Help dealing with anxiety and intrusive fears?

[BlueDot]

I've recently begun creating a tulpa (for about a week and a half) and I find that there's already been some issues in my own mentality.

I'm a sufferer of generalized anxiety disorder and extremely prone to panic. I worry about every little thing that could possibly seem to go wrong until I nearly work myself into a fit, and I'm also pretty susceptible to intrusive thoughts.

I didn't really know much of anything about tulpas until a month ago and I only looked in-depth around the time I started creating my tulpa. Funny enough though, I may have been subconsciously wanting something similar to a tulpa for months and may have even created a servitor based off of an OC purely for some company and emotional support, which then might have become the basis for my tulpa. Dot already seemed semi-conscious by day 2 and I feel like the very first planning process happened almost way too quick, but I just got really excited, something seemed to click, and I went with it.

Recently though, the excitement feeling is wearing off, I'm getting down to serious business, thinking ahead, and I'm putting all the time and energy I can into this, but along with that is coming a bunch of anxious thoughts.

Honestly, all I really want is to be the best I can for my tulpa, but these thoughts and fears keep coming in and if I can't work through them somehow, they might cause us some harm to our trust and communication we're trying to build.

I've run across downsides and horror stories across the internet, and while I'm taking note of some things/patterns and sort of moving on from them afterward, I can't help but to feel a little bit uneasy.

A lot of the thoughts come in with the worry that my tulpa might want to possess me to the point that some sort of balance is ruined and that it's hard for me to regain control. Another is that I might become too dependent on him for support and end up ruining the development of independency, and if I don't pay enough attention all of the time, he'll fade away. There's even a thought where if I ever try imposing, I'll start hallucinating all sorts of terrifying things. Heck, there's already been a time where I've actually worried that this is not what I really want even though I know I've been dead-set on this for months, even without realizing it at first.

Sometimes, I can control things using some mindfulness techniques and calm down enough, but the fears still crop up again and again, likely due to my illness. I've even told my tulpa to try and ignore the intrusive thoughts if they seem to get too excessive to deal with or don't really seem to have much reason behind them. I'm very afraid of all this negatively affecting him.

Does anyone else deal with a similar problem? If so, did you find your experiences/ any techniques to help with these fears? I just want to trust my tulpa and myself enough that we can form a good relationship with one another, and maybe even feel fine enough with some of the experiments mentioned.

[Lucilyn]

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-general-issues-with-anxiety?pid=176575#pid176575

 

And a quote from a deleted thread that Vos found for us:

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There's always a fine line when it comes to this subject that I can't quite pin down. Some peoples' tulpas change wildly at least early on, some stay exactly the same, most change a little bit over time or just once. But I know for absolute certain that most tulpas who change a ton are those of hosts who go in completely afraid to affect their tulpas in any way, and I honestly believe instead of giving their tulpas freedom they subject them to random fits of imagination. There's no problem with giving your tulpa a form and waiting until they're sentient to let them decide if they want to change.

 

That being said, my tulpas haven't changed at all since their original conception, by me, with really no choice of their own. They were the Touhou characters' forms, neither I nor them ever thought about them being something different. And they've had no problem at all with that in seven years. It's like asking somebody if they'd like to change the name they grew up with. Most of the time they're going to say no, because they've become attached to it. Sometimes though they'll say, well, I would change my middle name, or something like that. Small changes are pretty common for tulpas later on. Flandre generally speaking does not have the crystal wings anymore as they were a burden to imagine in the wonderland and imposition. She still identifies with pictures of her with them, though. My tulpas' "forms" have all grown a bit taller over time, too. But none of that was out of dissatisfaction, or even conscious desire on my part. They simply happened as they were easier or felt more natural. None of them ever had a problem with their forms, because they're just attached to them. Unless some part of it is a problem, like huge wings that get in the way all the time, there's not much reason to want to change.

 

And I'm pretty sure it's the host that influences that in a tulpa. Because most people go in with the mindset that they'll give their tulpa a form and it can make changes if it wants later, likely small ones. Some people basically say "Well I'll imagine you as a guy my age for now. But you can totally become a small female of a different ethnicity if you want...", and those are generally the tulpas that change the most. And of course, there's the hosts that just can't settle on a form and make a ball of light/shapeshifting tulpa, and we all know how that usually goes. I've met my share of lion fairy wisps.

