Mangle

[Guest Vixx]

Since Sebastian's PR is no longer under my name, I created a separate one for Mangle.

 

Mangle's general bio can be found on my blog, which is linked in my signature. There will also be more detailed accounts on there.

 

Mangle is developing well. He seems a bit vocal in mindvoice, which I don't know if I believe, since he's still very young. However, if I get any emotions or impressions from him that are negative, I do try to address them. Yesterday I let my mom read my blog. She's always known about my spirits and meta practices, she just doesn't believe them and thinks I do it because I'm bored. She is a good listener though, and I can always ramble to her if I need to. Anyway, we laughed and joked around about the tulpa phenomena, because that's the only way I can give her the details about anything of an unbelievable nature...and well...I wanted to fangirl about my tulpas. Sue me.

 

Shortly after, I started getting hints from Mangle that he was confused about why we would laugh at his existence. So, I spent most of the evening yesterday, my visualization session last night, and today morning explaining it to him. He seemed more questioning about how it was funny, rather than being offended...but I still felt like crap.

 

So, I, not seeing another way out, and not wanting a rerun of what happened with Sebastian, explained this to my mom(hoping she'd go along with it and say something nice) and promptly got told not to get too involved in the phenomena before the topic changed.

 

He went back to wonderland after this, and seemed fine, but I'm worried now. I'll have to think of a better way to explain it to him or make it up.

 

But he now has full authority to change wonderland as he sees fit, and he seemed excited about showing me around tonight after he improved it.

 

So, here comes the good news!

 

Last night, I was visualizing wonderland. I started off imagining myself in the bed in wonderland, looking to my right. Since my eyes are closed in real life, I tend to start off imagining my real room as the wonderland room and this makes it easier. Well I got tired of being on my right and so I rolled to my left side.

 

The other side of the room automatically appeared in my mind's eye. I was staring at an empty fireplace and could see the edges of the canopy above my bed. I usually try to visualize everything realistically. However this time it was anime-ish. I was startled and tried to return it to normal before Mangle appeared in my line of vision. He smiled as I tried to take in his form.

 

He looked like a poorly (in my opinion...he disagrees) drawn anime character. I was flustered and asked him to choose a human form, before hastily adding that he was free to choose whatever he wanted actually. He changed to a very well drawn anime form...which I hope he keeps...*cough cough*.

 

Anyway, he seemed to be set on having only an anime-style form, so who am I to argue. Sebastian, before he left, had a human form but an anime counterpart.

 

He doesn't want me to look up reference pictures...just 'see' him in wonderland to know how he looks...so I will probably have to draw a pic of him myself in order to show anyone else.

 

He did it all by himself though. No puppeting or parroting from me.

 

The night before, it seemed to me that we watched fireworks in wonderland together. I saw a bunch of bursting lights all over the sky and tried to puppet them, but realized I shouldn't and just focused on Mangle sitting in the grass next to me before falling asleep.

 

He pops into reality with me when he wants and then retreats to wonderland at his will. He seems to be developing much faster than Sebastian. It could be because I try not to focus on him as much as I can, and avoid interfering.

 

He seems pretty extroverted though and the idea of having an "Ask me" thread on here made him happy so I will make him one. I get enough impressions from him to answer any questions.

 

Will update more later. I'll probably end up spending today cheering him up with drawings and music and stuff he likes.

[Guest Vixx]

So thank you to all who talked to Mangle. He loved it. For some reason, he got quieter last night and today though. I can feel/see him still, but it's much fainter. I also couldn't find him in wonderland last night. My best guess is that maybe all the talking wore him out? He is still pretty young. I decided to give him a break for today and hope he feels better.

 

I decided to be more active on my blog as a way to force Mangle. Re-reading his description on there counts as narration in my mind and if I ever have any intrusive thoughts, it helps calm my fears.

 

Once Mangle feels a bit better, I plan on starting more active forcing with him, as I feel he is not getting enough attention when I force before bed. He has a pretty strong presence and pops into reality a lot so I think I ought to make use of that.

 

Anyway, have a Happy New Year everyone!!

