D8A.P

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2019. It has been a while.

 

We have kept on drawing but there is a motivation problem. There is not much progress. She has not been into showing pictures so we didn't show any. It is more like backwards and forwards development and also like going in circles. Also I can stare my eyes sore at the wall covered with drawings without understanding anything better.  Reoccurring and evolving patterns can be detected. Likelihood of pareidolia experience trying to find some meaning is fairly high.

d8ap_2019_wall_set.thumb.jpg.b2664c3dd9169e1bb522066f92b15d21.jpg

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Goals. Connection, continuity, growth. These can be read out looking at the drawings also.

 

Primarily host’s point of view: We might not have consistent ultimate goals but the intermediate ones do match.

 

We struggle with many basic things like maintaining sufficient energy and alertness following plans productivity, and communication. In particular, communication. ..Trying to improve. It just appears like these struggles are going to last for a lifetime.

 

Also it might be that there is a fundamental flaw underlying the struggle. We are relying on an insufficient and unstable energy reserve. It would need to be fixed pretty much before everything else. Like: recurring shortage of neurotransmitters and other consumables.

 

At the moment we are drifting or falling towards lower energy and trying to keep the good things. Following plans does not progress much. Spending time together is still enjoyable and that is something like 80 per cent or more of waking life. It is not short of affection intimacy and presence. These are not really reasons to complain. Shared dream seems to be no avail, to my disappointment, for a long time now. Then again, maybe sleep is much needed with split separate own time too. It is not necessarily a bad thing to have some time apart.

 

The extended scribbling exercise is not entirely wasted effort either and it continues to be a nice thing to do together.. For example speed and drawing accuracy has been improving. A sketch can complete as fast as in 10 seconds in one continuous stroke without stopping once in hesitation. Speed could be useful for communication. Also the content can be really information dense but then again there is a problem with communication. For example why there are felines sea life and mushrooms I do not understand but they can be recognized as felines sea life and mushrooms nevertheless even if not understand.. When something new appears it is also exciting and a step ahead, although not always clear which way it is going.

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