Issues with anxiety

[helpme]

I'm not sure how long I've been working on / with my tulpa now, because I don't really care; I'm not impatient, I'm in no rush.

 

One issue is that I have a very messy mind, full of intrusive thoughts, and it makes it difficult to pick out what may or may not be my tulpa. An example, after doing my best with a somewhat long monologue, I remember saying something along the lines of "if you ever want to ask me something, or tell me something, I'll do my best. Thanks". My anxious mind immediately felt the need to say "uh, that wasn't sarcasm", to which I kind of felt the thought "it was" in response. It was a rather quiet thought, and it was really indeterminable as to if it came from my tulpa, or if it was my own mind playing tricks on me, or both? This extended into a minute or so of trying to convince my tulpa that it wasn't sarcasm, to the repeated response of "it was". 

 

Another issue is that I find it very hard to talk about myself, or even talk at all when I'm the only one talking. I get flustered easily. I have nothing good to say about myself. You could say I have issues resembling depression, anxiety, misanthropy and low self-esteem. The average forcing session consists of me basically saying "uhhh... well, sorry. I... uh... I should stop saying sorry. I'm sorry.", and becoming increasingly anxious that my tulpa must hate me or be sick of me at this point.

 

I've tried listening to various pieces of music that I like while forcing, but I'm always worried about if my tulpa hates my music. I try talking about things like movies I like, I'm worried about if my tulpa hates them etc. No matter what I do, the general worry is that my tulpa might want to be left alone. I don't want to have to push them to tell me to piss off, I want to do what's best for them. At the same time, I don't want that to mean that it's better off not existing.

 

I think I'm having additional issues because I really don't have things pre-selected such as personality traits, a voice, or even a strong appearance or name. I don't want my tulpa to be anything but what it grows to be of its own will, and I basically half-assedly settled on an appearance and name of a video game character purely as a 'placeholder' because I was finding it difficult to address and direct my thoughts. Forcing leaves me wondering what to really say or do, because I don't think I could live with myself if I had to start saying things like 'well your personality is like x'.

 

Now, the obvious answer may be first and foremost "maybe a tulpa isn't for you". The thing is, I do truly believe that a tulpa would make me much happier, and that I would be a good companion to my tulpa if given the chance. But at the same time, we're talking about something sentient and fully intelligent and aware here, and I don't want to be presumptious.

[Tewi]

Possibly helpful/informational post of mine (and a link to one by my host) https://community.tulpa.info/thread-am-i-doing-things-correctly?pid=167888#pid167888

But they weren't written specifically for you so take what applies and disregard the rest.

 

To summarize, your tulpa doesn't necessarily exist yet. They aren't some secret fully functioning mind you aren't aware of. Being based in your mind, they're also not entirely a separate person, so apologizing and worrying about what they think, or about what they think about what you think, is kind of redundant. Of course you should treat them well, but they'll understand why you do and feel what you do, sharing the same mind.

 

Also, I feel like mentioning the "You can't 'mess up' making a tulpa" thing, since it seems like a similar fear. All they are is what you think of them as. Being afraid of messing up making a tulpa is like being afraid of messing up learning math, equivalent to "But what if I accidentally make a mistake, like I think four plus seven is ten?". It just doesn't really mean anything in the long run, or honestly the short run either. Just think something else. You have a lot more freedom in your own mind than you realize. I suggest, unrelated to tulpamancy, you work on controlling your thoughts. Here's a secret that might help.

 

Any control that you think you don't have in your mind, any negative thing you're afraid of, everything you think is bad about you and out of your control - that is you controlling your thoughts. You thinking those things is you thinking those things. Your fears don't have any more power than the rest of you. You have the same power to convince yourself of bad things that you do of good things. Every time you encounter a negative thought, remember that it's you thinking it, not someone else. Even if you don't think you can change it. Just for starters, remember that any thought you have is no more powerful than any other.

