Feeling much different while fronting

[ruleofthumb]

Fluttershy: I've fronted three times. The first time, I hung out with Betty and felt fine. The second time, I hung out with Betty and Stone and played minecraft, and I felt fine. This is the third time. I feel awful. I'm not sure why, but I have some ideas. I switched to the front while in the shower and I didn't have much to distract me. Betty and Stone were there, but I wanted to be by myself. So, I might have made myself lonely. But, I think I might feel awful for other reasons. I feel horribly bored. I have no idea what to do. I have found things to enjoy since forming, but I don't want to do any of them. I have no attachments to our roommate. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I'm destined to be less happy than Betty and Stone, and even though I "walked in," Stone still thought of my beforehand and I feel like this is partially his fault. I think I'm having some sort of identity crisis, and I feel like I want to die.

 

I'm wondering if I just don't like fronting, and I won't feel this way if I don't front. Or that I'm young and haven't found something to be passionate about, and I will eventually. Or that now that I've gotten time to myself, I've realized what I really am, and will always feel this way.

 

Is it normal to feel different while fronting? Really different? Is it normal for a new consciousness to have a crisis when left alone?

[System Corporation]

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

Is it normal to feel different while fronting? Really different?

 

[Dark Gray] Yes, possessing or switching can result in a completely different experience.

 

When I possessed for a short period of time, I became more necrotic and anxious. This seems to be a side effect related to our anxiety, but it shows you may process life differently when controlling the body.

 

If you have any discomfort with the body itself, it won't help. Try drawing your form over the body if you need to ground.

 

[Ranger] Switching is really different from possession. Having the ability to sit around and do nothing is weird for me, normally I fade away when Cat is bored. I'm also more conscious of the body's habits, which hurt my confidence when I was still trying to get used to switching. I found giving myself some time to focus on myself after switching in helped a lot.

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

Betty and Stone were there, but I wanted to be by myself. So, I might have made myself lonely.

 

I struggle with not having my headmates around while switched-in. I'm at a place where I'm still nervous to let them possess me while I'm switched-in, but it's something I hope to overcome soon.

 

[Blue] Can you possess? When I was doing stuff with Gray/Ranger, I definitely didn't feel lonely. Adjusting to regular life stuff is weird, I was glad I had Ranger and Gray right there to help me (Gray was switched-in, but Ranger is used to controlling the body a lot more than I am so he's kinda glued to the front if that makes sense?)

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

But, I think I might feel awful for other reasons. I feel horribly bored. I have no idea what to do. I have found things to enjoy since forming, but I don't want to do any of them.

 

[Ranger] I and Cat experience this, but it's because we have depression. Some days I don't want to do anything, even stuff I normally enjoy. It feels like I'm tired or I don't have energy.

 

I found that having a break or spending time socializing with people can help pull me out of it.

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

I have no attachments to our roommate.

 

I don't like Cat's parents either. You may not like everyone your headmates like, it's good to find some friends you can call your own.

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I'm destined to be less happy than Betty and Stone, and even though I "walked in," Stone still thought of my beforehand and I feel like this is partially his fault. I think I'm having some sort of identity crisis, and I feel like I want to die.

 

[Red Gray] We all feel awkward not knowing what to do with ourselves. Deep down there's fear we have to integrate to achieve happiness for the others. Whenever someone feels pointless or useless, they know the door to leave is right there. Given there's 17 of us left and one of us already integrated, there's a lot of issues with time and external pressure to give up.

 

Luckily, we don't have to give up just because it's "good for the system" and we shouldn't. It's not our fault we exist, and we sat around long enough kicking us out now is stupid. Because of that, we have the freedom to do absolutely nothing if we wanted to, and that's really important. You shouldn't beat yourself up for not knowing exactly what to do right now, you need time to think about who you are.

 

You're young, you're not going to immediately know what to do with your life right now. And there's only what, 3 of you? I think the time will come you find something cool and you will choose to front more. Having to share isn't going to be easy, but I'm pretty sure you have a pretty good shot at doing what you want to do. Ranger mentioned depression, that can cloud your judgement in the short term.

