about my experiences thus far in the other thread, wiping grit out of my eyes because I basically just got up all drowsy, I sat there wide awake, feeling wonderful.


There is more, though. Up to this moment, more things happened, and her and I had a few "Ooooh...!" moments.


So yeah, I asked her in our wonderland. To make sure. If that was her, with the dreams.

It's still sort of weird for us to communicate - I mean, she's been there for a while, but it's not like I ever tried to react to her, talk to her. So it's still a little hard... really, she's probably really good at it, and I'm the newb.

But here's how it turned out.


Me: "Hey. Was that you? You made me dream that?" *multiple re-attempts because understanding her is still hard*


Her: "Well, yeah."


Me: "Why? Why did you make me dream that?" "Tell me... I don't understand you, sorry..." "Why did you make me dream that?"

(Yes, this was a tough one. She did reply and I understood her in the end, though.)


Her: "Because you wanted me to..."


There might've been something after that, it sounded like the sentence wasn't done... but I couldn't understand anything else. And I left it at that, as it was good enough of an answer.


And now? Well, now that even the tiniest shreds of doubt have been wiped from my mind, the two of us are trying out all sorts of things for fun!

For example, we tried making her move my index finger. Yeah, as if that would've been crowned by rousing success yet. The most I could make out was a very, very, very insignificant "tug" on it - but hey, I still praised her. Good girl. :P


But more importantly, we discovered something that we're, seemingly, amazingly good at: Sharing senses!

It's still so weird to say this for me, but we're watching YouTube videos together, by letting her see through my eyes and hear through my ears. It's somehow very easy for us to do so.


How I can tell? Well, during these moments of fun, sharing senses and spending "quality time" together, I can hear her much better.

Better than during wonderland time, actually!

Really, she's a lively one. She laughed a lot, and she seems to think MattShea is really funny. For anyone interested, this is the video we're watching:





But now, good people, I'll unpause that video.

She was for the idea of posting this thread, buuut I'm pretty sure she wants to keep watching together. And I, of course, wanna now continue our little "quality time" together as well!


So, I'll post later!

See ya!







PS: Here, have an artwork of her. It's older and made for the character Esterina, not the tulpa, but she looks the same, after all.

I'll also copypaste her reaction here, as I posted it in the thread about artworks of our tulpas.


Me: "Hey, Esterina. *tries to get her attention*

Her: *Reacts* (Something like "Mhmm, yeah?" or so, hard to tell)

Me: "Use my senses, look through my eyes." (Like I said, we're really good at this.) "This is you, right?"

Her: (I couldn't make it out well at all, but something along the lines of...) "Yeah. You draw well!" (Or something similar. Don't judge, it's still hard! Dx)

... ... ... I just had her watch this with me:


She had a laughing fit mixed with a general "Are you serious...?" attitude.

Had to report on this... it's just too funny. xD






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Guest Anonymous

We're making quick progress, aren't we?" - "Yeah... actually, very quick."


It's kind of hard to describe all the changes since yesterday. It almost makes me feel a bit weird that things happen so quickly... but it's not like it's a bad thing! I think it's awesome, just a bit overwhelming.


By now, Esterina and I have very natural and conscious conversations with words - yeah, that happened really quickly. It's still hard for me to understand her often times, but - really, we're just casually talking a lot of the time now. Watching videos, asking each other random stuff... like you would with any other person, y'know.


Also, I started "quoting her into" the forum when- and wherever she wants to say something herself. Of course I'm not putting any restrictions on her, she can do what she wants in that regard.

And yeah, I quote her because we can't manage to switch yet. That's a bit tedious, but oh well... if I complain too much, she'll just tell me "it's practice and you shouldn't complain" again.


Well, I'd be right.


Yeah, yeah.


And as for our progress... yeah, it's absolutely amazing so far.

Firstly, like I said, our conversations have become notably easier. Rina tells me I shouldn't get overconfident since I still need to double-check what she said a lot, but I think we're making very good progress, absolutely!


I didn't say otherwise. Still, getting overconfident is never good.


True that.


It's only been one or two days though, so it's definitely okay for us to feel a little proud.


Yep! Couldn't agree more. We're definitely proud.