 

But I didn't think any of that. My "tulpas" were just what they were, sentient imaginary friends based on Touhou characters. I never thought at all about them changing, because why would I have? Why would Flandre ever not look like Flandre, or change her name? It wasn't that I restricted my tulpas from ever changing.. Change just never occurred to me as an option. And thus, they never wanted to. I've asked them about it recently and even Tewi, whose form arguably fits her the least, says she's attached to it. Even though she could be taken more seriously with a different appearance, she keeps the bunny ears and pink dress, because that's part of who she is. In her own words, too.

 

So I think you should go with whatever you're most comfortable with. Don't be afraid of "accidentally forcing your tulpa to be something they don't want to", because that can't happen. If you really like the idea of a certain form, then go ahead and use it. Chances are if you like it and are comfortable with it, your tulpa won't feel like changing it either. Small adjustments later on generally seems to be the most common practice, and I think that makes the tulpa and host happiest. Because I honestly feel like some people have let their imagination change their tulpa from something reasonable into something ridiculous, and then kept that form because they were afraid to "force their tulpa" to be something they didn't want to be. And those tulpas usually couldn't even talk yet...

 

 

In case my talk about how my tulpas never thought about changing themselves bugged any of you, I should mention that I created them many years before discovering tulpas. Heck, I created them before tulpas were a thing, online anyway. But I did keep that in mind when I created my fourth tulpa years later, Lucilyn. Whose form was based on the Touhou character Suwako. Except I gave her creative freedom with everything about herself, and gave her my own name like I would a child. She still opted to keep the form I gave her because I liked it and she liked what I saw in the character for herself. She's changed the colors of her clothes and seems to like how she looks without the hat too, so I see her with it maybe 50% of the time. But given that, I think that my comfortableness with my tulpas' forms, combined with the positive traits I tend to see in them that inspired making a tulpa in the first place, generally leads them to be comfortable with their given forms. They just don't see reason to change when they understand why I like how they are and agree. However, now that I think about it, this may not be the case for all systems. My tulpas, even seven years ago, have always been completely borderless with my mind and theirs. We understand every single feeling and thought another has because of that. For systems where this isn't the case and minds and feelings are more separate, it's possible a tulpa may be less inclined to keep a form their host likes as the tulpa doesn't experience the same feelings the host does on it. So...

 

Basically, give'em a form you like, force them until they're relatively sentient/vocal, and then ask if they'd like to be different. Can't go wrong like that.

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[Fairweather]

If you are worried on balance, talk with them about it. Say how you would like them to not do things like possessing you without consent and such. Trust me on this.

[tulpa001]

I've run across downsides and horror stories across the internet, and while I'm taking note of some things/patterns and sort of moving on from them afterward, I can't help but to feel a little bit uneasy.

I do not think creepypastas are reliable sources of information.

 

A lot of the thoughts come in with the worry that my tulpa might want to possess me to the point that some sort of balance is ruined and that it's hard for me to regain control.

Won't happen. The worst you will possibly go through is a day of dizzyness after many months of possession.

 

Another is that I might become too dependent on him for support and end up ruining the development of independency,

Independence of the mind will be aided by this, although it will be unpleasant for the tulpa.

 

and if I don't pay enough attention all of the time, he'll fade away.

Can you beat five minutes a day?

 

There's even a thought where if I ever try imposing, I'll start hallucinating all sorts of terrifying things.

Imposing helps you control these sorts of things. Reverse of what you expect.

 

Heck, there's already been a time where I've actually worried that this is not what I really want even though I know I've been dead-set on this for months, even without realizing it at first.

Yep. It's true.

 

Seriously, that is what is known as a WTF am I doing moment. You can get these moments in many carreers hobbies and life choices.

 

I'm very afraid of all this negatively affecting him.

Your tulpa won't be worse off than you. Your tulpa also has you. You had no one. At least no one in your head. How did all this negativity affect you?

[BlueDot]

I do not think creepypastas are reliable sources of information.

 

Won't happen. The worst you will possibly go through is a day of dizzyness after many months of possession.

 

Independence of the mind will be aided by this, although it will be unpleasant for the tulpa.

 

Can you beat five minutes a day?

 

Imposing helps you control these sorts of things. Reverse of what you expect.

 

Yep. It's true.

 

Seriously, that is what is known as a WTF am I doing moment. You can get these moments in many carreers hobbies and life choices.

 

Your tulpa won't be worse off than you. Your tulpa also has you. You had no one. At least no one in your head. How did all this negativity affect you?

I really appreciate the response. I've been trying to do research and whatnot, but since I'm so new to this and haven't experienced a lot of things for myself yet, it's a little hard to sort fact from crap (I haven't read many creepypastas, but rather a few personal accounts. Might have been fake, but who really knows.). I sorta knew that my worries weren't really based on a lot of logic, but I guess I have a lot more control over this than I thought.