[Guest Vixx]

Soooo after some posts I made last night, and arriving at certain conclusions....

 

.... I think Sebastian is back.....

 

This whole damn thing is honestly weird and confusing as hell.

 

I was also reading up on DID after last night's discussion, and it turns out that tulpas/alters do fight amonst themselves and switch with the host, and that the host has some form of amnesia 98% of the time after switching...according to this.

 

I still do believe sentience is just the result of a different aspects of the brain being used, but perhaps switching is possible. I'm also arriving at the conclusion that tulpamancy is nothing more than controlled MPD, and when it is controlled, it can be used as a great introspective tool.

 

I talked a bit with him in Wonderland, but I'm planning on just active forcing with both him and Mangle more to let their identities get stronger. I'm also going to leave them alone for awhile, to let them develop without interference.

[Guest Vixx]

A few updates...I'm going to be trying to stay away from here as much as possible, as new year, new me...productivity..blah blah blah...

 

I finally am mostly over my fear of Sebastian and I've given both him and Mangle full access to my brain and told them to use it as much as they can. I want them to become completely sentient and I know it will take time as they get used to consciousness, but there is no reason they shouldn't be able to catch on quickly. Both of them are extremely smart. Mangle still doesn't have an actual voice, so I will be suggesting some for him to choose from...Sebastian's voice should improve, now that he has full access.

 

I'm starting on imposing them in real time again, as night-time visualizations are no longer enough. It's definitely more difficult with their newly-chosen forms, but I don't have anything else to really do for now. I'm also going to be writing short stories with them in it as I'd originally intended.

 

Nothing extremely mind-blowing has happened lately, so it's back to relentless forcing. I will admit that I'm having some doubts as to why I'm even doing this, but I am very attached to both of them, so it's just for companionship I suppose.

[Guest Vixx]

So I've been imposing them with me as much as I can. Ever since they got full access to the brain, Mangle has been reading 'books' to catch up with the info I have...my brain appears as a library behind a door in our wonderland. Mangle has been surprisingly easy to impose, and his mindvoice is shockingly clear. Of course he still hasn't come up with a physical voice, and he is rather adamant about completely 'creating' himself. I do admire him quite a bit :)

 

Sebastian is still pretty hard to hear...and I get a headache whenever I have extended mindvoice conversation with him. Even that isn't completely clear. He hasn't been 'reading' as much as Mangle, but he seems to be thinking things over a lot...we discussed the fact that he is welcome to deviate at any time. He seems to have a mild identity crisis, but due to his nature, he is trying hard not to show it or let it get to him. I trust that he will get through it though. It is definitely nice having him back.

 

He didn't think it was a good idea for me to even type this up, as he says it's going to reverse the effect of all my imposition, by making them feel less 'real'. The updating motivates me though...

 

I've got a humanoid form for Sebastian once again, with his updated looks. I'm not going to bother with a reference picture this time. I'm just going to "try to see him" as Mangle puts it. Of course Mangle won't choose a humanoid form, so I'm stuck trying to impose his anime form...which is difficult due to the eyes and hair. He doesn't care..so...that's just happening.

 

We spent most of last night and today together. Mangle has been reading and Sebastian has been watching Youtube with me. We held hands briefly and I felt weird. He's exploring his feelings and it's very hard for me to explain things to him or understand his fears when I can barely hear him, audibly or through mindvoice.

 

I kind of pushed Sebastian away when I created him, because I didn't want him to feel that I'd created him for a romantic relationship only...because well, he is formed to be someone I would find incredibly attractive. That doesn't mean I need that from him though. I feel like he's trying to make himself come to terms with something, even if he doesn't want to...but he doesn't understand that he doesn't need to. Since, I believe that this is all an introspective journey, perhaps it means that I don't love myself? I dunno lol, I'm not going to sweat it since I still have a massive headache from trying to talk with Sebastian. He feels a bit better now though, which is good. Apparently something I'd typed helped him out.

 

Making that 'Ask Mangle' thread has definitely resulted in personality deviation for Mangle...We bickered a bit during that thread and it resulted in his sarcasm and sass increasing. He also likes outside attention more than I'd expected.