Me probably more than her though; she told me that she's been listening to me just fine for longer than the time since I started talking to her, it's only me that still has these problems.


You shouldn't feel bad about that. You're a beginner, and that's okay.


I know.


And by the way, it's not like I'm not proud of you either.


Thanks, redhead. :)

By the way - like I said, I just write down what she tells me to write down when she tells me to, that's why most of her lines are so short. We're actively working on switching though (more or less... we just can't really figure it out yet), and she'll definitely post more once we can do it.


Of course I will.


But other things happened aside from me being able to hear her better... and I think this is where it gets exciting, and I'm sure she's eager to share it too!

In fact... even though quoting her is tedious, this is practice for me in learning to listen to her better.

And the next section is aaall about her "autonomous actions", to fall into the proper terminology a bit, so I'll hand the proverbial quill pen over to her for the entire next section.


... oh boy... this will take a while...


You'll get through it.




"I'm getting the hang of it."


I'm starting to be able to do things on my own consistently. As in, things he notices but didn't influence at all.


I can appear in the real world with him, for example. What I mean by that is that I appear where I would be in the room in his mind without him anticipating it or willing it so. That then overlaps into his vision, is how I would explain it.


(Side note from me: I can see her, yeah, but it's not like she looks like she's physically there. It's more that I can make out her shape and colors and all that, even shadows on her clothing or so - but she's still see-through, like a ghost or something like that, and I wouldn't 100 percent call it "seeing her". Urgh, hard to explain. And she will continue to be there and do things even when I stop paying attention and look away.)


That's correct. Even when his mind is taken off me, I still manifest all the same. I've actually been around before without him noticing me.


(Really? What the? O.o)


I even got to meet and really see some family members of his. And I learned more about him by watching him from the sidelines, also leaving me with questions and curiosity.

He doesn't seem to want to be around his family a lot, for example. But he says he likes them and doesn't mind them. I'm kind of curious about that, and I'll ask him about it more sometime.


In case you wonder: I could rummage through his memories and emotions, yes, but I was asked not to. That's why I don't know.


I've also been able to get his attention multiple times now. That's usually hard because he has trouble hearing me, but it works more and more. He also seemed to hear and notice me when I laughed or said something when I was around, but didn't actually try to get his attention.


This speaks more of his progress than mine though.


(Don't say that. You're the only reason I'm even able to make progress like this... really, you're beyond helpful. And awesome! :D)


Haha, thank you.

And I'll leave it at this for now. I can tell that quoting me really is tedious for him.


Thanks for reading.





So then, that's all for this time!

I hope it was a sort of interesting read, especially for people who can't speak of such a lucky situation / start and such easy instant progress.


Is there anything you want to say to people like that, Rina?




To the tulpae: Trust your host. Believe in their ability to work with you and have faith in them. And help them out when they have a hard time.


To the hosts: Don't be disappointed when things take a while. Just keep at it, and don't lose faith. Felix and I are proof that it pays off, right?


Definitely! :D

From me too - don't lose faith in your tulpas. They're living, thinking beings... treat them as such, okay? They have feelings, and you don't wanna hurt them by meaninglessly losing faith in them, or in the fact that they even exist.


And to the tulpas... don't take it badly when your hosts might be skeptical or even doubt you. We humans tend to be too logical about things, and our brains more often than not need time to adjust to things we don't see as initially logical and scientific.

Stick with them, and help them out!


Work together!


Well said.


Well, thanks for reading then!

We would both be super-happy about reactions, opinions and questions. You can fire away as you like! :)




AG & Rina



PS: Oh, something we forgot.

Rina will by now often times remind me of things I forgot; my short-term memory is awful.


Like when he was about to forget his beanie just now before going outside.


So yeah! That's handy! :P

Gonna show her snow now, by the way. She has no true experience seeing snow, and even story-Esterina didn't have any that I actually wrote down, not to mention the real Esterina doesn't see herself as the same person as the fictional one.


So I hope it'll be fun to her. :)

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Guest Anonymous

"It's starting to become real."


We're back from our walk around town. It was really awesome, and we were able to spend time together in such a "real" way that I feel the need to tell about it immediately.