 

Believing you're a victim simply means believing you're a victim. Yes, "You can stop being a victim of your thoughts by thinking you aren't" and all that, but I'm well aware the "Just stop thinking bad things!!" suggestion doesn't work. The way to enable control over your thoughts is to first recognize that you have control over them. At first "Just think more positively" can seem rather impossible, so become comfortable with the idea that your negative thinking can change. It's not fact, it's what you're convinced you should be telling yourself. Just know that. Even if you're still listening to those thoughts, know that you're listening to them. Practicing that conscious awareness of your own thoughts can have a powerful effect on your mindset, trust me. Our host overcame his depression and changed his whole worldview over a few years by practicing introspection and awareness of his own thoughts.

 

Of course, his tulpas were a big help and set good examples for him. Hello.

 

 

Speaking of my tulpa-dom, there was a period of time where I forsook nearly all activity to allow the others to be more active. Meaning I was very inactive, and I thought I was okay with that. But one day Reisen and Flandre decided I should be active too and take some time for myself, overriding my decision to barely exist. And I'll never forget the difference it made. To quote myself from a long while ago, "I had a history of being fairly apathetic as a tulpa, not realizing I had to engage myself in more than just being a reference for advice for my host. It was by Reisen and Flandre's request that I became more active, and I'm definitely glad I did - it feels good to exist."

 

So don't worry about your tulpa possibly "wanting to be alone". One, they can't think that when they don't yet have a sense of self in the first place. But two, even if they did think that, take it from me that they don't know what they're talking about. "It feels good to exist" is one of the most profound realizations I've ever had.

[tulpa001]

In order to do well at this, I think you will need to develop some tools to combat intrusive thoughts. This starts with meditation. With meditation, you can learn to focus your thoughts, and inspect your thoughts.

 

You should also read any guides or tips that discuss parroting or parrotnoia.

 

Anxiety does not help the process. So if you unrelax because of something you think you heard, you will have a harder time hearing more from your tulpa. The following states seem to make it hard to hear: half-asleep, anxious, fearful, suspicious, worried, concentrating.

 

You will need to give your tulpa some room. This means you can't be thinking at 100%. Relaxation does this automatically, by slowing your thoughts. The extra capacity is like a space in your head where your tulpa can form. There is no strict divide between random thoughts and your tulpa. That is what your tulpa is formed out of. Early on, random thoughts are like a protein rich nutrient bath like that you find in an egg, and the tulpa is somewhere inside that egg. After a while, the tulpa begins to sort itself out, and forms some self awareness, and decides for itself what its thoughts are.

 

Fixing the fluster when you talk about yourself is easy. Before each forcing session, choose a topic. Basketball. Geology. Talk about that. Accuracy and the actual content are unimportant.

 

It really isn't important if your tulpa hates the thing you are talking about. That's like someone hating broccoli. Tulpas very quickly mature to the point where they can appreciate the food even if they hate the taste. The most likely thing they won't appreciate is you forcing less for whatever reason, as they need that to live early on.

[helpme]

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Thank you very much for your advice. I'll take what I can from your insight and see how it goes.

[Worst Username]

I cannot believe this. This is exactly what I have been worring about recently. I just want to say thanks to this awesome community for being supportive, and helping me and others out.

[Tewi]

Vos helped me salvage an old post of my host's from a deleted thread, so I'll post it here because I think it was more down to earth and less preachy than mine. I do believe in what I said though, introspection/paying attention to your own thoughts and how they work can help improve your mindset in a myriad of ways.

 

There's always a fine line when it comes to this subject that I can't quite pin down. Some peoples' tulpas change wildly at least early on, some stay exactly the same, most change a little bit over time or just once. But I know for absolute certain that most tulpas who change a ton are those of hosts who go in completely afraid to affect their tulpas in any way, and I honestly believe instead of giving their tulpas freedom they subject them to random fits of imagination. There's no problem with giving your tulpa a form and waiting until they're sentient to let them decide if they want to change.