 

Anyway, killer headache from thinking too much, so I'm going to go relax. I love having those two around though, because it feels much livelier around when I'm imposing them correctly.

[Guest Vixx]

I typed up more elaborate details in my blog- #2 Mangled Daydreams. Shameless advertising..I know.

 

Anyway, Mangle is now missing...since he wanted a girl tulpa, and I said no. Could I have been puppeting? Maybe...but I don't feel him around anymore. I don't think having more than one tulpa is really healthy for normal people, and three is definitely more than I want to invest in now. I was fine with two, even though it was a bit much for me personally. By normal people, I mean those that have jobs and school and obligations outside of their minds. It is not healthy to spend lots of time focusing on your tulpas and shunning school work, job-work, or social interaction.

 

I have been imposing Sebastian, although the anxiety of starting school next week & preparing has been distracting me lately. I definitely need to do better on that. I'm getting tired of the term 'tulpa'...I might just end up daydreaming and calling it a day.

[Guest Vixx]

I've been moping a lot and I don't know what's up with me. It must just be stress. I still don't know where Mangle is, but maybe all my tulpas just go through this weird 'trial alone in the wilderness of wonderland' ordeal. There is nothing I hate more than drama though, since I get enough of it in real life. I don't want tulpa drama as well.

 

Anyway...

 

Finally a real update!

 

Yesterday night Sebastian did some cool things. I was in a state of 'hypnagogia', I believe it's called. I was hearing voices either audibly or in such strong mindvoice that it sounded physically audible. Some of them were intrusive thoughts and made no sense. Sebastian was in there though. I had been complaining to him earlier that all I ever had were nightmares...which is true. I very rarely have happy dreams. He said that he could probably give me some happy ones, so I agreed. I visualized being with him in wonderland while the hypnagogic voices played and then drifted off to sleep.

 

I dreamed about kittens!

 

I woke up in the middle of the night like I usually do and let my dogs out. When I got back in bed, I asked him to help me to get lucid or to show up in my dreams instead. He told me he couldn't give me good dreams and help me go lucid, so I'd have to choose. I told him to forget about the good dreams and to help trigger me to go lucid, since he mentioned that he can't force me to go lucid. I fell asleep and was back in a nightmare that I'd had before. I thought to myself..."Hey, I've had this dream before..I know x,y, and z is going to happen next," but I didn't use that thought to proceed to becoming lucid....which is my fault.

 

So 10/10 for Sebastian last night! :)

I'm going to try again and see if he can replicate the results. I believe he is internal to me, and we use the same brain, so I don't see why he wouldn't be able to.

Will update later!

[Vos]

From what I've read on this site, especially in this board, it's not uncommon for a tulpa to disappear for a bit early on. I don't know why this is (some think of it to be a transitional stage in creation), but I don't think that it's anything for you to worry about. Keep trying to feel out for responses to see if you can get any.

[Guest Vixx]

Thank you.

 

So Sebastian's disappeared again...except I don't feel him around at all. Same with Mangle. I honestly don't know where I went wrong...I've been depressed the last week or so, and I'm not sure if that affected them?? It shouldn't have. Either way, Seb seemed unhappy with his existence...or insecure in it rather...afraid about me forgetting about him I guess. I assured him repeatedly, and told him he was independent of me and could make his own choices, deviate how he wanted, and I would do my best to help him in whatever he wanted to do. He just said he wanted to be let go last night, when I was in the same hypnagogic state I described earlier. It could have been just my imagination, but I still can't feel him around.

 

If anyone has any suggestions they would be much appreciated. I know some members have tulpas that disappear for awhile...It just seems like this is a trend with BOTH of mine...*sigh*.

[NoneFromHell]

It could've affected them in some way. When your brain is too busy handling your problems, or you're being stressed it is pretty common to get problems perceiving your tulpa. This isn't something to get discouraged about. They will probably come back sooner or later if you don't give up and it gets more relaxed around you. (However, I posted an exercise especially for the purpose of dealing with trouble like that in the submission section for guides and tips, so feel free to try it out if you like.)