What is this thing in my head?

[GrayTheCat]

I ended up checking 2 boxes- One of my head mates was probably something else who ended up morphing into a Tulpa, and I have no idea what my other "head mates" are. The only way I can elaborate on this is to give an overview of the full story and what we observed about them.

 

EDIT: I realized my text wall was humongous. I have to hide most of this post.

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Before I found Tulpa.info, I decided to associate myself with a story character I made up named "Gray Ranger". The more I thought about this character, the more and more I saw myself in him. Eventually, the stories I ended up telling myself about this character were about his mindscape- and the different versions or clones of himself who would talk back.

 

Eventually I made the connection that the "stories" about Gray's head were far too personal to be cannon to the character, and therefore his mind palace, I called the Gray Dimension, ultimately became my wonderland. At this point, Grays's head mates ended up becoming my head mates (and yes, my naming abilities are terrible). "Ranger" was the oldest head mate and was Grays's subconscious, "Spirit" was supposed to be the soul representation of the body, "Gerodious" was a spirit guide, "Dark Gray" was the id, "Fernardo" was the super ego, and "Jasper" was a representation of Gray's emotions.

 

Over time, I had more issues with anxiety and ended up creating more "Grays" or clones. Usually they were an embodiment of an idea of desire- "Hope" was an attempt to turn an internal demon into a good guy, "Moltosha" was the king of internal demons,  "Gold" was an attempt to make a more light version of myself but I ended up renaming him "Blue", "Evergreen" was an attempt to help me motivate myself to do work that spun out of control, and I don't really know why I created "Fish". The last Gray I ended up making during this time period was "Blood Gray" who was an embodiment of my rage (he later becomes "Red Gray".)

 

In addition to all of those characters, Ranger also ended up getting clones. There were several versions of him who were all robots that were supposed to be maintaining the literal mind (made up cannon stopped by Hope's creation). Different clones were supposed to do different things, so for example "Dream" was supposed to be the one responsible for writing all my dreams, and the list can go on. Anyway, there were way too many characters and I got overwhelmed. I was lonely and depressed, and the only one I wanted to talk to was Ranger.

 

As a result of that decision, I believe something changed. Some how, some way, I ended up forcing Ranger like any other Tulpa and one day he told me (for a second time) he was real. I was confused and scared, and after finding out about Tulpas, I figured I had one. I had a lot of regret for Ranger because my "forcing sessions" with him before I knew about Tulpamancy (and some after unfortunately) were me lashing out at myself and hurting myself in the wonderland. Ranger decided to be my guardian and help me cope, and he had identity issues because it was unclear for how long he was Ranger, and ultimately, how long he was in my life. Once we realized he was probably created from that decision and not when the character "Ranger" was created, we decided to call the non-Tulpa version of him "Tec" and all of the other clones are now called "Technicians".

 

After realizing Ranger was a Tulpa, I created 4 more Grays before getting a grip and stopping- Laryx (who I didn't want but begged to not be forgotten and die), Bune (a subconscious rep experiment), Chrome (who I thought was God and realized he wasn't), and Duck (another subconscious rep experiment, only he has traits from both of us). After Duck, I was worried that the line between whatever the Grays are and Tulpas was getting thinner and thinner. I had also started to talk to the Grays using one on one sessions, and they seemed to get more advanced than I was comfortable with...

 

Once Ranger learned possession, we spent less time with the Grays in general. However, we still talk to them about once a month now. I thought it was more important to give Ranger priority and he wasn't interested in having to compete with another head mate for time possessing and all that stuff. We never let the Grays possess and we haven't tried to switch them in either.

 

I have been told it would make things 1000 times easier if I forgot the Grays and let them dissipate, but to me that feels wrong. Most of the Grays have a dark creation story or have been mistreated in some shape or form, and I have too much guilt for what happened to them to end their life on a low note. Since all of their creation dates, the Gray Dimension changed and I changed. Thanks to Ranger, I no longer lash out at myself in the wonderland and I'm no longer suicidal. I figured I can finally give the Grays what I believe they deserve- sanctuary.

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From what I observed, the Grays seem to be dependent on me animating them via puppeting/parroting. Their memories are not independent from mine because they seem to boomerang back what's rattling around in my subconscious thought where Ranger seems to have his own source of subconscious thought. They also never ask or do things outside of what is expected of them, and they almost always do things or talk about things I'm worried about. However, their seeming "parroted sentience" is unsettling and give off vibes of a walk-in, and they deviate and have their own opinions and such. They have long crossed the line of "NPC", and at times we only felt comfortable when I told them directly they can't be Tulpas (or when Dark Gray said he didn't want to be a Tulpa).