 

That being said, my tulpas haven't changed at all since their original conception, by me, with really no choice of their own. They were the Touhou characters' forms, neither I nor them ever thought about them being something different. And they've had no problem at all with that in seven years. It's like asking somebody if they'd like to change the name they grew up with. Most of the time they're going to say no, because they've become attached to it. Sometimes though they'll say, well, I would change my middle name, or something like that. Small changes are pretty common for tulpas later on. Flandre generally speaking does not have the crystal wings anymore as they were a burden to imagine in the wonderland and imposition. She still identifies with pictures of her with them, though. My tulpas' "forms" have all grown a bit taller over time, too. But none of that was out of dissatisfaction, or even conscious desire on my part. They simply happened as they were easier or felt more natural. None of them ever had a problem with their forms, because they're just attached to them. Unless some part of it is a problem, like huge wings that get in the way all the time, there's not much reason to want to change.

 

And I'm pretty sure it's the host that influences that in a tulpa. Because most people go in with the mindset that they'll give their tulpa a form and it can make changes if it wants later, likely small ones. Some people basically say "Well I'll imagine you as a guy my age for now. But you can totally become a small female of a different ethnicity if you want...", and those are generally the tulpas that change the most. And of course, there's the hosts that just can't settle on a form and make a ball of light/shapeshifting tulpa, and we all know how that usually goes. I've met my share of lion fairy wisps.

 

But I didn't think any of that. My "tulpas" were just what they were, sentient imaginary friends based on Touhou characters. I never thought at all about them changing, because why would I have? Why would Flandre ever not look like Flandre, or change her name? It wasn't that I restricted my tulpas from ever changing.. Change just never occurred to me as an option. And thus, they never wanted to. I've asked them about it recently and even Tewi, whose form arguably fits her the least, says she's attached to it. Even though she could be taken more seriously with a different appearance, she keeps the bunny ears and pink dress, because that's part of who she is. In her own words, too.

 

So I think you should go with whatever you're most comfortable with. Don't be afraid of "accidentally forcing your tulpa to be something they don't want to", because that can't happen. If you really like the idea of a certain form, then go ahead and use it. Chances are if you like it and are comfortable with it, your tulpa won't feel like changing it either. Small adjustments later on generally seems to be the most common practice, and I think that makes the tulpa and host happiest. Because I honestly feel like some people have let their imagination change their tulpa from something reasonable into something ridiculous, and then kept that form because they were afraid to "force their tulpa" to be something they didn't want to be. And those tulpas usually couldn't even talk yet...

 

 

In case my talk about how my tulpas never thought about changing themselves bugged any of you, I should mention that I created them many years before discovering tulpas. Heck, I created them before tulpas were a thing, online anyway. But I did keep that in mind when I created my fourth tulpa years later, Lucilyn. Whose form was based on the Touhou character Suwako. Except I gave her creative freedom with everything about herself, and gave her my own name like I would a child. She still opted to keep the form I gave her because I liked it and she liked what I saw in the character for herself. She's changed the colors of her clothes and seems to like how she looks without the hat too, so I see her with it maybe 50% of the time. But given that, I think that my comfortableness with my tulpas' forms, combined with the positive traits I tend to see in them that inspired making a tulpa in the first place, generally leads them to be comfortable with their given forms. They just don't see reason to change when they understand why I like how they are and agree. However, now that I think about it, this may not be the case for all systems. My tulpas, even seven years ago, have always been completely borderless with my mind and theirs. We understand every single feeling and thought another has because of that. For systems where this isn't the case and minds and feelings are more separate, it's possible a tulpa may be less inclined to keep a form their host likes as the tulpa doesn't experience the same feelings the host does on it. So...

 

Basically, give'em a form you like, force them until they're relatively sentient/vocal, and then ask if they'd like to be different. Can't go wrong like that.

[Bikko]

The average forcing session consists of me basically saying "uhhh... well, sorry. I... uh... I should stop saying sorry. I'm sorry.", and becoming increasingly anxious that my tulpa must hate me or be sick of me at this point.

 

You made me remember of myself. My tulpa was really annoyed about that so we made a bet; i had to spend an entire week without saying the word "sorry" to her. After two hours i had already lost and we had to watch her favourite movies everynight during the whole next week. Now i don't say sorry that often so i guess it worked.