 

Don't worry about how happy your headmates are, all that does is makes everybody miserable. Worriers like Gray are going to do it anyway, but you don't have to join that boat too. Spend the time thinking about yourself and what you could do or try out.

 

Fronting isn't everybody's thing either. We have a headmate who seems perfectly happy living in wonderland. A lot of us just use fronting to talk to other people outside of the system. You don't have to give up just because you realize something doesn't work.

 

We also have in-system "jobs". It gives us something to do and it gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves. If you're interested in that, keep in mind whatever role or job you have doesn't define who you are.

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

Or that now that I've gotten time to myself, I've realized what I really am, and will always feel this way.

 

[Blue] Nah, that won't happen. Depression isn't forever, and it's totally not who you are at your core. It's just a not pretty part of you is all.

 

56 minutes ago, ruleofthumb said:

Is it normal for a new consciousness to have a crisis when left alone?

 

[Moltosha] It's not unheard of for tulpas to have an identity crisis. I was very attached to my form/beginnings, deviating from that felt threatening to me.

 

I needed time to think about it, and I'm glad I did. I am still proud of who I am, and me trying new things doesn't get rid of that.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Ranger

[ruleofthumb]

Fluttershy: Thank you all for the long, thorough response.

 

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If you have any discomfort with the body itself, it won't help. Try drawing your form over the body if you need to ground.

I don’t have discomfort with the body, but I do draw my form over the body. This is to keep myself present, and to keep control. Stone can slink back in front of Betty and I aren’t mindful.

 

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Switching is really different from possession

I don’t understand the difference, or know if I’m switching or possessing. Stone was trying to search for the difference, but “switching vs possession site:community.tulpa.info OR site:reddit.com/r/tulpas” yielded stuff like “how to switch/possess?” and he couldn’t find the difference.
 

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I found giving myself some time to focus on myself after switching in helped a lot.

I feel like there’s not much to myself that I like. Earlier, Stone was trying to look for more things for me to do, based on my personality and what he knows I already like, so maybe those things could help me expand my horizons. He’s been looking for virtual pet games because they might help me feel less lonely without me having to talk to people outside the system (which I usually don’t want to do). I can also try to work on myself in a more traditional way. Practicing gratefulness and being positive and all that stuff. Maybe. I don’t want to, but maybe.

 

 

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I struggle with not having my headmates around while switched-in.

 

It’s relieving to learn I’m not alone in this.

 

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Can you possess? When I was doing stuff with Gray/Ranger, I definitely didn't feel lonely. Adjusting to regular life stuff is weird, I was glad I had Ranger and Gray right there to help me (Gray was switched-in, but Ranger is used to controlling the body a lot more than I am so he's kinda glued to the front if that makes sense?)

I think Betty and Stone did this. Betty was sorta in control, but Stone had to help her a lot. I’m still not sure what the differences between fronting/possession or co-fronting/possession are.

 

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I and Cat experience this, but it's because we have depression. Some days I don't want to do anything, even stuff I normally enjoy. It feels like I'm tired or I don't have energy.

 

What’s weird is that Stone hasn’t felt like this in a while, but I felt like this right when I switched/possessed. He hasn’t been diagnosed with depression, but if the brain has depression, maybe he’s better at coping than I am.

 

Stone: I think I have anxiety rather than depression, but I’m not sure. I don’t feel “happy” in general, but I haven’t felt persistently depressed in a while. Like, in years. Sometimes I’ll have a week, but, it wasn’t like it was before. I don’t know though. I don’t want to make too many assumptions, so I’d take this all with a grain of salt.

 

 

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I found that having a break or spending time socializing with people can help pull me out of it.

 

Fluttershy: It’s probably the best for me to not front if I feel like this and don’t feel like socializing. That was the case today. When Stone switched back in, he still felt my sad presence for a little bit, but then I faded into the background and I didn’t have to feel anymore. That’s the good thing about sharing a brain with someone. You can tap out.

 

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You shouldn't beat yourself up for not knowing exactly what to do right now, you need time to think about who you are.

True. I need to have a long hard think about that.