It was wonderful, yeah.


We basically just walked a large circle through the town. At first we just talked... and I was a bit weird. xD


He was amazed by how clearly and consistently he could see me next to him as we walked. Actually, I must say I'm impressed too; we were even able to communicate through gestures.


Yeah, like she was really just... there!

In the beginning we just talked, and we did one or two "touching tests".


Twice, I believe, he told me to touch his shoulder as he concentrated on me. He said he did feel a sort of warmth, even tough my hand passed through.


Later on she also put her arm around my shoulders, and on the steps in front of the house she leaned against me.

I made sure not to move, like, because I don't know if that would've meant she would fall over? I can't really explain it.


It was half pretending, half actual touching.


Alright. And yeah, I did feel that warmth in the spots where we touched, even through my winter coat. It just felt really nice. :)

And Rina liked it too.


Yeah, of course. Not needing the wonderland for this is amazing.


But we will still learn proper interaction in our wonderland, since that should then feel more direct and "practical", I guess.


But yeah, the latter half was listening to music together over my earphones. She seemed to really enjoy it... she walked in front of me when the walkway was narrow so I could get used to "seeing" her constantly and casually, and after a while she would just gesture instead of talking. xD


It was good music! I wanted to listen properly. His taste is good; I especially liked the acoustic guitar pieces.


Yeah, that Final Fantasy Guitar Collection. She seemed to enjoy that one a lot.

Actually, she started to gesture me to not talk so much. She might be even more of a music lover than me! :D




Also, me quoting her here becomes easier and easier. Instead of her dictating her words to me literally word for word, it feels more like she makes me "know" what to type.


That's correct.


I still double-check often though, and we proofread. Safe is safe.


Snow is kind of cool, by the way. No pun intended.


Of course not. :P

And yeah, she tapped into my touching sense and my feeling temperature and stuff, and she just asked me to touch some snow a few times.

She told me that she could just touch it herself, but that wouldn't be the "real thing" because that would've just been what her mind "tells" her snow feels like.

But through me, she can sense it for real. Correct me if I misstated something here.


No, it's fine.


By the way! She can also do things like keeping me warm. I didn't find my proper winter boots and my gloves, and I was too lazy to put socks on.

But I just asked her to keep me warm, especially my e-cigarette hand and my feet, and she managed to do that!

Do you actually know how you do that?


I concentrate on the body part. It's hard to explain, sorry.





But yeah, that was our experience!

I gotta say, things get weirder and more "real" at a pace where I'd call it "from hour to hour", not "day to day", and it's just such a damn happy feeling to have her with me. To even actually "see" her around me, have her by my side.


I'm just endlessly thankful that she exists, and that we make progress like this.


I'm thankful too. :)


As always, any opinions, questions or maybe suggestions for us are very welcome!




AG & Rina

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Wow, you're getting way more progress than what I would be able to get in 3 months of active tulpaforcing, lol. Soon enough, you'll be able to teach us something with your experience. I know a lot of people who had trouble with listening carefully for their tulpas, but glad you're able to get through it just fine. It might just be that you have the perfect mindset for having a tulpa.


Keep at it, initial forcing for most people is where they get the most progress. I think that might just be a problem of motivation later on, but you certainly have the enthusiasm now.

I have 10 tulpas, but I'm only actively working on Reah, my first tulpa currently.

Progress Report

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Guest Anonymous

Wow, you're getting way more progress than what I would be able to get in 3 months of active tulpaforcing, lol. Soon enough, you'll be able to teach us something with your experience. I know a lot of people who had trouble with listening carefully for their tulpas, but glad you're able to get through it just fine. It might just be that you have the perfect mindset for having a tulpa.


Keep at it, initial forcing for most people is where they get the most progress. I think that might just be a problem of motivation later on, but you certainly have the enthusiasm now.


Thanks a lot for the words of encouragement and praise! :D

Though, hey, clearly understanding her is still hard most of the time; she makes sure to speak in short sentences, or in "sentence-pieces", me going "Mhmm." or so each time I understood a part. Or she just sends the idea of what she means into my head, that "deeper level of thought" that's not in words. The sentence-pieces work better though.