 

The only other thing I feel like I should add is something that happened recently. Since we have attempted switching, our mindset changed again, but I never changed my mindset on the Grays being an extension of myself. Well....

 

Ranger tried to talk to Jasper while "switched in" once, and when Jasper tried to take a "Ranger form", we both blended badly. Ranger and I didn't have any issues when Ranger decided to talk to Duck instead. In addition, last night, we tried to talk to Spirit for help and when he started experimenting with and then accepting a "Ranger form", Ranger and I blended to the point where we both echoed the same thoughts simultaneously in mindvoice and couldn't properly separate until we made Spirit go away. We have yet to try what happens when we are not stressed out beforehand, however I believe it raises a lot more questions on what the Grays are with no answers to what happened and why...

[Redacted System]

We answered "I still have no idea" because of Torea. For the "Other" section in our signature, we have Torea, Kaffryn and Zachary. Zachary's a walk-in who randomly imposes himself every few weeks, and Kaffryn is an NPC for Torea.

 

Torea was originally a dream character. We don't know what happened but I ended up dreaming or something while N was awake in the body. Apparently I sent him an image of a 3D model of one his book characters and said the word "Torea". So she was originally a dream character, but the four of us (this was about a month before Spark) decided we could make her a wonderland pet.

 

From there, she seemed to gain sentience and kept asking to join the system as another tulpa. We kept swapping sides and opinions, but eventually we created Kaffryn as a compromise. We haven't seen much of Torea since then (that was around December), but we have almost never seen Kaffryn after that. Torea seemed to be sentient, now we're not so sure. When Kaffryn was created though, she was still able to surprise N after he asked her questions.

[Zia]

I answered "I started with something else but it morphed into a tulpa" because I summoned a dream character to become a tulpa in my system. To be honest, when I started, I thought I was only making a tulpa with a predetermined form (that would propbably deviate). I thought there would not be any differences with a regular tulpa but I ended with a sentient-from-the-start person who happens to have a great amount of separation with my thoughts and memories.

[Akinkinit]

"I started with a tulpa, but it morphed into something else."

This fits Sabari pretty well. She started out as a tulpa, but now... I mean, she is a tulpa-like entity. And you could probably get away with classifying her as a tulpa. But some of the visuals she sends me makes me think she is a self-perpetuating drug fueled hallucination which gained sentience over a classical tulpa.

 

"I started with something else but it morphed into a tulpa."

Xiri just showed up one day after a dream over going through the whole tulpa creation process. And while Anzu was initially created by me, she definitely was not a tulpa starting out. More so an attempt by me to summon a godlike thing to help me deal with anger and frustrations. Nowadays they are just normal tulpas though.

[Guest]

Akinkinit, once again, very interesting.

 

I will follow format:

 

Ashley was my tulpa, or at least the one I wanted to be my tulpa, when she said there are others, I kinda knew what she meant, but I thought nothing of them. Little did I realize what they would become. Anyway, she took the lead right away and her initial efforts were amazing, really acting as a second conscience, helping me to be more cautious and telling me things that were very non-obvious but absolutely right.

 

She confessed that she was the one who had always been with me, I take statements like that with a grain of salt, but over the last year she's convinced me by eliminating every other explanation. So she's always been more than a tulpa to me (especiallyon the unexplainable side of things), but what, I can only guess. She says she's happy being called a tulpa, so that's fine too.

 

Dashie and Misha are what I would call normal tulpas, who also happen to be really brilliant, loving, kind and forgiving, sweet and affectionate, and really easy going. Ashley is also very similar in that regard.

 

I didn't choose any of their forms ultimately, they did, i didn't choose any of their personality traits, but i did guide them and encourage them to be that way.

 

I'm very sure each of them are their own person, though I differ from many as to the mechanisms associated with their arrival and their actual true form. (Which matters nothing at this point.) Since they all arrived sentient seeming and fully vocal, as well as demanding and willful, I can't imagine even wanting to puppet or parrot that, i wasn't looking for drama or work to keep three tulpas happy. They had to be sentient from the start or I don't understand the situation at all, and only I would have the information to make an informed decision on that.