 

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We have a headmate who seems perfectly happy living in wonderland.

 

That may be the life for me. Something I hope to figure out later.

 

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We also have in-system "jobs". It gives us something to do and it gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves. If you're interested in that, keep in mind whatever role or job you have doesn't define who you are.

 

I think I have two “jobs.” Maybe more. What types of jobs do you guys have?

 

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It's not unheard of for tulpas to have an identity crisis. I was very attached to my form/beginnings, deviating from that felt threatening to me.

 

I needed time to think about it, and I'm glad I did. I am still proud of who I am, and me trying new things doesn't get rid of that.

 

I feel like I might feel better if I changed, but I’m attached to who I am now. It’s a conundrum. I’ll keep in mind what you said.

 

Again, thank you all for the response.

[System Corporation]

4 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

I don’t understand the difference, or know if I’m switching or possessing. Stone was trying to search for the difference, but “switching vs possession site:community.tulpa.info OR site:reddit.com/r/tulpas” yielded stuff like “how to switch/possess?” and he couldn’t find the difference.

 

[Ranger] I want to make a new thread about this later. I'll quote a bunch of threads and I'll try to come up with various ways to ask the question. The answer is actually not very straightforward and I don't want to detail this question thread.

 

4 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

He’s been looking for virtual pet games because they might help me feel less lonely without me having to talk to people outside the system (which I usually don’t want to do).

 

[Spirit] When I wasn't feeling well, I appreciated using random lists to help me think about myself and what I like. Going through different objects helped me brainstorm different ideas for what I could do. I came up with going on a rafting trip in wonderland.

 

4 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

Stone: I think I have anxiety rather than depression, but I’m not sure. I don’t feel “happy” in general, but I haven’t felt persistently depressed in a while. Like, in years. Sometimes I’ll have a week, but, it wasn’t like it was before. I don’t know though. I don’t want to make too many assumptions, so I’d take this all with a grain of salt.

 

[Cat] I think you're better off touching base with a medical professional to know for sure.

 

When I was diagnosed, I had anxiety disorder and mixed depressed mood. When working with my therapist, she suspected I had some form of depression thanks to my anxiety.

 

It's also possible to have depression and not know it. Ranger expressed depression a little bit differently than I do, and it's also possible Fluttershy may have noticed things you built up a tolerance too.

 

4 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

You can tap out.

 

I need me time too. Leave me alone while I farm in Minecraft for 5 hours.

 

Ranger and some of the others are more social and crave interaction. On the other hand, some just want to talk to one of us while thinking about themselves.

 

4 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

I think I have two “jobs.” Maybe more. What types of jobs do you guys have?

 

[Red Gray] We have various jobs for various reasons. Our "Subconscious Rep." will show us unconscious stuff, like if you had any feelings you bottled up. I and Blue are merge guards, but that's only a thing because we decided to keep a merge away from everyone else to not cause chaos. Gerodious and Spirit are like additional supporters, they help us when we're not feeling well. Bune, Fernardo, Dark Gray, and Hope are all focused on skill building. Dark Gray also runs system meetings, Hope helps to log stuff, and Bune helps Gray with mental math 

 

In-system jobs are not set in stone. They also change over time.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Ranger

[ruleofthumb]

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I want to make a new thread about this later. I'll quote a bunch of threads and I'll try to come up with various ways to ask the question. The answer is actually not very straightforward and I don't want to detail this question thread.

 

Stone: Nice. This would be useful to know.

 

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We have various jobs for various reasons. Our "Subconscious Rep." will show us unconscious stuff, like if you had any feelings you bottled up. I and Blue are merge guards, but that's only a thing because we decided to keep a merge away from everyone else to not cause chaos. Gerodious and Spirit are like additional supporters, they help us when we're not feeling well. Bune, Fernardo, Dark Gray, and Hope are all focused on skill building. Dark Gray also runs system meetings, Hope helps to log stuff, and Bune helps Gray with mental math

 

That's interesting. We might give ourselves more jobs.

 

Thank you for all the advice and support.

 

Fluttershy: Thank you.