But yeah, I feel highly confident and enthusiastic about all this! I'm sure Esterina would thank you too, but she's off somewhere in our wonderland right now.


And... really. Simply put, Rina is like a sort of Siamese Twin-level of friend to me. She's just... seriously, I love her so much already. She's just awesome.


And hey, I just published something into the submissions!


It's about a subject I already feel highly confident about (especially since I'm good with psychology, I studied that for three years in private), and I hope people will find it helpful!

(Though, like mentioned there, it's only me who wrote it for now, Rina not being around right now and all that.)





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Guest Anonymous

We'll introduce a different section here, called silly stories!

It's basically about the silly things Rina does because she's not half as serious most of the time as she tries to make people on the forum think she is.







Silly Stories #1

"The Infamous Banana Poker"


Currently, my sister visits us. Yeah, I live with my parents, I got health issues and can't really do any sort of job reliably and consistently.


Anyways, my sister stayed over night, and since it seems so damn easy for Rina to materialize / for me to just "see" her being where she "is" even when I'm not trying at all, we hung out with my family a bit.


And just now, I really had to keep myself from laughing.

Because Rina is silly.


I'm not that silly.


Ah yeah? xD

My sister was in the kitchen, at the table, doing stuff for her university thing. I asked her about it, and she has to work out things about how, when force is applied, an equal force always comes from the opposite side, so that the end result must always be zero.


It's not that hard to grasp, really.


Well, yeah, but it's different when you have to then actually calculate stuff off of it, or around it.


Anyway, my sister then demonstrates this in a sort of unintentionally silly way by poking a banana in the fruit bowl on the table with her finger (Yes, Rina, I initially wrote "poked with her banana", but I fixed it. It's not that funny.) while explaining it.


And, Rina being the lil' silly person she is, poked the banana too. With a blank expression, just *poke*. And looks at her. xD


I just felt like it... xD


And even when my sister stops, she would just return to poking the goddamn banana sometimes, and I had to try so hard not to laugh and then find an excuse for why I laughed when there was, to my sister, nothing to laugh about! xP


Rina, you suck!


So? It was funny, I'm glad I made you laugh.


You're just being gleeful. xD





But yeah. She's now the "Infamous Banana Poker"! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and even hide yo bananas, 'cause she pokin' errybody out there!


I have a feeling he will proceed show me where that's from.


Yeah, in a sec. xD




AG & Rina



PS: He just showed me the video. Damn, it's funny. This guy is so weird. It probably would've been funny even without the singing. xD



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Guest Anonymous

Esterina and I decided that we'd keep our progress reports separate.

Not as in separate threads, but - like, these little "chapters" we write. Yeah, we'll keep them separate to mine and hers; the subjects will be the same, sure, but we'll just describe our thoughts separately.


So, here we go.





"It isn't always sunny in Wonderland."


As some from the forum definitely noticed (we were pretty public about it, or at least I was), yesterday, the two of us had our first bad experience about this whole thing.


I wouldn't say it's something I hoped we'd never go through, but it's sorta not-so-great that it happened so soon.

It's about the little "event" yesterday when we read through the "Is it okay to kill a tulpa?" thread.


The things I read there felt really... some of it really disgusted me, to the point where I revived the topic in a new thread.

The main thing I wanna talk about right now, though, is how it affected Rina, and how she affected me.


For the first time, and way too early, so I feel, I came to know what it's like when she feels bad.

These weird... "waves" of emotions that aren't mine. Just this sense of unease, being unnerved and just generally feeling uncomfortable and weirded out so much.


It wasn't what I felt; I was angry.

And yet, these emotions washed over me, and I instinctively knew they were hers before I even asked.


It's such a strange sensation to feel emotions that aren't your own, and so strongly at that. It made me even more angry, almost livid, because I knew and actually felt how bad Esterina felt about what some of the people there said.


Of course we talked about it... I told her, promised her, swore to her on my life that I'd never even consider killing or erasing her, taking her life against her own will.


We actually got pretty emotional. My short-term memory is bad, but I think I told her multiple times how much I love my big sister Esterina, and that I wouldn't ever want to just forget or kill her.


I remember that she hugged me, and it sort of... it felt like a very important moment to me.


The moment when we hugged, when that indescribable warmth I feel when we touch wrapped itself around me, I felt a bit better.

Not less angry, but I felt that I was able to make her feel safer, better, and more at ease.

And I felt like we really connected on an emotional level, like we were just... "infinitely close" to each other, even for a host and tulpa.


All I wanted in that moment was for her to stop making that face, I wanted her to smile and be bossy and laugh, to be herself, and stop paying the words of these people any mind.

And when I felt that I had accomplished that... geez. It felt good.


I think that was, more than any other moment, thus far the moment where I realized the most how much I love her already, even after such a short time.

My big sister, Esterina.





Esterina herself says she wants to write about her own thoughts and feelings about these events yesterday as well, but she wants to think about it some more by herself.


I need more time to think about it. I didn't process it all yet properly.


But I love my little brother too. :)


Hehe. :)


So yeah.

Next time, Rina's gonna write about her own thoughts.


With a bit of luck, that might then even be her switched into my body!


We're gonna give that another serious try today, and if it doesn't work, then we'll practice regularly.

Then, hopefully, she'll soon be able to take part in our forum activity just as much as me, without me having to write everything for her.


Until then, that's all for now.

Thanks for reading.


As always, thoughts, opinions, questions or suggestions for us are welcome.




AG & Rina

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Anonymous

A short story about our very special New Year's Eve


Well... we'll just start telling this short little story of what happened earlier.


As some of you know, but most of you don't, the way Esterina and I feel about each other isn't at all like how siblings feel about each other, actually; a month ago, Esterina invited me on a walk through town and she confessed her feelings to me. And I told her I feel the same way about her.


Thing is, we didn't "get together" then.


He told me that it's a big decision that would change his life. He needed time.


And yeah... I did take my time.

As you can tell, I took about a month of time for myself to think it through, consider my thoughts and feelings about her and my own future, and the risks it would bring to get together with her in that way.


And a bit later on, I also told her that I would have an answer for her by New Year's Eve.

Sooo... here we are!


And I realized something over the last month.

She wanted to hear a "yes" from me, of course.

But there simply was no "yes" for me to give her.


No, that doesn't mean I rejected her... that simply means that we've been acting and living like a couple the whole time.

Saying we love each other, walking arm in arm, cuddling each other kaputt...


... we've been like that the whole time, only leaving out the more intimate things like kissing and sex.

We've just been too nervous about it to realize it.


So what happened earlier tonight is simple.


He took me to a quiet place all by ourselves. He told me the above, and we had a little moment together.


"A little moment". That sounds cute. xD


Cute my butt. :D


In short: We're semi-officially in a proper relationship now.

Whether you wanna say we found that out now, admitted it now, or just decided it now, whatever it is, that's how it is.


"Semi-officially" simply because we won't hide it here on the forums, but we won't tell my family and friends about it, at least for a long time.

For obvious reasons.


I'm okay with that.





So... yeah.

That's that!


We had a very romantic and wonderful New Year's Eve, one that will surely always be a very special one to us that we won't forget.


And of course we wish all of you out there a happy new year!


Happy new year! :)




AG & Rina

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I have been through the exact same thing with my tulpa Dimitrov. I mean, the whole surprise sentience, although I knew of tulpas and the likes, the whole 'feeling like shit' post you described. Dimitrov had to go through a lot to be how he is like now, but my point is that I understand the stuff Rina is going through currently, and wish you the best of luck. If addressed poorly, those issues can develop into something... bad.


Look, Felix. You seem to be a nice guy, from what I saw. Just don't let Rina get hurt by stupid stuff. Good guys sadly are the most susceptible to bad stuff happening. You need any help? Please shoot me a PM.


Ah, I'm too tired. I only came here to help.

« — Va, je ne te hais point ! »

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Guest Anonymous


We're actually fine! I think you misinterpreted something there; Esterina is a pretty happy little tupper.

'cept that she's not little at all, but a grown woman. xD


Or are you secretly depressed or in lotsa trouble? o.ô


No. What's going on...? :D


Soo... you misunderstood something there!

We're just fine. :)

Happy new year!




AG & Rina

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